z

Young Writers Society



Let Me Love You(3)

by Rascalover


*Warning- The Reason it is rated pg-13 is because the character Gary has some very descriptive dreams about Isabella*

Chapter three

Just as Jay was about to settle down with a nice, cold beer he heard the old brass knocker thump the door. When he opened the door, Gary was standing in front of him with a cold, blank stare.

“Hey, man, come on in. You want a beer?” Jay asked as Gary strutted in.

“No, Jay; I would love to talk to you, though. What the hell were you thinking telling Belle that you didn’t love her anymore? She heard every word you said, and now that she’s awake, she’s crushed. Jay, she loved you, and you just dumped all of this on her while she was unconscious. How could you?” Gary’s voice rose as his face turned thirty different shades of red.

“Stop it, Gary. I didn’t do it to be vicious. I loved her, too. I had no idea she heard me, or I would have waited. I didn’t mean to hurt her. She must hate me; but, really, it was about time we stopped pretending. You have no idea what our relationship was like so don’t come into my home and criticize me!” Jay yelled back putting Gary in his place.

“Well, Jay, I’m just going to let you know that tomorrow she’s leaving the hospital. She’s going to live with me because she has to be on bed rest, and I know that you two aren’t on the greatest of terms. I’m not saying you meant to hurt her; I know you loved her, but you did hurt her. You should go up there to talk to her.” Gary had calmed down some by now.

“Gary, I don’t know if I can. Since she’s staying with you maybe you want to take her things,” Jay said as though Isabella was a used doll he was throwing away.

“Fine, Jay, I will.” Gary went upstairs to get her things and put them in his truck.

Back at Gary’s house, he was putting Isabella’s things into his guest room. The pale green walls were to put her at ease. The white wooden dresser matched the white framed queen size bed. The look was comforting and peaceful. It was her favorite kind of look: peaceful and simplistic. He hoped it didn‘t look like he was trying too hard for her to like to be there, with him.

He was unloading her things when a photo album fell out of a box. He picked it up and studied it for a moment. It had opened to a page with a picture of the two of them on it- a picture of Gary and Isabella in front of their work back in Ohio. It brought confusion back into Gary’s heart. The way he felt for her was indescribable. All though he knew he could only be her best friend in this situation, he needed to know if things could progress later in time. Gary went back up to the hospital just in time to catch Joe Don and Destiny as they were leaving.

“Hey, Gary, she’s asleep. So why don’t you come with us for lunch and let her sleep?” Joe Don offered; Gary reluctantly accepted.

Isabella had faked slept so the guys would leave. She needed to talk to Jay, but she knew he had nothing good to say. Everything seemed to go perfect for only such a short time. Jay had been the one she wanted for so long. She thought she could never get over this, and maybe a small piece of her didn’t want to get over this still. She picked up the phone to call Jay, but she dropped it when she saw some one standing in the doorway of her hospital room.

“Gary what are you doing here?” Isabella asked after he picked up the phone to hand it to her.

“What, I’m not allowed to check up on my friend?” Gary asked, lounging in a chair.

“Yes, you are.” Isabella clenched the phone in her hand.

“When I came up here Joey said you were asleep, but I knew you wouldn’t be. I have the guest bedroom all ready for you,” Gary replied as Isabella’s face went from a smiley smirk to a frown.

“So, I guess this is real. Jay really doesn’t love me anymore.” Isabella began to cry.

It broke Gary’s heart to see his best friend like this, but he knew he couldn’t do anything but comfort her. Gary knew she had to learn when it was time to move on all by herself.

If only I could love her the way she deserved to be loved. It killed him to see her like this. She deserved so much more from a man who was willing to love her. She tugged at his heart strings in all the right places. How could she not see that?

“Darling, it’ll be ok. You’ll get over this in a flash, you’ll see.” Gary hugged her.

Isabella scooted over so Gary would climb in next to her. They both fell asleep with Gary holding her in his arms. His strong arms wrapped tightly around her made her feel appreciated and loved. Isabella had known him for so long, and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.

He woke up in a cold sweat and had to get up, away from Isabella.

His dream was so real, so sweet, so scary. The sun was blaring and all Gary could taste was Isabella‘s soft vanilla skin. He could feel her sticky body covering his as sweat beat off his forehead. Then all of a sudden she was taken away from him. A car was heading straight towards them when Isabella jumped in the way. At her funeral Jay was with a new girl. They were all over each other. It made Gary sick to his stomach.

Gary just couldn’t get the image out of his head. He rushed to the bathroom making himself sick. When he came back to Isabella’s room, she was awake.

“Are you all right?” Isabella asked, worried about Gary.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m going to go get some coffee down in the cafeteria. Do you need anything?” Gary stretched his body out by standing on his tippy toes and reaching for the ceiling. His hands were clammy, and his head was pounding.

“No, I don’t need anything. I think I’m just going to go back to sleep.” Isabella closed her eyes.

Gary walked down to the cafeteria and sat down in a booth after he bought his coffee. He looked down at his cup with the steam rising to the cool air of the hospital; he didn’t even want this coffee. He let it stay there untouched and black as coffee could be. Before he began to sort out his dream from his nap with Isabella Gary’s cell phone began to ring.

“Hey, how is she?” Jay asked on the other line.

“What?” Gary asked baffled.

“Don’t play games with me Gary, I know you’re up there with Belle. How is she?” Jay replied.

“I‘m not telling you. If you really wanted to know you would come down to the hospital and see her.” Jay hung up on him.

Gary put his cell phone in his pocket and leaned back in his chair. As he ran his fingers through his soft, blonde hair he closed his eyes and visualized his dream again. He couldn’t believe he thought of Isabella like that, so naughty.

Always before Gary thought of Isabella with an innocence, like a younger sister. She had always been Jay’s girl. Not this time, though; now it was different. He could possibly have a chance to make things right, and become that man she was looking for. But would he become the rebound guy?

Maybe an hour or so passed by before Gary finished his coffee and walked back up to Isabella’s room. She was still asleep, so he went down to the waiting room. Gary, purposely, hit his head against the wall as he saw Jay coming down the hallway through the corner of his eye. Just what he needed, Jay coming to smart off.

“ Hey, man, is Belle asleep?” Jay asked, knowing Gary would be with her if she wasn’t.

“Yeah, she’s asleep.” Gary saw Destiny coming out of the elevator.

“Hey, guys, how is Isabella?” Destiny asked, surprised to see Jay there.

“Asleep.” Jay replied standing around nervously.

Gary sat down in the opposite side of the room, away from Jay. Destiny slowly walked to where Gary was sitting. He had his head between his knees. She took a seat beside him and placed her cool hand on his neck.

After he looked up she asked him, “ Hey, cowboy, what’s wrong?”

“I‘m just worried about Belle, that‘s all.” Gary rubbed at his eyes with frustration.

Destiny took in Gary’s appearance before she spoke. His eyes were bolted with red veins of no sleep. There were bags under them, and it appeared he hadn‘t shaved in a while. He just wasn’t taking good care of himself, which worried Destiny.

“Look, Gary, I know you are worried about Belle, but the doctors know what they’re doing; they can take care of her. This situation with Jay and Belle will work out as soon as they talk, and they will only do that when they are ready for it. So, why don’t you go home and get some sleep? It’s almost six in the evening, and I know you have been here most of the day.” Destiny rubbed his back.

Gary stood up, took a minute or two to think about it, then he said, “Fine.”

At home, Gary went upstairs and threw off his clothes to take a long, hot, steamy shower. The water rolling off his body felt like such great relief. His thoughts raced around in his head bouncing here, there, and everywhere. Isabella was so beautiful, but she needed a friend more than anything, right? What was his dream about? Gary was so confused. He knew what he had to do, but what his heart was telling him to do was something completely different.


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Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:42 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey there! Here to review ^^

Nice chapter, it was interesting to read. But I can't help but feel how much of a jerk this Jay guy is. But the worst part about it, is that I can understand where he's coming from and what he means. The dumb thing was that he actually broke up with her while she was still 'unconscious'.
Anyway, there isn't much to nitpick or comment on. I think the things have already been said so I'm sticking to just commenting at the moment. I hope you're okay with that. I don't want to do a repetitive review, it's bad. lol.
Anyway, casting that aside. There were a few things that I noticed, including some actions that could have been glorified in a sense. See,

“So, I guess this is real. Jay really doesn’t love me anymore.” Isabella began to cry.

This action "she began to cry" is the saddest thing I have ever seen. I can totally feel her pain. Not. I suggest you dig deeper into this description. The poor girl has just lost her love and this short sentence doesn't do her justice. Tear it up more and don't be afraid to get on the cheesy side of things. Crying in front of friends or people is always awkward. For me anyway.
Isabella scooted over so Gary would climb in next to her. They both fell asleep with Gary holding her in his arms. His strong arms wrapped tightly around her made her feel appreciated and loved. Isabella had known him for so long, and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.

Wow, is it just me or was that really fast? She just broke up with someone, just lost her love so please don't tell me she's already thinking about rebound. D: Normally, wouldn't you take time after a break up before you start seeing someone else? This scene makes me think she's shallow and falls in love easily which means that her love probably doesn't mean that much. That's just the impression I get, I'm sure she's not like that but it comes across a bit like this.

Anyway, this was good chapter. You got some emotion going and the plot is heading somewhere. Good job. I'll be on to the next. ^^

-Shear




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Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:46 pm
emmily wrote a review...



Rascalover wrote: Chapter three

Just as Jay was about to settle down with a nice, cold beer he heard the old brass knocker thump the door. When he opened the door, Gary was standing in front of him with a cold, blank stare.

“Hey, man, come on in. You want a beer?” Jay asked as Gary strutted in.

“No, Jay; I would love to talk to you, though. What the hell were you thinking telling Belle that you didn’t love her anymore? She heard every word you said, and now that she’s awake, she’s crushed. Jay, she loved you, and you just dumped all of this on her while she was unconscious. How could you?” Gary’s voice rose as his face turned thirty different shades of red.

“Stop it, Gary. I didn’t do it to be vicious. I loved her, too. I had no idea she heard me, or I would have waited. I didn’t mean to hurt her. She must hate me; but, really, it was about time we stopped pretending. You have no idea what our relationship was like so don’t come into my home and criticize me!” Jay yelled back putting Gary in his place.

“Well, Jay, I’m just going to let you know that tomorrow she’s leaving the hospital. She’s going to live with me because she has to be on bed rest, and I know that you two aren’t on the greatest of terms. I’m not saying you meant to hurt her; I know you loved her, but you did hurt her. You should go up there to talk to her.” Gary had calmed down some by now.

“Gary, I don’t know if I can. Since she’s staying with you maybe you want to take her things,” Jay said as though Isabella was a used doll he was throwing away.

“Fine, Jay, I will.” Gary went upstairs to get her things and put them in his truck. #0000FF ">(You use 'her' and 'she' a lot in these first few lines and only use Bella's name once. I think it might sound better if you varied that a little more.)

Back at Gary’s house, he was putting Isabella’s things into his guest room. The pale green walls were to put her at ease. The white wooden dresser matched the white framed queen size bed. The look was comforting and peaceful. It was her favorite kind of look: peaceful and simplistic.#0000FF ">(You just used peaceful in the previous sentence. Try replacing one of these with a different word.) He hoped it didn‘t look like he was trying too hard for her to like to be there, with him.

He was unloading her things when a photo album fell out of a box. He picked it up and studied it for a moment. It had opened to a page with a picture of the two of them on it- a picture of Gary and Isabella in front of their work back in Ohio. It brought confusion back into Gary’s heart. The way he felt for her was indescribable. All though he knew he could only be her best friend in this situation, he needed to know if things could progress later in time. Gary went back up to the hospital just in time to catch Joe Don and Destiny as they were leaving.

“Hey, Gary, she’s asleep. So why don’t you come with us for lunch and let her sleep?” Joe Don offered; Gary reluctantly accepted.

Isabella had faked #FF0000 ">slept #0000FF ">('sleep' or 'being asleep')so the guys would leave. She needed to talk to Jay, but she knew he had nothing good to say. Everything seemed to go perfect for only such a short time. Jay had been the one she wanted for so long. She thought she could never get over this, and maybe a small piece of her didn’t want to get over this still. She picked up the phone to call Jay, but she dropped it when she saw #FF0000 ">some one(one word) standing in the doorway of her hospital room.

“Gary what are you doing here?” Isabella asked after he picked up the phone to hand it to her.

“What, I’m not allowed to check up on my friend?” Gary asked, lounging in a chair.

“Yes, you are.” Isabella clenched the phone in her hand.

“When I came up here Joey said you were asleep, but I knew you wouldn’t be. I have the guest bedroom all ready for you,” Gary replied as Isabella’s face went from a smiley smirk to a frown.

“So, I guess this is real. Jay really doesn’t love me anymore.” Isabella began to cry.

It broke Gary’s heart to see his best friend like this, but he knew he couldn’t do anything but comfort her. Gary knew she had to learn when it was time to move on all by herself.

If only I could love her the way she deserved to be loved. It killed him to see her like this. She deserved so much more from a man who was willing to love her. She tugged at his heart strings in all the right places. How could she not see that?

“Darling, it’ll be ok. You’ll get over this in a flash, you’ll see.” Gary hugged her.

Isabella scooted over so Gary would climb in next to her. They both fell asleep with Gary holding her in his arms. His strong arms wrapped tightly around her made her feel appreciated and loved. Isabella had known him for so long, and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.

He woke up in a cold sweat and had to get up, away from Isabella.

His dream was so real, so sweet, so scary. The sun was blaring and all Gary could taste was Isabella‘s soft vanilla skin. He could feel her sticky body covering his as sweat beat off his forehead. Then all of a sudden she was taken away from him. A car was heading straight towards them when Isabella jumped in the way. At her funeral Jay was with a new girl. They were all over each other. It made Gary sick to his stomach.

Gary just couldn’t get the image out of his head. He rushed to the bathroom making himself sick. When he came back to Isabella’s room, she was awake.

“Are you all right?” Isabella asked, worried about Gary.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m going to go get some coffee down in the cafeteria. Do you need anything?” Gary stretched his body out by standing on his tippy toes and reaching for the ceiling. His hands were clammy, and his head was pounding.

#FF0000 ">“No, I don’t need anything. #0000FF ">(This sounds really formal which isn't what I would expect from Bella unless she's feeling really awkard with the situation which doesn't seem to be the case here) I think I’m just going to go back to sleep.” Isabella closed her eyes.

Gary walked down to the cafeteria and sat down in a booth after he bought his coffee. He looked down at his cup with the steam rising to the cool air of the hospital; he didn’t even want this coffee. He let it stay there untouched and black as coffee could be. Before he began to sort out his dream from his nap with Isabella Gary’s cell phone began to ring.

“Hey, how is she?” Jay asked on the other line.

“What?” Gary asked baffled.

“Don’t play games with me Gary, I know you’re up there with Belle. How is she?” Jay replied.

“I‘m not telling you. If you really wanted to know you would come down to the hospital and see her.” Jay hung up on him.

Gary put his cell phone in his pocket and leaned back in his chair. As he ran his fingers through his soft, blonde hair he closed his eyes and visualized his dream again. He couldn’t believe he thought of Isabella like that, so naughty.

Always before Gary thought of Isabella with an innocence, like a younger sister. She had always been Jay’s girl. Not this time, though; now it was different. He could possibly have a chance to make things right, and become that man she was looking for. But would he become the rebound guy?

Maybe an hour or so passed by before Gary finished his coffee and walked back up to Isabella’s room. She was still asleep, so he went down to the waiting room. Gary, purposely, hit his head against the wall as he saw Jay coming down the hallway through the corner of his eye. Just what he needed, Jay coming to smart off.

“ Hey, man, is Belle asleep?” Jay asked, knowing Gary would be with her if she wasn’t.

“Yeah, she’s asleep.” Gary saw Destiny coming out of the elevator.

“Hey, guys, how is Isabella?” Destiny asked, surprised to see Jay there.

“Asleep.” Jay replied standing around nervously.

Gary sat down in the opposite side of the room, away from Jay. Destiny slowly walked to where Gary was sitting. He had his head between his knees. She took a seat beside him and placed her cool hand on his neck.

After he looked up she asked him, “ Hey, cowboy, what’s wrong?”

“I‘m just worried about Belle, that‘s all.” Gary rubbed at his eyes with frustration.

Destiny took in Gary’s appearance before she spoke. His eyes were bolted with red veins of no sleep. There were bags under them, and it appeared he hadn‘t shaved in a while. He just wasn’t taking good care of himself, which worried Destiny.

“Look, Gary, I know you are worried about Belle, but the doctors know what they’re doing; they can take care of her. This situation with Jay and Belle will work out as soon as they talk, and they will only do that when they are ready for it. So, why don’t you go home and get some sleep? It’s almost six in the evening, and I know you have been here most of the day.” Destiny rubbed his back.

Gary stood up, took a minute or two to think about it, then he said, “Fine.”

At home, Gary went upstairs and threw off his clothes to take a long, hot, steamy shower. The water rolling off his body felt like such great relief. His thoughts raced around in his head bouncing here, there, and everywhere. Isabella was so beautiful, but she needed a friend more than anything, right? What was his dream about? Gary was so confused. He knew what he had to do, but what his heart was telling him to do was something completely different.


#0000FF ">Not much to say about this one. The pace of this chapter felt a little slow but sometimes you need that to balance out the more high-paced chapters.




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Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:00 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote a review...



“Stop it, Gary. I didn’t do it to be vicious. I loved her, too. I had no idea she heard me, or I would have waited. I didn’t mean to hurt her. She must hate me; but, really, it was about time we stopped pretending. You have no idea what our relationship was like so don’t come into my home and criticize me!” Jay yelled back#FF0000 ">, putting Gary in his place.


Apparently the comma was hiding from you, but I put him where he belongs. :lol:

“Fine, Jay, I will.” Gary went upstairs to get her things and put them in his truck.


Back at #0040FF ">Gary’s house, #0040FF ">he was putting Isabella’s things into his guest room. The pale green walls were to put her at ease. The white wooden dresser matched the white framed queen size bed. The look was comforting and peaceful. It was her favorite kind of look: peaceful and simplistic. He hoped it didn‘t look like he was trying too hard for her to like to be there, with him.


After a little experimentation I found that changing "Gary's" to "his" and "he" to "Gary" the sentence flowed a lot smoother. But don't let me be the judge here: Back at his house, Gary was putting Isabella's things into his guest room.

He was unloading her things when a photo album fell out of a box. He picked it up and studied it for a moment. It had opened to a page with a picture of the two of them on it- a picture of Gary and Isabella in front of their work back in Ohio. It brought confusion back into Gary’s heart. The way he felt for her was indescribable. #0040FF ">All though he knew he could only be her best friend in this situation, he needed to know if things could progress later in time. Gary went back up to the hospital just in time to catch Joe Don and Destiny as they were leaving.


That should be one word as in, "although" don't worry I have the same problem on figuring out of a word is meant to be spelled separately or as one. It used to drive me crazy. But, I learned that Google is good for determining the proper spelling. Just google the word the way you would spell it and google should suggest the correct spelling in the "did you mean..." thingy. It has kept my stress levels down by keeping me form shuffling through the pages of my English text book. It'll work for everybody. :smt023

“Hey, Gary, she’s asleep. So why don’t you come with us for lunch and let her sleep?” Joe Don offered#0040FF ">; Gary reluctantly accepted.


It is highly advised that you bring down a new characters actions down a line. It makes the thing flow seamlessly. I didn't learn that until recently. I had to go through my book and bring down every subsequent characters actions from the next. It was an absolute nightmare. :lol:

Isabella scooted over so Gary would climb in next to her. #0040FF ">They both fell asleep with Gary holding her in his arms. His strong arms wrapped tightly around her made her feel appreciated and loved. Isabella had known him for so long, and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.


This line should be moved the end of the paragraph if you want to keep the following sentences. It kind of makes the rest of this paragraph irrelevant if it is kept in the current state. Plus it will make the scene sweeter, no? And on the technical side, how can they be thinking as they sleep? It sounds silly. So putting it at the end would be a very wise choice.


His dream was so real, so sweet, so #0040FF ">scary. The sun was #0040FF ">blaring and all Gary could taste was Isabella‘s soft vanilla skin. He could feel her sticky body covering his as sweat beat off his forehead. Then all of a sudden she was taken away from him. A car was heading straight towards them when Isabella jumped in the way. At her funeral Jay was with a new girl. They were all over each other. It made Gary sick to his stomach.


I don't think "scary" is appropriate here. How about "unbelievable" or even "shocking" if you want to keep the fear factor. Although, I could be wrong for suggesting, "shocking" And about "blaring" It doesn't sound very scenic does it? How about the over used, yet effective terms like, "shimmering" or "glowing" and "radiating"
:?:



Gary just couldn’t get the image out of his head. He rushed to the bathroom #0040FF ">making himself sick. When he came back to Isabella’s room, she was awake.


How is he making himself sick? Maybe "feeling" or "still feeling" :?:

Gary walked down to the cafeteria and sat down in a booth after he bought his coffee. He looked down at his cup with the steam rising to the cool air of the hospital; he didn’t even want this coffee. He let it stay there untouched and black as coffee could be. Before he began to sort out his dream from his nap with Isabella Gary’s cell phone began to ring.


Your missing a detail here. It is recommended that you add a sentence of him answering the phone. I was once told that missing descriptive sentences leave a hanging feeling. :)

“I‘m not telling you. If you really wanted to know you would come down to the hospital and see her#0040FF ">.” Jay hung up on him.


Sounds very abrupt, no? Maybe changing it top something like: Gary said before/as Gary hung up on him. (It was tricky for me to figure out what would work best, "before" or "as")



Original paragraph: Always before Gary thought of Isabella with an innocence, like a younger sister. She had always been Jay’s girl. Not this time, though; now it was different. He could possibly have a chance to make things right, and become that man she was looking for. But would he become the rebound guy?

Suggested tweak: Gary had always thought of Isabella with innocence, like she were a younger sister. She had always been Jay’s girl. Not this time, though; now it was different. He could possibly have a chance to make things right, and become that man she was looking for. But would he become the rebound guy?




Maybe an hour or so passed by before Gary finished his coffee and walked back up to Isabella’s room. She was still asleep, so he went down to the waiting room. Gary, #0040FF ">purposely, hit his head against the wall as he saw Jay coming down the hallway through the corner of his eye. Just what he needed, Jay coming to smart off.

Sorry but having "purposely" sounds a little comical. :P It will sound much better without it.

“Yeah, she’s asleep.” Gary saw Destiny coming out of the elevator.

“Asleep#0040FF ">.” Jay replied standing around nervously.

NO! That period should be a comma. Why are periods trying to be comas in your story? You should call the Grammar Police on them.
:wink:

“Look, Gary, I know you are worried about Belle, but the doctors know what they’re doing; they can take care of her. This situation with Jay and Belle will work out as soon as they talk, and they will only do that when they are ready for it. So, why don’t you go home and get some sleep? It’s almost six in the evening, and I know you have been here most of the day#0040FF ">.” Destiny rubbed his back.

#0040FF ">
," Destiny said rubbing his back.

Just to add some variation to your dialogue there. :P

Gary stood up, took a minute or two to think about it, then he said, “Fine.”

At home, Gary went upstairs and threw off his clothes to take a long, hot, steamy shower. The water rolling off his body felt like such great relief. His thoughts raced around in his head bouncing here, there, and everywhere. Isabella was so beautiful, but she needed a friend more than anything, right? What was his dream about? Gary was so confused. He knew what he had to do, but what his heart was telling him to do was something completely different.


Wow, I think the transition was very sudden. Almost like he just teleported to his house. I am almost certain that Gary isn't a super hero. If he is than I guess I will be surprised by the plot twist. :superman:

Well get to fourth chapter sometime.




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Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:42 pm
MiriamHannah wrote a review...



I'm feeling generous, how about a long review.

Just as Jay was about to settle down with a nice, cold beer he heard the old brass knocker thump the door. When he opened the door,

You've got the door twice, just replace the second one with 'it'.

“No, Jay; I would love to talk to you, though.

Is love really the right word here? I think 'have' might be more accurate

Jay said as though Isabella was a used doll he was throwing away.

It's a weird place to put a simile, connect it to Gary, so Gary is thinking Jay's using her as a doll. Plus you use names a lot in these few sentences, see how many you can take out to he and she.




and maybe a small piece of her didn’t want to get over this still.

To get over 'it' still i know it's a small point but it distracted me when reading through it.

She picked up the phone to call Jay, but she dropped it when she saw some one standing in the doorway of her hospital room
.
You know where she is, you don't need of her hospital room.

“Darling, it’ll be ok. You’ll get over this in a flash, you’ll see.” Gary hugged her.

Normally in friendships with guys aren't you a little held back, I mean it seems to me they have the gay best friend thing going on.

T
he sun was blaring and all Gary could taste was Isabella‘s soft vanilla skin. He could feel her sticky body covering his as sweat beat off his forehead. Then all of a sudden she was taken away from him. A car was heading straight towards them when Isabella jumped in the way. At her funeral Jay was with a new girl. They were all over each other. It made Gary sick to his stomach.

Put this in italics


“Are you all right?” Isabella asked, worried about Gary.

Don't speak the obvious, we all know she's worried about Gary, maybe add a little more detail to it, maybe make it out that she's more worried than she should be, more than a best friend sort of worried, if you get what I mean, just a suggestion.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m going to go get some coffee down in the cafeteria.

Remove go, it doesn't have a purpose.

Do you need anything?” Gary stretched his body out by standing on his tippy toes and reaching for the ceiling. His hands were clammy, and his head was pounding.

Tip toes might sound better.

Gary walked down to the cafeteria and sat down in a booth after he bought his coffee. He looked down at his cup with the steam rising to the cool air of the hospital;

steam rising through, instead of to possibly?

He let it stay there untouched and black as coffee could be.

should be instead of could be.

B
efore he began to sort out his dream from his nap with Isabella Gary’s cell phone began to ring.

Add a semi colon after isabella


Gary sat down in the opposite side of the room, away from Jay. Destiny slowly walked to where Gary was sitting. He had his head between his knees. She took a seat beside him and placed her cool hand on his neck.

Hands not hand

Even better than the last two chapter. However a few things to watch out for
1. Stating the obvious, don't do it, if we choose to read a book we must have a few brain cells! ;)
2. Using names too much. You can hint at who someone is without saying.
3. Using words like said too much, it's good to use a mixture between simple language and more complicated verbs, i tend to go the other way making my writing impossible to understand which is a lot worse but still add in a few 'sighs' and 'growls' just to add a little bit of emotion so you dont have to explain you sentence after writing it.

A part from that it was really good, I really like this story line and it took an unexpected twist, I always assumed it had to be based around her and Jay but it won't. I'll review some of your other chapters soon. Possibly not as long as this review, but i thought no one had been properly nit picky with your work and it is a skill of mine, ;). All of it is really suggestions and little mistakes that proof reading can fix.

Miriam




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Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:33 pm
Rascalover says...



Aw thank you so much :)




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Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:31 pm
youreit wrote a review...



The story line is wonderful! I feel myself falling into the chapter, but it seems like when Jay and Gary are talking to each other that they shouldn't be using each other's names so often. I don't know about you, but I don't say any one's name that often. Except maybe when I'm talking to my crush. So if you're going to have two of the characters say each other's names that often, it should be Gary saying Isabella's name. Anyway, I still think it's amazing and I love it! Does Isabella feel the same about Gary? Is she still in love with Jay? Is Gary gonna be the rebound guy? Does Destiny have a crush on Gary? I can't wait to find out!




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Mon May 25, 2009 10:06 pm
Rascalover says...



Thanks so much. :) I should take more time for detail and showing things. Its just that im excited and want to get it all out as soon as possible :)




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Mon May 25, 2009 4:42 pm
VehementWriter wrote a review...



Heyy, sorry this was insanely late... Craaazy final exams week and stuff. That's all over now, though, which means you'll see me around more. Yay.

(Just 'cause it's in a spoiler box doesn't make it any less important, haha)
[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
= I started new paragraph.
Jay heard the old brass knocker thump the door, just as he was about to settle down with a nice, cold beer. I’d reverse the order of these two. When he opened the door, Gary was standing in front of him with a cold, blank stare.

“Hey, man, come on in. You want a beer?” Jay asked as Gary strutted in.

“No, Jay; I would love to talk to you, though. What the hell were you thinking telling Belle that you didn’t love her anymore? She heard every word you said, and now that she’s awake, she’s crushed. Jay, she loved you, and you just dumped all of this on her while she was unconscious. How could you?” Gary’s voice rose as his face turned thirty different shades of red.

“Stop it, Gary. I didn’t do it to be vicious. I loved her, too. I had no idea she heard me, or I would have waited. I didn’t mean to hurt her. She must hate me; but, really, it was about time we stopped pretending. You have no idea what our relationship was like, so don’t come into my home and criticize me!” Jay yelled back putting Gary in his place.

“Well, Jay, I’m just going to let you know that tomorrow she’s leaving the hospital. She’s going to live with me because she has to be on bed rest, and I know that you two aren’t on the greatest of terms. I’m not saying you meant to hurt her; I know you loved her, but you did hurt her. You should go up there to talk to her.” Gary had calmed down some by now.

“Gary, I don’t know if I can. Since she’s staying with you maybe you want to take her things,” Jay said as though Isabella was a used doll he was throwing away.

“Fine, Jay, I will.” Gary went upstairs to get her things and put them in his truck.

Back at Gary’s house, he was putting Isabella’s things into his guest room. The pale green walls were to put her at ease. The white wooden dresser matched the white-framed queen size bed. The look was comforting and peaceful. He hoped Isabella would like her room. Woo, finally we see some description. Except, it’s just not flowing for me. Feels like a couple of sentences you threw in there just for the heck of it.

He was unloading her things when a photo album fell out of a box. He picked it up and studied it for a moment. It had opened to a page with a picture of the two of them on it – a picture of Gary an Isabella, with their work behind them, back in Ohio. It brought confusion back into Gary’s heart. The way he felt for her was indescribable. All though he knew he could only be her best friend in this situation, he needed to know if things could progress later in time. Gary went back up to the hospital just in time to catch Joe Don and Destiny as they were leaving.

“Hey, Gary, she’s asleep. So why don’t you come with us for lunch and let her sleep?” Joe Don offered; Gary reluctantly accepted.

Isabella had faked slept so the guys would leave. She needed to talk to Jay, but she knew he had nothing good to say. Everything seemed to go perfect for only such a short time. Jay had been the one she wanted for so long. She thought she could never get over this, and maybe a small piece of her didn’t want to get over this still. She picked up the phone to call Jay, but she dropped it when she saw some one standing in the doorway of her hospital room.

“Gary what are you doing here?” Isabella asked after he picked up the phone to hand it to her.

“What, I’m not allowed to check up on my friend?” Gary asked, lounging in a chair.

“Yes, you are.” Isabella clenched the phone in her hand.

“When I came up here Joey said you were asleep, but I knew you wouldn’t be. I have the guest bedroom all ready for you,” Gary replied as Isabella’s face went from a smiley smirk to a frown.

“So, I guess this is real. Jay really doesn’t love me anymore.” Isabella began to cry.

It broke Gary’s heart to see his best friend like this, but he knew he couldn’t do anything but comfort her. Gary knew she had to learn when it was time to move on all by herself. If only I could love her the way she deserved to be loved. I think we understand it’s a thought of Gary’s, but you should signal that… make a paragraph change, put italics, and say something about what Gary’s feeling.

“Darling, it’ll be ok. You’ll get over this in a flash, you’ll see.” Gary hugged her.

Isabella scooted over so Gary would climb in next to her. They both fell asleep with Gary holding her in his arms. His strong arms wrapped tightly around her made her feel appreciated and loved. Isabella had known him for so long, and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.

He woke up in a cold sweat and had to get up, away from Isabella.

His dream was so real, so sweet; so scary. The sun was blaring and all Gary could taste was Isabella‘s soft, vanilla skin. He could feel her sticky body covering his as sweat beat off his forehead. Then all of a sudden she was taken away from him. A car was heading straight towards them when Isabella jumped in the way. At her funeral Jay was with a new girl. They were all over each other. It made Gary sick to his stomach.

Gary just couldn’t get the image out of his head. He rushed to the bathroom making himself sick. When he came back to Isabella’s room, she was awake.

“Are you all right?” Isabella asked, worried about Gary.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m going to go get some coffee down in the cafeteria. Do you need anything?” Gary stretched his body out by standing on his tippy toes and reaching for the ceiling. His hands were clammy, and his head was pounding.

“No, I don’t need anything. I think I’m just going to go back to sleep.” Isabella closed her eyes.

Gary walked down to the cafeteria and sat down in a booth after he bought his coffee. He looked down at his cup with the steam rising to the cool air of the hospital; he didn’t even want this coffee. He let it stay there untouched and black as coffee could be. Before he began to sort out his dream from his nap with Isabella, Gary’s cell phone began to ring.

“Hey, how is she?” Jay asked on the other line.

“What?” Gary asked baffled.

“Don’t play games with me Gary, I know you’re up there with Belle. How is she?” Jay replied.

“I‘m not telling you. If you really wanted to know you would come down to the hospital and see her.” Jay hung up on him.

Gary put his cell phone in his pocket and leaned back in his chair. As he ran his fingers through his soft, blonde hair he closed his eyes and visualized his dream again. He couldn’t believe he thought of Isabella like that, so naughty.

Always before Gary thought of Isabella as an innocent angel, like a younger sister. This is kinda misworded… it’s like you’re saying before he thought of her as an innocent angel… so uhm, reword? Haha She had always been Jay’s girl. Not this time, though; now it was different. He could possibly have a chance to make things right, and become that man she was looking for. But would he become the rebound guy?

Maybe an hour or so passed by before Gary finished his coffee and walked back up to Isabella’s room. She was still asleep, so he went down to the waiting room. Gary, purposely, hit his head against the wall as he saw Jay coming down the hallway through the corner of his eye. Just what he needed, Jay coming to smart off.

“Hey, man, is Belle asleep?” Jay asked, knowing Gary would be with her if she wasn’t.

“Yeah, she’s asleep.” Gary saw Destiny coming out of the elevator.

“Hey, guys, how is Isabella?” Destiny asked, surprised to see Jay there.

“Asleep.” Jay replied standing around nervously.
Gary sat down in the opposite side of the room, away from Jay. Destiny slowly walked to where Gary was sitting. He had his head between his knees. She took a seat beside him and placed her cool hand on his neck.

After he looked up she asked him, “Hey, cowboy, what’s wrong?”

“I‘m just worried about Belle, that‘s all.” Gary rubbed at his eyes with frustration.

Destiny took in Gary’s appearance before she spoke. His eyes were bolted with red veins of no sleep. There were bags under them and it appeared he hadn‘t shaved in a while. He just wasn’t taking good care of himself, which worried Destiny.

“Look, Gary, I know you are worried about Belle, but the doctors know what they’re doing; they can take care of her. This situation with Jay and Belle will work out as soon as they talk, and they will only do that when they are ready for it. So, why don’t you go home and get some sleep? It’s almost six in the evening, and I know you have been here most of the day.” Destiny rubbed his back.

Gary stood up, [s]and[/s] took a minute or two to think about it, [color=red], [/color] then he said, “Fine.”

At home, Gary went upstairs and threw off his clothes to take a long, hot, steamy shower. The water rolling off his body felt like such great relief. His thoughts raced around in his head bouncing here, there, and everywhere. Isabella was so beautiful, but she needed a friend more than anything, right? What was his dream about, anyways? Gary was so confused. He knew what he had to do, but what his heart was telling him to do was something completely different.
[/spoiler]


So, I think you're deep enough into the story where the characters should have a little more... depth? I mean, so far all we know is Isabella is the victim, Gary's the best friend who's basically obsessed with her, and Jay's the insensible ex.

I'm also pretty sure I've said this before, but the story in general just feels like a telling of actions. Give your sentences more flow. Also, don't say 'he was confused.' Show it. Emotions are evoked through actions and expressions and voice changes, etc... so let us know those, and we'll figure out they're confused. But if you just say 'he was frustrated' or whatever, there's no impact... we don't feel their emotions and we never develop a connection with the characters and story that makes us really want to keep reading.

Again, I think you have a good idea going on here, but just keep those things in mind to make the story the best possible.




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Sun May 17, 2009 10:51 pm
Rascalover says...



Thanks so much for the reviews and Lin I don't know what I'm doing ahah. I wanted it to be about Rascal Flatts personal life but I also didn't just want it to be a fanfiction. So I guess I'm just using their names for now.




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Sun May 17, 2009 9:45 pm
Linx wrote a review...



Hey there! You request, I come. ^^

“Hey, man, come on in. You want a beer?” Jay ask as Gary strutted in.

You switched tenses here. Either changed ask to asked or strutted to strut.


“No Jay, I would love to talk to you though. What the hell were you thinking telling Belle that you didn’t love her any more? She heard every word you said, and now that she’s awake she’s crushed. Jay she loved you, and you just dumped all of this on her while she’s unconscious. How could you?” Gary screamed as his face turned thirty different shades of red.

Dude. :shock: He screamed all of this? That's kinda scary and not very realistic. How about, Gary's voice rose to a scream as he finally stopped, as his face...

Do you get what I mean? I don't think that anyone would really start screaming, darling. :wink:


..... and never once had it crossed her mind that they could be more than friends, until now.

He woke up in a cold sweat and had to get up, away from Isabella.....

There needs to be a break in there somehow. Something like this >> ***

That's because it is later on in time and it helps the reader realize that it does happen later, darling.


His dream was so real, so sweet, so scary. In this dream Gary and Isabella were on the beach making love.

I love the words that you use here, but I feel like it could use more suspense. Like, more leading up to it, so we are like, "Oh my goodness, WHAT??"
Here, we are just like, "Oh my goodness."

So, try adding more suspense, or more leading up to it. It will sound a whole lot better.


Gary hit his head against the wall as he saw Jay coming down the hallway through the corner of his eye.

Literally or accidently? If he did it on purpose, say so, darling. :wink: Otherwise, the readers are probably as confused as I am.



Characters :arrow: I love how you are showing how Gary is so confused about all of this. It's really good.
But I want to see more from Isabella's side. Describe how she is, more. Does she look sad? Does she look hurt? What does she think more about Gary? Does her cheeks turn red whenever he gets in the bed with her? Tell us, darling!


Other bits and stuffs :arrow: I love the Rascal Flatts names. *loves Rascal Flatts* But I have one question.
Are you just using the names, or are you actaully writing the story about the actual members? Just a question.


I really enjoyed reading this, darling. Good job! ^^ Feel free to PM me with any questions or comments.

*Lin




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Sun May 17, 2009 8:14 pm
peanut19 wrote a review...



Hey Rascalover, these were the few comma mistakes I found. There may be more, I'm not sure.


“No,Jay, I would love to talk to you though. What the hell were you thinking telling Belle that you didn’t love her any more? She heard every word you said, and now that she’s awake she’s crushed


Jay, she loved you, and you just dumped all of this on her while she’s unconscious. How could you?” Gary screamed as his face turned thirty different shades of red.



“Gary, I don’t know if I can. Since she’s staying with you maybe you want to take her things,” Jay said




Overall the story was good. The only thing was that you switched the P.O.Vs a few times. If you separated
the paragraphs a little more when you switch over it will be easier for others to read it. Good job!
~peanut~




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Sun May 17, 2009 7:42 pm
Randomwriter wrote a review...



hello,

What an interesting story. i really like it, but I've only read chapter three so now i have to find the other two and read them too. i love the story line so far. What I know about it in the first place. lol

I saw nothing really bad grammar wise, but then again I'm not a very good editor. Sorry :P

Well I'm going to search for the other two chapters and read them too.

Hope to see even more of your work. :D




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Sat May 16, 2009 4:15 am
Rascalover says...



*oops double posts*




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Fri May 15, 2009 11:34 pm
Ashleigh Brown wrote a review...



Hi...this is my fist time reading some of you work, and I enjoyed it. I went back and read the 1st and 2nd one, then this. I really like the idea you have, and I'm racking my brain wondering what will happen to Jay and Bella. Um...sorry for not critiquing, not my thing. LOL.. I can't read and edit....Well can't wait for you to post more.





“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell