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140,364 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Hey, M&C.
Hehe, not really... Unless you want the narrator to kill the guy she loves due to mad jealousy... Do you kind of get what I mean though? I think you should somehow put your own unique style to this so that any clichéness is taken away.
Please remember that I know sod all about poetry, so this review may be lacking slightly... a lot. Nonetheless, I will at least try to give you something helpful so that you can work on this. If you have any questions or anything after this review, be sure to let me know by PM, a comment on my wall or whatever.
What I liked about this was that at the beginning, you had a pretty positive atmosphere. The narrator seemed happy enough, and then you sort of twisted it. The more the poem went on, the more negative it began to feel. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for, but even if it wasn't, it's a good effect. I also thought that this flowed smoothly, and I think that's always very important, especially in poetry.
Because I suck at poetry, I am struggling a bit at critiques... but I will come up with something. Hmmm... okay. The first thing that popped out at me was that although I think this poem is nicely written, it is pretty cliché. It's the classic, I love you, but you don't even know I exist kind of thing. Just because something's cliché, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad, but you do have to be careful with it. On one hand, this is good because it is something people can relate to, but on the other hand, it is a bit overused.
What I'd suggest for you to do is put your own twist on this somehow. Because I'm useless, I can't really suggest much to you, but there's bound to be a way you can do it. If not, you should try and put some uniqueness to this. Maybe you could create some wonderful, unique imagery, or do something like add a twist at the end of the poem... Like someone dying!
Other than that, there's nothing that stands out to me. I'm so sorry this hasn't been much help, M&C... This is why I avoid doing poetry reviews. Skins + Poetry Reviews = Fail. With any luck though, I've helped you out a little bit, or at least made you think about one or two things.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
This isn't much of a review.
All I wanted to say is I really, REALLY like this
It actually explains exactly how I feel about someone right now...
I really like how you give us little glimpses into the way the speaker feels about him/herself.
"You haunt my dreams; Am
I even a shadow in yours?" --LOVE this