In a life, without psych.
For a kite, to hike.
The 5 feelings get witnessed.
Happiness,
Sadness,
Darkness,
Forgiveness,
And the yearn for one.
The yearn for one's love.
The yearn for one’s attention.
The yearn for someone..
Without the yearn,
Life is uncomplete
Life feels incomplete.
Something inside feels missing.
That something is yearn.
Someone .
Something .
…
5-19-26
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there Nataleen! Hop here with a review! I am currently writing this in Riseup since YWS is blocked on my school computer and there is NO WAY I'm writing one on my tablet. So, since I won't be able to submit this, you'll see that vic published this review instead of me. Anyways, let's move onto this review!!!
Hi Natalee, vic here. Hop and I teamed up to write this one, but I couldn't let her have *all* the fun, nor did it feel morally right to let someone on the other team help me, so you'll see my feedback italicized beneath hers.
Okay, I don't know why but I always love analyzing the title and seeing how it fits to the poem since I feel that is often overlooked in poetry and is also just as important. You named it "The 5 feeling of life." I think this shows what the poem is about without having everything be a dead giveaway!! Usually, I'd go for making the title a particular line in a poem but I think this title is really good as is so
I'm wondering why you decided to use "feeling" singular instead of "feelings" plural. If that was intentional, I see it as a way to show that not just something that you feel in the moment, but as almost an accessory to your 5 sense, since you're also going by fives.
When you say:
I do feel like you could've used different words on the second line because I'm not really sure what you mean by "For a kite, to hike". Are you trying to use examples of everyday activities? Maybe instead try ellaborating on what you mean by that. Of course, show, not tell, lol. Honestly, that is the only critique that really jumps out at me so that's really good!
I didn't notice that the format of the poem is very non-standard, which is interesting. You've focused a lot on the 5th emotion, yearning, so this poem is clearly about love. I wonder, then, why this poem is on the 5 feelings, when it really should just be about the 5th feeling. That would make this poem a lot sharper.
I also really enjoy all of the boldness on some of the words and same with the italisicing! It really shows how much you're emphasizing the words and feelings and honestly makes the entire thing sound more raw and honest. Especially with the short paragraph of everything bolded, it makes it look really nice and like it's the most important out of everything else in the poem.
Ditto. Nothing to say here.
I will say if you're talking about 5 feelings of life, it'd be better to talk about each one in more detail instead of just mentioning the others and then focusing on one specifically.
with "something inside feels missing" is a little bit of a cliche, you subvert it by explaining the something directly as Yearn, which is great as it is, but could use a little build-up to draw the reader in.
Overall, this poem shows a lot of emptiness and almost like that feeling of coldness and like having a missing peice of your life sorta not there? I really love how you described the sense of yearning because you literally hit it right on. You're incredibly talented and I hope you never give up writing.
Have a good day or night!
Love,
hop & vic
oop
Yearn is basically the absence of something needed. As Google says it, "To yearn is to have an intense, often wistful or melancholic desire for something, particularly something that is unattainable or difficult to obtain. It is a powerful, persistent longing for an experience, person, or abstract state (e.g., yearning for freedom)."
Now how does a poet explains yearning? They explain it like this.
I had always liked the way you formatted your poems to add emphasis on specific lines, it's very eye-catching. (Also I was waiting for you to post new works lmao). Also love the simplistic way in which you wrote this poem. My favourite lines are probably
"Without the yearn,
Life is uncomplete
Life feels incomplete.
Something inside feels missing.
That something is yearn.
Someone .
Something ."
Just feels delectable to read these last few lines.
Alright, that's all.
Keep writing ^^
Tyy!!!! I been honestly procrastinating on these poems because if you look at the date, that's when I started it and by that I mean put the title-
I see lol
Hiyaaaaaaaaaaa
Disclaimer- this is An AbSoLuTeLy CrApPy ReViEw, PlEaSe PrOcEeD wItH CaUtIoN (huge emphasis on crappy because I haven't written a review in like....2 months?)
SO LETS GET STARTED WITH THIS NO BS REVIEWW (im too dioriented for this)
"In a life, without psych.
For a kite, to hike."
To begin with, this is a great starting cuz this manages to narrow down by already narrowed and small af brain. heh. (my sensical part of my brain means to say that this is a great first line)
*long pause and nothingness* umm my void thinks this is a great contrast to reality (eh!?) Like a life is nothing without 'psych' or the emotions, chaos, mind soul etc (pls forgive me) This line is immediatly followed by "for a kite, to hike"
And.....kites fly in the air not hike on the ground.....(FAHHHHHHHHHHH)
I guess this an absurd paradox, but it makes sense (processing, pls wait) Like it has a much deeper meaning thats tough to explain (whats the use of being a writer?) Get me? (its 1 am, i dont get me)
Both scenarios describe something being grounded, restricted, or stripped of its true purpose.
You mention four feelings and then the next one is love but you don't mention it deirectly
Instead, you describe it (DIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) and maybe, its not js simple old love.
Its all of love and everything with it, in those for lines
Like um the intense feeling for attention (could be platonic too) and js experiencing the joy of feeling loved or cared for. I could say much more but I will stop yapping (umm js a lil more left)
You end with how life feels incomplete without this feeling of 'yearn' (oh yes it does) And genuinly they're simple words with a lot of meaning
I noticed ur usage of words which i found intriguing for no reason- 'incomplete' and 'uncomplete'.
Nice way to actually make someone pause and read every word ( i js hv a very short attnetion span)
OVERALL- Now, i absolutely beg you to make more poems which do not question my sanity while having a lot interpretation and meaning behind it
This poem is a noice example of it. I LOVED ITTTTTTT (hehe im not crazy im not going crazy)
thank you for reading all that yap,
genuinly sorry for all that chaos
Nandini
lol ty! I have plenty more poems in my doc (22) and I just don't post some cuz the don't live up to my expectations