Young Writers Society

This is beautiful!!! Wow, you did an amazing job here. The last stanza is, by far, the best, I think. But I liked the entire thing! The other reviewers did nice jobs with detailed work, so I can't really add much, but I really enjoyed this piece. Keep up the great work!!!! Keep writing!!!

You opened up the poem really well I really liked these lines

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.
My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

W. O. W. That was was wcked amazing. My favorite line was "i think ill keep that lat one/the one where you hit my heart" loved it!!!! There are a few typos. you shouldprobably fix those. But other than that, it is a great poem.

I really liked this poem - there were some points you could have improved on, but overall, it was good. There's not much I can say that hasn't been already covered, except that you have a really good sense of rhythm. I've coloured the stanzas I particularly liked green.

MilkNCookies wrote:#00BF00 ">I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of your come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

#00BF00 ">How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear.

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

#00BF00 ">I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat.

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.

My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure #FF0000 ">in (the 'in' should be 'is') unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of #FF0000 ">your ('you', not 'your') come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was #FF0000 ">made out of fear. #FF0000 ">made doesn't feel quite right. Maybe 'said out of fear'?

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, #FF0000 ">its (it's, not its, because it's a contraction of 'it is'.) all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat. #FF0000 ">This line doesn't quite work. It needs to be either "Remember that you're a pathetic evil cheat." or "Remember that, you pathetic evil cheat."

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

I give.
by MilkNCookies on Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:00 pm

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.

My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of #FF0000 ">your come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear.

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat.

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.