Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Magpie

by Moo




Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 277
Reviews: 5

Donate
Tue May 24, 2016 2:50 am
EvanJW wrote a review...



Obviously, I love the fact that the poem is in the shape of a cat! I mean, who wouldn't appreciate that? Now, to the words themselves. I like the frantic, semi-literate narrative voice of the cat, as I think it fits the theme very well. I liked all the detail you added to the gravestone towards the end, as well as the imagery of a dead cat lying in the road. Overall, this is a solid, creatively organize poem. Nice work!




User avatar
184 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 184

Donate
Tue May 24, 2016 1:47 am
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived for a review!
I love form poetry, so I have nothing but kind words and praise for this.
I love the incorporation of the "white spots" mentioned into the form itself. Very meta.
I love the diction and the ceaseless flow. The details you chose are powerful, succinct, and evocative.
I felt like this whole poem was a camera, panning first out as the cat crosses the road, then in as the dog stops, then slowly back out as the children bury the cat, and then back in on the skull. It was full of movement that gripped me every second.
This was masterful, and I loved it.




User avatar
184 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 184

Donate
Tue May 24, 2016 1:31 am
RoyalHighness says...






User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 16

Donate
Mon May 23, 2016 4:02 am
bloodstring wrote a review...



Hey, Moo...it's bloodstring here for a quick review.
The fact that you wrote it using form poetry makes it very interesting to read.

Here are some corrections:

I think you forgot to put the word "better" right before "than to cross".And I'm also wondering what the spaces are for...maybe that's for 'my two white splashes'.
Also, you should have inserted 'that'before 'sniff'.
Overall,it was a good poem in a good form!!

Thank you and please keep on writing...

bloody...




User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 2314
Reviews: 67

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 11:31 pm
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hey there Moo, here to review.

I've got to say that this is a very original poem, and it is the first I see that makes the shape of something. Also, the poem in itself seems very good to me.

Now, I'm guessing that you did no use punctuation or capitalization on purpose, but I think that either you punctuate everything, or you do not punctuate at all. This may not be how it works, but since you wrote a comma after the first word, I was expecting punctuation in the rest of the poem, and it was not the case, apart from a couple of commas here and there. But then again, this is how you decided to do it, and since this is poetry we're talking about, it's up to you to write however you want your poem to be.

I also found a couple of mistakes here and there:

that should have known than to cross

That doesn't mean anything, but I think what you were trying to say is "that should have know better than to cross"...

Then:
i pass a dog sniffs my head

I'm not sure if this is intentional, but since there is no punctuation, it might have sounded better if you had written "i pass a dog that sniffs my head[/quote]

Finally the other mistake I found was that (even though I'm not an expert in form poetry) I think you are supposed to read from top to bottom, but the last line reads:
the riots raging loud skull in my emptied

and you should put "skull" after "in my emptied" and not below it, that way it reads "raging loud in my emptied skull"

That is all the bad things, and I will not point out the good things, since all the rest of the poem is good. Congratulations on this nice piece, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your works.

Keep writing,
Alfonso




Moo says...


Hi Alfonso,

As this was a first draft I took a lot on bored and made several corrections to the copy I submitted for review by my university. A lot of the punctuation has been worked on and I feel it reads well.

As for the last line, it is purposefully formatted this way; it is a tail after all, not a traditional stanza. I don't think it has confused anyone else so you may just have read over it wrong; it makes sense to read the top of the cat's tail first haha, so sorry if you didn't get that.

Thanks again for reviewing!





You're welcome! Yeah maybe it's just me.. Makes sense to go through the tail. :)



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 320
Reviews: 14

Donate
Fri May 09, 2014 5:03 pm
Citrus17 says...



Aww! That is so clever! You have assembled this beautifully well and I love your wording again. You have such a way with describing things and with portraying them afterwards. You have such great writing style and I honestly LOVE your poems. Beautiful, inspiring and effortless!




Moo says...


Thanks so much, you're so sweet :)



Citrus17 says...


You're welcome :)



User avatar
861 Reviews


Points: 29596
Reviews: 861

Donate
Sun May 04, 2014 5:02 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Oh, you gave me shivers.

I was directed to this poem because the poem and I share a name. I'm glad I was directed here.

This is beautiful. My mouth fell open and I had to remember to breathe.

Your imagery is beautiful, and the form is beautiful as well.

There is one grammar thing I should tell you about-- "I should have known than" should be "I should have known better than," but you might have chosen to do that to keep the cat shape.

Honestly, though, this is wonderful. I cried. I'm really grateful that you shared this on YWS. I will not mark this as a review-- It is mostly praise and not much help to you.

You're wonderful, and if this is about a real cat, I'm sorry that you lost your companion.




Moo says...


Hi Magpie :)

Any feedback is welcome no matter how much or little is given; so I just wanted to say your comments are still very much appreciated by me, even if it's not a review. So don't worry!

Yes, this poem was based on a real experience, not of my own pet, but of a cat that died in my arms just a few weeks ago. A man ran him over in full view of everyone on my street and stopped, looked at the dying cat, then got in his car and drove on. I knocked on every door where I lived trying to find who owned this cat but no one came forward; I buried it in a field next to my house and then a fox dug it up again. I could feel that 'riot' in that cat's body as it was clinging to life on the road. I harboured a sense of regret for not being able to do anything to end its suffering, and not burying it deep enough for a fox not to find it, but most of all not finding the person that cherished and loved it, if they do exist.

I hope that gave a tiny bit of context for you. It was a very personal and sad experience and spoke a lot about the callousness of people and how animals suffer for that.

Thanks for reading. :)

Moo



User avatar
329 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 329

Donate
Sat May 03, 2014 4:12 pm
retrodisco666 wrote a review...



Hey! Retro here for a wee review :)

I'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I like, okay? :)

First thing, if you're going to use that i at the start then you need to bring in a comma else were. structually it need to work like 'I, Ross, am an amazing dancer' :)

I'm not sure if it is structoral or the style you're going for but after 'in my throat' I think there should be a period :)

Okay, I can't see anything else so i'll talk about what I liked :)

I am very impressd in general really. This sort of structure and shape must have taken forever so I can very much appreciate it! And your poem is quite decent within that so extra points to you! you have some nice imagery, and you use poetic language well. I have a thing about endings so i'll briefly analyse yours :)

'will stop and pause to hear the riots raging loud in my emptied skull'

For me, the end of the poem needs to be a crux, a definitive endings which leaves the reader satisfied. I think you've done that really well here. I think your idea is very beautifully written. I also love the fact that the last word, the tip of the tail, is skull. I just think it's a lovely touch.

Overall this is a very good poem :D
Keep writing!
~Retro




Moo says...


Thanks for taking your time to review/reply!

For sure the poem does need work on it's punctuation. For the most part, punctuation or lack of in this case is normally replaced by a double space but I didn't keep that consistent. I will look into that.

I'm glad you enjoyed the end.

Thanks again!

Moo




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi