Paradise

Aha, sorry for the late review, I just saw your picture, followed you, decided I needed to look at your work before following you so here I am.
Okay, I found this really really nice.
Your words flow so beautifully and I can basically feel what your narrator is feeling now!
"the cool sand beneath my toes."
"To feel the soft breeze,"
So well described!!

There's only one suggestion I'd make, and that's with the line:
"the cool sand beneath my toes."
I'd personally change "My" to something else, something descriptive, you know? Like perhaps "small" or something. I'm ill, okay give me credit for even coming up with that
Brilliant last line though, really finishes the piece nicely and makes it live up to the title.
Good work! YOU DESERVED THE FOLLOW AFTER ALL!
-CFG

This is similar to one of my works! The last line here is good, as is the first, again your grammar and spelling is good, but for one point.
"hoping for a distant dream,
Oh, it'd sure be nice, "
not sure about the capital on Oh. Apart from that, fine. Your consistent sentencing is probably what I like the best, either that or the rhyme. I like rhyme in poetry, it adds rhythm (clues in the word roots). It reminds me of Seahouses (England) in the summer. Defiantly not winter though...
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

hello ....im here to review ....

well your work was so great , you used a simple sentences ,the imagery was so good , i loved

the description ..especially in this part ...

wearing barely any clothes.
the cool sand beneath my toes.


and as a happy , active girl i support these kinds of poems , and songs

so keep up the good , happy work , can't wait to read some of your works

I actually like this, T.

Hey Tiny here!

Okay so I have bolded my all time favorite parts of the poem for you since the other reviewers have already pointed out the mistakes.

To feel the soft breeze,

to move with ease,

wearing barely any clothes.

the cool sand beneath my toes,

To sit on the beach,

all my worries out of reach,

and I want to sip an exotic drink,

and not have to think.

But I'm sitting behind this screen,

hoping for a distant dream,

Oh, it'd sure be nice,

to live it up in Paradise.

I thought this showed fantastic imagery and it really hit me, all I do is sit at my computer. Thank you for this beautiful poem.

Keep writing

Hi!

First off: Love this poem!

I am truly a sucker for rhyming poems and found this to be supremely wonderful. You captured the beach feel well. When I first started reading the poem I imagined walking on the beach with blue skys and the sun rays hitting my skin. The lines you have are so simple but they say everything, because I was able to visualize every line.

Sure it's simple but I think simplicity can be the best when used effectively. I think you captured paradise using simple lines in an effective and wonderful way. Good job and happy writing!

Hey, I'm KnightTeen here to give you a review.

First can I just say welcome to the site. It's always nice to get new members.

As for the actual review:

Don't take this the wrong way, but this is surprisingly simple. And in complete honesty, most of the best poems are much like this one. Your narrative (you might call it plot) gets straight to the point without any drama or extra stuff.

Now, a lot of writers use a little extra drama and stuff, and that's okay to. It can really go both ways, and the trick is to balance it so that the stuff doesn't overwhelm the work.

Now, of course, you didn't need to worry about that here.

Now, here's the rule when it comes to poetry: There are no rules unless you want there to be

Writing poetry is like going through a walk in the park, you can choose pathway a or pathway b and either one is going to give you a wonderful time.

However your style goes is the way that you should write, and don't change it because someone says it should be done a certain way.

There were a few issues that I noticed, ad all of them were because the flow was a little choppy. Some of the lines had one to many syllables, and that threw the rhythm off.

But other than that, this was a wonderful read. Simple, straight to the point, and it rhymes. (I love rhyme!!)

Very good job, and I hope to see you post more like it soon.

KT

Hey there, Pen! Firstly, welcome to YWS! I see you joined out ranks yesterday. It's always lovely to see new faces around here.

So, you have a lovely little poem here. I could see the image you were trying the create. A lovely little piece of Paradise as you put it.

So, on to the details, shall we?

YWS formatting can be a pain sometimes, and I think you were another one of it victims. It doesn't take too much time to fix, just click the little button that says Edit Work and you're set.

Note: If you see me mention SPaG, it stands for Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. If I see a mistake regarding these, I'll quote "SPaG" and highlight the area in which I found an error.

To feel the soft breeze,

to move with ease,

wearing barely any clothes[color=red.[/color]

the cool sand beneath my toes,

To sit on the beach,

all my worries out of reach,

and I want to sip an exotic drink,

and not have to think.

But I'm sitting behind this screen,

hoping for a distant dream,

Oh, it'd sure be nice,

to live it up in Paradise.