Points are rewarded to every reviewer***
Chapter 14
The first snow of winter had fallen, and it devoured everything in it’s wake. Isabella was laying down in bed taking her hand and washing it over her swelling abdomen.
She had gotten up to get ready for her doctor’s appointment when she felt the baby kick for the first time. It had been three months since she told Gary that she was expecting their first child.
***
“Belle, are you ready to go?” Gary asked as he walked back into the bedroom.
“Hey, come here, I want you to feel this,” Isabella said, motioning for Gary to walk over to her side of the bed.
She placed Gary’s hand on her abdomen so he could feel the baby kick wildly.
“Doesn’t that hurt?” Gary asked helping her sit up.
“No, not really. It just feels… weird.” Isabella adjusted her top back down over her swelling stomach.
***
At the doctor’s office Isabella laid down on the icy table as the doctor rubbed the cool jell on her lower abdomen. She shuddered as he took a microphone type instrument and rubbed her stomach to get a good picture of the baby.
“See here, that’s the baby’s head, and these are your baby’s arms…” Dr. Underwood was pointing out the place of the baby when he stepped out of the room and asked a nurse to come in.
Isabella looked over at Gary, who had a cold blank stare on his face. Sweat started to gather along her hair line, and she could feel her hands shaking beside of her; what was happening?
“Gary, why did he leave the room?” She asked, trying to sit up on her elbows.
“I… I don’t know honey, but relax. I’m sure everything is just fine.” Gary took her hand as she laid back upon the table.
The nurse pranced into the room, bubbly as ever, only to confirm what the doctor has previously thought. Leaving the room the blonde nurse shouted a good luck. Doctor Underwood smiled and turned his gaze back over to us.
“Is everything ok?” Isabella asked, leaning up on her elbows.
Her face was flushed, and she couldn’t help but tug on her hair. What’s wrong with my baby? I knew I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell Gary. It’s all my fault; my baby’s sick, and it’s all my fault. Isabella’s heart was thumping outside of her chest; her palms were clammy, and tears were brimming at the bottom of her eyelids.
“Well, Ms. Hope, you are having twins.” Dr. Underwood said printing out the sonogram and putting it along with the other paper work he planed to give Isabella and Gary.
“What?” She asked, getting light headed, as every thing the doctor said went in one ear and out the other.
“We’re having twins.” Gary said, more to the air then to any one else.
“Would you like to know their gender?” Dr. Underwood asked, as the new parents took a dose of what they were just informed of.
“Um, yes, I would.” Isabella tried to clear the fogginess out of her head so she could think clearly. She was having twins.
“Baby A is a boy, and baby B is a girl.” Dr. Underwood said gave them their paper work.
I’m going to have twins. I’ll be a father to both a boy and a girl at the same time. What if I mess up? Gary took Isabella’s hand as they walked out of the building. With his mind racing he almost ran into a pillar, absent minded.
Walking out to the car both, Isabella and Gary, were silent. He’s mad; I can tell. God, please don’t let him run out on me now. I need him; he’s all I have. I not for me, do it for the baby, wait I meant babies didn’t I? Oh, God, what am I going to do? Isabella closes her eyes as Gary unlocks the car and they get in.
“Gary, how do you feel? You were kind of quite in there.” She took his right hand and held it.
“Belle, we are going to be responsible for not a baby, but two babies. This is going to be hard, and I won’t lie to you; I‘m scared.” Gary squeezed her hand, but felt nothing but his own fears stirring inside of him.
***
As Isabella walked through the front door she glided across the plush carpet, and got herself a milkshake from the refrigerator. She sat at the kitchen table and trembled with tears. He’s not fooling anyone. I can’t believe I actually thought this would work out. It couldn’t get any worse, and it doesn’t how many times I say it won’t get worse it really never will. He makes me so mad sometimes; I wish he could just tell me how he really feels so we could both move on. This isn’t a fairytale, and I just need to face reality. I just need to get on with my life. Twins and unmarried, what is my family going to think? They’ll hate me even more, but I have no other place to go.
Gary saw her crying at the table, and he desperately wanted to go over and tell her everything was going to be ok. Everything isn’t going to be ok, but I can’t tell her that. She looks so fragile, so angelic. I love her, but twins? I wasn’t ready to commit, and I’m still not. I thought I could make it work with a baby, but two? I know that’s just adding one more human being to the equation, but it’s also adding tons more responsibility. I was going to be responsible for two people’s lives, and how they would turn out to be. What if I mess up, and they don’t turn out as they should? She’s a lot stronger than I am, but we’re both breaking under the pressure. He walked over to her and sat next to her. Gary gentle placed his hand on her back, and he began to rub it with soft circular motions with his hand. He loved her so much. Her cries broke his heart.
“Gary, I’m scared,” she said, through cascading tears.
Gary kissed the top of her head; he could smell the sweet scent of lilac shampoo on her hair. Soon it will be Christmas and then a new year. The baby, I guess babies are due in March. Everything is happening all so fast.
***
A couple of days before Christmas Isabella was getting antsy. This was her first Christmas with Gary, and she wanted it to be perfect. Gary was also getting nervous. He wanted her to have an amazing Christmas because he knew this year hadn’t been the best for her. Early morning Christmas eve Gary dragged Isabella out of bed and on to the couch where the fireplace was roaring. She rubbed the sleep dust from her eyes, and pulled the loose ends of hair from her face.
“Belle, I wrote you this song, and I’ve been waiting to play it for you. I know you didn‘t want to get pregnant I know this isn‘t where you saw yourself, but you‘ll see this will be the best mistake we ever made.” Gary started to play his song.
Isabella became tearful throughout the song, happy to know this was the best mistake they had ever made. As Gary put down the guitar Isabella landed the perfect kiss on his lips. No words needed to be said; She loved Gary, and Gary loved her. Life was going to throw them swerves, but he knew they could make it together. Together only, Gary knew she had shot him down the first time, but he knew he, at least, had to try again.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Let Me Love You(15)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Thanks and I completely agree.
Here as requested! I haven't read any of the other chapters, so I'm going to avoid talking about plot if I can, and focus more of writing style, since that's all I can really judge on!
Lay -vs- Lie
There's a link of the difference between the verbs "lie" and "lay". The highlighted "laying" needs to be "lying".
Also, washing her hand over her abdomen? I think you can find a better, clearer verb than "washing".
Run-on, first of all. And you forgot a verb somewhere in there.
For everything else, there's not quite enough. Not quite enough description, not quite enough characterization, not quite enough explanation, not quite enough imagery, not quite enough time devoted to each scene. You have the bare bones for a really interesting and good story/chapter, but right now you haven't explored it deeply enough. First thing you can do is just slow down the pace of everything and develop each scene as a scene of its own. Tell us what the doctor's office looks like. Do they have to wait at all? All their magazines in the waiting room? Are the nurses friendly, or do they look tired? When the doctor leaves the room, does Isabella envision terrible disfigurements that her baby could have? You say she's clammy and anxious-- that's a really good start. Go past the physical and show (just a little bit) what makes her so nervous. What are the possibilities running through her mind?
And then, in the next scene, they keep ready-made milkshakes in the refrigerator?
So, basically, explore this story deeper. Get to know your characters better. Right now, in this chapter, they exist in two roles: pregnant, unmarried woman, and father-to-be. I can't see anything else about them except for that they love each other, but are uncertain and scared. What does uncertainty and fear do to their personalities? What kind of people are they? Since you already know their roles as characters, figure out who they are as people. And then you can show that in your dialogue, which was a bit generic.
All in all, I really hope this doesn't discourage you, because you have what could be a really interesting plot and characters. But the suddenly-pregnant card has been played before, and, to make this story your own, you have to really develop it.
PM me for anything, and keep writing!
~Evi
EDIT: Oh. And I don't recommend adding modern-day songs into your story, especially if you just stick the lyrics in there, and especially especially if your character is going to pretend he wrote them when he didn't.
Hello, I'm Kate.
I must tell you that I have not read all the chapters. So, I hope you don't mind if I give you a review anyways!
This chapter didn't catch my attention that well. I had to focus my concentration to try and finish it. However, if I had read all the chapters up to this point, I may have been anxious to see what happens next. Also, I would recommend sprucing up your dialogue. To me, it didn't sound believable in some parts.
Overall, I think you are a talented writer and I applause you for your dedication to this story! Chapter fourteen! Great job.
Keep writing,
Kate
Please, I don't need any points.
I have so many I don't know what to do with them any more. In fact I just donated 2012 yesterday. If only they counted as beneficial to the people of Haiti.