Current version(Edited):
This
is what we do that follows behind.
This is what
everybody in the world remembers.
Whether we make it good or bad, this is what we bind
To
our soul, our heart, when we lay smoldering on embers.
This
is who we are in the eyes of others,
How
we long to be seen as part of the crowd.
But
is this what releases us, or is it what smothers?
Is
this who we are, is it what makes us proud?
Release
yourself, so others may understand,
Don’t
contain your passion, don’t contain what you love!
Keep
hold of yourself, stay in command
Let
yourself fly free like a dove.
Hold
passion, compassion, love, understanding.
Trust
in yourself, and soar above the clouds!
Release
your soul, and make understanding withstanding.
So
that your soul can fly free without shroud.
Leave
a legacy without the criticism of others,
For
this is the part of you that should be on display.
Don’t
let them push you down, let your soul recover
Don't let your attention to redemption go astray.
**************************************************************
Previous version (This is the one that was actually entered):
This is what we leave behind,
What everybody remembers.
Good or bad, this what we bind
To our soul, our heart, when we lay smoldering on embers.
This is who we are in the eyes of others,
How we long to be seen as part of the crowd.
But is this what releases us, or is it what smothers?
Is this who we are, is this what makes us proud?
Release yourself, so others may understand,
Don’t contain your passion, don’t contain what you love!
Keep hold of yourself, stay in command
Let yourself fly free like a dove.
Hold passion, compassion, love, understanding.
Trust in yourself, and soar above the clouds!
Release your soul, and make understanding withstanding.
So that you yourself may be understood, and stand without shroud.
Leave a legacy without the criticism of others,
For this is who you should really be.
Don’t let them push you down, let your soul recover
Your bright soul let others see.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
This is an incredible poem. I really admire the word choices you used in order to create rhymes. Personally when I try to incorporate rhymes in my poems they turn out cheesy or childish. You were able to do this and still give it a sophisticated feel. Good job, hopefully you win!
Thanks, I should be getting the acceptance letter soon. I'll let everyone know if I win!
Hello, it is Toady here for a review on an amazingly AWESOME piece!
Dude, you are about to get really, really rich. This was an amazingly crafted and rhymed poem that brang a (figurative) tear to my eye. They need to carve this on a thing somewhere important. I really have no complaints about this beautiful, beautiful thing. I scoured the whole thing until my gum went stale looking for something that could improve this in any easy, and I found NOTHING! NOOOTTTHIIINNGGG!!!!!!!!!! That is a really big accomplishment, escaping my all-seeing eye. It is perfectly formatted and the stanzas are flawless. This was a pleasure to read, and you area getting a follower for it. I hope to see more of your awesome poems! (I also read 'The Sun's Rays' and loved it.)
-Toady
Thanks so much for the encouragement! I can't wait to find out if I win. One poem that almost everyone who's read them has liked more is Follow the Wind. It is posted, and I'd love to know which one you like more!
I honestly can't choose!
I just realized, I entered a previous, unedited version of this poem. Do you think I should put the unedited version underneath the current one so I can see how people would react to the other version?
That sounds like a cool idea!
That was wonderful! And very very deep. I love how you expressed that no matter what you have done. No matter how bad. No matter how good, you will be remembered by what you have done. And this expresses one of my main arguments. That no matter how many friends you have, or what your social status is, you will be remembered by what you have done. NOT by any social status you have. You could be the lowest of lows, but if you spent your life helping other people, the people you have helped will remember. Even if you're not famous, be happy with what you have, that is what defines human beings.
Thanks! Do you think it has a chance in the contest?
Thanks! Do you think it has a chance in the contest?
ABSOLUTLY. The other competitors don't stand a chance!!!
This is a good review. Nice job!