We had to create a piece of microfiction for class, and this was my submission:
The floor boards creaked under his weight as he moved through the threshold. He hadn’t been in this house for twenty years, but the loss of his own child made him return to this childhood dungeon. Dust covered the peeling yellow paint, the white, wooden banister, and the rugged stairs. His mother and father had been married on this farm. They raised three children in this house. Paul ran his hand along the wall, feeling the crumbling wall paper. The nails were eyesores along the walls, with their pictures long gone. As the hall curved, up two more steps, and there were the forbidden rooms: his parent’s bedroom and the abandoned nursery. He could still smell baby powder as he walked in. Maybe if he understood his parent’s grief over Noelle, he would understand why he lacked it over Trinity. As he sat in the rocker, he closed his eyes, remembering the countless tears his father shed in the garage, the hesitation he held at this door every night, the silence that surrounded the highchair that still stood downstairs at the kitchen table. He thought hard about his little girl, all the smiles they shared, her giggles filling the air, and her pink pacifier she couldn’t sleep without, but nothing could make a tear fall down his cheek. After trying longer than he should have, Paul picked up his sagging body and made his way home. The snow boots still lingered in the closet. He wanted to help his wife move on, so he did what she couldn’t. Paul put an ad on eBay: For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey, Rascalover! This piece was rather heart-aching, and you definitely built up that feeling of sadness, lost, and longing. You slowly explained it while Paul was pacing the house, making it kind of like a visual tour throughout the whole entire story. However, you might want to work on spacing it out a little, and making it just a tad bit longer. I understand its supposed to be micro-fiction, so it's supposed to be short, but maybe just a little bit of extension, like three to five more sentences. You could also offer just a little bit more of scenery, just a suggestion, of course. Maybe make the house dusty, as you were trying to convey that the house was rather old and worn out. By the way, just a thing I noticed, in the opening note you accidentally placed two spaces between a and piece.
Rather than a few flaws, which everybody always has, this was a really nice piece of writing, and I could feel the atmosphere you were trying to set. Good job overall! ~Prez. T
Hello there, Rascalover.
To be honest, I think this could have done without the incorporation of that famous six word story. While it works, I suppose, it makes the man actually seem insensitive towards his wife, which I don't think was the intention there.
I also think you told more than you showed here. In such a small space, this is difficult, but it is possible. Instead of taking so much time in the hall leading up to the nursery, drop him into the story directly in the nursery. Don't tell us that he's lost his daughter right away. Go into the part about Noelle and Trinity (very holy names you've got there; on purpose?), but don't say right out, "the loss of his own child" right near the beginning. I want to discover what's happened on my own, not be told what's happened.
Overall, it just moved very quickly for me. I know that it had to be short, but it is possible to create the illusion that it is moving more slowly. My first suggestion would be to break it up into paragraphs. This gives it the illusion of it being longer, and besides, humans remember things better when it's broken up. Every time a new thought begins, begin a new paragrhaph. That's a good rule of thumb.
Anyway, I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy YWSing!