z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Inferior (1.1)

by Sheadun


I dug my fingernails into my skin as I looked at my pale reflection staring back at me from the mirror. That was it. The last week of my childhood year classes. After that, I would go on to my brand-new life full of inferior duties, never to live with my superior family again. A breath of air filled my lungs as I gasped in, realizing that I had been holding my breath. I painfully removed my nails from my skin and peered down at the half moon shaped imprints stuck in my skin.

“Laney?” A small voice whispered as my door creaked open, “Are you up?”

“Yes, I am,” I whipped around, opening up my arms to my sister. She leapt into them lithely, her long brown hair smacking my shoulder.

“Last week of year seventeen, huh?” Nolan asked, leaning back to peer at my reaction with her sweet blue eyes.

“That’s right, dearest. And don’t forget, it’s your last day of year nine! Year ten was my favorite year,” I reminisced, trying to pull away from the fact that I wouldn’t be around my little sister the following week. When my life would begin.

“It doesn’t matter,” She mumbled, wrapping her arms around me again, “Year nine and ten doesn’t matter. Year seventeen does.”

I opened my mouth to respond, even though I didn’t know what exactly to say. She was correct, of course. Year seventeen was truly the only year that mattered wholly. The others were only training to get to year seventeen.

I shut my mouth audibly, holding my little sister away from me. We stood there for a moment, as my indecision clouded my mind once again.

Our mother appeared in the doorway, her mouth pressed into a line of disapproval. One that I saw more often than not. It was strange, seeing my mother right behind Nolan. They were practically the same person outwardly, barring the fact that Nolan was only nine. The long, straight brown hair, that seemed to accentuate their strikingly beautiful blue eyes, which differed so greatly from mine. If only I looked more like my mother. Maybe she would have appreciated me more.

“Laney, you’re going to make your sister late for her field trip. And don’t you have your own to get to?” She sighed, pulling Nolan away from me, “Thank goodness you will be out of our home by next week. Perhaps we might be able to stick to our schedules then, right my sweet Nolan?”

Nolan only licked her lips and shrugged, not wanting to get in between her mother and older sister. Just like always. I couldn’t blame her.

“Nora, leave the girl alone,” My father groaned, giving me a dazzlingly sad smile, “Regardless of schedule, I’m sure we will be much worse off without our sweet Lanoree, don’t you agree, Nora?”

My mother only huffed, and turned to go back to the family room, pulling little Nolan behind her. My father stayed, smiling lightly.

“Good morning, dad,” I tried to smile back, faltering.

“It will all be alright, dear,” He said, ignoring my lame good morning. Dad walked towards me and slung his arm around me, looking into my violet eyes. He did truly love me, I believed. Unlike my mother, perhaps. We had the same violet shade of eyes, and the same curls. Although, his were a dark shade of brown, and mine were a white blonde type color, similar to how his skin was a light tan color and mine was pale. As a little girl, I had loved looking so similar to my Dad, with just a dash of my own twist on it.

“Come on, or we will truly be late, Dad,” I leaned my head against shoulder, just like I used to when I was a baby.

He laughed slightly and gestured for me to go ahead. I walked ahead, grabbing a protein pack as I headed out the door.

“Goodbye, Nolie!” I called, patting her on the head lightly as I walked out. I saw the flash of her bright white teeth before I shut the door behind me. My best friend, Jacen, stood on the concrete in front of my house, gripping his own protein pack.

“Hey, Lane,” Jacen breathed, hopping back and forth from one foot to another nervously.

I nodded slightly, grabbing his arm, “Why’re you so nervous? It isn’t even testing day yet, Jace.”

He shivered at the thought of testing day, licking his lips, “But, think Lane. We are closer than we have ever been to testing day right at this moment.”

“You could have said that at any moment in time and it would have bee true, Jace. Don’t be nervous,” I quipped, trying to hide my own nerves, “Today is a favorite of everyone, superiors and inferiors. Taking a step into the past, and all. Just enjoy it.”

He just shrugged as we started walking along. The other inferior students started filing in behind us as we rounded the corner to the joint year education center for the ‘Inferior Children of Society’. The separate transport engines sat stagnantly in front of the building, waiting for the children to climb onto it.

I suppressed a grin as I watched the younger children gather around the year seventeen engine. To think that all of these children wanted to grow up so soon, yet they knew nothing of the inferior world that they would be thrust into. Those lessons were taught at an older age, where the description of inferior versus superior could truly sink in. They would understand some day.

“Clear the way, children!” My teacher, Mr. Talon, called, brushing children away from the engine gently, smiling down at them, “The year seventeens are coming.”

They turned around quickly, backing away from the engine as my classmates and I walked towards the transport. I saw the nervous excitement, as they tried to peer into the engine.

I stepped on first, holding my hand out to grab Jace’s. We had been practically inseparable since our year four class. Jace’s mom used to call us the twins.

“Remember our first field trips?” He whispered lightly in my ear, trying to calm himself down, “When they’d take us to the different sectors! My favorite was service for sure. Ah, simpler times.”

“Service?” I puzzled, squinting my eyes, “Service is the absolutely worst sector there is for inferiors. Is that still your favorite?”

“Oh, no. I don’t think so at least,” He shrugged, the panic starting to settle in his eyes again, “But, who knows? Maybe the test will put me in service, or agriculture. Maybe I’ll even be an inferior teacher, like Talon.”

“I would say anything but service, but I suppose that the others are hardly better.”

“If only we had a choice in the matter,” He said lightly.

Year seventeen testing lead to the decision of where an inferior or superior child would be placed to live out their lives. In my case, I would be placed in either service, agriculture, teaching inferiors, or production. A superior child would be placed in either government, civics, science, mathematics, teaching superiors, or medics.

My parents were superiors, both placed into the science center after their year seventeen testing. After that, they were matched as a pair to produce inferior children. This kept the hierarchy honest. Superiors gave birth to inferiors, and inferiors gave birth to superiors. Inferior children would grow up in a superior household, and vice versa. This was implemented after the near apocalypse of two-thousand thirty-nine. Each citizen would get a taste of both inferior and superior life, which was supposed to help them understand respect of both statures.

In my opinion, it only created more bitterness for both sides. Inferiors were suppressed, never allowed to live up to their full potential. We were taught to serve superiors, above all. If we served superiors, our world would run. Superiors felt that inferiors were below them, or that inferiors did not work at all, as they were not educated in the higher stance, as superiors most often put it.

Jacen, Nolan, and I would all be placed in our own occupations when it was time. For Jace and I, that time was that very week. After occupational placements, we would be whisked away to the housing sections of whatever occupation we were put in. I currently lived in the superior scientific center section, as my parents were both science occupations. Just as Jacen’s parents were.

“Lane? Lanoree?” Jacen’s voice popped back into my thoughts. I must have gotten lost in my own mind for a moment.

“Sorry, Jace,” I mumbled, squishing up against him as our other classmates piled in. I didn’t ask what he was trying to get my attention for. I needed a moment to think on my own without Jace stressing me out.

“Attention!” Talon called out as he stood on the step at the front of the engine, “I am sure that your parents have explained our field trip to you, as it is a very popular one for both superiors and inferiors, but I will go into greater detail. Today, we will be transported into the past. You will view life as it was before the change. Hopefully, this will help you understand the greater need for your occupational status in the upcoming years. We will arrive in a moment, so please, listen carefully.

“When we arrive at the museum, I ask that you wait in here for a moment. We will then be taken to a room in which will simulate many situations and places of the past. There will be memorabilia for you to touch and read, but none of it is take home. Thusly, do not take anything from that room. I understand that you will want to share the experience with younger children, perhaps siblings or friends, but you do not have permission to do so. You may tell them that you saw the past, but not in any ways may you tell them what you saw. Their developing brains are not yet ready for it.”

“Now, when we go in, you will be separated into groups of two. Each person you are with will gauge your reaction to the past, just as you will do to them, so that you might not get wrapped up too far into the simulation. You may pick your partner for this trip. Now, any questions?”

We all stood there staring at our teacher. I had a million questions, but none of them were worth asking, seeing as we were just moments away from what both superiors and inferiors wait to see. I grabbed Jacen’s hand again and squeezed it lightly from nerves and excitement.

“You know, this might be the last moment where we aren’t miserable,” Jace whispered to me lightly, but I felt his words more deeply than that.

“Well then, we must enjoy it,” I sighed, as I brushed one of my long blonde curls out of my face. I would need every area of my vision for this one.

“Follow me, follow me,” Talon said, stepping into his tour guide position. We each stepped off of the transport, holding our perspective partner’s hands tightly, not wanting to get separated. A few stragglers found a partner and stepped off last. Talon gazed around, clearly counting each and every student in his head to make sure we were all there.

We walked across the concrete lot in front of the building quickly, trying to avoid the other inferior and superior groups of year seventeen children. There was one field trip simulation building per regional area, and that included many other superior and inferior schools. Many of the superior students gazed at us with clear pity, some even laughter. They grew up in the inferior environment, and soon, we would switch places.

“When we arrive at the door, your fingers will each be pricked, to document your inferior pathway coming in the near future. Please, get into single file,” Talon stated, gesturing for us to make a straight line. His grey face clearly showed a bit of excitement, which was a strange thing for him.

I filed in behind Jacen, pulling back my white sweater’s sleeves, hoping that I wouldn’t get my finger’s blood on it. Jace placed his hand on the black slab lightly and flinched when the needle pricked his hand so clearly. I swallowed lightly. In my family, we hated blood. We often did our medical work at home, seeing as both of my parents were high up in the superior scientific discovery, it was easy to get medics to our house.

It was my turn then. I placed my hand on the cold metal and was directed to relax. The needle pricked me harder than I imagined, and I pulled away slightly, closing my violet eyes.

The woman stood suddenly and eyed me strangely. I opened my mouth to ask her if everything was alright when she turned to a supervisor behind her.

“It’s malfunctioning, Sir,” She said, gesturing to the screen in front of her.

The supervisor clearly couldn’t have cared less. He shrugged and tapped a couple of buttons, restarting the screen. He waved me on, “I’m sure she’s fine.”

My eyebrows furrowed as Jacen pulled me forward.

“You malfunctioned it, Laney,” He laughed, eyeing me with his pale green eyes.

“I didn’t do it. The machine did,” I mumbled, annoyed with the fact that nothing ever just went smoothly in my life. Not even the blood test at a field trip, for God’s sake!

We kept moving along, until we saw the clear labeled ‘Sector 74 Inferior’ room at the end of the hall. It was almost as big as a stadium in size inside of the room. The obnoxious students immediately starting horsing around and running when we got in, annoying Talon instantly.

“Please, children, act your age. Gather around me.”

Jace and I moved closer to him, prepping ourselves for what was next.

 This is only draft #1! Trying to get some comments and inspiration to start editing this! I know it's not perfect but I figured I'd put it out there :)


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766 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2019 2:56 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Sheadun.

I just have general commentary and feedback for this piece based on what I noted while reading through. The first thing - just immediately jumping into this - is that this chapter was rather clunky and hard to get through. It contains a fair amount of content that seems to border on info-dumping, just from being poorly integrated to how everything is going down with this characters. The main character is trying to catch us up on the past 17 years of her life and it's packed into this one tight, little space.

The concept that you have here is falling into a futuristic, dystopian sort of place. I say dystopian because obviously if the world has become split into rankings like this, there was some discourse that caused it. I personally do not care for fantasy that relies on sorting people into groups, and then always comes up with the magical scenario of the main character not belonging to any of the groups. It's coming up more and more in modern dystopian fiction and so far the main character hasn't given me a real call to be interested in their plight?

This is a good start on something, but the text to me reads like they're not interested in the mysterious circumstances so why should the audience be interested in what's going on. Perhaps if more attention was drawn to the scene where the blood was taken. If there was some amount of concern for the errors and all that was going on.
Maybe you cover that in a later chapter part but it just seems like it would have been appropriate for here as well.

This concept also reminds me just a bit of The Giver. From how people are sorted and matched together to produce offspring of a particular type. And how children reach a certain age and then take on a particular career that's been determined for the entire community. And also the glimmers of talking about trips into the past. It all reminds me of that sort of story.

Which isn't a bad thing.

From my point of view, it's just something that you have to be careful about when you set to write a piece like this. I've seen a lot of similar stories, so I'm just going to ask this short series of questions to guide this a bit.
1. What key detail makes your story stand out?
2. How does your character respond to her role?
3. And in this world, how does being a member of the third role affect how people are treated?

It looks like you have a good start to your story. You just need to put in a bit of work to getting people's attention and making sure that they are going to stick around.

If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
Happy Review Day.
- Jack




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Thu May 23, 2019 8:53 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hello, Sheadun!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on obviously. I'm here to give you this fantastic chapter a review! Alright, so may I say, that this is lovely? I'll say it even if you don't allow me.

This is amazing and so lovely and I just love this chapter to the core!!! Well, The Chapter but subtract the mother. She's kinda mean. This part shocked me to death:

“Laney, you’re going to make your sister late for her field trip. And don’t you have your own to get to?” She sighed, pulling Nolan away from me, “Thank goodness you will be out of our home by next week. Perhaps we might be able to stick to our schedules then, right my sweet Nolan?”


I was like: What!?

There was just one teeny weeny thing that I'd like to point out real quick.

“You could have said that at any moment in time and it would have bee true, Jace. Don’t be nervous,”


I'm pretty sure that bold word is meant to be been instead of bee. :)

Also, you said this isn't perfect? Well, you're absolutely wrong! This is PERFECT. Beyond the heavens perfect, ya know? I love the details, the thoughts, the word-usage (especially!) that you've put in here! This is amazing, I assure you. :smt023 Anyways, I should shut up now, lol.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Sheadun says...


Hi!

Wow, thank you for this amazing review! You were so kind about my work, and I already feel so much better about it. I definitely did mean to make it been!! I%u2019m glad the part with the mother shocked you!! It%u2019ll make sense when you keep reading (eventually haha!)

Thank you again, and I hope that you read mine again!!

Sheadun



Lib says...


Your very welcome. Do you mind tagging me for the next chapter.



Sheadun says...


Absolutely!




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane