The pain I give myself

DragonWriterFanatic wrote:

Spoiler

This poem was actually inspired by my bird's death, this morning

You can throw me in a dirty pot;
make me into a boiling stew;

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.(very good flow here)

You can toss me in a flaming pit, heat tinkling my skin;
or bury me in a glacier, no air to breath in;(very good lines)

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.(i dont think this should have been repeated)

But alas, my heart shall go on;
never at rest, never asleep.(brilliant)

For I know the pain my heart shelters so willingly and easily
will kill me eventually; one dagger at a time,

slowly, painfully.

It was a really good poem. I could feel the pain as if it was happening to me. I hope you feel better, life will always get better. You're an amazing writer. Keep writing. Good job

I actualy really love this poem, even thought its about your pet (I hope the bird R.I.P) I feel like I can relate to it aswell, I find this incredibly talented poem not insparational but I beleive that most people can relate to this

I think you can add more ideas, try to make them angrier ones. Your theme is pain and anger, thus many ideas could be added. Try to expand your imagination, not everything you write should be related to reality. Try to add more.

emmylou1995 wrote:I think this poem is good, but it could be better. Add more imagery, add emotion. Don't repeat stanzas like you did as well. If you add imagery and line segments and more to this poem, it can be really really good. I liked the last two stanzas but I want even more in them. Give your readers something to think about, something to connect to. Your poem is a little unconnected from your readers, or at least, me. You need to put more in and lengthen it and add more meaning to it. give your readers a connection. Let them understand what is going on. Choose a subject, a person maybe? Or you could use your dead bird. (Sorry, by the way. That sucks) Just add more.
Then you would have a really great poem that your readers could connect to and love to read.
pm me if you have any questions.

You can throw me in a dirty pot;
make me into #FF0000 ">a boiling stew;

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.

You can toss me in a flaming pit, heat tinkling my skin;
or bury me in a glacier, #FF0000 ">with no air to breath in;

I think this poem is good, but it could be better. Add more imagery, add emotion. Don't repeat stanzas like you did as well. If you add imagery and line segments and more to this poem, it can be really really good. I liked the last two stanzas but I want even more in them. Give your readers something to think about, something to connect to. Your poem is a little unconnected from your readers, or at least, me. You need to put more in and lengthen it and add more meaning to it. give your readers a connection. Let them understand what is going on. Choose a subject, a person maybe? Or you could use your dead bird. (Sorry, by the way. That sucks) Just add more.
Then you would have a really great poem that your readers could connect to and love to read.
pm me if you have any questions.