Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Just a short story based on my character Ezzie from Indigena (The Storybook)
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The young Ezra stared fearfully at her uncle. The man's pudgy face stared back, unblinking. "What?" He bellowed, his breath smelling of alcohol and deep-fried foods.
"Nothing." Ezzie squeaked out, her dark brown hair falling in her face. "Nothing, Uncle Garret."
"Better be nothing, you lousy, good for nothing little girl." He shot back at the short, thirteen year old. She flinched at his gruff voice. "What?"
"N-Nothing." She stuttered, her cheeks burning.
He grunted. "Get me another beer."
Ezra wanted to reply with 'Get it yourself, you lazy pig.' but she would end up with a whipping. So, she held her tongue like Aunt Margaret taught her, and scurried to the kitchen to retrieve the alcoholic beverage.
When she came back, her uncle was shuffling into the hallway, towards the bathroom. She sighed, and set the beer on the coffee table. Garret's muddy boots lay on the ground next to it, and Ezzie knew that Aunt Margaret would chew her out if she let them lay there, so she took them to the kitchen and cleaned them.
She had been staying with her Aunt and Uncle for the past two years, since her grandparents moved into Shady Oak Retirement Center in Chicago, IL.
He came back then. "Stupid girl, do you not know how to uncap a man's beer?"
"S-Sorry, Uncle."
"How will you ever marry?"
Ezzie's hands shook and she fought down the angry words that stung in her head. "I do not know, Uncle. I should know better."
"Damn right, you should." He grumbled, as he flopped onto the sunken-in couch. "Get me food."
"Yes, Uncle."
"Onkel, you stupid, worthless..." His insults blurred together, and Ezzie drifted into her dreamland. Her eyes became saggy after a while, and she looked up into her Uncle's eyes. She hadn't noticed that he had stopped talking.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't catch that."
"Pay attention, Fotze!" He spat at her, his hand raising up and slamming against her cheek.
Ezra's breath was knocked out of her as she fell to the ground, her long dress pooling around her. The grimy linoleum was cold against her face, but the stench was terrible. She fought the urge to gag and looked up at her uncle through thick lashes. He glared down at her, his empty bottle in his other hand. She slowly sat up, and pressed a shaky hand to her cheek, feeling the warmth of the blood there. She knew there would be a bruise, but she always had them, so it didn't matter.
"I'm sorry." She mumbled, dipping her head slightly. He 'hmph-ed' and gripped her upper arm. "I'll do better next time."
"No, you won't." He replied, his voice uncaring and level.
"Uncle," She began, tears sliding down her cheeks. "Uncle, why?" Her voice was a broken whisper, her eyes large and afraid.
"I have no choice. If you will not listen, you must be punished."
She was yanked up roughly. She felt a bruise forming on her arm, but she was glad to be up from the cold, grubby floor. Her uncle pulled her to the closest door. It's knob held a single key, and with a great shove, Ezra's small, frail body tumbled in. He stared down at her, before closing the door.
It was then that she let all of her tears fall, and she collapsed with a sob. She had no clue of when she would be let out, but she hoped it was soon.
Margaret approached the rundown house, and pushed the door open. Her husband lay on the couch, absent mindedly flipping through channels on the television. "Ezra?"
"In the room."
Margaret sighed. "What did she do this time?"
"Spacing out when I was talking to her."
Margaret sighed. "That isn't as bad as last time. Perhaps you should be more lenient on her punishment?"
"Are you telling me how to raise my niece?" His voice raised slightly, his dark eyes flickering to his wife's thin face. He began to sit up.
"Of course not, honey." she replied quickly. "I was just... suggesting."
"Huh. Whatever." He replied, reaching for the beer. "Get her some bread, why don't you?"
Margaret nodded, and quickly stepped into the kitchen, curling her lip in disgust at the dirty floor and peeling wallpaper. She opened the bread box and placed a roll on her hand, before taking a mineral water and re-entering the living room. She opened the door to the bedroom and smiled sadly at her niece.
"I'm sorry, Aunt Margaret." Ezzie whispered, not bother to even turn around.
"You need to pay attention." Margaret replied, setting down the water on the ground beside Ezra. "Don't apologize to me."
Ezra nodded, sniffing. She took the roll gingerly and set it on her lap.
"I'm still sorry." She mumbled, after her aunt left.
~
"Get up." A blow of pain was delivered to her stomach. "Girl." He said, again. "Get up."
She slowly raised her head and resisted the urge to glare. Instead, she smiled. "Good morning, Uncle."
"Shove it. Get up, you're making breakfast."
She nodded, drowsily, staggering to her feet. The roll from last night lay half eaten by her head, and she could taste it's staleness on her plump, pink lips.
Ezzie followed her uncle to the kitchen, when she began cooking. Her aunt shuffled in a few minutes later, dressed in a pale gray robe. She patted Ezra's head as she passed, and prepared herself a mug of coffee.
It was just another normal day, for Ezzie. She just couldn't wait until her parents came to retrieve her from her uncle, if they ever did.
End of chapter
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Hi, Pen! Happy Review Day! XD
Okay, I must say... WOW. This was good. Like, this was really really really good. You kept it believable, gritty, entertaining---everything. I felt very sympathetic toward Ezzie. The way her uncle interacted with her was actually how many abusive parents/guardians interact with their charges, and how her aunt acted was even more believable as that's more often than not how the female of the relationship feels: More sympathetic, but unable to help much because of how controlling the relationship is.
Well, I guess I don't need to tell YOU this, but still. I'm just so impressed! ^_^
Okay, now for the dumb nitpicks.
"Uncle" doesn't need to be capitalized here.
No need for the comma after "back."
I think that's all. Now for some more things I liked:
Your descriptions are spot-on. Seriously, just flawless and perfect and... yeah. I love them.
Okay, that's it for now! Great job with this. I hope you do continue it, but no pressure!
Thanks, Lulu ^^ I'm glad that there are only two thing that are wrong, and I will change them ASAP.
I will be continuing it though!
Hey there! Here to review this with one minute to go in my Christmas
Ooh and last thing: I liked how you dropped in a character profile without doing it all in one go. Here and there you mentioned slight things about her appearance so by the end of this we had the general image. Nice 
I think this was good. I get what you were trying to bring across, and there were no technical mistakes that I could see whatsoever. It's a sad story, or it seems like it will be. And you also managed to put quite a bit of backstory into it as well, which was impressive. My criticism shall be to a bare minimum seeing as this writing was fine.
What I didn't understand was, wasn't Ezzie being thrown into a wardrobe? Later you call it her bedroom? She seemed like she really didn't want to go in there, so maybe explain what was so bad about it. Was it small, particularly dirty or pitch black? I was curious.
Also, this writing was good, but you could definitely take it to a higher level if you add some more description in it. I saw bits of this potential when you mentioned her red dress pooling around her, it made me think of blood really. But sometimes all you say is, Ezzie could feel a bruise coming on. But that's just telling me something physical has happened in reaction to her treatment. Why don't you write that she rose a trembling hand to the sore patch on her face, feeling the skin before it turned blue with bruising. Or something like that. Also, I would like a bit more of this on the emotional front as well. Esra is being abused here! It must be a terribly trying and emotional thing. I just wanted more emotion here, because although I did understand what you were saying, I wasn't feeling it 100%.
I'm curious as to find out why his husband sticks with him, why he's looking after his niece and what their situation is in an entirety. Please let me know on my wall or something whenever the next chapter is up! I would like to read it
Deanie x
I was kind of testing myself. I usually drop the profile all at once, but I had just read Rydia's article, and I tried it out Cx
Thanks for the review!
Although, I'm not that good with descriptions, five senses and the like. But I appreciate it! I'll look into furthering my descripting skills and my consistency DX
I was doing a Ww with this one, and I forgot about he wardrobe/closet part D:
Actually, I re-read it. I never said it was a wardrobe D: Just a room..
I love how this being sentences have a suspensful feel
I just have a couple of points to point out if you were to expand this story a lot.
First you should tell why she is with her uncle and how he became abusive. Also, don't spoil the climax of the story early or you will not have anything to talk about later in the story.
~Chey
I was thinking about making it longer, but the plot contains her escaping, then leads straight into a storybook. Kind of like a prequel?
Thanks for the comment!
your welcome any time because i justpublished my prologue to my new story
mind checking it out?
your welcome any time because i justpublished my prologue to my new story
mind checking it out?
Sure. ^^