With a look she summons these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,
Tearing into me creating happy wounds
Which cannot be healed.
Her name is a mantra in my head,
A record spinning so fast it creates tornadoes in its wake
And devastation is running through the town in metaphors,
Throwing cows into walls so fast they are Gobbledygook.
Fishes swimming through their guts because the blood floods
The worlds she creates in my head.
She is a god, a concept of unimaginable beauty
So I edged parts of my memories in her skin--
And I can only see myself when she’s standing next to me…
She is a pixel more precise then all others,
She is a three of binary, an illogical perfection,
She makes things that cannot make sense,
A pattern that fits inside the obstructions of my body.
Together, we are exceptions
We draw our world and weave together
Images with infinite happiness,
And we are free from hate.
When it rains it’s of our happy tears
Pouring onto the streets
Making mediocrity into a series of
Five million rainbows in the city.
I cannot see clouds,
Cause her fingernails are forged into those rainbows
And the colors are turning into a picture of a galaxy.
Without her,
I’ve been drawing the nothing that’s inside me
A picture frame surrounding a dull gray paper.
And I’m drowning in sweat
Filling up empty rooms trying to replicate
Something that cannot be,
Something that made so much sense before
But it vanishes, and I’m not capable
To do anything because
She is my inspiration..
Now, I find myself pacing in the isles of libraries,
And feeling myself morphed into a fate,
Of understanding life linearly,
And I mouth the titles looking for a book to give me purpose
Or an equation that equals a depth
Of greater importance then me and her,
And I about memorized every page.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hey,
I want to say that I really liked this poem and really liked your style of writing.
However, I would have to agree with CupcakeQueen123.
There were some punctuation errors that I am not sure if they are intentional or not.
Also, a few comma places where spotted where they should be.
But overall I really liked it and I hope I can read more of your writing soon.
~
P.S
Hi
Two tiny critiques, and then I'm just gonna gush all about the awesomeness of this piece:
I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but there were quite a few instances where punctuation should have been used but wasn't.
Just in the first stanza, for example:
"With a look she summons these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,
Tearing into me creating happy wounds
Which cannot be healed."
With commas added correctly, it should be:
"With a look, she summons these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,
Tearing into me, (or and?) creating happy wounds
Which cannot be healed."
Oh, and just one little spelling error I spotted:
When you say, "Of greater importance then me and her," it should be "than," not "then."
Okay. So. My head is spinning (In a good way, mind you). You have such a rich talent at provoking emotions in your readers... In the first stanza, I knew exactly what you were talking about. That feeling of sharp energy zipping through your veins, like "snakes," as you put it. Which, by the way, seems to be another of your strong suits; metaphors.
And imagery. Dang. I was blown away by all the images you conjured. "A picture frame surrounding a dull gray paper," was my favorite.
Anyway, sorry; I suck at reviews. Just wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved this.
It would also be super cool if you could take a look at my works. They're absolutely trashy compared to this, but I'd love the feedback, anyway. Your reviews are brutally honest, which is exactly the type I'm looking for. Don't feel obligated to, though.
Happy writing!
Hey, rhiasofia here to review this most interesting piece.
Okay, since I have to have some kind of constructive criticism, despite the fact that I love this, I'm going to point out the third line.
"Tearing into me creating wounds that cannot be healed;"
I feel like the flow would be better if a comma was added after tearing.
I agree with magpie94 about the possible use of stronger vocabulary, especially for the verbs. Otherwise, that's about the only things we agree on. I think the use of the "have beens" when speaking of the art really works. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it just adds something.
Really, I just love this. It's definitely worthy of being in the spotlight. Very unique, very interesting language choice. Your metaphors avoided the cliché, which is great. It makes you think because of how different you made it, like it kinda stops you and makes you reread and just think on it. Some lines just stood out to me as being super beautiful and powerful, and the last stanza was my favorite bit. I love that, the image of wandering through libraries to find something that speaks to you, to find reason and purpose, but just memorizing things. I like it the best because it was much more concrete, but still wonderfully symbolic and well-written.
Really love it, keep it up!
Hello, Monsters! I'm here to review!
Wow! I really like this! Your imagery is vivid, and you definitely get your point across. It's quite lovely.
That being said, there are a few things you could change to make this good poem even better.
I notice that, while you have lots of imagery, you also have a lot of words in between the images. In poetry, less is more. Shall we examine the first two lines?
All right. You start out well, with good images that make me really see what you want me to. However, you have words that detract from the images because they are unneeded and distracting. "can," "these," and "make" are all unneeded and can be taken out. Also, "ripples" can be easily turned into a verb. Use the strongest verbs possible to create a streamlined, focused, and lean poem. If we do take out these words I mentioned, and change the tenses a little to create grammatical harmony, we have:
If you say that these things are happening at the moment, the images are even stronger.
I also put "that" at the beginning of the next line because it's an awkward line break there.
Here is another example:
You can take out "sounds like" and substitute "is" to make a stronger feeling. Also, I think you can find a stronger verb than "creating" in the third line. I think you should change the tense of that line, too. You could just say "creates" or whatever you want that verb to be instead of "it is creating" (though you contracted it (if you're going to keep it as a contraction, don't forget the apostrophe in between the t and the s!
In several instances in the poem, you use "can". Don't let the language be hypothetical. Be in the moment. Here, let me show you:
So it's a possibility that these things are happening, but I really want to know that these things are happening, you know?
These two lines bother me because of the "have been"s. You contract one of them, so it's not as noticeable. Don't use have been! It creates a passive sounding voice that you don't want. Here's a nice way to circumvent your have beens.
The last thing I'd like to address is punctuation. I'm just going to go ahead and go through with a red pen and give you the correct version of the punctuation below. Make sure you brush up on your colons, semi-colons, and comma usages, though!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask! I hope this was helpful. I really enjoyed reading this! Good work!
I'll be working on this, thank you.