Young Writers Society

Hey,
I want to say that I really liked this poem and really liked your style of writing.
However, I would have to agree with CupcakeQueen123.
There were some punctuation errors that I am not sure if they are intentional or not.
Also, a few comma places where spotted where they should be.

But overall I really liked it and I hope I can read more of your writing soon.

~
P.S

Hi

Two tiny critiques, and then I'm just gonna gush all about the awesomeness of this piece:

I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but there were quite a few instances where punctuation should have been used but wasn't.

Just in the first stanza, for example:

"With a look she summons these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,
Tearing into me creating happy wounds
Which cannot be healed."

With commas added correctly, it should be:

"With a look, she summons these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,
Tearing into me, (or and?) creating happy wounds
Which cannot be healed."

Oh, and just one little spelling error I spotted:

When you say, "Of greater importance then me and her," it should be "than," not "then."


Okay. So. My head is spinning (In a good way, mind you). You have such a rich talent at provoking emotions in your readers... In the first stanza, I knew exactly what you were talking about. That feeling of sharp energy zipping through your veins, like "snakes," as you put it. Which, by the way, seems to be another of your strong suits; metaphors.

And imagery. Dang. I was blown away by all the images you conjured. "A picture frame surrounding a dull gray paper," was my favorite.

Anyway, sorry; I suck at reviews. Just wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved this.

It would also be super cool if you could take a look at my works. They're absolutely trashy compared to this, but I'd love the feedback, anyway. Your reviews are brutally honest, which is exactly the type I'm looking for. Don't feel obligated to, though.

Happy writing!

Hey, rhiasofia here to review this most interesting piece.

Okay, since I have to have some kind of constructive criticism, despite the fact that I love this, I'm going to point out the third line.

"Tearing into me creating wounds that cannot be healed;"

I feel like the flow would be better if a comma was added after tearing.

I agree with magpie94 about the possible use of stronger vocabulary, especially for the verbs. Otherwise, that's about the only things we agree on. I think the use of the "have beens" when speaking of the art really works. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it just adds something.

Really, I just love this. It's definitely worthy of being in the spotlight. Very unique, very interesting language choice. Your metaphors avoided the cliché, which is great. It makes you think because of how different you made it, like it kinda stops you and makes you reread and just think on it. Some lines just stood out to me as being super beautiful and powerful, and the last stanza was my favorite bit. I love that, the image of wandering through libraries to find something that speaks to you, to find reason and purpose, but just memorizing things. I like it the best because it was much more concrete, but still wonderfully symbolic and well-written.

Really love it, keep it up!

Hello, Monsters! I'm here to review!

Wow! I really like this! Your imagery is vivid, and you definitely get your point across. It's quite lovely.

That being said, there are a few things you could change to make this good poem even better.

I notice that, while you have lots of imagery, you also have a lot of words in between the images. In poetry, less is more. Shall we examine the first two lines?

With a look she can summon these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples,

with a look, she summons snakes
that swivel through my veins so fast they ripple

Her name sounds like a mantra in my head,
a record spinning so fast that it flies off the table;
its creating tornadoes in its wake,

With a look she can summon these snakes that

Fishes can weave through their guts because it floods

Now, I can find myself pacing in the isles of libraries,

And her pictures lately have been galaxies,
I’ve been drawing the nothing that’s inside me

And her pictures lately are galaxies;
I'm drawing the nothing that’s inside me

With a look she can summon these snakes that
Swivel through my veins so fast they make ripples
Tearing into me, creating wounds that cannot be healed:
Happy wounds that flow through my body in iterations.
Her name sounds like a mantra in my head,
a record spinning so fast that it flies off the table;
it's creating tornadoes in its wake,
Devastation running through the town in metaphors,
Throwing cows into the ground so fast they are Gobbledygook.
Fishes can weave through their guts because it floods
The grounds of the worlds she creates in my head.

I can’t imagine something as perfect as her,
So I edged parts of my memories in her skin.
I can’t remember her, like she’s in(?)tangible--
My head is not a conductor of binary,
And even if it was, I could not replicate
her through ones and zeros.
She is a pixel that’s infinitely more precise then all others,
She is a three, an abnormality, a perfection.
She makes things that cannot make sense,
A pattern that fits inside the obstructions of my body.
She made happy wounds that gave me life
That put a 3 in between a 0 and a 1.
Together, we are past logic.
We are exceptions,
Writing and painting new worlds
With infinite happiness.

Lately she draws paintings without clouds,
Because her fingernails are forged into rainbows,
And her pictures lately have been galaxies.
I’ve been drawing the nothing that’s inside me:
A picture frame surrounding a dull gray paper.
I’m surrounded by sweat,
Filling up empty rooms, trying to replicate
Something that cannot be,
Something that made so much sense before.
But it vanishes, and I start trying to dream of a three.
But I am not capable; I’m trying to see her
As if she was waking up next to me.

Now I can find myself pacing in the isles of libraries,
And feeling myself morphed into a fate,
Of understanding life linearly.
I mouth the titles looking for a book to give me purpose
Or an equation that equals a depth
Of greater importance than you and me,
And I about memorized every page.