I’ve designed boxes for my head
but I tear them open because
they are too small and I am afraid
of pathways made with roots,
ending with drop-offs that
have me falling with all the wrong
steps.
I tip-toe forward cautiously
on paved roads for that reason,
because I see mistakes
that hide themselves
in the dirt with footprints
going nowhere.
I find it faster to tread
in straight lines then to
swim festering seas and
climb rugged mountains
quickly.
I am no smarter but I’ve listened
to the ones who found
their way back to pavement
with golden shoes
saying “I wish I would
have done things
differently”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
Hello.
I really enjoyed this poem. You had some great imagery and I liked the meaning behind it. The meaning IS "be careful that the decisions you make are good or you could end up in a place you don't want to be and it'll be hard to get back to the place you do want to be," right?
I'm going to continue reviewing assuming that is the theme.
When you describe the boxes made for your head, I'm not sure how that fits with anything. What kind of boxes are these? What are their purpose? Why have you made/designed them if you're just going to tear them right off? How do they hinder you finding the correct path? I like this detail, and I wish it made sense to me, because it seems very deep and symbolic, but it doesn't.
I liked the sensory detail involving the golden shoes. Again, I'm not quite sure what they symbolize, but I'm guessing it has to do with luck. They were the lucky ones. They made it back when so many people couldn't.
I really like the last part with the "I wish I would have done things differently." This really showed me what the theme was, because I was unsure up to that point. I was too busy worrying over the boxes.
This poem was written very well, I like your capitalization and use of punctuation. Usually I'm not a fan of random line breaks, but in this case it worked pretty well.
Good job.
Keep writing.
~fortis
Hey fortis, thanks for the review. I decided because I respect you as a writer that I would tell you my implied symbols to this, in case you where still wondering.
1. When someone puts a box around their head and walk through life or the "pathway through life" they trip and fall. A box around someone's head is a symbol of ignorance, people who choose not to look ahead of them and make mistakes because they do not see what the world is.
2. the symbol of the golden shoes is success. When someone can come out with golden shoes they have one of the most durable shoes out there and things cannot hurt them like stones ect. They also have value because gold is a commodity that is valuable due to scarcity. You can also think of it as someone coming back from bad decisions and have learned the ability to make gold out of shoes and it symbolizes knowledge which leads to success in walking down the right path.
Thanks for reviewing
Thanks for clearing that up! It makes a lot more sense now.
Hi Monsters,so here is Dark to give review on your poem.
Giving a statement of choices is a creative theme here.And how you provides the meaning of the choices itself at each stanzas.
#I tip-toe forward cautiously
on paved roads for that reason,
because I see mistakes-->You be careful when making a choices because you fear with mistakes.
that hide themselves
in the dirt with footprints
going nowhere.
(I find it faster to tread
in straight lines then to
swim festering seas and
climb rugged mountains
quickly.)-->But I am not sure about these lines.The description is a bit odd to me.
Anyway,I really love the end here;
# ..the ones who found
their way back to pavement
with golden shoes
saying “I wish I would
have done things
differently” --.It gives me something to think about here.So well done and keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
What is odd about the descriptions do you think?
Thanks for the review.
probably because it is too abstract and you do not use commas to make rhyme sounds smoothly here.
Hey!
First thing I want to say is that you have a real gift with metaphors. The imagery of tip toeing, and of dirt footprints with hidden mistakes is genius.
Second thing, in my opinion your first stanza needs some punctuation.
"I’ve designed boxes for my head
but I tear them open because
they are too small and I am afraid
that pathways are made with roots
and ends with drop-offs that
have me falling with all the wrong
steps."
I know grammatically it is correct, and that this might have been a style choice, but I don't think it works. The run on sentence makes it difficult to understand what you're saying, so the paragraph lacks clarity.
Third thing is just a matter of flow. I think in your second stanza the line "I find it to be faster to tread" would probably read better if it said "I find it faster to tread." Then this line would flow better at a similar length to the lines around it. Also, I think you may have meant rugged mountains, rather than rigged.
Your final stanza is classy as all hell. I love it. You write with great finesse, and you should feel pretty awesome about that.