When Life danced...

by Sharon1407

Dance is the rhythmic perception of what I like to call Life.

My feet tap on the rhythm of my heartbeat,

My hands move with the flow of my breath.

My eyes look in the direction of my dreams afloat.

My smile is the purest symbol of my inner satisfaction.

My body, for those moments become much more than flesh and skin,

Elevated to that domain where I cannot hear, see or feel a thing,

But just my soul whispering, "Dance out your life to the music that only I can hear".

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Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

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Sun Nov 06, 2016 11:03 am

Lumi wrote a review...

Ayyyyy, grocery listing. This, I can crack into.

In short, don't do it.

My blank. My blank. My blank. My blank. You see. The problem. We're having? When you structure and execute, deliver a piece like this with repetition and refrain so egregious, you take away so much reader value and enjoyment that it's essentially a statement that "This is about what I, the writer, care about, and you, the reader, mean nothing."

And that's not true at all, is it? It's nigh upon the opposite. Readers should mean everything, and your words should translate to them so that they interpret your work to take away something you may not have intended. This was supposed to be about dance? Maybe I would've read it about being in-sync with oneself and understanding that one's heartbeat and breath should be in line with one's motions, emotions, and passions.

That is what I took from this. But it was about dance. So all of this is to say that your largest flaw in all of this is your flow--which comes at the hands of your tedious refrain and statement-making. Statement 1, statement2. Mix it up. Experiment. Get weird.

I'm positive you'll love the results.
Ty

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

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Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:18 pm

Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Sharon1407!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

The capitalization of the word "Life" caught my eye right from the beginning. I agree with the previous reviewer that this seems to be out of place, and doesn't seem to serve a purpose. You mentioned that your friend's name is "Dance" but you didn't mention anything about anybody or anything named "Life" in the sense that it should be used as a proper noun.

My feet tap on the rhythm of my heartbeat,

My hands move with the flow of my breath.

These lines sound kind of weird in my opinion, and they don't make much sense. You can't tap on a rhythm, and as for the last line, I'm not sure if you mean if your hands and your breath are moving in synchronization or not. I think a good way to fix the first line, however, would be to change "on" to the word "to", as it would make more sense.

Elevated to that domain where I cannot hear, see or feel a thing,

But just my soul whispering, "Dance out your life to the music that only I can hear".

The last line doesn't really make much sense to me. The phrase "Dance out your life" sounds weird, and though it's a metaphor and isn't literal, still sounds odd or misplaced. I think it'd make more sense as "Pour your soul into the dance of music only I can hear" but even that sounds kind of choppy.

I feel as if the poem is really short and choppy, and the flow of the poem doesn't play very nicely together in some places, especially the transitions from one line to the next. There's a lot of unnecessary...conjunctions you could say? A lot of words are put in between others that I don't really find necessary, although I'm not sure how to describe it.

There's major repetition at the beginning of each line, as they all start with the word "My" (at least in the middle parts), and it's odd to read the lines that don't begin with "my". I suggest maybe some lines can be rephrased to not all start with the same word.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^

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Sat Nov 05, 2016 4:57 am

Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Sharon, here's Casanova for a review!

The first thing that I noticed about this poem was why,'life,' is capitalized? It seems out of place considering life is a common term, and not proper in any sense- even in this poem.
Another thing that I noticed was this line-

My eyes look in the direction of my dreams afloat

The,"afloat," part bothers me, here. It seems as if you wanted to keep the flow going, but the wording of this just seems awkward. It seems to me you can remove this word all together and not lose anything by it.
Another thing I noticed would be these two lines-

My body, for those moments become much more than flesh and skin,
Elevated to that domain where I cannot hear, see or feel a thing,

Take a second to read this aloud. To me, at least, the flow seems off and kind of awkward. You could fix this by changing the second line(I'll get to why in a moment), to something that flows similar.
In the first line I mentioned there you add a comma at the beginning, yet there isn't any reason to. The pausing seems awkward and misplaced, and I think considering the rest of the poem it could benefit from removal.
Now, the second line-

Elevated to that domain where I cannot hear, see or feel a thing,

Now, what doesn't make sense to me is in a previous line you mention."My eyes look," which is contradicted here, without really any point or place. You can remove it, and the flow would be better as well, considering no awkward pauses if you just use,"and," between,"hear," and,"feel."
Anyway, I hope this helped and have a good day.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

PS- you have extra spacing in your last, and you use,"hear," after saying you couldn't hear. Contradictions.

Sharon1407 says...

Will look to it. Thanks.

Young Writers Society

When Life danced...

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