A Poet's Dream

by Sionarama

Published February 6, 2010

In MY POEMS

Laying on summer's edge
the grass
as sweet as honey
you sleep in.
you awake
gentle words run down your face like
caressing rain.
weaving them together
you make
a tempest of words
across the field
a girl professes
"your words
are like
jewels." :elephant:
Please comment!

Comments & reviews · 8
Creativeatheart wrote a review Review · Dec 16, 2012

I like this poem as I do all of your works but this one seems a little rushed in my opinion.

I would rewrite-

Gentle words run down your face like caressing rain.

And weaving them together you make a tempest of words


Another thing is that I would put a space between sleep in and awake, just to make it neater and easier to read.

Last of all- this poem is really good but with a little tweaks here and there you can make it even better. Nice job with the title btw Sionarama :3


Sincerely, Creativeatheart

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simplycomplex
Review
simplycomplex wrote a review Review · Aug 23, 2010

Wow, great poem, and I really like the title!

Laying on summer's edge,
the grass
as sweet as (the) honey
you sleep in. Sleeping in honey... I get the feeling this means something that I'm missing.
you wake, (or awaken)
gentle words run down your face like
caressing rain.
weaving them together,
you make
a tempest of words.
across the field,
a girl professes,
"your words
are like
jewels."

I love the ending and the simile "gentle words run down your face like / caressing rain".
Great work!

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Eudoxia Comment
Eudoxia commented Comment · Aug 23, 2010

Blown away (but of course that's nothing new) by your imagery! I especially love this line:

"Across the field...
A girl professes
"Your words are like jewels."

Very profound. I love it! Poetry is definitely your forte.

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kitrosemon13
Review
kitrosemon13 wrote a review Review · Aug 22, 2010

I liked this but the flow seems raged. A few commas would be good in it. Breaking it up into stanzas would also suffice.


'Laying on summer's edge.....

The grass as sweet as honey
you sleep in. (This confused me a bit, who sleeps in honey? :D )
You wake (Awake? Wake seems more fitting to this.)
Gentle words run down your face like the caressing rain. (Like- The.)


Weaving them together,
you make a tempest of words.
Across the field...
A girl professes

"Your words are like jewels." '

I can see what you are saying a bit but you just have to word it right so it can make more sense and not look sloppy. Overall nice work, keep writing!

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leeanna13097
Review
leeanna13097 wrote a review Review · Feb 6, 2010

Hey, Siona!

I really like this! It's very well written. I agree with fiction903, though. I think you need a few more commas in some places. Once again, great job! :D

~leeanna13097

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Sarah Pass
Review
Sarah Pass wrote a review Review · Feb 6, 2010

This beautiful! And so true! I connect with this poem because I'm a poet myself. You are so gifted and talented and what really impresses me is that you are only twelve. You just got yourself a fan! Keep writing! Congrats on writing such a great poem!

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fiction903
Comment
fiction903 commented Comment · Feb 6, 2010

You have a interesting poem.I like the simile at the end. I also think you are missing a couple of commas.I think you did a nice job describing the dream. If you wanted to make it longer you could elaborate on what the dream girl looks like.



Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana