***Please excuse the lack of format, my laptop doesn't enjoy keeping itself together. I'm going to go beat it with a hammer. I tried to fix it, but this is the best I could do. It's better than one large paragraph, no?***
You'll never be as good as I am,
so why even try?
I think you're pathetic,
just go home and cry.
You can't reach this level,
you're a disgrace,
Just don't go out in public
with that thing you call a 'face'.
It's obvious that I'm better,
you can't measure up,
I'm the top dog,
but you're just a pup.
I'm the boss battle,
you're level one.
Don't be pretentious,
it's over, you're done.
You can't beat my rhyme,
I'm as good as Poe.
You can't beat me,
call me your biggest foe.
You tried to top this,
but you got stuck.
So tell me,
how does it feel to suck?
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
I really liked your poem.
Hey! Retro here for a review!
First of I wanted to say that this is brilliant and fantastic and incredible. so a very well done my friend!
Though your formatting may have messed up I think it is safe to say that the breaks were apparent. I like the four line stanza format anyway so it was quite simple to follow.
You maintained a decent paced and well structured rhyme scheme; one which didn't feel too forced which is always a good thing, especially with this sort of poem.
You didn't really have that much descriptive imagery which is typical of a poem but to be honest i'm glad you didn't. I feel as though if there was a rap category it should go into there! It is incredibly lyrical though, which is something most poets, myself included, find very difficult.
Another thing which you have done well is move away from the typical idea of not liking oneself. I know it is a common theme, one which I do myself on multiple occasions but it is nice to see it turned on it's head and be confident for once, so kudos for that.
However, there is just one or two nitpicks;
1. 'let's call you a disgrace' I don't know if the use of let's is that affective. I think perhaps something like, accept it you're a disgrace might flow better because let's just seems a bit static within the rest of the sentence.
2. 'You're a shame' I don't think you're a shame makes sense as a sentence. So i'd trying and find something else which fits in with your rhyme, maybe something to fit more in context with that stanza.
Anyway I though this was a great poem so thanks a lot of a good read!
Keep it up!
~Retro
Hey! XD
This is a great rhetorical question - your title I mean.
'I'm the top dog,
but you're just a pup.
I'm the boss battle,
you're level one.'
This whole thing is like a battle between someone's brain. I really like that, you have one essential protagonist but they are multi-dimensional. If that is even a word? XD
If I was going to suggest making any improvements, I would say something to do with the organisation of the stanzas. But that is just a nitpick really. Generally, this work is perfect.
Keep writing.
~BSF