** Please note that this is a very first rough draft, and may be horrible**
Prologue
All was well on a cool autumn day; until Dr. Martinez unearthed that she was pregnant. She chucked the keys on the hallway table, and staggered into the living room. Throwing herself on the couch she picked up the phone. Should she call him? What would he declare? Would he refute it all and loathe her?
***
Sitting on his bunk of his band’s tour bus he thought about her. He couldn’t get her slender body, and elongated dark curls out of his mind. She had enthralled him that night. What on earth was her name? Could he even dredge up her name? Mary… No… it didn’t start with a M. Or did it? He yanked a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket; it was Maria.
***
She trembled as teardrops fell upon the phone. Throwing it against the lavender wall the phone landed into two big pieces. How could she get herself into this? Maria believed in no one night stands. She was better known as the prude, not the slut, but it was some thing about him. He just enchanted her so. She could remember everything about him. From his mid-length dirty blonde hair, to his muscular torso. A person like him, you know the sexy spinster type, didn’t want to hear, that one of the frequent girls he slept with, had gotten pregnant.
***
Maria, Maria how charming she was. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. Her softly spoken spanish had turned him on. He could of whispered ‘Te amo’ in her ear all night long.
“Come on Joe Don it’s time for rehearsal.” His band mate, Jay DeMarcus, left the bus.
Joe Don lobed his phone, along with her number, on his bed. So much for wanting to call her.
***
Her hands quavered as she fixed the phone. Pacing around the room for a while now, she decided to call him.
“Hello this is Joe Don Rooney. I’m so sorry I can’t get to the phone. Leave a message with your name and number, and I’ll get back you as soon as I can.”
Magnificent Maria thought, the answering machine.
“Hey it’s Maria, you probably don’t remember me much, but I need to talk to you. It’s vital that you talk to me.”
Maria laid on the couch. This was just brilliant. She had her whole life ahead of her, just waiting for her to get there with a wonderful career, and because of a damaged condom she was pregnant too. Her options were clear, and straightforward. Maria could bestow the baby up for adoption; or raise the child herself. Abortion was out of the question. To kill a child who had nothing to do with it’s creation was thoughtless, and selfish.
***
Fatigued after a six hour show, Joe Don threw his body on his bed resembling a rag doll; landing on his phone.
“Oops.” He mumbled, as he glanced at it.
It was too late to take note to the two messages on his phone. He vowed to look at them in the morning.
***
Maria laid restless in her bed that night. Everything was just a lurid dream. When she woke up she wouldn’t be pregnant, and her life would be back to customary. She wished, but as soon as she did sleep real nightmares hit her like a tennis match. Babies were screaming and crying. Bottles were spilt, and diapers were overflowing. Maria took a long look in the mirror, and it wasn’t pretty. Stuff was stuck in her hair, like a giant afro. Her clothes were torn, and she had a howling baby clinging to her hip. Maria sat straight up in bed sweating like a beast.
***
Joe Don took it easy in bed, listening to his messages. One from Maria, wow. Doesn’t she understand it was a one night stand. He did like her, maybe they could do it again, but he wasn’t vocation her now. He might seem engrossed. Joe Don bounded down from his bunk, and joined his band mates in the facade room of his bus.
***
Getting prepared for work was a hassle when you had to vomit every three minutes. She wiped her mouth, and finished brushing her teeth. She spat in the sink, and seized an orange juice from the refrigerator. At her office she was making phone calls to patients who had upcoming appointments, and surgeries to remind them. There was a slight knock on her door.
“Open,” She yelled towards the door.
The novel nurse peeked around the corner, and scurried her way to the desk.
“Sorry Ms. Ummm … Ms. Martinez, but one of your patients needs to see you.” Lori seemed a bit anxious.
“Oh that’s fine. What room is she in? I’ll be there in just a few.” Maria looked at Lori with welcoming eyes.
“Ummm … Ummm 209.” Lori slowly, and hesitantly walked out of the room.
***
“Today we only have radio interviews to do. So you know what that means, long boring hours on the bus.” Jay provided Joe Don with a per-made coffee.
“ Who’s he taking to?” Joe Don nodded to Gary LeVox, their lead singer.
“Oh just his wife. Didn’t he tell you? Their expecting a baby.” Gary beamed their way.
“Cool, cool.” Joe Don gave him a thumbs up sign.
Wouldn’t that be horrifying? Facing so much commitment and responsibility made him want to purge. Joe Don envisaged himself as a parent who was always yelling, then never there.
***
“ Ok Mrs. Lunes you’re very dehydrated, and your blood pressure is extremely low. I’ll get an IV started right away, but with all that fluid I’m going to give you I’ll have to watch your blood pressure very close.” Maria checked all her notes to make sure she had covered everything.
“Si, si senora.” Mrs. Lunes smiled and sealed her eyes.
As Maria ambled out of her patients room her cell phone began to ring.
***
“Hey Maria it’s me Joe don. You called earlier.” He had no idea was he was so curious about her. Just her voice started a fire within him.
“ Well I wanted to talk in person.” Maria had stopped in her office.
“ I’m well into another state by now. Maria what is it?” Joe Don inquired.
“Oh Joe Don it’s… It’s too important.”
“TELL ME!”
“ I’M PREGNANT!”
***
Joe Don immediately hung up the phone. Just another money famished groupie. He went back inside the forlorn building, and into the interview room.
“What did Maria say?” Jay mocked.
“Pregnant. Liar.” Joe Don sat down and the interview began.
***
She held the phone in front of her, astounded. He just hung up on her. Fine he doesn’t want to know; he doesn’t have to know. Maria had unquestionable decided to keep the baby. It was her mistake, and she was going to take responsibility of it. Maria was intelligent enough to raise a child on her own; she thought.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Let Me Love YouPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Yes I did write this pretty carelessly, my bad
Thanks for the reviews Ill havew more up soon hopefully
Hey, Rascalover! Finally I'm here
Okay. The most of your mistakes had something to do with punctuation. You know, there are a few places where you usually use a comma:
1) When you're addressing someone:
"Come on, Maria!" or "Good morning, Maria."
So what you shouldn't do is to type "Come on Maria" or "Good morning Maria".
2) When there's an exclamation before the proper speech:
"Oh, I didn't know that." or "Hey, what's up?"
3) When you combine two sentences:
As Maria walked back to the office, she decided it was time to tell him.
If you don't use a comma here, the sentence gets hard to understand.
4) When you're listing things:
She had bought a red top, a pair of jeans, some flowers, and new football socks.
So what I suggest you do is to pay extra attention to punctuation. It's not that hard, really – sometimes you can even hear when there's a comma in someone's speech. (People usually have a little break in talking when there's a comma.) A hint: read out loud what you're about to write.
People have pointed out most of the nitpicks, but I'll still do a few.
You're missing an L in the word talking.
It's "they're". Their is a possessive pronoun, as in "Their cat is black."
Hmm, do you mean "unquestionably"? Even if you do, it's still not the best word for the case. Try to think up a new one.
You keep changing viewpoints pretty rapidly, which makes the atmosphere of the story a little panting. I think the different POVs (point of views) are cool, but you could possibly keep them going for a bit longer. Now they're only a few sentences long, and then the view changes already. You could calm it down by expanding the POVs, and making the number of the changes smaller. That way, the reader also gets better grip of the characters.
You've got an interesting start here, I like how the action takes places in the beginning, and overall, I think you had a pretty good tempo here. Just focus on the punctuation, spelling (it seemed you had written all this pretty quickly and carelessly), and I think you'll be just fine.
Thanks for the read!
Demeter
xxx
Actually it's kind of a flashback because when chapter one starts it's later in their lives sooo.... is it still good that way? I dont know I have never written a prologue before. But any who thanks for the review!
Here is the review you asked for.
Characters:
We the readers can get most of Maria's emotion, but I would like to see more of Jon Doe's side and emotions. I think that also you mention alot of peopl, but only minorly. Like you use the character and throe them away like old rag dolls, but then again, there isn't quite enough here to tell. I suggest that you mention the band more. I mean they are bound to be close, right? Thats about it in the charcters section.
Grammar/Punctuation:
Okay, so I saw quite a few grammar mistakes that were careless. They could eb fixed up, edited you know. Also I saw a few confusing sentances by the way theey were worded. I made me reread it a few times to actually understand what was being said. Such as the part about the one night stand, andd how Maria didn't like those. But other than that, nothing major.
Storyline:
I like the story line here, Although I think you could build it up some. I suggest that you don't use this as a starting scene though, its fine if it was maybe another chapter, but when I read it, it felt like I was jumping in the middle of something. Like I said though, if you built it up some its perfectly fine.
Overall:
I had a good impression when I read it. I really admire the foreshadowing in the post. I know that when I write its spontaneously, so I never plan ahead to foreshadow.
~Alyss
Awesome, once again thanks and I will let ya know bout that
Just letting you know that I added more to my review if you want to check it out. Wisemann did a good job of explaining.
Nice review Jon It's awesome. And yes i will correct thos thing. i thought I would reather put this in the romantic fiction section instead because besides using their names I don't really talk about Rascal Flatts all that much, and the fact that i added Gary LeVox havin a baby is going to help later on in the story.
Hey Tiff, It's Jon.
You make it seem as though she is drunk. I'm guessing that she is shocked at this point, maybe have her walk in with that emotion. Use words like, Glided, Blank, Comfused...
If she found out she was pregnant and she was a doctor, why would she throw herself anywhere? wouldn't she sit down carefully and stare blankly at the wall and then decide to call someone? You make it seem as though she is a teenager who is about to gossip on the phone. Not tell someone she is pregnant.
This sentence needs re-worded: He couldn't get her slender body, her loose curls of dark hair, out of his mind.
I get that she is upset, but breaking a phone? That last line needs re-worded. Use words like, Shatter, Snapped, Ruptered...
You already tell us this, get rid of it.
Haha, this line made me laugh, (In a good way.)
Rascal Flatts Names? I remember a while ago criting a piece about rascal flatts from you! You must love them! Interesting thing I noticed : Joe Don. If you take the last two letters from the name and switch them, you get Jon Doe.
She fixed a phone that was shattered? Interesting...
Italisize.
This line didn't make sense to me, I don't get what it is trying to say.
Too? Someone else was pregnant? Just get rid of 'Too'
Describe some more. Was a red light blinking? You tend to rush through things. Expand and explain, I like detail.
Lucid?
Italisize. It's a thought.
This is an example of how fast you go. One moment she is at her house/appartment and the next she is a work taking phone calls.
I like your wording and how you call her a 'Novel Nurse'.
um um um um um, get my point? I get that you want the burse to come acrossed as nervous and not knowing what she's doing but lessen up on the um's.
If you want the spanish to be grammatically correct put accents on the (i's) of 'si'
If you don't you're saying if, if miss. (Knows spanish) I don't know how to put the accents on though!
She's been waiting to tell him, Maybe she'd go at a more direct route and calmy say she was pregnant. Not try and beat around the bush. I also doubt that he would get angry in like two seconds like that and yell at her. NO CAPS! When someone is yelling and you use caps it just sounds and looks dumb. An exclamation point would do nicely.
This was an okay start. You need to focus on explaining things some more, make us see what they see. This is a fan-fic, no? Anyway, if you have any questions I'd be glad to answer them!
---Jon---
Sorry if I came acrossed as harsh, I just picked out the things I saw wrong because then you could make it better! I hope you do! when ad if you do I will glady come back and see it.
This story was ok at first i was kind of confused, you have a little gramatical errors but not that many, just work on the flow, the flowing is kind of strange and if i wouldn't have read it more than two times i wouldn't understand but overall ok
Thanks so much for your guy's wonderful reviews!
And Winter wow, that helps alot. See i used a theasuras(sp) and thats where most of the wrong words came from ahah.
*Edited Jan. 24 4:23pm* Hello Rascalover! I am Winter's Twelfth Night (or just Winter) and I shall review your story for you today! Overall I thought this story was quite interesting. However you have many mistakes in grammar and punctuation that were really distracting.
There is no need for a semi-colon here. Also, I don't think that unearthed in the right word. Try "...until Dr. Matinez discovered that she was pregnant."
Get rid of the comma.
This sounds awkward and interrupts the flow of the story. Try "She threw herself onto the couch and picked up her phone."
Again, the words declare and refute do not sound right in these sentences. Declare is not the right word because it is too specific. When something is declared it is almost always said in a solemn and emphatic manner. Refute means to prove somebody wrong. I think your character may be wondering whether or not Joe Don will believe her. If so, then you need to reword your sentences.Try "What would he say? Would he deny it all and loathe her for saying it?"
This sounds awkward. Try "Sitting on his bunk in the band's tour bus..." or "Sitting on a bunk in his band's tour bus..."
Take out the comma
First of all, this sounds rather repetitive since you ended the previous sentence with "her name". Once again, dredge is not the right word. Dredge is usually associated with digging and rivers and mud. Even when used in the figurative sense it is usually associated with unpleasant or embarrassing facts. Try "Could he even remember it?"
Replace into with in. You may also consider taking out the word big because it would help the flow of the sentence.
Try "Maria did not believe in one night stands."
Something is one word
Take out the comma
First of all, take out the commas after "hear" and "with". Second, a spinster is an old unmarried woman, so that definitely needs to be fixed. Third, replace frequent with many. Frequent is the wrong word.
Lobbed is spelled with two Bs.
Hands cannot quaver. Only a voice can. Perhaps you meant quiver?
This sounds awkward. Try "After pacing around the room for a while, she finally decided to call him."
Thoughts should be in italics. "Magnificent, Maria thought, the answering machine."
This is repetitive. Try just simply saying "It's vital."
Lay instead of laid
This is almost a run-on sentence. Try taking out "...just wating for her to get there with a wonderful career." Take out the commas after after her and after career. And take out "too".
Take out the comma.
Bestow is the wrong word. The word bestow is associated with gifts. Just say "...put the baby up for adoption..."
Also, take out the semi-colon.
Take out the comma
This also sounds awkward to the reader. Try "Joe Don was fatigued after a six hour show. He resembled a rag doll as he threw himself onto the bed and landed on his phone."
Replace the period after "oops" with a comma and He should be lowercase.
The first sentence is not worded correctly. Try "It was too late to listen the the overwhelming amount of messages on his phone." Or something like that. I liked your second sentence.
Replace laid with lay. The word lurid actually works here! The third and fourth sentences were a bit confusing at first, because I wasn't sure if she was serious. Try "She forced herself to think that this whole mess was just a lurid dream. When she woke up she wouldn't be pregnant and everything would be back to normal." Again, customary has a completely different meaning than the context of your story suggests. Use normal instead.
Awkward sentence. Nightmares hit her like a tennis match? Is it painful to be hit by a tennis match?
Try "As soon as she fell asleep real dreams hit her like a blow to the head. The relentless nightmares would not let her forget her troubles."
Take out the comma
Reword this. Try "Her hair was a frizzy mess covered in crumbs and various sticky substances."
Take out the comma. Wonderful imagery!
I am assuming that this is something that Joe Don is thinking. If so, it should be in italics. Either way the period should be replaced with a question mark.
Punctuation. Should be "He did like her; maybe they could do it again." Vocation means that a person's job is suitable. You need to hide your thesaurus.
Maybe obsessed instead of engrossed? You should probably find a word similar to obsessed but less extreme. Try "He might seem too involved."
Take out the comma
First sentence: replace had with have. Second sentence: Take out the comma. Third sentence: Take out the comma. Fourth sentence: this needs rewording. Try "At her office she made phone calls to remind patients of their upcoming appointments and surgeries."
This is just a suggestion, but wouldn't "come in" make a little more sense here?
Again, your thesaurus has deceived you. New will work just fine here. But maybe you wanted to mention that she's a novice? That would have to be a separate sentence. Also, take out the comma.
Take out the comma
I'm not sure if you should replace the comma with a colon or a semicolon. You'll have to ask a punctuation specialist. But just put a colon in for now, I think.
Pre-made.
You may need to burn your thesaurus. Unless it's on your computer.
Take out the comma.
Replace close with closely.
Closed or shut will work just fine here. Sealed doesn't work in this context unless her eyes are being glued shut or something.
Patients should be patient's because it is possessive.
First sentence: Don should be capitalized. Second sentence is perfect. Third sentence: the first "was" should be "why". Third sentence: Take out "just" it will help the flow.
You should try to avoid all caps. An exclamation point will do. If you really want to emphasize, you could add "he screamed" or something after the dialogue.
Thoughts should be in italics
First sentence: Use "undoubtedly" instead of unquestionable. Second sentence: take out the comma and "of" should be "for". Third sentence: Take out "she thought" it will help the flow.
Wow. This is the longest review I have ever done. I really liked your story! The plot was interesting but you could have done a bit more to show us the characters' personalities. More dialogue would help with characterization.
The most frequent mistakes that you made were adding unnecessary commas and overusing your thesaurus! For help with commas you should go to the knowledge base area under resources and find the grammar forum. It is very helpful!
For the thesaurus problem, you should just not bother with it at all. Most of the time the words that you think of first are the ones that will sound the most natural. Using uncommon words may seem like it will make your piece sound more sophisticated, but it usually results in confusion for the reader. However, sometimes it is good to use a thesaurus so that you don't get repetitive. When you find new words from your thesaurus you should ALWAYS look them up in the dictionary to make sure that they fit the context of your story. I can't stress this enough. Never use a thesaurus without a dictionary!
By the way, thank you so much for the points! I really appreciate them. If you have any questions about your story or my review or anything else, please feel free to PM me! I hope this review was helpful. Let me know when you edit this so I can give you a gold star! Thanks.
-Winter
I really like this piece.
Now I'm not going to go into all of the grammar things (because I didn't think I saw any and I'm really bad at it myself) so I'm just going to tell you how I thought it sounded and what I might suggest for later chapters.
I thought that the whole tone of your story sounded very good and I think it flowed well. I would suggest making the POV parts a bit longer, making there more room for more interlinking plots and problems, but that's just me.
I definitely saw some foreshadowing when Jon was talking about being a parent and with Maria's dream.
I think you have a good start and I would recommend building it up, having more conflicts with Jon and his band. Just a thought.
Hope to see more, this is very promising.