Chapter two
The next day Gary had to go back to the studio, while Jay was at the hospital with Isabella, alone. He took her hand and sighed. Jay’s feelings for Isabella had once been so strong, but now it seemed like it all was leaking away.
“Belle, I need you to know that I do love you, but I also want what is best for the both of us. I don’t want to hurt you anymore; I really don’t. Please forgive me,” Jay said, getting up to leave.
He had no idea that Isabella had heard every word he had said. She had woken up during the middle of it, and now she couldn’t stop the tears falling down her face like Niagara Falls. Even though she woke up confused and in pain, she kept her eyes shut to let whoever was talking finish. Once she was positive he was gone, she wiped at her eyes giving herself a headache.
Back in the hallway, Jay had bumped into Gary, who was coming to visit Isabella.
“Hey, Gary, do you think Belle can hear you when you’re talking to her in there?” Jay asked suddenly nervous.
“Yes, why?” Gary, inquired wondering what Jay had done.
“Oh, no reason,” Jay replied as the elevator doors closed off their conversation.
Gary went into Isabella’s room, only to find her sleeping. He sat down where Jay had been and just stared at her. She looked like an angel to him. How dare Jay even think of breaking her fragile heart? Even though he knew he couldn’t make Jay stay with some one he didn’t love. Gary had all these mixed emotions running through him. He felt like Isabella was the most important person in his life, and here Jay was breaking her heart. Jay had probably told her what he was feeling, and now he was afraid Isabella heard him, he held Isabella’s hand.
“Belle, I know Jay probably came in here and said some things he doesn’t mean, but it’s not his fault; he’s just a little wired and disconnected right now. He shouldn’t have said what he did because he knows the both of you aren’t ready to hear such things,” Gary started to say when he felt her squeeze his hand.
Gary jumped up in amazement and said, “ Oh my gosh, Belle, you’re awake!”
Isabella just nodded as tears brimmed her eyes once again.
“Belle, what’s wrong?” Gary asked as he sat back down, fearing the worst.
“Gary, Jay did mean what he said. It’s best if we stayed apart, but it still hurts to hear him say the things he did,” Isabella said as Gary pulled her into a hug being very careful of her ribs.
She felt safe and warm in his big strong arms. All she wanted to do was melt into him. Their hug, to Isabella, lasted only a few seconds before the doctor came in to check up on her. Since she was awake the doctor asked Gary to leave the room while he checked her over.
When the doctor came back into the hallway, he told Gary, “Well Ms. Hope gave us quite a scare, but everything seems to be getting along fine. Her ribs should be healed by next week. On some medication and complete bed rest, she should be able to go home tomorrow evening.”
“Ok, thank you.” Gary rushed back into Isabella’s room.
“Well, it seems like I’m not broken,” Isabella said smiling.
“Would you like to know what happened?” Gary asked her.
“Yes, I think I should know,” Isabella said, trying to smart off. Gary just rolled his eyes.
“Well, a drunk drive blind sided you, and you were knocked from the car. You had a mild concussion and were out of it for two days. Now you have three broken ribs and it’s probably why your side hurts. They had to cut your hair to make it even, but everything else seems to be fine,” Gary said, and the expression on her face turned to horrified.
“ Gary, can you get me a mirror?” she asked as she reached to grab her hair.
“Yes, darling.” Gary said going to the bathroom to grab the hand mirror for her.
Belle snatched the mirror from Gary’s hands and looked sadly at her shoulder length hair.
“It’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” Gary told her, trying to make her feel better but it wasn’t working.
Isabella just kept grabbing at her hair like if with each swift motion her hair would magically come back. She tried to hide the fact that she was crying, but she couldn’t. Gary just held her until Isabella felt like she couldn’t cry any more.
“I must seem stupid to cry over my hair, but I don’t like my hair short. It took me so long to grow it out that much,” Isabella said, pulling away from Gary and wiping away her tears.
“No, it’s not stupid, if I woke up one morning and I was bald I would die on the inside just the tiniest bit,” Gary said smiling, as this made her laugh, “Now, Belle the doctor said you could come home tomorrow if you accepted to be on full bed rest and heavy medication. I know you and Jay aren’t on such great terms so why don’t you stay with me?” Gary asked.
“ Sometimes, Gary, you are too nice, but I couldn’t do that to you. I think Jay and I can put our differences aside until I get a place of my own,” Isabella replied, looking deep into Gary’s sincere blue eyes.
“No, I insist,” Gary demanded.
“Gary, you don’t need me sitting at your house taking up your time, really I’ll be fine,” Isabella said sternly.
“ You’re great company and a wonderful friend. You won’t be taking up my time. We’ll just be enjoying it together,” Gary said, smiling at how stubborn Isabella was getting.
“Fine, but no more than I need to.” Isabella shook her head at the same stubbornness she saw in Gary.
“Lets call Joe Don and Destiny to tell them you’re awake. Destiny was really worried about you.” Gary took out his cell phone.
“Oh, yes,” Isabella said, as Gary dialed their number.
Once Joe Don and Destiny reached Isabella’s room, she had fallen back to sleep from all the medication she was on.
“How is she?” Destiny asked, anxious to see how her friend was.
“Well, everything looks fine. The doctor said her ribs should heal in about one
week. In the meantime, she goes home tomorrow. She’ll be staying with me because she has to be on bed rest, and Jay and Belle are having some problems,” Gary explained to Destiny in the hallway.
“What do you mean they are having problems? She just woke up from a coma of two days,” Destiny pondered.
“Well, Jay apparently was talking to Isabella when he thought she was asleep and told her that things weren’t working out for the both of them, mostly himself. So they have broken up, I guess. I don’t know what he said exactly, but I do know that it hit her hard,” Gary said, and Destiny shook her head in disbelief.
“Well, I’m going to go on inside; why don’t you go home and get some rest. I bet you’ve been here all day. You’re so sweet,” Destiny said, kissing Gary’s cheek as she went into Isabella’s hospital room.
Leaving the hospital, Gary took off in his car towards his house, but he decided he had someone to visit. He clenched his fist on the steering wheel and pounded on the gas petal. His mind was racing with angry thoughts and words, but he knew if he said what he was really feeling Isabella would know, and that would hurt her so much.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Let Me Love You(3)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Not that I'm an expert or anything, but according to what I've read, people don't wake up this suddenly from a coma. There are usually signs of that they are beginning to react to outside stimuli well before they actually open their eyes and start talking.
The time frame seems a little rushed. Usually when someone goes into a coma it's because they are hurt badly enough that their body needs extra energy to work towards healing itself and so cannot support waking activity at the same time. Whatever the reason she's in a coma, it's rather unlikely that she has healed up enough to go home so quickly. Also, Gary tells Bella that the doctor is going to let her go home the next day even though he hasn't even told the doctor that she's awake yet. The doctor would never give a discharge date while the patient was still in a coma. He would also probably insist on keeping her a little longer after she woke up so that they could moniter her for signs that she's fully out of the coma. Sometime people in comas can wake up briefly but then relapse and the staff wouldn't want to risk that happening at home.
I also find it a little odd that Gary is such good friends with Bella that he is willing to risk upsetting or alienating Jay by welcoming Bella into his home so soon after the other two broke up. If he's friends with Jay, I can't see him agreeing to have Bella over without at least checking with Jay to ensure that Jay doesn't think he's been interested in Bella for a long time and is taking advantage of her injuries to get close to her. Even though Jay doesn't want to be with Bella anymore, I would think that he still cherishes the time they had together and wouldn't want to find out that one of his friends has secretly had a crush on her while the two of them were dating.
Thanks
Hiya! Sorry I'm getting to these so late. >.<
Anyway, without further ado...
I'm not going to do a through nitpicky review because well, many people have already established that bit already and anyways, I'm actually trying not to nitpick everything that I find. It's annoying, haha. Hope you don't mind.
There were two things I noticed in this chapter. The first would your over usage of their names and the very 'she did this, he did that'. My suggestion for you would be to try using more 'he/she's' in here. It's easier to read and it can help the flow of your piece as well as adding some variation with the sentences. See, right now you're doing a lot more telling than you really are showing so maybe you could expand a little bit more on their emotions so we can feel some of the pain that they're feeling. But on the brighter side of things, you did have those little 'aww' moments and yet were able to make me hate Jay. I mean, why would he say such things to her, even if she couldn't hear him. That to me, is kind of cruel and it makes me dislike the guy. Overall, nice chapter. T'was a little short but you got your point across and it was eventful.
See you in the next chapter. ^^
~Shear
Hi Tiffany. Here to review:
I just thought that 'was leaking' would have been appropriate had the talk been going on the 'emotion' but you yourself mentioned 'the emotions' so it should be were leaking away.Also, I loved the leaking away phrase though, Tiffany.
The simile is simple but effective.
This was a bit hard to understand, but it just can be me. First you said that she started crying on hearing the words Jay said and then you wrote 'whoever' in this sentence as if she didn't know who was speaking. It was utterly confusing!
I liked it!
Here all this while you didn't mention she opened her eyes, this should have been told, I believe.
This was a nice line!
I didn't find much mistakes here. there were many in comparison in the first chapter. i am still liking it.
My only nit-pick is that you just don't describe things more. But I think you've learned that and started with that in chapter-14. So good luck!
~Shubhi
Please forgive me if I sound harsh in this review. I am not feeling too well at the moment for various reasons. Lack of sleep is not one of them, even though I did sleep terribly during the night.
I thought I'd use this paragraph as an example as an issue that I have with this story so far. I see that you are going for a third person omniscient point of view here. Hm, I feel like I already told you that in my previous review? It takes you out of Gary's head every time you switch view points so abruptly.
Wait, how long was Jay at the hospital? In the first paragraph you said that Gary had to leave to go to a studio while Jay was still at the hospital. And after just a few words Jay leaves and happens to bump into Gary. Is the studio close to the hospital? Maybe you could have a little detail where Gary tells Jay that he will being going to the studio to do something simple that wouldn't take too much time. Thus, giving Gary a reason to bump into Jay as he is leaving the hospital.
Same key as before: Blue=something I find noteworthy and possibly changed or omitted.
Red= something I moved around or added. In this case omit the first comma and add one after "inquired"
Good.
"Some one" should be one word, "someone"
I backspaced "Oh" for you. Originally you had it like: " Oh my gosh, Belle, you're awake!"
She felt safe and warm in his big strong arms. All she wanted to do was melt into him. Their hug, to Isabella, lasted only a few seconds before the doctor came in to check up on her. Since she was awake the doctor asked Gary to leave the room while he checked her over.
Sounds redundant, no? And I notice that you repeat in further chapters. It sounds very cliched and makes Belle sound like a... one of those girls that goes for chiseled guys guys and what not. It's up to you as what you decide to do with this aspect of your story.
When the doctor came back into the hallway, he told Gary, “Well Ms. Hope gave us quite a scare, but everything seems to be getting along fine. Her ribs should be healed by next week. On some medication and complete bed rest, she should be able to go home tomorrow evening.”
I'd google that to see if that is medically correct.
Sounds very sudden. Shouldn't he sound more thankful.
“Yes, I think I should know,” Isabella said, trying to smart off. Gary just rolled his eyes.
You would do well without that.
May I suggest, "changed to one of horror" or "became one of horror" personally I think the former sounds better. Agree?
“Gary, can you get me a mirror?” she asked as she reached to grab her hair.
Backspaced.
“Yes, darling.” Gary said going to the bathroom to grab the hand mirror for her.
Change the period into a comma. And about "darling" He's only a friend of Belles right? He should respectfully refer to her by name.
“It’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” Gary told her, trying to make her feel better, but it wasn’t working.
The sentence sounds oddly worded, but it can slide. Though, you should try reading it aloud and seeing if you can find any ways to improve it.
Isabella just kept grabbing at her hair like if with each swift motion her hair would magically come back. She tried to hide the fact that she was crying, but she couldn’t. Gary just held her until Isabella felt like she couldn’t cry any more.
Omit "she"
This could use some added flare. At the moment it doesn't sound very dramatic.
You could tweak this to make Gary seem more sympathetic.
Backspaced.
Makes him sound desperate maybe he just "said" not "demanded"
“You’re great company and a wonderful friend. You won’t be taking up my time. We’ll just be enjoying it together,” Gary said, smiling at how stubborn Isabella was getting.
Backspaced.
Now it's from Belles point of view? Maybe you could omit that part?
"Gary said, taking out his cell phone."
“How is she?” Destiny asked, anxious to see how her friend was.
Now we are reading from Destiny's thoughts? maybe change the blue to just, "anxiously"
Doesn't ponder mean to think? Maybe just use "said" I know it sounds simple, but it is usually the most effective word to use. And, frankly you don't use very much of this character said this, and that one said that. I covered this in my review of chapter one.
Closing comments: I have also read further chapters will copy what I wrote on paper onto those reviews. Your writing is for the most part easy to understand. But, as mentioned before minor flaws keep it from reaching its full potential. And on a different note. Have you bee reading from my story like you said you would?
Thank you. And im so sorry the first line is still bothering you
OK, the first line of chapter one is still bothering me, you suggested that she was in a coma for a long time, two days? Anyway, possibly you have a way that you are planning to sort that out. So I will say this, interesting character names, it would be nice if you expanded a little more on the other characters, so far they're pretty much just names on a page.
It is looking really good, an intriguing story line. I will happily stay hooked to it!
Thank you for your advice
Still looks good. Gary is quite an interesting character. He reminds me of a friend of mine, actually. He has a big heart, but a bit of a temper. He's really sweet. Sorry, off topic. Anyway, Gary reminds me of my friend when he turns around and speeds off, presumably to flip out at Jay. Not that I know what happens next. Just guessing. Anyway just a few tips. First, the transitions between scenes could have been smoother. Also, Joe Don and Destiny's characters aren't very memorable, so maybe you could alter them a tad. It's coming along great, though. I'm off to read the next chapter. Keep writing! You're doing great!
Thanks so much for the great reviews
I do realize im not putting as much emotion and detail in it as I should and I am working on it. hopefully the next chapter will be better in that aspect
Well, I like the plotline, but the way you tell things, I'm not loving that... You need more descrtiption, more emotion, more flow of words and variety of language. Don't just say "he said"... try other words, describe exactly how they say things. Anything particular in their tone of voice? Maybe expressions?
But don't just say "he was mad"... describe his flaring nostrils or his narrowed eyebrows. His clenched fists or whatever else you think signals anger. Let us discover he's angry, don't let us know. Don't say he made an angry or sad expression... describe it, and we'll know what emotion it conveys.
Don't just make the entire thing a telling of actions and events.
Also, a few rules you ought to remember:
"John, I was here first."
"I was here first, John."
"But, John, I was here first."
All that said, the final paragraph was a good cliffhanger, and actually left me wanting to read more. So do lemme know when another chpater's out. ^_^
Well, this part is pretty good too.
It's really coming along. But there are some things that need to be sorted out.
You need a comma after gone. Once she was postitive he was gone, she wiped at her eyes...
A comma after Gary would be good.
A comma after Gary again.
Once again, another comma. This one's after Oh.
Oh, no reason,
It's stared dear. Mere mistake. (I do that a lot.
It's good to put the thoughts someone's thinking in italics so we know what's going on and it's less confusing.
A comma after Belle.
You put a comma in, but not in the right place. It should be after down. Gary asked as he sat down, fearing for the worst.
It would be nice to have a comma after bed rest.
Sometimes is one word.
I would suggest combining these two sentences. Or put Gary on the first sentence.
ex: Sometimes, you are too nice Gary, but I couldn't do that to you.
Or Sometimes you are too nice Gary. I couldn't do that to you though.
See? But put it how you seem fit.
It's you're. You are great compant. You're.
Commas after Joe, Don, and Destiny!!
Well, that's my review! I'm really liking this story. Although it seems you're having troubles with commas. If you need any help on those, I'd be glad to help.
Lucy