If there is a morning in our future
it's on the flames in a sunrise
burning us like dreams and poverty
burning us 'til atoms cease to exist,
and burning, burning, burning
'til we have no means left to persist.
Tell me now, am I an architect?
cause I can move my lips
and put colors in my cheeks
so effectively it will make you
think you have a home,
and you will see impressions of happy
faces, of measurements of confidence
a million or so pounds heavy,
as I walk away from your condescending
attitude
and I tell you "I wish I was all bones"
I wish, that even if it made me rattle
and I couldn't march through this world easily
I wouldn't have to deal with fake smiles
as you pretend you are better and
more informed then me.
they told me my purpose
is to hail god and they took me too
church to find him and I couldn't
see him there, I couldn't find him
in the slums, I couldn't see him in my palms
and there was no place inside my head
for a one word answer to everything,
and they demoralized me, they told me
that there was no place inside for empathy
and without god there is no place for me,
anywhere.
and I laugh because I listen
to their own god more than
them.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Greetings, fellow atheist! Would you check out debate.org if you'd like a debate about atheism vs theism? Atheism movement wooo!
Hello Monsters,
Hands down this is one of the best poems I've read on the boards; it's almost intimidating. It's so refreshing that it makes me angry that I don't get to read more stuff like this. Not everything is swell though. This piece is a behemoth; however, it falls from the highest level I've seen from any piece I've seen. The last stanza is so incredibly weak in comparison to the rest that it's hard to believe they are in the same poem. This is not an insult; I have high expectations with such a great poem. It still is one of my favorites...
More specifically, the theme throughout the poem is great. It enlightens where everywhere there is darkness. It's so refreshingly clear; it's like crystal geyser. But the last stanza falls into itself, to the point of being hypocritical. The voice you use to describe god in the finale of the poem is the voice you make fun of during the beginning of the poem. This aspect of humaness is completely uneccessary, and it is arrogantly distracting. All in the worse way possible.
Still. This is one of my favorite pieces. Thank you very much for the pleasure of yellwriting at you about how perfect it could be if the last part was to my expectation. Please don't take it as an insult, really. There are a lot of likes for this poem for a reason. I would like to see more of your material posted; it will inspire me to write more. Thanks again.
Sincerely,
Z
Hey, thank you so much for the review! You mean the last three lines as the last stanza correct? I was also wondering if you could explain the expression of 'falls into itself' if you have the time. I don't really understand what you mean by this and how you would suggest I go about improving this poem.
I know how you feel.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though I must admit I lose the meaning once or twice, or perhaps it has more than one meaning. Either way I really enjoyed your use of sentence breaks to strain emphasis on certain words. A very interesting piece to say the very least, and a good use of punctuation to adhere to the off-beat line work here.
I am very much reminded of an E.E. Cummings poem, because it has a very rhythmic feel but with a much darker, Tennyson-esque substance to the imagery. I don't really have any suggestions, it is well written and enjoyable. Thanks for the read!
Woah, this is really enjoyable to read. Really enjoyable.
This is the poem you made during the workshop, right? People are posting their poems from the workshop are tempting me to post mine. But, well I'll stick to my goal.
I loved how it flowed. I read it about three times already and this is just awesome, good. The first stanza caught my attention and the rest of the poem did its job to sink me into this well-written poem.
"Tell me now, am I an architect?
cause I can move my lips
and put colors in my cheeks
so effectively it will make you
think you have a home,"
Favorite part. The message you bring behind the poem and how you write it, I can't give any more suggestions to make it better, I think. Or is it just me overrating this? But it is a good poem.
And I really, reallly enjoyed reading this.