z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Children of Zeus

by Sheadun


Chapter 1

Birthdays. The one day of the year when every child feels as if they control the entire universe. They always turn out to be perfect for that special birthday girl or boy. They even seem to go down in history as the best day of the year for children. I never thought that someday I would believe that my sixteenth birthday would go down as one of the worst days of my entire life. Kids, and adults alike, are supposed to gain on their birthdays. They gain presents, a new age, perhaps even weight on that special day. Loss is not supposed to be involved with the birthday of a teen or child. Why did loss have to have such an impact on my birthday? Why couldn’t I have been able to get my driving permit like a regular sixteen year old? Or maybe even a new car as so many teenagers seem to get every year. Why did I have to lose someone so important to me? And finally, why? Why did it have to send my life into a rollercoaster ride that I never would seem to get off of?

I never would find answers to my questions.

It all started off as a regular birthday. My sisters Charlie and Braelie woke me up as usual, laughing and singing at the top of their lungs. It was hard to be grumpy when you had two sisters jumping up and down on you just to celebrate your birth. My laughter burst out all at one time, while I dragged them down on top of me.

“Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu.” They finished my song with a note that seemed to go on forever as we sat on my bed.

“Happy birthday, Ever!” Braelie smiled and shook my shoulders, “Now we are finally back to being twins.”

I rolled my eyes at my ‘older’ sister’s comment. We were both adopted, with her happening to be older than me by four months. We almost looked like we could be biologically related, other than her curls and my stick straight hair, which didn’t help that perception at all.

“Oh, how I missed being your age, Brae.” I laughed, covering my mouth to keep from spitting from my sudden bout of laughter.

“Happy birthday.” Char said, grabbing my hands with her still chubby, baby fingers.

I smiled at my small sister, and kissed her on the top of her blond head, “Thank you, sweet Char. Now let’s go downstairs and eat some of that cake that Mom promised us.”

Braelie nodded her head frantically and grabbed me and Char’s hands, dragging us down our long flight of stairs that led into our kitchen. My parents hugged me, wishing me happy birthday over and over again. I cut into my cake, filled with fruits and frosting, smiling at the smell of freshly baked cake that came over me. It was moments like these that we would all remember as we grew up. I realized this more and more as I became older.

“Give me a piece!” Char shouted, pulling me out of my own thoughts as she jumped up and down on her seat. Mom scolded her and warned her to be patient, asking her to take a seat at the table.

“No, its fine Mom.” I laughed, “Maybe I am taking a little too long hear. Isn’t that right Char?”

She nodded hungrily as I doled out each of our cake slices. There was only one thing that I was missing at this sweet family moment, “Ari should be here.” I murmured.

My Dad raised his fork to me, “And that brings us to your grand gift of the day, my girl.”

I looked towards him searching his eyes for some sort of explanation, “Dad? What do you mean?”

“Me and your mom have been in touch with your brother, and we worked something out with him as of late. As your big birthday gift, we loaned Ari some money to be able to take you to Boston to see a show. We knew that you would want to see him, and what better way to let our girl see a big show than with her favorite brother.”

My heart was smiling as I looked towards each of my adopted family. Giving me time with my older biological brother was the best gift that they could give me for my birthday. Ari was my best friend, brother, and protector and he always had been. He was the one to find me a good home when I was only five and him seventeen. He was the one that stayed with horrible foster families, just so I could get the exactly right one. I owed everything I had to Ari, and I would always repay that in all of the love and support that I could give him.

I gave each of my parents the biggest hug imaginable and set off to go get ready. Apparently, it wouldn’t just be the show we were seeing, we were going shopping on the common and then out to eat. I really couldn’t contain my excitement.

Braelie followed me up the stairs all the while, quizzing me on different road signs. I was preparing to take my permit test the following day, so she had been quizzing me endlessly as she had taken it fourth months before. I was relieved to finally be at my room by the time she had finished the first round of signs. I was way too tired to handle another round.

“Enough signs, Brae. Help me pick out something to wear.”

“Fine.” She huffed, while pulling random things out of my closet at a rapid pace. I knew she had found the right outfit when the sudden floods of clothing stopped being thrown at me.

“This is the one, Ever.” She nodded, handing me a cream colored dress. I shook my head at her, “This is yours, Brae. Find me something else.”

“Absolutely not. If it looks good on me, then It looks good on you. We have the same coloring, Everlie, and we even happen to be the same height. Wear the dress.”

I laughed at how that sounded. It really was strange how similar we looked. She and I always laughed that maybe we had the same father. After all, she was adopted at birth, and there was a small possibility. Maybe our ‘dad’ just liked having more than one woman.

“Fine.” I grinned, “Thanks, Brae.”

She nodded at me in recognition and then got to work on my long straight hair, putting it in a simple French braid. After not that long, I was ready to go and standing on the front lawn waiting for Ari to pick me up. Mom and Dad gave me hugs, as well as Braelie and Charlie. At each car that drove by, my toes tingled in anticipation hoping that it would be my older brother. He finally arrived, stepping out of his car and onto my driveway.

Ari pulled down his sunglasses, grinning wildly at me. I ran at him full speed, happy when he picked me up as he hugged me close as he always had done.

“Happy Birthday, Ever-bear.” He whispered into my ear, kissing me on the cheek quickly.

“I missed you, Ari, so much.” I smiled as he set me down on the solid ground. It was strange looking at him doing so well in life. I still remembered the seventeen year old that had dropped me off at my house, struggling to pay for himself once he had turned eighteen. And now he was twenty-eight and thriving. It made me smile to know that I hadn’t ruined his whole life. Maybe just his childhood and teenage life.


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Sun May 26, 2019 11:21 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hey Shea!

I love reviewing your stuff, don't I? I do, because I'm back again for another one! I hope you're doing well today or tonight, obviously depending on what side of the world you're on. Alright, let's dig right into the review.

But before I do, lemme just say that this is so cute! I love the relationship between everyone even though Ever is adopted. Because in most stories, the adopted child is treated wrongly. I don't see what could go wrong in Ever's birthday. Oh wait, she said someone she loved most left or died. Is it Ari? Did something happen to him? I think something happened to him. Well, anyways, as usual, the description was all good and everything was top-notch.

Okay, so I caught a few things here and there that I'd like to point out.

Why did it have to send my life into a rollercoaster ride that I never would seem to get off of?


The bold word does not need to be together. It can just be roller coaster. That would be okay, I assure you.

“Maybe I am taking a little too long hear. Isn’t that right Char?”


The bold word here, is not the right word for this context. The word here would be better to put here.

I was preparing to take my permit test the following day, so she had been quizzing me endlessly as she had taken it fourth months before.


I'm pretty sure if you had just written four, that would have been totally cool.

“Absolutely not. If it looks good on me, then It looks good on you. We have the same coloring, Everlie, and we even happen to be the same height. Wear the dress.”


This is a cute dialogue and it really gives a nice description on what type of girl Brae is, ya know? But just one thing here. The capitalized word doesn't need to be capitalized. I'm talking about the bold word, by the way.

Anyhoo, that's it. I hope this review helped, and I'd love to see more form you. You're stories are always so great!

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




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Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:57 pm
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi Sheadun! I'm here from WRFF.

I think you've got a really good start to your story. This chapter flows well and you have introduced us to what are probably the most important characters. I think you have generally done a good job of setting up the story, although I don't think the plot is present yet, which is totally fine. The stage is set, and you have yet to call, "Action!". The theme of adoption is interesting, particularly since Everlie's family seems to have adopted more than one child, so I wonder if adoption will play a greater role in the plot? I think that would certainly be a unique addition.

I agree with DarkPandemonium that the introductory paragraph strikes me as a little strange. I wouldn't really include it in the first chapter. In my mind, if this were a book in paperback or something, that first paragraph would be in italics a page before the actual first chapter. It's not even a prologue, but a monologue breaching the fourth wall. Of course, there is nothing actually wrong with this, but I'm not sure if it fits your story. I would remove it from the actual chapter, but perhaps you could save it as a sort of preface? I appreciate its originality and I think it does benefit the characterization of your protagonist.

I think your dialogue needs work. I'm not speaking in terms of grammar (although, there are some points to be mindful of), but the actual dialogue. I feel that it is sometimes forced, a little rehearsed, if that makes sense. Don't push too much on the characters and let the dialogue flow, as you would let it flow in real life when you are making conversation with another individual. I would recommend that you read these parts out loud to yourself, and if you find them slightly awkward, you might be able to find a solution to make them less so.

I think the relationship between Ari and Everlie, particularly their life story as foster kids, is a little unclear. I'm not sure if Ari stayed for a little bit with Everlie and her adoptive parents, or if he just dropped her at her new home when she was young? Clearly, there is some sort of relationship between the adoptive parents and Ari if they are willing to support him financially in some way. I think you have a lot of information being dropped in one chapter, like introducing Charlie, Braelie, Everlie, the parents, Ari, and the story right now. If you tone it down just slightly, you might be able to clarify points that are clearly important, such as the nature of the adoptive relationship.

Overall, I think this is a sweet chapter and your characters are particularly endearing. I'm not sure if Everlie is acting like an actual sixteen year old might - at this point, she seems to be acting quite young for her age - but perhaps that is something else you can work on. Otherwise, I'm most intrigued about the adoption theme and what the actual plot will be!

Thanks for the read!

Lavvie




Sheadun says...


Hi Lavvie!

Thanks for the review!

Your advice is really helpful. I only have one comment to make :) I wanted Everlie to seem kind of young for her age, to show how innocent she was in the beginning versus the end after her life is changed!

Thank you again,
Shea



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Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:36 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.

They always turn out to be perfect for that special birthday girl or boy.
I think that there could be a very strong case made against this statement, so I would say 'always seemed to turn out perfectly'.

Maybe I am taking a little too long hearhere.


As my final note related to grammar and the finer points of writing, I think that 'biological' and 'adoption' was mentioned a little too frequently. I am a bit more sensitive in this area because I feel very strongly about adoption, so admittedly I might be overreacting, but I got it the first time. I feel like it was reiterated a bit too much.

SIKE! Haha, did you really think I would be content with just that much grammar? Nope, got one more note here. For real this time, last grammatical note.

I would recommend a little more showing, rather than telling. That was the big thing I noticed throughout this piece, especially when you talked about Ari's relationship to Ever. (really unique names, by the way. I like that.) That's the biggest thing I noticed in your writing, and it's the one thing that I would improve about this segment.

Overall, I liked the tone that you used here. It was fluid and described the actions and feelings of the characters very well, and I liked the foreshadows to a dramatic and life-changing experience. Good job on this, and I'll be around to read the next part! PM me if you have any questions :)

Best wishes,
MJ




Sheadun says...


Hi MJ!

Thanks for the review! I really enjoyed your critiques and will take all of them into consideration :) I've never written about adoption, so I was just hoping to get the point across because it will have quite a bit to do with the story as it goes along. I will change that :)

Thanks for the critiques!!

Shea



Sheadun says...


Oh and one more note! Lately I have been writing hear instead of here and I really don't know why....I've done it twice this week and I'm confused. Maybe it's that summer brain haha



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Wed Aug 16, 2017 5:00 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Sheadun! Pan here to fry up a review.

First Impressions

You're clearly a fluent and capable writer. Your style is simple but accessible, easy to read and decently paced. Grammar is good - I can only spot a few hiccups in the dialogue punctuation. Your cast of characters and the story itself seems to have potential, though I obviously don't know a great deal about it yet. Still, I'm intrigued by Ever's dynamic with her adoptive family and even more so by relationship with her brother, so I'm looking forward to seeing how the next chapter pans out.

Before I go into nitpicks, I'm going to talk about how you start the story - the first paragraph specifically. It's what I'd call a Please Read On Monologue. You have the character talk directly to the reader, musing about birthdays and happiness and growth, before going on to lament about the bad things that happened to them and how their life changed forever after one fateful event. It feels like you're whispering at me behind your hand and saying 'Please keep reading! So much dramatic stuff is going to happen! Please read on!'

It actually has the reverse effect. Good writing makes you forget that you're reading, so by speaking directly to the reader and telling them about what is going to happen in the story, you damage the immersion. It's a mistake loads of young writers make - god knows I've done it - but it's one you should catch earlier rather than later.

Start the story where it starts. Don't fall into the temptation to tell the audience what a great novel they're in for; let the story speak for itself. Act like the reader isn't there. In short...

Birthdays. The one day of the year when every child feels as if they control the entire universe. They always turn out to be perfect for that special birthday girl or boy. They even seem to go down in history as the best day of the year for children. I never thought that someday I would believe that my sixteenth birthday would go down as one of the worst days of my entire life. Kids, and adults alike, are supposed to gain on their birthdays. They gain presents, a new age, perhaps even weight on that special day. Loss is not supposed to be involved with the birthday of a teen or child. Why did loss have to have such an impact on my birthday? Why couldn’t I have been able to get my driving permit like a regular sixteen year old? Or maybe even a new car as so many teenagers seem to get every year. Why did I have to lose someone so important to me? And finally, why? Why did it have to send my life into a rollercoaster ride that I never would seem to get off of?

I never would find answers to my questions.


I would delete all of this. The story starts with her waking up on her birthday, so tell it from there. That's the first active scene and the first moment where you capture my interest.

With that said, I'll move onto the nitpicks!

Nitpicks

They finished my song with a note that seemed to go on forever as we sat on my bed.


I feel like we already know they're on the bed so that last bit is unnecessary.

“Happy birthday, Ever!” Braelie smiled and shook my shoulders, “Now we are finally back to being twins.”


1) The comma should be a full stop.

2) I find her use of 'we are' a bit stilted. It's your call, but I think the dialogue would sound more natural if she said: "Now we're finally back to being twins."

I rolled my eyes at my ‘older’ sister’s comment


We know what she's rolling her eyes at. Try not to over-clarify.

“Oh, how I missed being your age, Brae.” I laughed, covering my mouth to keep from spitting from my sudden bout of laughter.


1) Dialogue followed by a dialogue tag should never be closed with a full stop. Replace the full stop after 'Brae' with a comma.

2) You have a habit of reminding us of things you've only just told us. We already know Ever is laughing; you don't need to say it again.

“Happy birthday.” Char said, grabbing my hands with her still chubby, baby fingers.


Again, a few minor issues with punctuation. This should be written as:

“Happy birthday,” Char said, grabbing my hands with her still-chubby baby fingers.

I cut into my cake, (which was) filled with fruits and frosting, smiling at the smell of freshly baked cake


1) Maybe just tweak this to get rid of the repetition. Perhaps substitute the second use of cake with 'sponge'?

2) Add the 'which was' into that middle clause; without it it seems like you're saying that Ever is the thing filled with fruits and frosting.

“No, its fine Mom.” I laughed, “Maybe I am taking a little too long hear. Isn’t that right Char?”


Some more minor punctuation things. You need commas before names. It should be:

"No, it's fine, Mom," I laughed. “Maybe I am taking a little too long hear. Isn’t that right, Char?”

There was only one thing that I was missing at this sweet family moment, “Ari should be here.” I murmured.


On the technical side of things, you need to swap the comma after 'moment' for a full stop, put in a line break, then swap the full stop after 'here' with a comma. It would look like this:

There was only one thing that I was missing at this sweet family moment.

“Ari should be here,” I murmured.


However, I personally think you should delete 'There was only one thing that I was missing at this sweet family moment' entirely. I don't think it adds anything. If you had something like:

She nodded hungrily as I doled out each of our cake slices. A small silence fell.

“Ari should be here,” I murmured.


It would be more subtle, in my opinion. The deleted line feels like a bit of a flashing neon sign, pointing to the incoming dialogue and saying 'This is important!' Without it, the exchange has a more natural feel.

He was the one that stayed with horrible foster families, just so I could get the exactly right one.


Admittedly, I don't know much about the foster system, especially in America, but this struck me as strange. Are we supposed to believe that Ari let Ever go to a nice foster home in his place? That seems odd to me, because I'd imagine different foster carers take on differently-aged children anyway, so they wouldn't be considered for the same family in the first place. Also, why was Ari in charge of negotiating where Ever stayed when he was still legally a child? Wouldn't that be the job of some kind of social worker?

“This is the one, Ever.” She nodded, handing me a cream colored dress. I shook my head at her, “This is yours, Brae. Find me something else.”


1) The 'she nodded' bit is strange, because it's positioned like it's a dialogue tag while not really being a dialogue tag. I think it would probably be better if you just said 'she said, handing me a cream-colored dress'.

2) You need to start a new line after 'dress'.

“Absolutely not. If it looks good on me, then It (typo) looks good on you. We have the same coloring, Everlie, and we even happen to be the same height. Wear the dress.”


This part of the dialogue feels too exposition-y and shoehorned. It's like you're trying to hint at something, but it's unnatural for Braelie to say this considering that it's common knowledge between them. It'd be like me informing my sister that we both have brown eyes when she's known that her whole life.

I think you could delete it. The rest of the dialogue is fine.

And now he was twenty-eight and thriving. It made me smile to know that I hadn’t ruined his whole life. Maybe just his childhood and teenage life.


I don't think this is a particularly strong end to the chapter. Unless this piece is actually only a part of the first chapter and more is incoming, I'd try and rephrase it into a more conclusive line. It ends quite abruptly.

Overall Thoughts

1) First thing, dialogue. You trip up quite consistently on the dialogue punctuation, but it only takes two ticks to sort out. What I'm seeing a lot of is this sort of thing:

"Go to the shops." She said, "Get some paper towels."

Three things that are important to remember are:

a) Dialogue followed by a dialogue tag (e.g. 'she said') should never be closed with a full stop. Instead, it should be closed with a comma - or with an exclamation mark or question mark, providing the context is appropriate. So you could have:

"Go to the shops," she said.

"Go to the shops!" she shouted.

"Will you go to the shops?" she asked.


But never a full stop. The only time you can close dialogue with a full stop is when there is no dialogue tag, as in:

"Go to the shops."

b) Dialogue tags should never have capitals. This is an easy one to remember because there are no exceptions. If you see 'She said' or 'He said' after dialogue, you know you've gone wrong somewhere.

c) If the two bits of dialogue before and after the tag are separate sentences, you should have a full stop after the tag. If they're part of the same sentence, you should have a comma. This is quite a hard one to explain, so I'll use some examples:

"What do you think you're doing?" she said. "You've broken my vase!"

In this instance, 'said' is followed by a full stop. This is because "What do you think you're doing?" and "You've broken my vase!" are both sentences in their own right. However, if we compare that with this:

"What," she said, "do you think you're doing?"

In this instance, 'said' is followed by a comma. This is because "What" and "do you think you're doing?" are both part of the same sentence and they cannot stand alone.

With all three points taken into account, the first bit of dialogue should look like this:

"Go to the shop," she said. "Get some paper towels."

It's a fiddly business, but always look it up online if you're not sure what punctuation to use, or check the dialogue in a published book as a reference point. Eventually it becomes automatic.

2) Sensory description. There are moments where you talk about smell and other senses, but they're very brief and quite non-specific. I want more from you. When Ever pulls her sisters onto the bed, do the springs rattle and groan? Does the sugary frosting on the cake make her teeth sting? Do the fruits burst on her tongue; do they taste tangy or sharp or sweet? Are her mother's arms warm when she hugs her? Does Char bang a spoon on the table in her demand for cake, filling the kitchen with the thump of metal on wood? Think in all dimensions. If you keep the description vivid but sparing, the scene will become much more tangible.

I'll call the review here or I'll ramble on forever. I hope this was helpful! I'll follow you so I can keep up with future instalments; I like to help people across the course of their novels and this one has promise. Looking forward to meeting the much-talked-about Ari.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Sheadun says...


Hi Pan!

Thanks for your review. I always love when people take their time to delve into my work, and you certainly did! Thank you for all of the comments!

I just have two small things to note :) 1. It is only one part of the first chapter and 2. I've gotten such conflicting information on the commas after dialogue. Most often, people told me to replace it with a period after speaking so I did. But i see that I was right in the first place!! Thanks :) haha !

Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you will continue :)

Shea



Panikos says...


That's fair enough, I know the rules for dialogue seem to change according to country and star patterns and who knows what else! I'm only going off what I seem to see most commonly. But I'm glad you liked the review :)




Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby