Authors note: It is a bit short, so if you find parts where description is needed please let me know, and I do not like the title so please give any and all suggestions you have. All reviews are welcome, please be harsh.
Weeks 1-4
Fluid surrounds me. It’s very dark where I dwell, and right now I am whipping through the fallopian tube to find my new apartment in the county uterus. I use to have tons of friend here, but they seem to be all moving away.
Whoosh, finally I’m here in uterus, but this place is so foreign, empty. I’m suppose to meet my landlord today. His name’s Placenta. Maybe when we meet I won’t be so lonely any more. We could become friends. I would really like that, but I don’t know where to find him. The sky, ground, all around is pink fluffy padding, like someone blew a bubble using bubble gum and popped it when it was at it’s biggest. I start knocking on the walls, hoping to find a door. A few minutes go by until a loud voice booms over the sky.
“Who beats on my walls?” Placenta demanded.
“Uh… uh.” I clear my throat, “My name is umm… my name is…”
“Spit it out already!”
“I’m… uh… Ms. Reyna. You… umm… you said you had an apartment I could look at.” I quiver.
“Oh yes, I remember you. The quiet one Martin had mentioned. This will be your new home for the next nine months. Unless you’re evicted, but I’m sure you’re a good kid. At least you look like one.” Placenta’s voice never lowered a notch from the intimidating tone he bestowed.
Once I plant myself along one of the walls a clear window comes to full view. It slowly fills with fluid.
“Help, help! I’m going to drowned!” I scream out to whoever can hear me.
“Quit your bellyaching. Your new home is being filled with a clear liquid, think of it has your cushion, something to protect you. You can’t drowned in here. We live in a world filled with water remember?”
“Oh, yeah.” I blush and slowly get settled in.
I start to realize there’s not much to do here. I wish I knew how to contact my friends, or maybe have someone move into the neighborhood. The silence whispers in my ears, taunting me, scaring me.
“Welcome home, Ms. Reyna. Hopefully you’ll like your stay.” Placenta returns to his own home leaving me here all to myself.
I gulp.
End of chapter
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Lol, is his other friends othersperm?
Spoiler
This was an interesting spin. I think other people already pointed out any grammar errors, so I'm just going to look on!
Hi! I know you requested a review on the second chapter, but my own odd self feels weird if I don't review the first chapter as well.
Either change the comma to a period or a semi colon.
I wasn't aware Placenta came, or that he could leave. Isn't he just like a wall or something? I looked it up (I know, I'm not that great at this kinda stuff) and that's what it seemed like. I'd write this is a way that doesn't say he leaves, per se, but that's obvious he isn't there to talk to or interact with or whatever.
Other than those things, I don't really have much to say, content wise, that's bad at least. This is very unique (in a good way). I've never seen/heard anything like it, so you have originality on your side. And I like the way you describe Ms. Reyna's thoughts. Though, may I ask, is that her real name, or just something she thought of? I like the way she is so naive as to her state. It's certainly interesting.
Though, to some people, it might be almost too interesting. I already read the second chapter. Though this is just a suggestion, I'd think about rearranging the chapters. After all, if we have already met the parents and know that this isn't just about the baby, it makes it so much more meaningful. But this is your novel, so it's up to your judgment.
Sorry that this isn't very helpful. There is, really, not that much to comment on. This is good.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
I love how you're very discriptive here!
Drowned would make more since if it was drown Same here for the drowned!!.
Overall it was very interesting!! Can't wait to read more!!
XOXO
Cassie
Thank you guys so much. I'll work on the corrections and put the edited version up soon.
Hello there.
Corrections are in red, comments in bold.
This was surely and interesting story, and I'm curious to know where it's going. Also, I want to see where the romantic side of it is... But, romantic stories aren't always related to love, and as per literature, it's only a search for bliss. Anyways, I stop rambling on, and say that I liked the originality.
One more thing before I go! Yes, the chapter was short, but sometimes it's better that way. Plus, some reviewers don't like it when it's extra long.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Wow...this is definitely the most original story I have ever read. Haha. And it's really interesting.
For some reason I feel like this is something I should show my health teacher to make her laugh.
One questions though - How is this a romantic novel? Just wondering.
Keep writing!
This is a really interesting and unique story which I really enjoyed reading as you used your imagination really well when creating characters out of body parts and stories to go along with it.
A short sentence is a really effective way to start a story or chapter so well sone with that. However, shouldn't it be 'the county Uterus' as it seems as if you have made it a place so it should begin with a capital letter. Perhaps you could describe your surroundings better in this first paragraph, or maybe you could of begun it by describing her old home. It's your story so you don't have to do it but personally, I would of liked you to describe what it was like before you left.
Good use of onomatopeia (probably spelt wrong) here, however I would of phrased the first sentence like this 'Whoosh! Finally, I'm here in Uterus; this place feels so foreign. Empty.' As I have noticed that you haven't veriend your punctuation much so far. All I've seen are full stops and commas.
I like the way in which you compare the sky to the pink fluffy padding as you described it really well although you could of build on the 5 senses more. What did the walls feel like when you were knocking on them? What could you here before the booming voice? Was it silent? Try to be more detailed so you can really set the scene and keep the reader intrigued.
You described the Placenta really well as that is how I imagined the landlord to be like. I also like the words you chose the replace the common words like 'said' and 'asked' as they really helped us imagine the type of characters which the story is about.
I love the way you fitted the facts like '9 months' into the story using different kind of excuses. It was very clever. I noticed that you changed tense at this point, it shouldn't be 'a clear window comes to view', it should be 'a clear window came to view. However for the rest of the story you continue in this change so either change the beginning or change the end so it all fits in. I would also of phrased the first speech as 'Help! Help' rather than 'Help, help!',as personally, I belive that it adds to the element of danger, but again, that's your choice.
Before this bit I would have described what it was like drowning and what it was like in your new 'apartment' as you haven't described what it is like inside yet. I really liked the personification you used in the third sentence as it really set an atmosphere of the place. You also ended this chapter really well and I certainly want to read the rest of this story.
Keep typing!