Hello Sharon. Knight Ink of the After Watch here to move your poem out of the Green Room.
The theme here is so strong. It's like the narrator forgot everything, even their pain, when they saw the girl's tears and hurts. And in another way, I can take it as the narrator tried to move oh-so-close to the girl, but then the girl's pain formed a chasm between them and the narrator couldn't take a step forward. They couldn't join for that reason--the girl was building a wall around her. I also feel as though the tears have a sense of irony. When someone cries, I suppose others will usually look with some kind of concern or something. In this case, the narrator was trying to reach her but the tears brought so much sorrow that it split them.
I didn't like the structure though honestly. I felt as though there was one thought every line, and I would have loved it if the thoughts flowed from line to line, leaking into other lines, to form something of a coherent form. In this case, my major issue with this poem is flow. And some lines are a little awkward:
Those tears at the brim of her eyelids, she couldn’t hide.
I think (just considering the line by itself) the sentence can be rewritten as
She couldn't hide those tears brimming in her eyes
Now I don't think that line, if inserted in the poem, would help the poem (instead perhaps worsen it) but just remember that if reading the line aloud sounds awkward or clunky, it should be rephrased.
To take the poem up the next step, my suggestion is to use a metaphor here so that the poem can be veiled by a little subtlety. Or perhaps strengthen the emotions in here. Stating emotions can only take the poet so far. *Showing* them using the tools of poetry can really change things. Just food for thought.
I think that's all I've got to say now. Don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk about this; remember that my suggestions are just plain suggestions and in the end, it's up to you to use them or not.
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