Young Writers Society

Fantastic work! It flowed beautifully, and I love how the poem had a concept. It was extremely rigid and well defined, something that held my attention through out. I definitely loved the rhyme scheme and the structure of the poem, which added to the depth and emotion flowing within it. One part that could be worked on is that about half of the "follow me" parts could be cut out--it ends up not adding to the poem as much, but other than that, great work.

Wow, this poem is amazing! I was totally captivated by it - something that doesn't often happen with me and poetry. Your description and imagery was amazing; I felt like I was really able to see what was going on. It definitely sets an eerie scene, perfectly suitable for Death's repeated phrases.
Also the amount of syllables in each line set it at a nice pace, and the rhyming works really well!

Wow! Amazing poem! the rhyming and flow gives it a good fast pace when reading it, almost like a dance, and the imagery really makes it eerie. A couple of things I noticed at the beginning:
"Never before had she felt this pain" I think the "had" needs to be "has" otherwise the change of tense is confusing - I get what you're trying to say I just think it would make more grammatical sense. I also think that in the line:
"You might be in pain but you are not yet dead.” there are too many syllables and it doesn't fit the structure. You could easily change this though by changing "you are" to "you're". I think the rhyming was a bit off in a few places, but I completely get that it's hard to rhyme so effectively for such a long poem so you actually did an amazing job.

I liked how you repeated what Death said like 3 times (I think...?) which was eerie and extremely effective, however I think this made your poem a bit too long, some verses were un necessary but this is more personal. The length of your poem actually worked well in the sense that you told this encounter with Death as a kind of story for this Girl, and how slowly she succumbs to his influence. This "wearing away" of her will to live again, is really effective because of the way you repeated Death's chant.

This poem was great overall - it really hooks the reader, and verse length isn't too longue so it's easy to read and get completely into the flow of the poem, really good job.
Well done!
Tick tock

This is a really good poem. So many on this site are either well written and hollow, or trying to get across a meaning, but garbled and almost impossible to read. This is one of the few which combines technical skill with a real message. First though, there are some places where the wording could be improved. In chronological order...

-Extraordinary in the fourth stanza would sound better as incredible;

-'none of it was true' -> it was not true;

-'but can't rid it of the buzz' -> can't get rid of the buzz;

-'out here among the fuzz' -> along with the fuzz (this line also doesn't make much sense);

-'who does not tell me true' -> you who do not tell me true;

-'should she just give in' -> should she give in.

Of course, all of these are up to you, I only suggest what I think would be better.

Now onto the meaning. Obviously, I can't correct this, but I can tell you what I thought it was, so you can see how well you got your meaning across, although everyone has had different experiences in life, and will consequently interpret everything differently.

The meaning I got from it was about the struggle between standing up for what you know to be right, being a brilliant flame against the dirty grey of mediocrity, and the temptation to just relax, to give up fighting, to stop caring, to fall asleep and never wake up. It was something I could really relate to. I want to be something great. I want to really really go for life, and I think I will, but sometimes I find myself thinking that I could be happy enough being just another person.

I don't know if that was what you intended the poem to be about, but it really worked like that for me. Thank you for writing it, I really enjoyed it.

Not a review, but i really enjoyed this poem, it flowed beautifully, and I quite enjoyed it. Keep at it.

Not a review, just a comment that when I was reading this it sounded in my head like a song, it's so rhythmic. Nice job, this would be cool to put to music.

Wow! This was a very well written and well constructed poem, Sarah12!

I loved the flow between each of the verses or stanzas, whatever form you wish to refer them as, and the descriptions were very vivid. It was very deep, intense and rather mysterious!

I really enjoyed reading your poem, you have done an exceptional job at writing this wonderful piece and I can't wait to read more of your works because you've just earned yourself a follow!


MissLyricz x