The American will grow softer
submitting to tears because of recessions;
the crippling weight of the first sign of adversity
will have you writing diaries like holocaust victims
calling out to your fellow man and yelling
"the end of the world is near!"
(this apocalypse has been on it’s way
since the beginning of time. )
The gay will sulk just the same as the straight
but million dollar studies will be made to find
the type of chromosomes that makes us
a different species; first it was the Indian,
then it was the black, then it was the woman,
and now it will be the gay, just to find out
that there will be an awful taste to homophobes
in the near future, of the unsophisticated impoverished
type that cannot get with the times-
and no one will face the fact that they are
the wrong side of history;
your president will continue murdering and pillaging
other lands as they distract you with countless
arguments, as they pull up countless amounts of oil
and charge you outstanding prices. They will literally
have all of your conversations in a database ready
to be sold to the highest bidder as they give
you a false sense of reality; they will destroy
cities, and countries and you will fight tirelessly
about the legalization of marijuana;
The American people will still have no idea
about Liberia and the man who killed 20,000 people
the same man who ate little children before battle;
in fact, the Christian will love him because he repents
and spends his days preaching to churches about god-
the American will be shut out entirely of the upcoming
massacres; in fact, it will be their own money
and their own sweat that will destroy
families and crush homes overseas.
And you won’t do a damn thing about it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there! Stella here to review! I don't normally review poetry but the title of this piece drew me in, so here we go!
Either way, I think that the first thing you need to do is tidy those up - it'll make the poem flow a lot better!
Firstly an itty bitty nitpick "it's" should be "its" in the second stanza. Remember, he's, she's, it's, but his, her, its. Simple!
The first thing I noticed is that you change the addressee of the poem *a lot*. Sometimes it's "The American" or "they" and sometimes it's "you". Then when you split up things like "the gay" and "the straight" it's confusing which group you're speaking about. In fact, the subject of the poem in general is a little fuzzy, for the most part I think you're speaking to conservative Americans but then I'm not entirely sure in other parts, if maybe you're speaking to Americans as a whole, or America as a concept. Or 'Murica as a concept
As I say I'm not naturally a poet, but a lot of this read as very prosaic to me, particularly these lines:
"your president will continue murdering and pillaging
other lands as they distract you with countless
arguments, as they pull up countless amounts of oil
and charge you outstanding prices. They will literally
have all of your conversations in a database ready
to be sold to the highest bidder as they give
you a false sense of reality; they will destroy
cities, and countries and you will fight tirelessly
about the legalization of marijuana; "
The use of the word "literally" particularly bugged me, I felt it didn't really have a place there. Speaking of this stanza, I think that you skipped very quickly from one theme to another, and again there was confusion as to who "they" are. But you dodge from war to oil to Big Brother to war to marijuana - in fact the marijuana line works nicely, but the rest I think you need to re-order or rethink, because no thought is formed well enough in this stanza to make much of an impact.
In general, it felt like a very angry poem! And that's good, but I think that some of the anger is clouding the sort of political aspects of the piece. It feels like you, as the author, are addressing issues that are making you angry, and in one way that's good but in another you're missing other things that are really going to affect the American population in the future - particularly I think the obesity crisis is one to consider as America's downfall.
A very interesting poem over all, thanks for the read!
-Stella x
Obesity would be nice to tack on for the sake of FDA regulations on artificial sweeteners, gmo labeling ect. I couldn't get to all of the major problems and to a certain point I wanted to cram it all in there but as things get longer they get more uninteresting.
I have noticed the perspective changing when I was writing it so it is good that you confirmed by doubt clarity wise ect.
I just love this review, thanks so much.
Hey Monsters. I read this, and to be honest, I'm a little confused. I feel like you made some very good points, the fact that our president and the government know so much about us, and the oil prices are rising (although I think maybe changing "outstanding" to outrageous would work better from the perspective you are writing.
I liked those points. But the part about the gay people, and the least stanza really confused me. I can't ay I liked o disliked them, because the message you are trying to get across is so blurry that I can't distinguish what it is.
I think your writing style is good, but could you explain to me a little more of what you meant so I can more fully understand it?
~Messenger
It%u2019s understandable if you don%u2019t know what I%u2019m talking about in this poem as it contains complicated arguments and an understanding of American history. The poem centers around the idea that these political/social issues are the future or the current America. Very few people stand up against them; so it%u2019s talking about current problems and some problems that will most likely arise in the future.
The gay stanza is supporting gay rights and comparing homophobic tendencies to racism and male chauvinism. As you may know racism and male chauvinism are similar in American history when we took the Indians land, enslaved African Americans and had not included woman as people either in the constitution when it came to voting ect. It%u2019s talking about the act of dehumanizing people who are different then us just to find out we are the same. Although with all of them we sort of developed an equality over time (at least politically). This poem suggest that the gay will have the same type of correlation and sooner or later the homophobe will be just like we consider a racist or sexist.
The last stanza is an example of hypocrisy and it just so happens that the strongest example I could think of that was relevant to modern history was General Butt Naked and his converting to Jesus Christ. It is not trying to specifically attack Christians but it does attack the people who forgave Butt Naked for his horrendous crimes to humanity. Again, not attacking the mostly purity of the religion but the ones who continue being socially unaware or accept his apology. I wouldn%u2019t judge the stanza until you know the full scope of the problem and for that there is plenty of youtube videos just search %u201CGeneral Butt Naked and Christianity.%u201D The social unawareness in America is just the same when we look at what the American Government is doing overseas and how much people really care about it. This is an oversimplified answer and I could write a book trying to explain so I kept it too a mere reference to try and increase social awareness. Even though, few will read. Please comment if you need more clarification.
ah, so i wasn't too far off. Sadly, a lot of what you wrote is ALREADY happening. I don't think you need to say "the future" I don't understand what you mean about the general. Christ's redemption is for anyone, particularly people who have committed horrendous crimes. It shows that anyone (no matter how evil they were) can be forgiven if they truly repent. What is mercy if not that?
Yes but some is of future America and some is of current America. Also, I know of this argument and I understand your perspective but we hold different beliefs unfortunately. I am an atheist so our opinions are likely to differ; I don%u2019t mean harm to you but if you watch the videos he is a very happy person and it hits hard that so many people are following him. Also whether he fully repented is a debatable argument and it%u2019s rather very opinionated. It%u2019s hypocrisy to me and well the poem is basically my perspective; you don%u2019t have to agree with everything and likely not everyone will agree with it all.
Completely understand!
This rocks my world, especially this part:
The American people will still have no idea
about Liberia and the man who killed 20,000 people
the same man who ate little children before battle;
in fact, the Christian will love him because he repents
and spends his days preaching to churches about god-
the American will be shut out entirely of the upcoming
massacres; in fact, it will be their own money
and their own sweat that will destroy
families and crush homes overseas.
I agree with you and I like everything you are communicating. I am so wowed by your perspective and I want to read more like this. Keep it up!
Thanks but this is not a review. Please keep general comments as comments and read this; How to poetry review
Thanks for reading and commenting
*snaps*
but Veer, I don't understand what this means...
come now, we dont applaud poetry, we snap
or is that just another lie ive been taught by the system
Oh yeah that, that's a lie. But oh well, I'd *snap* back but I don't think it works that way...