Chapter 16
Gary stoked the fire once more before he sat down upon the couch. Wrapping his arm around Isabella’s shoulders, Gary placed her other hand on her growing stomach. He looked up at her, and they smiled simultaneously. He kissed her forehead, electric shocks went through him. God she’s so beautiful. How would I live without her?
The cloth from Gary’s t-shirt felt smooth and soft against her cheek, as she laid her head upon his chest. Thump, thump. His heartbeat, what a great lullaby. I could sleep to it forever. Her eyes grew heavy as she tried to blink away the sleep that was trying to take over. She sighed.
“What is it babe?” Gary asked, looking down at her hand, gingerly playing with her fingers.
“Honey, we have to talk.” She sat up, away from the coziness of being so close to him.
“About what?” Gary asked, furrowing his brows and racking his brain. I hope she doesn’t decline my proposal now. Could she have butterflies already? I just proposed a few hours ago!
“I know you love me, and I love you, but… I’m scared. A commitment so big scares me. Gary I have to be sure this is where I’m supposed to be.” Isabella stared into Gary’s big, blue, cool eyes.
“Oh Belle, I don’t know what to say... I do love you, and I can promise you this is forever, and that I’ll never hurt you. Now all you have to do is trust me.” With pleading eyes Gary tried to hold her stare, but she was unfocused, lost somewhere deep inside herself.
How can I trust you? A country star traveling around the world, girls throw themselves at you all the time. I just… I’ve been hurt so many times before. There was Adam the opportunist, then there was Justin the care-free hippie, and what about Clayton, the sex… I mean the no-job-life-sucking pervert who held my attention for three long years. She takes a big breath of air into her lungs, and slowly lets it out. But you, you have never hurt me. You’ve only loved me from the beginning. You were supposed to be my best friend… now here I am in love with you. What if I mess everything up? What if…
Her hands were shaking, and tears dared to spring from her eyes as she said, “Okay… I trust you.”
His blue eyes twinkled, as the worry lines on his face softened around his eyes. He became less tense, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding in. tightness around the corners of his mouth soften as he dove down for a sweet kiss. She pulled back just a smidge. We can’t be so happy all of a sudden can we?
After another deep breath of air, she buried her head into the snug of his shirt and let down that wall around her heart. Her tears soaked through his flesh and upon his own heart which hurt for her. Nothing was said as he smoothed her hair with his fingers and repeatedly kissed the top of her head.
***
January and February were months full of setting up baby rooms and throwing baby showers, and March started the waiting game. One morning Isabella woke up; not an inch of her was sore or tired from her restless sleep. She walked around the house straightening up the little things. Having had no sleep the night before, she couldn’t go back to sleep. She wasn’t even tired. Her heart was thumping, and she was excited, today might be the day.
Isabella walked out to the front porch and sat on the cool, breezy, wicker chair. It was a beautiful spring day outside. The golden rays, from the sun just coming up into the frosty sky, beamed over the purple, yellow, and red tulips opening around every corner, along sidewalks, and in front yards. She couldn’t stop thinking about how gorgeous it was outside when the most agonizing pain washed over her.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I must be having false labor pains. I can’t be in labor. She opened her eyes, as she took small, panting breaths. Once the first contraction passed Isabella was cautious, waiting for the next. She was aware of a small, subtle breeze passing by her as a second contraction hardened her abdomen, ten minutes after the first.
The denial she felt seemed to cement her to that old, wicker chair. Sweat started to bead along her forehead, and her fingers clenched the arms of the chair. If she gripped them any harder they would disintegrate into dust. Letting out a harsh breath between clenched teeth, she finally let go of the arms of the chair. It was time, she decided, to slowly make her way back up the stairs to inform Gary of the arrival of their children.
The door creaked loudly, and the firm carpet supported her feet as they shuffled inside. Her knees were weak, carrying around all this weight for nine months; all the energy she had felt early seemed to drain away, but she determined to get upstairs before another contraction came. With every step she had to muster up all of her energy. Leaning against the railing she took slow small steps up the stairs. Just making it to the top a stronger contraction started in her back and traveled along to the front side of her abdomen.
Isabella screamed, as she clutched the banister in attempt to help her stay standing. Gary crept out of dreamland slowly before realizing it was indeed his wife the one screaming. He swung his legs out from under the covers and ran to see what was wrong.
“Belle, what’s wrong?” Gary asked rushing towards her.
“Gary, the babies, they’re coming.” She took a deep breath. “It’s time,” she said, as another contraction rushed through her body.
“Okay, okay. Just umm… just stay calm. Lets get you in the car.” He supported her up as they slowly made their way back down the stairs. He was starting to perspire more than she was. His legs felt like jell-o, and his heart was going a mile a second.
Making small stops along the way for Isabella to take deep breaths, pain racked her body leaving her in pain and exhaustion; they eventually made it to the car. God, this hurts so bad. Please just let me make it to a hospital. She clenched her stomach with one hand and searched for his with the other, “Ow. Gary make it stop.”
“Babe, take long deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. We’ll be at the hospital soon.” Gary held her hand as she tried to do as he said.
Gary made good on his promise to get her to the hospital soon. Running through red lights and stop signs, he was sure he had broken a sum of five laws to get his wife to the hospital in time.
The hospital was a packed house. It seemed like every baby in Nashville wanted to be born on the same day. Screams and cries could be heard from every corner of the maternity ward. Upon their arrival Gary had to fill out stack upon stack of papers. A nurse took Isabella to a private room and told Gary he could fill the papers in their while waiting for their doctor to come in and check on Isabella. Once Dr. Sage finally got to their room Isabella had been in labor for three hours.
“Let’s see what we got here.” He put her legs up in the stirrups.
“Well, you are around four centimeters dilated, but...” Dr. Sage hesitated, as he put her legs back down and got out an ultrasound machine.
Isabella’s mind was rushed with pain and worry; she shut her eyes tight. Not again, please not again. Dear God please let my babies be ok. Healthy as horses, let them be delivered today. Please, please, please. She broke into sobs as Gary started rubbing her arm and squeezing her hand. She didn’t want to be touched, and drew away from him.
End of chapter
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hi!
I really like the changes you've made. It's much stronger now.
Since you asked, here is one article I found on character development:
5 Tips
And another on voice (off the site) Here.
Actually, as long as I'm at it, I may as well link you to the list of Snoink's articles that I use regularly, as you may find something helpful in there.
Here it is.
I still see a few problems with run-on sentences is there, so a good run through would probably be in order (after you finisha first draft, perhaps) but I really like what you did.
A bit more explanation as to what the problem with her pregnancy is would be nice as well, now that I think of it. (You did mention something that suggests that it's early. Perhaps you could elaborate on that a bit?)
So, sorry this isn't an actual review. Let me know if you post the next bit or edit again.
See you around!
Lupis
Hi Tiffany. Sorry for the late review.
You made this line in italics...it should be normal text.You need to replace small 't' with capital one in tightnes.
Thi is a question tag so there's always a comma here. I have put it where it should be. Some examples are more given below:
You're always like this, aren't you?
You won't forget me, will you?
This was a beautiful description, dear.
This needs to be italicised.
I liked this but it ould eb better like this, more funny:
It seemed like every baby in Nashville wanted to come out the same day.
I liked this a lot, it was much more clean of mistakes than the earlier posts. I liked how you describe the labor pain, especially. The tension you build up was great, but I would like if you don't continue the same desription in the next one also. The cncept o putting thoughts into italics seems great to me.
Others have covered up almost everything so I won't bother you. Sorry its going to be short.
PM for next.
~Shubhi
Thanks you guys
Know where I could find something on character development?
Hey there Rascal! Sorry I didn't get here right away, but I'm here to review like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink. Also, I'm not going to read the previous chapters since you didn't ask me to and since there are so many prior to this one.
That's as good a place to end a chapter as any. Anyway, I noticed at the beginning that you used a lot of these things '...' It got quite annoying after awhile. You could just say that she/he was hesitant. Another thing, is that you didn't make me feel anything that the characters were feeling. You had them saying and thinking things, but there emotions weren't conveyed to the reader. I think that's all I have to say. I don't think I can really comment on the story since I haven't read the rest, but the bit when they were watching the band on tv seemed really random. I don't know how else to describe it.
PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing,
~Danie
Hi!
Like Lava said, I don't think I'll be reading the previous chapters, so I'll just go from what's in this one.
Line-by-line first.
Boring opening. Why? There’s no conflict! I don’t really care about seeing a happy couple being, well, happy. It’s just not that interesting.
Really don’t like the abrupt switch in viewpoints here. I think it would be better if you stayed with one or the other for each section, because each time you switch it jars the reader out of the story.
Run-on sentence here. Could be, “Could she have butterflies already? I just proposed a few hours ago!” for example.
Again, this feels like a contrived source of conflict. Make her a little more unsure, perhaps?
“throughout”
Wait... there is more than one baby? If so, don’t tell us this now. Either let us know early on, or surprise us. Also, never use parenthetical remarks in dialogue. Ever. And “their” should be “they’re”
I think you should stay in the same tense here, and thus say “A nurse took Isabella to a private room.”
When you say “had done” something, it’s not as immediate. We want to feel the stress of not knowing what’s going to happen. Another note: “Lets” should be “Let’s”.
I think it might be better if you took out this bit altogether and ended on the bit right before, because a) it switches viewpoint again, b) it isn’t as suspenseful as the bit before, and c) it makes Gary seem too perfect. I mean, seriously, why isn’t he more awkward, or angry at the doctors, or something that makes him not perfect! No one likes to read about a character that has absolutely no quirks or flaws.
But, yeah. I’m getting off-topic.
Overall:
From what I can see, I like this a lot, but kind of wonder how this can be the sixteenth chapter and still have so much happen at once. In one chapter, she’s been proposed to and had a baby, which seems like way too much. At the same time, I feel that the part in the middle was unnecessary.
In a nutshell, what I’d suggest:
MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! This late in the story, we should have a good idea of their characters, and we should know who’s talking without looking at them. And, like Lava said, some more description would be nice.
Hope this helps, and good luck on finishing/editing this novel. I wish I had sixteen presentable chapters in my novel.
Let me know if you ever need another review or have questions!
Lupis
Hey Rascal!
I'm not a fan of this sentence. It just doesn't work for me.So here I am to review this. ^_^
Okay chapter 16? Well, I'm not reading the previous chapters (there are just way too many.) and I shall comment based on only this chapter. SO let me get right into the comments.
Sorry for being a little nitpicky in advance.
Well, I would like a little more description on maybe what he said, or how he looked after this line.
Honestly,here I thought 'destiny' meant the word destiny and I was figuring out the sentence, reading i twice. Now, this block is a little too dull for me. I mean, fine, she has a friend with a kid daughter and a musician hubby, but what else? You should really work on this chapter.
Where did March go? Well, I know this is me being super nitpicky, but this somehow struck me as very obvious.
Umm, okay technically, this would be very uncomfortable for someone that pregnant. (My mom's tried to sit on one, I know.) SO, maybe instead of a swing, make it, say a bench.
Well, here, instead of saying this line as such, you could show it to us differently. Maybe you can say how the rays of the sun gave a bright feel to the flowers in bloom. Well, try working around like that.
Now, this chapter could do with some work on description. There were some emotions shown, but I didn't really feel it. It would be better if you could link the emotions with general description so that it would read better. And the end was good.
Keep writing.
PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers,
~Lava
Thank you so much any time you need a review just PM me
Wow, 5 stars...really, I think I'll read all your chapters again and again so as to acquire some respectable English vocabulary and write a presentable chapter 2 for my novel lol. But really, I love the description parts and the love they show, I can feel it, really. You should be published someday. And I hope her babies' gonna be fine ^^"
Really nice.
P.s: I didn't want (or have the courage) to search for errors as I don't think there are any. Maybe next time