Manipulate
Burying your head in the pale of the wave,
I pause and ask, that I might be the pilot-fish
beneath your fins, and in the seas we'll brave
I'll be spared from your lipless grimace—
I'll pluck the parasites from your side.
And, with my barred body gleaming
as the seas are steaming, I'll be your guide
to the saline taste of a child's foot ringing
in our waters. The gulls will dance for you.
As a harpoon splits your skull, I’ll slither
to coil around your broken hull, a strew
of brains leaking lazily from the fissure.
In the reddened waters I'll grow a nail from each fin
To peel back your hide, and lick the salt from your skin.
--
Poetry task for university: write a rhyming sonnet.
Title is a work-in-progress. Thanks for looking!
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140,813 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there KissMe here to give this poem a review!
Let's jump /crawl/ or even fly in!
First off I liked this one t was nice. But a few things I wanted to pick at. You format was a bit odd. Break up the poem into stanzas, it makes it look and flow better. Punctuation was fine along with spelling and grammar. The meaning in the pome was great and clear. Something I like in a poem! I love it thank you for posting it! Though I like almost all of your poems! Thank you again for the great read!
Keep writing and follow your heart!
~KissMe
Hi KissMe,
This poem is a sonnet. And not all poems must be broken into stanzas. I'd argue that can go against flow rather than with it; stanzas are rooms and individual thoughts :p Though thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
MM
This is extremely interesting particularly because the moment I finished reading the poem a single thought just popped in my head- ''beauty to betrayal''. I am absolutely amused by a transformation (so gradually taken) from beauty to betrayal and then I remember that I could be absolutely wrong in the interpretation and that makes it even more interesting.
Word Choice: Thankfully descriptive! The imagery of this poem is largely dependent on your word choice which have been beautifully chosen. The words simply emote this feeling that they are just dancing; ever-moving and linking to conjure images like bones connecting to bones. My only reservation is the first line of the poem. I have to say I didn't feel emotionally satisfied with the use of the word 'pale', it seemed to basic with no sense of 'music' (Forgive me for this term, poem to me should sing; my mental disorder!). For some reason, I feel like the word 'pallidness' should be in play there. However, this is entirely my opinion.
Imagery: Pure beauty! It was raw! I have to say the imagery is what tells the story and the vividness is clear. I enjoyed the degeneration of the imagery as the poem evolved from light to dark. As the poem concludes, the imagery gives off a dark atmosphere, so profound that one can almost imagine each action to perfection.
Voice: eerily innocent. In my opinion, it gives off a 'matter-of-fact' feeling with a tinge of drama. The voice of the poem really sets the mood and is mature and strong.
The structure of the poem was a bit off for me mainly because of your use of full stops between lines but then again, I am a novice when it comes to sonnet with no experience in its machinations.
Overall, it was beautiful poem that expressed maturity.
Tend your flame...
Hi Temi,
Thank you for your comment. I do agree with pale slightly, though pallidness would do the same job. It is however very clunky and probably wouldn't fit in that line. I will try to think of a suitable word in due time
Thank you for such an informative and detailed review. I'm very glad you enjoyed it.
MM