Is there a blatant reason
for your cruel, menacing lies?
They sting like thousands of
bees and ants never could.
The flick across my heart like a
whip; could you lighten your blows?
Why would you lie to me,
your singular friend?
You act like you're popular.
Face it, monster, you aren't.
You haven't yet noticed the disgusted
expressions passing people wear?
You're a pompous book-worm
with nothing but your money left.
I'm the only one who came to you,
forced my way into your heart-
And this is how you repay me?
With these poison filled words?
You're an evil, ugly, cold hearted
demon-thing, you know that?
You pushed me down,
when I never let you fall.
I though we had amazing, fun times
together; like the pond on 13th street.
Does that mean nothing to you, as
you attack me with your sharp words?
I want you out of my life,
you loser. Get out, now.
I'm going to rip apart every
happy photo of us together.
People like you make this
world a terrible place.
When you cried in my arms,
I though you would be my friend.
I guess I was mistaken.
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140,364 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Milkncookies,
I really liked this poem - the emotion was so evident throughout, it really made me feel what you were feeling.
The overall critic i have would be (as the others have expressed as well) to give more a background.
You emphasize your hatred for this 'friend' of yours so much, it really makes the reader want more, and you dont give any relevant information about why you dislike him/her so much.
Other than that i have a few things about the lines....
Is there a blatant reason
for your cruel, menacing lies? - This is a great beginning - it really catches the reader.
They sting like thousands of
bees and ants never could.
The flick across my heart like a
whip; could you lighten your blows? -Put 'whip;' with the first line, instead with the second; this breakage is odd.
Why would you lie to me,
your singular friend?
You act like you're popular.
Face it, monster, you aren't.
You haven't yet noticed the disgusted
expressions passing people wear?
You're a pompous book-worm
with nothing but your money left. -'bookworm' <-- one word.
I'm the only one who came to you,
forced my way into your heart-
And this is how you repay me?
With these poison filled words?
You're an evil, ugly, cold hearted
demon-thing, you know that? -Again, the breakage of the lines is off. Also 'demon-thing' is a little childish sounding, but that's just my opinion.
You pushed me down,
when I never let you fall.
I though we had amazing, fun times
together; like the pond on 13th street. -Breakage. No one can really relate to this line, although i'm sure your 'friend' could. This is where you might add a couple lines explaining...?
Does that mean nothing to you, as
you attack me with your sharp words? -'Nothing' should be changed to 'anything" Good stanza though.
I want you out of my life,
you loser. Get out, now. -i dont think 'you loser' is relevant here.
I'm going to rip apart every
happy photo of us together.
People like you make this
world a terrible place.
When you cried in my arms,
I though you would be my friend. -Good.
I guess I was mistaken. -Perfect Ending to me.
I'm not trying to be harsh - sorry if i was!!
I just think this piece has a lot of potential in it and i want to see it all tidied up and perfect!
Keep on writing!
-PurpleHeart
Hello! ^_^
Nitpicks:
- Ooh, I love it! I love the emotion you put in these lines and how straightforward they are.
- 'bookworm' is only one word.
- There should be a dash connecting 'poison' and 'filled'.
- Dash connecting 'cold' and 'hearted'
- A dash connecting 'demon' and 'thing' is not necessary in my opinion.
- Typo: 'thought'
- It's confusing to compare the 'fun times together' with 'the pond on 13th street'.
- I don't think a comma before 'as' is necessary or should be there.
- Typo: 'thought'
I think this is a really interesting poem. One of the first things that made this interesting in my opinion, is the straightforwardness. The first 2 lines are a killer, especially when you just started reading the poem. It catches the reader's attention. Unfortunately, the rest of the poem became quite shaky. It's probably because of the (obvious) lack of the poem which is the background story. What caused the 'hate' of the persona? It's the one big thing that's missing. Well, you did a nice job at expressing this 'hate' in words.
Never stop writing!
I can't relate to this at all. What is the 13th at the lake? I have no idea what you are talking about. Make it a lot more relateable.
I don't think you should keep it general, however you should put more description into this so the reader has an idea about what happened.
The line breakage also is a problem. There is no reason for it sometimes, just whenever you seemed like you wanted to break it off. It confuses the reader.
I hope this helped and I do like the poem.
Hey Milkncookies!
I'm not sure how serious you were about this poem, or if you just wrote it to let off some steam. Honestly, I've never been a fan of the teenage drama genere of poetry, so I think that you should maybe erase all elements of your poem that make it seem that way. That's just me. I think that you should make this more relateable to just about anyone who reads this. Instead of your poem being about your lonely freind who crossed you and now has nobody, make it general about a friend you thought you had, but did not. The key to being deep and descriptive without being specific is using a whole lot of metaphors. Well, that's all the criticizm I have. Keep up the good work!
-Alex