z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Shadow Crown (CHAPTER 5)

by Sheadun


  I opened my groggy eyes and let out a long breath. Today I would have to tutor someone who has repeatedly been rude to me. I pushed off my blankets and put my feet on the chilly floor. I then swiped a comb off of my bureau and dragged it through my hair full of snarls. Flinching in the pain of it, my eyes searched the top of my dresser for the dress I had laid out the night before. Catching it with my eye, I snatched it and sauntered into the hall. The minute my feet stepped onto the rug lining the hall, I knew something was off.

“Mom?” I called downstairs, hearing someone walking around. I smoothed my hair behind my ear and crept down the stairs, thinking of my sleeping family. I walked slowly into the living room and nearly had a heart attack. A shadow of a man stood in my kitchen. The light shown around him and I prayed that it was only my father. I stumbled backwards and stepped on Peony’s talking baby doll.

“I’mmmm hungry!” The doll screeched in her mechanical ways, and my head whipped down to look at it. I rolled my eyes and picked it up. When I peered back into the kitchen, the shadow was gone and the light along with it. A shiver ran up along my spine and I raced back upstairs. I burst into Rett’s room and said, “Everett! I saw another one!”

His blue eyes opened very slowly, and narrowed into little slits, “Too early.”

I rolled my eyes and threw Pia’s baby at him, “I’m serious, Rett! Remember our little talk yesterday?”

He sat up suddenly in his bed, sending his blankets flying off. He ran his fingers through his hair, “Show me!”

“But, its gone now!” I blushed, “I just thought you would want to know.”

He marched angrily into the hall and I grabbed his arm, “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you! I was just freaked out and you are my brother!”

“You think I’m mad at you? Why would you think that?” He grumbled, “My little sister is being messed with every second of every hour and you think I’m mad at you!”

“Well I did wake you up…”

“Waking me up is what you should do. You need me to protect you, Ella,” He gushed, “I know, everything is happening is bizarre and I don’t want you to do it alone. Show me where you saw it, sis.”

I smiled and took his hand, leading him down to our kitchen. Automatically, a shiver ran down my spine as I crossed the living room.

“It was right there,” I pointed.

He straightened his back and walked straight to where I pointed.

“Whatever you are, whoever you are, stay the hell away from my sister,” He growled. I actually laughed and he turned towards me, “What?”

“Thanks for trying, Rett,” I smiled, at least he made me feel better as he always does. I realized that he too was laughing.

“What in the world do you think you two are doing?” My mom asked, pulling her robe on as she came down the stairs, “You sound like a pack of elephants.”

“Nothing,” Rett swung his arm around my shoulders as we chuckled.

“Oh, well. Kids will be kids,” she mumbled and turned on our kitchen light. I snuck out from under my twin’s arm and ran back up the stairs, wanting to get dressed.

My siblings and I were out the door and headed to school within the next two hours.

“Are you going to see the shadow man today?” Pia asked as I swung her onto my hip.

“Well, that depends on who he actually is. Maybe I will, Pia,” I shrugged and kissed her little cheek, “Are you excited for school?”

“Yes. The shadow man doesn’t follow me there,” She whispered and I frowned. All she could talk about was this shadow. I really needed to clear this whole thing up before Pia’s teacher thought that something was wrong with her.

We dropped Pia off at her kindergarten, and then Ally at her middle school. Rett talked to me again about calling him if I needed anything, and I accepted gratefully. We parted ways with a quick hug and I went to face the upcoming day. I went right to my English class, not even bothering to say good morning to Jen. I was so stressed; I could hardly think straight. I sat at my desk, staring at my hands, waiting for Gann to come in. Honestly, I wished that he wouldn’t say anything to me right now.

“Hello, tutor,” A voice said from the doorway.

“Hi,” I cringed.

“I’m sure you are just as excited as me from this turn of events,” He sighed, swinging his book bag onto the ground beside his desk.

“Even more so,” I replied truthfully. Maybe I would finally get some answers today. No, let me revise that sentence. I must get some answers today.

We didn’t say anything word to each other for the whole day. I stuck with Jen and Rett, and Gann didn’t speak to anyone. I met with my brother outside of the library, ten minutes after the buses left for the day.

“Remember, I’ll be right out here if you need anything,” He promised, holding my shoulders, “Don’t let that kid be such a creepy jerk anymore. Let me know if I need to knock some sense into him.”

“Well, we have to get some answers before I let you kill him,” I said, removing myself from his hands and opening the library door, “I’ll be okay.”

He nodded and sat down on one of the hall benches. I breathed in and out, very slowly. Whatever was going to happen had been waiting for a very long time, and I needed to find out what was plaguing this Scottish boy.

“Well, good afternoon,” I said smoothly.

“Same to you,” Gann nodded and I sat down at the table across from him, “We need to work on fact versus opinion, as well as the topic for the essay.”

“Oh, don’t you worry. We will get to that,” I smiled sweetly, “But first, I need some answers out of you.”

He paled considerably and stood quickly, readying himself to make a break for it.

“Don’t even think about it, Gann. If that is even your real name. My brother is standing out there, ready to drag your sorry butt right back in here,” I glared, grabbing his right shoulder and shoving it back down.

“I can’t… I can’t tell you anything, Ellanyra! I promise, I would if I could,” He calmed me, “This is all for your own good.”

“Why? Why am I even in danger?”

“You, well, you can’t know that.”

“No,” I stated simply, “I want you to start with why you choose to say my full name, rather than what you hear everyone else call me. Or, I suppose we could start with why these stupid freaking shadows are following me everywhere?”

“No! Okay fine, I will start with the name thing,” He gasped, “The reason I say your full name… is because I think it is a beautiful name. And well, what you probably want to hear is that this is how I learned to call you. Where I am from, no one calls you ‘Ella’.”

“Why do people say my name where you are from at all?”

“Because… You share your name with your Grandmother,” He looked down at his hands.

“And I suppose my British grandmother is very well known in Scotland?” I rolled my eyes.

“No, not in Scotland,” His accent completely transformed into an odd sort of British accent.

“You are British? What the hell, Gann!” I gasped.

He sighed, so defeated looking, “Your time has come too early, I suppose. Although it is hard for me to admit, I must tell you the truth.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Fine,” Gann huffed, “It started a very long time ago. Before you were born, before even your great grandparents were born. The world, well it’s not just this land. In every plant, there lies an untouched land. A land that is discoverable by anyone at all. When the land is discovered, that person may choose to do whatever they want with it. Make it into another country, or perhaps just leave it as if it had never happened. Earth’s land was discovered in the 1700s, 1790 to be exact, by a young women named Tasha. Tasha, well, she was your four times great grandmother.”

My eyes widened with every word. What in the world was this boy talking about?

“Tasha was not the best person, to be honest. Conceited, selfish even. She took the land, and every single person she knew was brought with her. Every child, every parent, everyone. The land was well populated, but much too large for the number of humans brought through. Tasha took herself as queen, and appointed a small court. The court decided the rules, much like other countries. Tasha married for looks, and bore a girl, who became queen next. Because of how the rest of the world acted, Tasha decided that women would run the country. If the queen did not have a girl before having a boy, the child would be taken. No one knew what happened to the poor things,”

“As time went on, the residents of the secret land were miserable. The land never moved on from the royal times. Everything was very similar to the Medieval times. Nothing happened really. No one opposed the court, although their lives were terrible. Now, is where we come to your Grandmother. Her name was… it was Queen Ellanyra Juliet Lillianna BelleCourt the First.”

“You expect me to believe that my grandmother was some kind of magical faerie queen?” I asked, disbelievingly.

“No! Not a faerie. They, as far as we know, do not exist. As for queen, well, yes. But, that is not all. Ellanyra was happily married to a man that sadly passed away shortly before their child was born. As you have probably guessed, this man was your grandfather. Times were better then. She ruled with justice, but compassion. She was destroyed when your grandfather passed. The night of his death, she finally fell asleep. In her dream, her husband stood before her, his eyes grave. ‘Ellanyra, my love, you must save our son.’ he spoke to her. She knew then, what happened to the children that were born male. And she knew that she had to act fast.”

“Her plan came together quickly. The queen took the doctor, and swore him to eternal secrecy. The day of her son’s birth, she would have the doctor retrieve a newborn orphan from the orphanage and switch out the two children. She replaced her son with a girl born only a day before her own child. Not only did she trick the court from thinking that she had had a daughter, but she also faked her death. She fled the land, finding a secret loophole. That man…”

“Was my father,” I whispered, trying to take it all in, “But, Gann, this doesn’t even make sense. Why wouldn’t my father tell me? And what with the shadows? What do I need to be protected from?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I need a second to catch my breath,” He laughed nervously, and I glared. He was either a totally liar, crazy, or some weird guy from another land.

“Back to my story. Your dad, well, he doesn’t know. She never told him. He only thought she was from England. As for the shadows, we are a society.”

“We?”

“I am a shadow. Sworn to protect the crown. And you, my dear, are the rightful queen,” He almost sounded smug.

“I am not!” I protested, “And if you are so sworn to the crown, then why don’t you protect the current queen?”

“But you are! And as for that, I’m afraid our current queen is not so ideal. The times changed when your Grandmother ruled. I’m afraid our young queen only brought us back. She treats everyone unfairly and life is not good.”

“If it was a secret, my dad’s birth, then how do you know?”

“I’m afraid that the doctor did not do such a great job of keeping a secret. He told the head of the shadows.”

“Oh, I see. You never answered my question about the protecting me.”

“As for your protection, that is another story. A shadow betrayal. A shadow that knew the secret. He is sadly, madly in love with the queen and will do anything for her. He gathered a small group of others and they are looking for you.”

“Oh, god,” I groaned, “Are you saying that not all of the shadows I see are you?”

“I’m afraid not, Ellanyra,” He said gently, “I know this is a lot to handle, my dear. Why don’t we wrap this up?”

“Just leave? You want me to just leave after hearing this?”

“It is all we can do, I am afraid.”

“Take me there!” I gasped suddenly, “Take me to my land.”

“No!” he shouted, “Not yet, anyway. You are not ready.”

I put my head in my hands. I needed to tell Rett, immediately if not sooner. Why? Why would anything like this happen to me? Plain old Ella. Not so plain, I guess.

I raised my head to look at him, “Gann. You will take me there. No buts. I will not be stopped from seeing this, if it does exist.”

“Oh, Ellanyra,” He sighed, “If you leave with me, it is likely that you will never be brought back here.”

Chapter 5. Wow! I'm more than excited about this chapter! Please leave reviews :)


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453 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2019 6:38 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hey Shea!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Let's dig right in!

Alright. So that was quite intense. And Gann has a British accent!? Now this is confusing me. I'm honestly so confused. So, wait, so, Ella is a queen? Or she is a queen-to-be? Does this secret land have a queen? And why queens? Why not kings? Why didn't Gann already tell Ella about all of this in the beginning?

Oh my goodness me, so many questions! But that's not a problem. Because I can read the next chapters. Easy as pie. I don't even have to wait, which is a relief or else, I think I would passed out if I had to wait, ya know. Lol. Anyways, this book is going so well, that I'm literally dying. I really badly want you to become my writing tutor now! So now, Ella will be Gann's tutor and you will be mine. Lol, just kidding. You don't have to be. You'll need tons of patience to be one for me. But anyways, we're getting off track here. I had one thing that I'd like to point out.

“Oh, I see. You never answered my question about the protecting me.”


This dialogue doesn't quite make sense. Maybe you could take the the out? I think that would sound better. Read it like this:

“Oh, I see. You never answered my question about protecting me.”


Yeah, I think that sounds better.

Well, that's it from me! It was a delight reading this chapter and in return, giving it a review. Hope this helped.

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Sheadun says...


Hey!

Thanks for reviewing all of these! I%u2019m so sorry, but I don%u2019t have any more chapters that I published on here! This is my project from 3 years ago, so I%u2019m not quite sure where they would even be, since I have a new computer! You%u2019ve been so helpful and kind and I%u2019m glad you loved it! If I find the chapters, I%u2019ll be sure to put them here so you can read!

Thanks,
Shea



Lib says...


Your welcome!

So... You mean... I have to w-wait?

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Oh well. I guess I'll be waiting. :)



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Mon Sep 26, 2016 5:41 am
FluffyDuckling says...



I'm so sorry for only getting to this now! Wow, I was completely not expecting this! :D This chapter has to be the best one yet - I really look forward to reading more!




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Fri Sep 23, 2016 3:20 am
GeorgiaMasonIII wrote a review...



Your prose continues to improve with each chapter! Although the same issues with commas and capitalization that I mentioned last time are still present.

I agree with GreatKing that Gann's infodump was difficult to read. While writers hold all of our worldbuilding in our heads and writing it down is a matter of writing what we've been developing for months, even years, it's hard for readers to absorb a lot at once, especially when it comes to fantasy. I would suggest that you give the fantasy backstory to the readers in pieces instead of all at once. Perhaps Ella could not believe Gann at first and run off when he has only gotten through the first paragraph of exposition.

I also think the worldbuilding could use a little more work. There are some inconsistencies. You say that every plant has a world inside it (or, if you mean that every plant contains an entrance to the world, that wasn't clear), then say that there is only one alternate world accessible from Earth. You also have Gann claiming that Tasha took control of the magical world with a coup with the help of the people she brought with her, but you also have Gann saying that any human who finds the world can do with it as they like. Which is it?

Also, the world sounds like it could be found fairly easily if there is an entrance in every plant. Most magical worlds have particular methods of entry, such as Bruce Coville's "Into the Land of the Unicorns", which contains a magical realm accessible by jumping from the tallest tower of a church dedicated to a certain saint as a bell tolls for the twelfth (I think; I could be misremembering) time. If you want to have the entrance to the magical world be plant-related, perhaps you could have the entrance opened only if a dedicated gardener grows a perfect red rose and waters it with water containing marjoram and ginseng at midnight during a full moon, or something. Otherwise you'd have humans stumbling into the world willy-nilly.

It also strains credulity a little that Tasha brought everyone she knew to this magical land and that left no impression on the history books. The idea of the magical realm allowing an interloper to take power if they find the place also doesn't make that much sense on its own, but perhaps you could come up with an explanation for it. For instance, during the witch hunts of the Middle Ages, perhaps some women with actual magical power created a world for them to escape into and spread the word about how to get in among only other witches. They left magical protections in place that allowed a witch in need to take control of the realm should someone dangerous somehow accidentally find it, and Tasha figured out how to take advantage of those spells. Or something. There's a lot you can do with fantasy, but it still needs to have rules that make sense within the world.

That's all I have for now. I hope it was helpful. Keep writing!




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:15 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King here

The fifth part is published already! Anyways, I find less and less issues with each next chapter! The useless commas though continue coming and maybe this is the only problem. My curiousity increased. I want to know more about the shadows, more about the bad guys. The thing is that from the moment Gann started to tell the story, it became very complex and kind of messed up. I did not understand it at first and needed to read some lines several times. I was so shocked when Gann changed his accent, I just want to know about him more now! But the land thing and about how a woman have found the land, later on ruling it and its human really felt unrealistic. I could not actually believe to his story, if I was El, I would say he is telling me a fairy tail.




“Well, I did wake you up…”

--

“I know, everything is happening and it is bizarre, and I don’t want you to do it alone. Show me where you saw it, sis.”




Have a good day!





I am not a person I am a natural disaster
— TheWordsOfWolf