“Yes, dear. Please wear your best and ask Governess Cecily to arrange your hair in a womanly manner. Margaret’s hair may be done in the usual way. You may leave.”
I steered Margaret out of the room and up to our large room on the Eastern side of Kenilworth. When we arrived at our chamber, I pulled Margaret onto my lap and snuggled into her golden ringlets. A tear slid down my pale cheek into her curls, but I knew that she did not mind. Henry had been my protector. When I was in need of comfort or love, Henry was the first to kiss me on the cheek and tell me that everything was okay. Although he was only three years my elder, he was a whole world more mature than I could ever hope to be at his age. What would I be now without him? When Papa died, he had shown me the stars one night. I was six, while he was ten. He had shown me that Papa lived on in the stars. That life carried on even after someone had passed. As I looked into Margaret’s small face, I realized that I needed to be there for her as Henry was there for me. She needed someone to show her that death was not the end. I would always be there for her, when she needed me. I hoped that Margaret considered me her best friend, as I had considered Henry at her young age.
“Margaret, sweetheart, are you awake?” I asked quietly, as not to wake her if she had fallen asleep.
“Yes,” She whispered, eyes still shut.
“I hope you know that this is not the end for us,” I told her, trying not to break down myself, “Henry will always watch over us. I promise. He lives on in our hearts and minds. You will never go a second without him. Or me for that matter. I will always be here for you as well, my dear sister.”
That same night, I took Margaret out onto our shared balcony and showed her what each of the stars represented. We fell asleep in the same bed that night, Margaret curled into me as if I would not be there when she woke up.
☼
Governess Cecily woke Margaret and I before the sun was up, urging us to get up before our royal family arrived. She hurried Margaret’s dressing in order to spend more time on my own. Margaret wore a simple black dress, with her hair in a simple braid. Although Mother’s mind was already on our marriages’, she knew that dressing Margaret too old would make the nobles think ill of her.
“Run along to your mother, my lady,” Cecily smiled at young Margaret.
“Joan, come we must ready you,’ Cecily said, holding her hand out to me, “Now, would you prefer your best dress or something more modest.”
“Mother wants me to be dressed in my best,” I sighed, not agreeing with my Mother. The last thing I wanted to think about today was looking my best. All I wanted was to honor my brother in the way that he deserved.
“Yes, my lady,” She nodded, bringing over my finest black dress, reminding me of our state of mourning. She dressed me quickly, pulling back to inspect my dress for any punctures or tears, “Beautiful, my dear.”
“Thank you, Cecily,” I nodded towards her. She had only become our governess a short time ago, but it seemed as though she had quite a kind heart.
“Come, we must do your hair,” She sat me down at the vanity, and pulled my thick hair into a large bun, leaving some of my curls down.
Mother burst into my room suddenly, Margaret trailing behind her.
“Oh, Joan, you are quite a sight,” Mother smiled sadly, trying to hide her puffy eyes and cheeks. I knew that she had been crying in the night, but she would take my understanding of this as me being cheeky. I did not want to hurt her on the day of her firstborn son’s memorial.
“Thank you, Mother,” I stood from the chair and walked over to her, embracing her the minute I was at her side.
Clearly surprised, she said, “Oh Joan, do not muss your clothes or hair.”
“Do not worry, mother,” I sighed, pulling Margaret into our embrace.
“Thank you, girls. But we must make haste downstairs, for our guests should be arriving quite soon.”
We hurried to our main room, giving me enough time to remember that I had left my ruby necklace on my night stand. Without my family noticing, I slipped away and back upstairs. I clasped my ruby on, and sighed. Now that my beloved brother was gone, this was all I had left of him. I ran down the stairs into the main lobby and ran straight into a servant. Only, it wasn’t a servant I quickly realized.
“King Henry, my lord,” I squeaked, surprised to find my royal cousin standing alone in our main room.
“Cousin Joan, what a surprise,” He smiled leisurely, observing me up and down, “Where might I find your family?”
“Through here, my lord,” I curtsied, motioning him through our drawing room door.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello again!! And once again, I apologize for the delay in this review!!
In this segment, I like your narration that shows how the MC is thinking and feeling. (I live for knowing how a MC thinks and feels and pretty much all times!) So exposition like this:
really works for me because it helps me connect with and get to know your character. We get to see what she values and loves and how she connects with others around her and that's good stuff, especially in a first chapter when your reader is trying to figure out who this MC is and whether this is someone they want to spend the next several hours with
What's missing for me in this segment is description. You have some talking-head syndrome with your dialogue - a very easy trap to fall into! Talking-head syndrome is what it sounds like, two people talking but it sounds like it's just two random heads talking because we don't have a lot of description.
I want more description of where we are and what the setting looks like (I'm notoriously bad at this too!). We're in a cool place! 15th century Europe with a noble family (right?). Show me their world! And then as people are talking, instead of just including dialogue tags to show who is talking, show us what they're doing as they're talking.
Think about it. When you talk to your friends, do you both just stand there, hands at your sides, and talk in a flat, monotone voice? Of course not! So in your writing show us hand gestures, facial expressions, changes in cadence, speed, volume, etc as they talk to breathe life into the dialogue and make it more than two people talking at each other. Show the thoughts and feelings of the MC throughout the conversation as well. It can be tricky to do, but once you get it, it will really take your dialogue to the next level!
I'll leave things there for now and move on over to the final segment, but please let me know if you have any questions or if there is something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention!
Hello, Sheadun! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.
Your grammar is as good as it was in the last chapter, so onto the other parts of the novel!
As like the last chapter, you excel when it comes to descriptions but don't go into much detail about the setting of the novel. I would suggest adding more details about that in the future drafts. The details can be whatever you think will help the reader imagine that they were standing in the same room as the other characters. Based on how you've described other things in the chapter, I'm sure you'll be able to easily describe the setting!
This chapter shows more about Joan's personality. Though she laments not being mature as her now deceased brother, she does seem to be very sensitive to the feelings of others. Even though it seems to not be something she usually does, she hugs her mother when she sees that she's been crying.
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Hey there, Eli here for a review on this beautiful review day from Team Marlins!
This second chapter really got me. I was waiting to get my hands on it and actually read and review it from the moment I got the chance to read the first chapter of this new story. I am in love with your writing and I was just waiting for a wonferful new meeting. A simple bump into someone down the stairs and it makes the story so catching for me. Many things were revealed to me during this chapter. Many things stay a mystery and questions in my head from when I finished part one of this work. The connected in between the siblings is still that strong and not like in the last chapter, I would some human feelings in the mother of the siblings, the Queen. I expected her to countinue being her kind of emotionless self who cares only to marry her daughters and maybe win a profit from it. In this chapter, though, we saw a bit of her softer side with the part in which you reveal us a sight of a crying the last night mother who could not handle the loss of her firstborn son. Which is something natural a mother would do if her kid died, first or last, no matter the number. It is heartbreaking to see your child leave the world before you even. And it is unnatural, to fail to see their kids, to enjoy the presence of grandchildren. It is heartbreaking overall in each aspect. This is what I liked in this second chapter more than in the first one, the feelings you show in her persona. I do not see her as a doll that much now. But more as like..Mother.
I think you understood that I am very pleased with the way this story is countinuing for now! I would love to be informed when the third chapter of this lovely story comes up maybe? You can always do that! If no, I might skip it and find it so much later.
Down below are small remarks and edits. I hope we find out more about Henry, the King, a bit more later! It breaks my heart they have the same name though!
Also, in the first part of this chapter, we have memories of Joan about her and Henry together when their dad passed away. You mention they have three years difference but then you say Joan is six and he is ten. Which is four years. But maybe it is before her seventh birthday? If yes, I can consider it right though at first I though it is a math mistake.
“Joan, come, we must ready you,’ ('ready you' seems so stiff and grammarly wrong, it is right but it is so off)
“Now, would you prefer your best dress or something more modest?”
Only, it wasn’t a servant, I quickly realized.
Also one thing that I want to mention, no tense mistakes. Lovely!
Keep on writing!
Hi Eli!
Thank you so much for the compliments and critiques. It is so nice to have someone loving this story as much as I do! This is actually a true story, written about my ancestors! The minute I heard of it, the story was already forming in my head!
Thank you so much again,
Sheadun
Welcome!!
Heya! MJ here for a short review
This should end in a question mark, since it is a question.Since you can't sigh a sentence, you should either replace sigh with a word that describes how she says it, like whispered, or replace the comma after mother with a period.
One thing I would also like to see discussed is the MC's opinion of how her mother insists on her fancy dressing. It's touched upon, but I think that the MC would have some stronger opinions on it, maybe commenting, "I was disgusted that the only thing Mother could think of in this time of mourning was my appeal to greedy princes and suitors," or something appropriate like that.
I also think that you should expand on the necklace a little more. It's a beautiful little memory of Henry, how generous he was with his possessions and how much he cared for his little sisters. While you should be careful not to info-dump, it could become a symbol of the relationship between Henry and the MC.
Final note- again, your 'chapter' was really short. You could've combined the three sections into one chapter, since the ending to this 2nd installment doesn't seem really like a final ending. It doesn't have that sense of wrapping up everything discussed here, and while admittedly a chapter ending can't do that as well, it can do it a little better since they have more time to resolve each bit of plot that was introduced, while also sometimes ending on a cliff-hanger.
Overall, I really liked this chapter and the relationships it described and expanded on. We saw how tenderly the MC cared for Margaret while also seeing her strained relatinoships with her parents, and especially, how everyone loved Henry dearly and how much of a good big brother he was- consoling the MC and giving Joan and Margaret beautiful gifts. There are a couple of sections that I think you could write more on so that they become a bigger part of the plot and set-up, but other than that, this was amazing. Good job, and keep writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
Hi Mj,
Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it and will take all of your critiques into consideration!
Thanks again,
Sheadun
Great. I liked how profound the loving relationship between Joan and her brother was.
Thanks snowmonkey!
I'm glad to see someone enjoying it:)