Let Me Love You
Chapter One
All had been quiet in Isabella’s life, maybe that was because she was in a coma.
“This isn’t right, Jay should be here.” Gary Vernon was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there?
Jay’s girlfriend, Isabella Hope, had been in a horrific car accident. A respectable citizen driving by reported her accident, and the police contacted the first person in her cell phone records; Gary. Four hours later, and here Gary was. He had finally gotten a hold of Jay, and Jay was rushing to get there.
Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a bartender three years after Gary had moved to Nashville. Isabella and Gary continued their friendship through both of their transitions. Gary had introduced her to Jay her first night there.
It certainly wasn’t love at first site for Isabella, but Jay slowly grew on her, and she agreed to let him take her out on a date. They have been dating for a year now and they couldn’t look more in love.
“Thank God,” Gary said as Jay ran towards him.
“Gary is she okay? What happened?” Jay‘s eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know what happened.
“A drunk driver blind sided her at an intersection. She’s unconscious with a mild concussion and three broken ribs,” Gary said as Jay went in Isabella’s room.
Gary couldn’t help but wonder why his cousin wasn’t a little more freaked out. Gary knew that if Isabella were his girlfriend he would be so worried and uncontrolled with fear, that he would have rushed into her room with no questions asked. Maybe Jay was just hiding most of his emotions, Gary thought as Joe Don tapped him out of his thoughts.
“Hey man, what’s going on? Will Belle be okay?” Joe Don asked as Gary and himself sat in the waiting room with Destiny, Joe don‘s wife. Only one person was allowed in Isabella’s room.
“Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch. The cops caught up with him after his engine blew out down the road. They are arresting him on two charges. The first will be drinking and driving, and the second will be for a hit and run. Belle’s health, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as it should have been; but don’t get me wrong, she’s in critical condition. She has three broken ribs and a mild concussion,” Gary explained to Joe Don as Destiny grabbed his hand.
“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.
No one had any idea what to say to Jay. He was just acting so weird. In talking Jay showed so little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their emotions but this was on the verge of ridiculous. Your true love was in a coma; get a grip. No one’s going to care if you show a little emotion.
“Jay I am so sorry. If you need anything you let us know, ya hear?” Destiny asked showing her southern accent just a bit.
“Guys, I’m fine. It’s Belle that needs to be worried about,” Jay said furthering himself into his distance.
“Okay, man. Well we should be heading home. Jay, we’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, you take care of yourself.” Joe Don followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor.
“Man how ya holdin’ up?” Gary asked Jay after Joe Don and Destiny had left.
“Gary, I can’t even explain to you the emotions I’m experiencing right now,” Jay said running his hand through his jet-black hair.
“Try me,” Gary said trying to get Jay to talk to him.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” Jay said with a deer in the head lights look on his face.
“What do you mean?” Gary asked suddenly confused.
“I was going to… I was going to break it off tonight with Belle. Things aren’t working out. But now I can’t because she’s in the hospital. I can’t break up with her while she’s like this.” Jay said as he hit the back of his head on the wall behind him.
“What? Jay, this is crazy; everything looked like it was going fine.” Gary replied amazed.
“Gary, we fight constantly at home. Out in public we have to restrain ourselves from killing each other. She’s my best friend and I love her, but we don’t like each other any more; she knows that,” Jay said, making himself sick to his stomach to have those words fly out of his mouth.
“Jay you can’t pretend to love her, either. If you know it’s tearing her apart like its ripping you to pieces you should talk to her when she wakes up. Not right after, but soon or she’s going to hurt a lot more when you do tell her.” Gary could not believe his cousin was in a troublesome relationship with Isabella.
Gary’s own thoughts took a turn away from everything. Ever since he had first met Isabella, he knew she was special, but he also knew she would never go for a guy like him. He had to stop himself from thinking such thoughts about Isabella when he knew in such a hard time he could be nothing more than a friend for her.
Snapping him out of his daydream, Jay asked, “ What am I suppose to do? Gary I just can’t hurt her while she’s clinging for dear life in a hospital room.”
Gary was silent for a second and then said, “ Well Jay you are going to hurt her no matter when or where you do it, but you’re right not to do it now. It would tear her to pieces.”
Jay leaned back in disbelief as Gary went down the hallway to Isabella’s room. Her golden hair that once had been so long had to be cut shoulder length because clumps of it has been ripped out when she was thrown from the car. Her face was nothing but bruises and scrapes. Her side was bandaged so when she did wake up she could breath with out the agonizing pain of her ribs scraping together.
Gary sat down next to her and held her hand with such gentleness. He was afraid he would break her if he held her any tighter. His best friend was lying in a coma because some unintelligent bum wanted to drink and drive. This wasn’t happening he told himself over and over again, but he still couldn’t get this image of Isabella out of his mind.
End of chapter
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Overall, this is a reasonable introduction for a longer work. The first sentence is a definite attention grabber which is always important. 'All had been quiet' makes it sound like she has been the same for a long time whereas later on you show that the accident happened very recently. Try something like 'All was quiet...' instead. Some of the dialogue sounds a little unnatural, but in an emotional situation like this people don't always talk the way they usually do, so this is okay to a point but I think you could improve the tone of the dialogue further. I'll come back and read the next few chapters when I have time.
Hey! Sorry for my lateness @___@
But, I'm here and I'm going to review this novel. Now, I might not comment on every chapter, just ones that I think you need my opinions on. And although you've already got so many great reviews for this, I'm going to review this one anyways just for the heck of it. (Mostly because it's the first chapter and first impressions are significant.)
So, with that being said, I'm not going to do a big nitpicking thing or whatever because I'll probably just be repetitive and I'm too lazy to go back and read all those 38 comments and reviews...yup.
This one thing kind of bothered me a bit. That was the repetition of the name "Gary" here. I suggest you use, "he/him" too so it doesn't sound like we're reading the same thing over and over again. Plus, it helps create an easy to read flow. Saying Gary did this and then Gary did that while Gary yawned isn't fun to read. haha
One comment, I seriously like your dialogue! It's totally easy to read and sounds so real. Haha, I don't know but that's what I felt xD
Anyway, this was a good chapter ^^ You did a wonderful job catching attention from the beginning, coma thing is like D:
Off to the next,
~Shear
Hey, Book here
But overall, i really loved it!
Keep on writing!
Just wanted to say, that i really like this story! but there were some missing comas and such, which the other users have clearly explained. Most of all, i really like the way the characters are built in this story. But i can't say much about isabella.....yet
Hope to see more of your work!
p.s I'm a sucker for this type of story
~Book Person~
Thanks
I really liked this it kept my attention the WHOLE time I read it and I enjoyed it...althought I think Jay would still be upset about Belle even though he is going to break it off with her. I know if my ex was in a crash I would still be worried even though we aren't friends and don't talk anymore but thats just me..
--Jenn
thank you I am currently working on chapter 20 the final chapter. Hope itll be up soon
I actually read the whole thing..which is great! It kept me interested, wanting to know what happens. With a tragic car accident and someone who's uninterested in their year long relationship, why wouldn't I remain entertained. I only have a few comments. Try to be a little more descriptive. It sometimes feels like yes, it's describing the surroundings and feelings, but there's not enough there. If you just try a smudge more with the description, it will definitely be head-on. PM me if whenever you write more, I'll be sure to read it.
Thank you so much
Hi, I'm here to review your word as I told. So here I go...
Well! Seems a good start though you should mention something about hospital ward before continuing to dialogs.
Secondly,
You should change line before continuing to this one.
It is pretty easy for a writer to write story in first person, though you have done very well with third person review. As I've read further of this story I have to say that you are improving with your writing style in every chapter. But to continue writing like this you should also know the difference between different writing styles which I don't think you've figured out till yet.
When writing as first person the writer tries to conveys his thoughts and mind through the the character, while in third person style you do not include character vise view too much because then it is confusing if the writer is describing the character or his point of view. If you want to know more about this writing style I would recommend you to read "The Winner Stands alone by Paulo Coleho", he writes his novels in Portuguese though you can get the translated version. I myself read it and found it helpful to improve this kind of writing style.
This seems okay but it is not pretty much attractive. You mention Isabella as Jay's girlfriend, you shouldn't address a character like this when you particularly don't want to continue such relationship in further story.
If I rewrite this sentence I would prefer to go like this, "Isabella Hope, Jay's known girlfriend, after being in a horrific car accident was brought to Hospital[Use hospital name if you like to do so] was still under comma. Police contacted the first person of her call records, and it was Garry XXXX[Use full name of Gary here] who was there before four hours."
Now let me tell you about some factual errors in this, you later on describe Gary as a frequent visitor to the hospital, and the time pause you show between his visit every time seems quite short, however here Gary reaches the hospital which takes about 4hrs which is long enough. Gary must live close to the hospital so I think rather than changing it later you should reduce the time he reaches the hospital in this sentence.
Revised: "Gary, who had worked with Bella[you never defined her nick name which I think you should do here] in Ohio before hi moved to Nashville to become a singer with his sousion and friend, Joe don Rooney continued his friendship with Bella. Isabella moved to Nashville to be a Bartender{capital B} three years after Gary [don't mention that Gary moved once again]. Gary introduced her to Jay first night she met him in Nashville."
Don't you think it seems much better.
"Is she okay?"[he doesn't need to address Gary as he is the only one he is supposed to ask] Jay's eyes grew wide, and his hands trembled as he stood there wanting to know if she was okay."
Somebody on YWS told me a rule, change line when:
Time Changes
Dialog Finishes
Incident or Topic Changes.
Which you're following well, but still seems to be broken at some points.
Well! This review is going much longer than I expected so I will better finish it up here. But I strongly recommend you to revise all of your chapters when you are finished with the story. There are two ways in which it will help you:
-You're improving a lot chapter by chapter, so I think you will be able to improve it a lot by the time you reach the end of the story.
-It will give you long pause before you restart proofreading on this work which will help you notice errors which you might have missed last time.
I hope if I was of any help. Let me know if you need any other help from me, I will review other chapters later. But your plot seems nice to me, so continue writing.
-Chetan
Wow *.* I love it
I really like this. It is well written and interesting to read. Just one suggestion though. Try to make the news that Jay was going to break up with her a little smoother. It felt rushed to me.
But anyways great job! I enjoyed it immensely.
Hey there Tiffany. You have been too kind and helpful to me in past few days and I would love tor return back the favor. I would review here first and then the ch-15. I didn't read others' reviews so something might get repeated.
I read the first half of the sentence and I was like it's normal but then I read the next part and it gave me a shock. This line was very perfect-you've used commom words but transformed them into a beauty.Here we jet-speed to the reviews:
This sentence is a bit of blur.
Did you mean he moved here to live with his cousin and become a singer?
Then the sentence should be like: Gary had worked with Isabella back in Ohio before he moved to Nashville with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney to become a singer with his cousin and friend, Joe Don Rooney.
Okay this sentence uses 'moved' twice so just try to add another verb here. Like: Three years later, Isabella too moved to Nashville, but to become a bartender.
It can just can be me but I didn't get hang of it. Can you PM me to explain this?
Shouldn't it be 'had' here until you're gonna write it in present continuous form which I don't think is the case. Just revise this sentence!
. Here you've used 'what happened'twice. We already know that he wants to know what happened so after the dialogue you can use some other word.
Like: Gary is she okay?What happened?" Jay's eyes grew wide and his hands trembled, as he stood there impatient to know the answer.(That was just a hint!)
So this was a big clump of dialogue(just like mine are). Try to slow down a bit and show how Gary is speaking all this. What does his face look like, what actions he do all this while. On the other hand, you can describe Joe's and his wife's emotions or expressions while he tell them this horrifying news!
The red word doesn't seem to be matching with the sentence construction. Try look out for some other word.
This was the best line till now!
Okay this was a bit fast to mu liking. Show that Joe shakes hand with Gary or Jay or keeps his hand on one of them's shoulder. Spice up it a bit!
So this was a nice and interesting piece, I must say Tiffany. First of all, I liked the title of this very very much. It's so intriguing and magical-there's just something about it(I won;t shut up appreciating it
As someone said(I just read that review), you are telling a lot and showing a bit less. there were lots of he said, she said and so on. Somewhere there was a big dialogue where you could've added simple actions to glorify it a bit. Just make sure that you don;t bore the reader with over description of actions.
Then lots of times there was a particular word which had been repeated twice or thrice in a sentence or two neighboring ones. So that doesn't look neat. A writer's talent lies in using multiple words but at right place.
Here was one example:You used here 'moved' three times continuously.
Then you were switching here ad there with the tenses also quite frequently whcih should checked by you only before reading it.
Like: You wrote here 'has' while you had to put 'had'. Just be careful next time!
Also describe more here-the bed where she lies, the room, Bella's face, the ambience and you need to work more on the characters.
Now to the good parts. Its an awesome story and you have written it perfectly. There were soem great moments here, and some great lines which I didn't forget to pick out, just for you.
Your grammar is solid except for those tenses things which must have been overlooked. And I can say that you're the only first person from the ones whom I have reviewed has no comma problem.
This was bear to perfect. And thanks for asking me to review it. It had been my pleasure!
Have a nice time writing this and entertaining all of us! it was amazing!
~Shubhi
I liked this story. But you could work on developing your characters a bit more, with Jay especially it showed how he was distant but you need to be more description for example: Jay's eyes were far away and vacant. He should be worried about Belle, but he only seems scared; frightened and guilty. Like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Belle needs him. Sorry if that was a bad suggestion but there is a slight chance it may help. Keep up the great writing! Love you sig!
-SnickerDooly
heya,
I don't know but maybe he hints at cheating or something, there has to be a reason he was late...*waggles eyebrows*
I really did like this though 
I'm here to review!
Characters
Isabelle- I'm sorry but thanks to her name I don't like her. Nothing personal, it's just that I have this snob in my class named Isabelle plus with the whole Twilight crap ugh I can't stand the name Isabelle. I can't really say much about her due to the fact that she's in a coma.
Gary- He's the typical best friend nice guy. VERY cliche, give him a different aspect, maybe he's been in jail? He's an alcoholic? Something that makes him diferent from all the other nice guy best friends in the world.
Jay- Wow! That was refreshing! I love love love his character. I love the twist on how he was going to break up with her, can't say I've heard that one before!
Joe- I didn't get much from him. He wasn't there for a long time so I can't really say anything but maybe he left the hospital a bit early, he should have stayed a little bit longer.
Destiny- I know less about her than about Joe so I have nothing to say other than she seems like the southern belle (pun not intended)
Plot-
I'm sorry to say that this seems cliche to me. I've heard it many timess and I think I know what's going to happen, Belle will wake up, try to stay with Jay, start an affair or somehow manage to get with Gary, some sort of problem happens..maybe she gets pregnant or something, then happily ever after. I've heard this before. You've written it VERY well and your VERY VERY talented, way more than I'll ever be but it's simply just different names. Ok that was mean...sorry I did like it and I will read more of it. It's like one of those stories that even though you can guess what will happen, your probably COMPLETLY WRONG and end up loving it.
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity
Thanks
Key to review:
"I will hammer down those pesky errors!"
Blue: Things of interest, that need to be looked at or omitted. Of course the decision is up to you.
Red: Means I moved it around, or added it.
Bold: My comments/suggestions. I will do my best to not sound like I mean anything ill. If I fail please know that I am not used to conversation since I engage if virtually none of it. It is not nice where I live.
Also I will use smilies to keep things entertaining:
By taking out, "maybe that was" this beginning sentence will sound more realistic and powerful. And changing "because" to something like "for" or whatever word you choose it will make Isabella's situation that much graver.
This is the very first piece of dialogue. I would suggest you change the period before the quotation marks into a comma and follow by changing, "Gary Vernon was" to "Gary Vernon said," (Yes, the comma was added too)
That sounds kind of odd. Perhaps omitting just the word, "so" would be a tremendous help, but "uncontrolled" also seems out of place. Maybe you could substitute for something like, "consumed" "overtaken" or anything you come up with.
I capitalized Joe's last name for you. You forgot to do so.
I highly recommend you omit the second "will be" it sounds repetitive. Try reading it allowed and see what I mean.
Suggest you change to "very"
Suggest changing "needs" to "you need" Look: "Guys, I'm fine. It's Belle that you need to be worried about," Jay said furthering himself into the distance. The ending part really confused me, it is quite difficult to understand, I suggest you tweak it, not sure what I would suggest. I'm not too good at examples.
Sounds too sudden, no?
I believe comas would call this place home. Agree?
“What do you mean?” Gary asked, suddenly confused.
A coma would be nice there, wouldn't it?
OK, you have a lot of these errors where a period should be a comma. If you follow quotation marks with the words "he said" or whatever you never ever use a period. Use a comma instead, or exclamation, or if it is a question use a question mark, but never a period.
Here too.
Change "making himself" to "feeling" and "to have" to "for having" highly recommended. Try reading it both ways.
Yes, I put the ending at the beginning of the paragraph instead. And I could be wrong, but I think this would sound better if you omitted "if"
If you add something somewhere along the lines of what I suggested you can have a really heartwarming moment here. And omit "just"?
I could be wrong about adding the second comma, but I know the first one works. It makes this part seem more tense, like the guy put careful though into what he was saying, even though it may not be as thoughtful as he believes.
Those first words need to be rearranged to "had once been" and that second thing could make the sentence flow better if it read, "were" or "had been" I think... go with what you believe
Omit such, and you really should put the things I have in blue as italics, they are a characters thoughts after all. Added a comma too.
Final words on this:
Good beginning to a story, but you switch from one characters thoughts to another. I do the same in my book, but as you know I separate them with, "**************"
But, even if you did the same you =change very suddenly and then go back to the original protagonists thoughts in the next paragraph. You do more of this in the following chapters as well. That I believe is among the biggest flaws you have here.
But, you do have an excellent imagination, and that is a writers ultimate gift. Without it they cannot be a writer, for copy and pasting others works is plagiarism. Imagination allows you to create your own works. They start out as little ideas in your mind but they grown into immense paragraphs. Remember a flower starts out as only a seed, but it will bloom.
-It's really late, so I will have to post my review for chapter two of your story tomorrow.
-Adrian
This is a really, really interesting story. Im not even going to attempt one of those fancy reviews, just PM me when the next peice is out :p
Thanks for your review
Hi! I liked it but it seemed a little short and you didn't put a lot of description. Also when you explained some things I got a little confused like near the beginning. I think it's mostly because of the grammar so you just have to watch where the commas should go and stuff. But other than that I enjoyed it and can't wait to read more. I'm glad that you have more chapters up too. Keep it up!
Thank you
I like it, the story so far is running smoothly, there wasn't anything majorly wrong that stood out at me. The characters seem interesting and I definitely want to read more. Awesome job.
I especially want to know what happens about the relationship.
She was only in the coma for a couple of days.
and Im sorry if I got you confused
Thank you
I liked this story, it was quite simplistic in its lauguage but captivating as well. The only thing I would say that it would be nice to have some description in there, I don't know what the characters look like or how old they are. You could do alot with Isabella's coma, describing her lucid state...excetra excetra.
I'd like to see where this goes, whether there is anymore background story to Jay and Belle.
If you coud PM me when you get your next chapter up that would be great.
I think everyone's pretty much got all of the mistakes. The only problem I could find is that I got really confused after the first line (didn't take me long, lol) but just you need to go less smoothly through from what must have been years in a coma to how she got the coma in the first place.
Despite that, absolutely loved it, will be reading the other chapters!!!
thank you very much
im glad you enjoyed it 
Wow. This chapter is very well written. I can't really see where you're going with it, but it has me hooked. I can't wait to read the next chapter. It makes me wonder who Isabella is, what she was doing driving at that time, where Jay was that Gary couldn't reach him right away, and why Gary was the first person in her cell phone records, not Jay. I definitely didn't see that Jay was going to break up with Isabella. That part makes me wonder why Isabella didn't break up with him before, if they fight so much. Maybe she wanted to stay close to Jay so she wouldn't lose he friendship with Gary. But that's just me speculating. Keep up the great work and keep people guessing. That's what makes an amazing writer.
Thanks so much for the review. I dont take it as a bad critque. I definately think the characters are too detatched I just dont know how to fix it umph.. ahah I'll get it sooner or later
thank you
Rascal: You've got a great start here, but I'm seeing some things you could definitely work on.
1. Characters. I'm not really feeling connected to your characters. They feel kind of distant and detached - like they're not real people, more just two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs. The emotions that they portray seem like they're just being PUT there by you, not that they're really feeling these things. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I really want to see you let your characters come alive. Let them live and breathe and feel and think. Which will really help with my second point.
2. Showing versus telling. There's a lot of "he said, she said, they went, he wants" - which is a style of writing called "telling." Try to get more into the action. Describe smells, thoughts, sights, sounds. Get INTO the scene instead of just talking about them.
Please don't take this as negative criticism - I think you've got a really good start here. Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestions
Hi... sorry it took so long for my rebew... I forgot to check the WRFF forums... Well, I'm here now, so Here goes!
Your first sentence if good. I like it how you put some humour into it, because it gets your attention fast... I would, however, suggest that you change the first part around, as it doesn't run well. [By run I mean flow]
You could perhaps change it to:
Not much was happening to Isabella; perhaps that was because she was in a coma.
I see you are changing the story as people review... that's good. I just want to point out that when you say Would his cousin, Jay DeMarcus, every get there? You mean even get there.
I'm pretty sure that if someone was ina car accident, the police would call the person with ICE [In Case of Emergency] written next to their name. That's what I was told, anyway. Besides, Gary wouldn't b the first person, unless he had a last name begining with A.
I also think that you should get rid of that whole paragraph. One of the best ways to show is dialogue, and you are really telling us what has happened here.
Perhaps:
Gary looked down at her unconscious body. She had multiple wounds on her face that were just starting to clot, and her left arm was twisted in an unfortunate position. Maybe she would live, but the doctors hadnt been able to tell him because he wasn't her legal gaurdian.
Well a drunk driver blind sided Belle and knocked her out of her car and into a ditch.
You have 'blind-sided' twice int he last few paragraphs. Just thought you should know.
Same with: three broken ribs and a mild concussion
“Hey, the doctor just came in to check on Belle; he said that they don‘t know when she is going to wake up, and they don‘t know if she will be completely herself again,” Jay said, walking into the waiting room.
This is all hapening o fast. I don't think that within the first few minutes of her boyfriend arriving they would have her in a stable position, or that they would be hopefull that she would wake up. You say at first that she is in a coma... I don't think that they would have her hopefully waking up within a few hours of being brought into hospital.
In the next part, when you say emotion three times, you should change the last one to 'No one is going to care if you shed a few tears.'
It just got on my nerves that you used 'emotion' three times, and 'little emotion' twice.
Well, I don't know what to say! If you continue this [which I think you should, even though I'm not a romance person]then perhaps you should consider amnesia... then Gary can't live himself down because he is just letting her go, and Isabella starts to remember who she is, and that they are BF/GF
Just a suggestion... by the way.
Thanks for the feedback:)
This is really quite good. The idea is really interesting, and I would definitely love to read more. You've done well with characterization thus far, so just keep that going.
You could do with a little more description, though... like of surroundings and such.
Just keep this in mind along with the comments found inside the actual text, and you'll be good...
»Sam.
Thank you for such an awesome review!
and with a critque like yours itll surely help me do that 
i will work on it some more.
See the thing is i have already written this piece of work which has about 15 chapters parts. I was just wanting to make it better
Hey there!
I am Incognito, and I believe I am going to take a gander at your story. Sorry if I repeat anything others may have said, but I don't tend to read others reviews because I get lazy. ;P
But otherwise, let us begin!
I. Nit-Picking
**I believe this should be 'quiet'. I am sorry if I am wrong.
Move the comma to after right, and everything will be in tip-top shape.
Technically, this sentence does not make much sense. You cannot stand while pacing at the same time, and you cannot pace for something to happen. I would recommend rephrasing with this sentence. I am horrible at examples, but here it goes;
'Gary Vernon was pacing in the hallway, waiting for his cousin Jay DeMarus to finally arrive at Riverside hospital.'
No comma needed here. xD
I am not quite sure, but I believe that the colon should actually be a semi-colon.
There is a lot of telling here. Why not try to show it later on in the story, or add in bits of information here or there.
'At' is such a brisk word. Why not try 'towards'. ;D
'For information on Isabella' is not needed. it would be obvious that Jay would be worried about his girlfriend and would want a fair idea of what happened. Information on Isabella isn't the only reason for him being there, only the main one. xD
**okay should be it, not 'ok'. That is a pet peeve of mine.
Technically, his hands don't want to know. It was him. I would rephrase that, maybe saying that he is particular was trembling, wishing to know the details.
**'have' instead of 'of'.
**'was' instead of 'is'.
A comma is needed after 'Maybe Jay is just hiding most of his emotions'.
**comma is needed after man.
**okay
**allowed
**sided
I would add an 'e' in 'Bell' because it maintains the nickname properly. Don't want to confuse the readers, now don't you?
Comma is needed after 'hey'.
Just to let you know, a mild concussion doesn't do that on people. And a coma is more serious than a mild concussion. Moreover, a coma is a upgraded concussion.
**supposed
Comma after Jay. ;D
**accent
**okay
Comma is needed after 'Jay'.
This happens in the further dialogue too. The quotations are supposed to hug the words not leave any space. The space in between is not needed. That was probably a simple mistake that you don't have to worry much about.
Comma after 'Gary'. xD
You don't need to say 'head' twice. I would rephrase it to make it flow better.
This sentence is all kind of mushed together not making much sense. Might I suggest breaking it apart with a comma or starting a new sentence?
I would switch the words 'love' and 'like' with each other. It would make more sense.
This confused me a bit. This is Gary thinking, but when I think in my head, I don't say my name often. Did you mean Jay? If not, I would like to tell you to change that to he.
I would add a 'and' inbetween 'second' and 'then'. It helps it flow better.
**you are or you're
I would rephrase this to 'but you are right not to do it now'.
Have you ever broken your ribs? For certainly, those bandages do not help. xD
It kills certainly.
'Out of his mind' would sound better. xD
II. Grammar and Punctuation
Your grammar and punctuation is fairly good. You had some minor errors with spelling mistakes that some other people didn't pick up, but other then that you did fairly good. For punctuation, I would like to remind you about the quotations and the spaces before the words. That was an occuring problem and is not wanted.
Also, I stopped correcting it because I thought it would be better if I explain here.
You did a lot of;
"Gary I want you to do... etc."
What I would like to remind you is that when you do that, you need a comma after the name. It also happens in other parts sometimes in mid sentence. After a name there is usually a pause unless it is explaining something.
And easy way to fix your spelling errors and comma usage, read your work out loud to yourself. You will catch errors that you may not have seen before. Spell check doesn't always work to your advantage because it doesn't chose the right words at points. And for punctuation, where ever you think there should be a pause, check if it is an appropriate place to put a comma. Commas are a writers best friend at points. Don't be afraid to use them. xD
III. Character Development
I do like your characters, but they don't seem out of the ordinary for me. They seem kind of average. Might I recommend giving them an odd quirk? Maybe varying their personalities a little. One might be funny, another melodramatic. You have the freedom in the matter, but try to make them awesome and entertaining. Make it something different.
I would also like you to add more description on their actions. The reasons why that is, is because when readers read about characters, they subconconciously make connections to them and most of the connections are connected to the character's character traits. When describing actions, it helps give an idea of some of the character traits because everyone moves differently. Add nervous habits, anything of the sort.
What would be awesome also, was if you could add more physcial description of the characters without info dumping. You have to be careful about it. You aren't as bad as other people. I basically know what colour hair Jay and Isabella have. Other than that, I have no idea. try to make the imagination not so hard to use and give the readers a break. xD
IV. Writing Format
Your writing is certainly well done. I really do like it. It is not over done yet it is not under done also. I have some tips for you though.
Get into more detail about the setting. The setting is a great part of a story. A lot of authors leave it to the readers, but I believe describing the setting is a great deal charismatic. When I write I believe that I am trying to get what I see in my head projected to the reader with as much detail as posssible so that we imagine nearly the same thing. A lot of times that does not happen. And when you incorporate the setting, you can dwell on the descriptions of the characters, their wordrobe, hair, eyes, anything you so desire.
Another tip I would like to say is that your dialogue seemed stiff at points. Might I recommend listening to how people talk more often or watching TV. The rhythum of voice should come naturally and not so stiff.
One more thing I would have to say is that your writing style is very informative, making it very easy to tell and not show. Why not dwell in the characters misery, bring out the passion and emotion in the piece. Convey the emotions to the reader. I find listening to matching music helps me do this myself. Try to not tell as much as show. You would be surprised at how well your writing could become.
V. Overall
This piece was very easy to connect to and I like the idea. I certainly wasn't expecting Jay to want to break up with her. I thought this was just some sappy story about how his girlfriend got caught in a car crash, oh woe is him. But I can easily imagine the quilt and mixed emoitons Jay must be going through.
And if I am mistaken, do I see Gary having feelings for Isabella also? That would also add tremendously to the plot making it a fantastic read. I think this romance could more over go over to Gary and Isabella in the limelight, for certainly it seems like it is doing that now.
I would just like to say again, that you should display the emotions more, maybe give a train of thought here or there, and that would make this piece brilliant.
Great story, and it does have awesome potential. PM me if you post an addition to this story.
~Incognito
Thanks
I like your avy too!
It looks really great
I was going to tell you that most probably Gary and Belle will get together but then I read your comment of above. I can't wait for the next part, this looks like it has a lot of potential.
PM me when the next part comes out please
It hinting at a love affair between Gary and isabella at the end. so maybe
I LOVE this.
Characters: Well, can't say much about Isabella. Duh.
jay: Seems very well-rounded. But for some reason, he needs short, blonde hair and a goatee. Don't ask me why. he just needs it. He won't be complete without a Goatee!
gary: Again, seems well-rounded. Good job!
Plot:
Good, but needs a tad bit of work. Just a tad. Maybe Gary is secretly in love with Isabella?
Thank you so much! I'm glad I've changed your mind maybe ahah.
Wow. I really liked this story. So well written!
But, not quite perfect.....yet. 
You need a comma after right. This isn't right, Jay should be here."
A pedestrian wouldn't be driving a car. A pedestrian is a person who isn't in a vehicle.
God needs to be capitalized.
You need a comma after man.
I don't think you need to put flawless in there. But if you do, add some commas.
It's tearing.
It would tear her to pieces.
Well, I have to say, this was very good. I can't wait to hear more. PM me when you write more or if you need any help! I think you might've changed my view on romantic fic!! I love this!!
Lucy