The Mountain And The Valley

First of all, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed a lot of the imagery. However, I found a few big holes in this otherwise wonderful piece.

One line that bothers me a lot is "what was once light becomes the reverse". I get what you're trying to say, and it's a pretty cool concept, but the way you phrased it just seemed especially awkward to me. Just my opinion, but I think that instead of describing the light in general terms as you are now, it would be better to describe a single beam of light becoming its reverse. Just a suggestion.

I think that describing the mountain as "pockmarked" is fine, but saying that it's pockmarked "from the rough hands of Time" is a little confusing. Why is Time making pockmarks on the poor mountain's face with its hands?

I found the biggest problem in the poem to be the organization of the stanzas. I think your two line stanza concept would work very well if the poem were only describing one thing. However, your current format makes it a little hard to discern the divisions between descriptions of the mountain and the valley. I had to read it quite a few times to figure out which lines corresponded to which. Perhaps that was your intent, but I'm of the school of thought that poems should be easily readable and understood.

One last thing; I really liked how you worked in the imagery of giants. I disagree with some of the commenters that you should elaborate on them. I think your brief references to them give the whole poem a slightly mystical feel, and giving them more substance would destroy that.

All in all, good job.

Title: "The Mountain and the Valley"

The title was interested me, so I thought I'd take a look at it. From the title, I expected something calm,lyrical, mystical, and peaceful.

"It stands still, the lonely giant
His face pockmarked from the rough hands of Time"

The first stanza is definitely unique, but I feel the rhythm is off.

"There is a dark gaping mouth down in the abyss
What was once light becomes the reverse"

Excellent phrasing! You definitely know how to be intriguing and descriptive!

"A silent tear slides down his face
He is alone, like an animal without its mate"

This is another awkward stanza.

"Whatever falls into the hungry beast’s depths
Will never ever be found again"

This also was awkward.

"The robin’s bright chirp wasted upon the mammoth’s ears
The clouds are soft and plush up high in the azure sky"

Loved this stanza. I loved the vocabulary you used. You really created an image in my mind!!!

"Lost problems and secrets are found in the sinking deep
A wasted doll, a misplaced button"

A wasted doll? Misplaced button? Interesting symbolism.

"Both keep mysteries in their hearts"

I think you could spice up this line.

"Leftover from what had once been"

Spice up this line, too.

"A monster and a giant alone"

"One down below and one atop the world"

"As they slumber, whispers in men’s minds"

"Curl around the throbbing brain"

"And call them with a siren song"

"To awaken these ancients once again."

I really, really loved the last two lines. They were my favorite part of this poem. Excellently done.

Overall: This is a very interesting poem. Work on your rhythm and spice up a few lines!

Good luck!!!

Hey Sion!

You've got a really interesting poem here. I like how you compare two great things in nature, the mountain and the valley-- both inhibiting and sometimes ominous, but start opposites. I liked your simple imagery, but then again, I'm not an experienced poet so that might not be sound advice to follow. But then again, I was told poetry is a matter of opinion and feelings, so I'm going to say what I think anyway.

It felt to me like your simple "Like an animal without its mate" was powerful in its way. I know that not all animals are monogamous. Most aren't. But there was a simple, deep sadness-- mere loneliness, really, which is what I think you were trying to get across.

The poem made me sad, but in a good way, if that makes any sense. I also like how you broke stanzas at the end of your poem and ended it with the free line thing. Very nice. That is where my poetry knowledge ends, and I shall leave you now.

Keep writing!

~Shady

Alright, let's start this off, shall we? *Cracks knuckles* You've attracted my attention with the title, which is simple, and in the most beautiful way. I am a fantasy lover, and I approve of this poem, so much applause to you. But the thing is: this poem is gorgeous. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing, the descriptions are vivid, everything is lovely. Except for a few minor problems, which I will kindly point out, you're welcome.

Firstly, I've combed through this, and managed to find myself a few grammar mistakes. These are tiny, absolutely unimportant, and therefore I will leave that on the side, and let you to find those. But, there are a few wording errors here.

The first being the second line of the beginning stanza. "His face pockmarked from the rough hands of Time"

Okay, this is a bit strange, I'm not going to lie. "Pockmarked" is an odd word, and if you were shooting for creativity... you missed. But, it is your poem, you're words, though it's not quite the words I would've chosen. I don't even know what it means, but I do suggest you switch it out.

Another thing being that your lines are disproportional. The stanzas are uneven, and breaking them up at the end (as you have) is a bit odd, not going to lie. It's... un-poemy.

But, I must congratulate you on this poem, as it true is amazing. Great words, great idea, definitely, and I'm diggin' the message you get across here. It's a great story (especially because it's fantasy), and I properly enjoyed it, which is rare for me and a poem. Good job, and I'm excited to see more work from you in the future.

Good luck.
Keep writing.
~Bandit

Hello,

-You are tackling a tall order here: a poem a about nature. You take the tack of giving the mountain and such human qualities, which in and of itself, isn't such a bad thing. It's always fun to read and write these sorts of things.

-You certainly have some of the grandiose language that was found in the poetry of that time. Reminds of poetry about the American frontier. The language itself isn't too overbearing, though maybe a bit antiquated. You have a talent with words, that's for sure, but I would be careful. There is certainly a cadence about the poem and that's its most redeeming quality. The verse is quite nice.

But for me, verse and content should both be important. To me, this is an exercise in writing a poem which has good cadence, but the content seems to be lacking. The words sound pretty, but they don't quite convey something that makes you think. Not all poetry is about depth, certainly, but I think we are beyond that. As an exercise to mimic a poetic style, it succeeds, but even back then, poets were trying to say something more than simple description.

I know, everyone's advice is to describe, to paint beautiful pictures. You've done that well. Now I think you have to balance that with the "meaning" of the poem, which is somewhat lacking. You've labeled your poem as fantasy, so waking these giants is more of a literal thing I'm guessing. That's really cool, but what does waking these giants mean? Why is it important and why should we be reading about it? If you can answer those questions, you'll be on your way toward giving us a wonderful balance of verse (style) and meaning (content).

Hmm. Wow! This is very interesting. It takes a couple of reads to start to make sense of it, but once I do I want to play along with you. The problem is, I wonder if you wanted this poem to read like a game, or whether you wanted to communicate something more. The games seems to be: what happens on a mountain and in a sinkhole (or something similar), and how can I make it a riddle by pretending they are giants? Is there something more than that? There seems to be a little more at the end, an inkling of how these great beasts call men to them with that inexplicable ancient nature loving sort of thing, but it’s not as effective as it could be.

I don’t know if you write prose, but when we write prose and we want to make a point later in a piece, we have to leave seeds early on for the reader to be able to believe our later admission/surprise/crazy action. We don’t believe it when a character goes suddenly crazy, because it doesn’t fit with our perception of the rules of the world. I believe this poem would benefit greatly from a little more attention to that concept. I do like that some of it comes through simply by making the comparison to men, as if we are drawn to our own reflection, but men aren’t mentioned until the end, and only alluded to with the doll and the button. We need some men in the beginning, not just the giant, you know?

Lastly, I think you could do with spicing your vocabulary up a little bit. “Dark” is so common. “Gaping” is so empty. Can you find a word that really encompasses all that is that abyss? Some descriptions are strong: the robin and the mammoth’s ears, but others are too weak: “an animal without its mate” (when not all animals subscribe to a one x one relationship kind of thing), “will never ever be found again” (you can’t just punch up the intensity by saying “never ever”. Find one word that means that!).

Like I said, it’s a good poem already. I like the game. I like it. Do you want it to be more? Give it a little more thought.

PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, as I don’t receive notifications about replies to reviews. Good luck, and keep writing!