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Young Writers Society



Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 4.1

by Mea


A/N: For those who are new, Ayda is a fairy and Madeline is a human from our world. Ayda is taking Madeline to Crescent Moon to help her get back to our world. They've just been attacked by a Shade and are rather on edge.

Madeline and Ayda didn’t reach the town, a small collection of houses with a thriving marketplace and inn, until well after dark, but after the attack neither of them so much as suggested setting up camp and arriving the next morning.

“I’ll go in and get your cloak,” Ayda said as they approached the gate. She was flying again, and they were traveling on the road. Now that it was after dark and they were far away from Nikka, they were less worried about Madeline’s appearance or any search parties that may have been sent to retrieve Ayda.

Madeline shook her head. “I don’t care if I’m stared at. I don’t want to be left in the dark alone in the forest.”

“We’re going to have to camp out here anyway. I don’t have enough money for an inn.” Ayda pointed out.

“I just want to sleep inside the wall,” Madeline insisted.

“I know,” Ayda said, rubbing her forehead, weary. “But we’ll be much more comfortable outside. We’ll be near enough that if there’s trouble, someone will come. And it’ll be hard to find us in the dark.”

“I’m still coming inside with you.”

Ayda looked more closely and realized the poor girl was shaking slightly. “All right,” she finally said, and laying a steadying hand on Madeline’s shoulder, they walked into the town together.

The darkness helped. The shopkeeper they bought the cloak and a canteen for Madeline from was an elm dryad, and Ayda knew he could tell that Madeline was not any form of dryad. He eyed them shrewdly, and Ayda hurried him through the purchase, wary of his discerning eye. But as they turned to leave the shop, he spoke.

“Your business is your own, of course,” he said. “But I’d be mighty curious to find out what a human and a fairy are doing together here in Crowbury, considering that there haven’t been any humans in Arvania for a thousand years.”

Madeline froze, and Ayda’s stomach churned. “Come on,” she hissed to Madeline, prodding her out the door.

Madeline donned her cloak as soon as they were outside, but the secret was out, and Ayda wished she understood the reason for the dread that churned inside of her at the thought of who that shopkeeper might tell. She redoubled her efforts and coaxed Madeline into agreeing to sleep outside, to minimize the chance of more people seeing her.

They made their camp on the eastern side of the town, where the forest met the wild plains. Madeline curled up on the grass, using her cloak as a pillow, but her whole body was rigid and she flinched at every noise.

Ayda approached the girl slowly. Brushing back a strand of her hair, she whispered into Madeline’s ear.

“The stars are beautiful tonight. The new moon give the darkness needed to see them well. Would you like me to show you our constellations?”

Madeline swallowed and nodded almost imperceptibly. Ever so slowly, she stretched out, rolling over onto her back. Her gaze focused on the stars, and she gave a tiny gasp of wonder.

Ayda slipped her tiny hand into Madeline’s large one, which rested on her chest. “This is my favorite part of traveling,” she whispered. “Sleeping under the stars.”

One by one, she traced out all the constellations she knew, naming them and explaining their shape. Inch by inch, Madeline relaxed beside her, her breathing slowing to be easy and calm. After a time, there simply didn’t seem to be a need for words anymore, and Ayda trailed off, content to watch the heavens with her friend.

A moment or an age later, Madeline stirred. “I’m really not on Earth anymore, am I?” Her voice was quiet and wistful. “Even the stars are different. More amazing then I’ve ever seen, even when camping. But they’re not mine.”

Madeline’s words struck Ayda. She knew Erinore’s and Neleluna’s stars just as well as she knew Arvania’s, but did that make them all hers, or none of them? And was her home the open road, or did she have no home at all?

“Madeline,” she finally said, “There’s so much to explore here and I know because I’ve spent my whole life exploring it. There’s so much I could show you, if you wanted to stay.”

Ayda fixed her eyes on Relis, the star on which oaths were sworn. “But I know you don’t, and so, Madeline, I swear to you, no matter what it takes, I’ll see you make it home.”

Madeline smiled, still staring up at the stars. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “I almost wish I could stay.”

-

They woke with the sun the next morning, broke camp, and began the second half of their journey. Ever eastward they hurried, hardly speaking, the memory of the Shade’s attack driving them forward mile after mile. They passed many folk both Big and Little, but spoke to none of them. And was it Ayda’s imagination, or did the folk they passed seem a little more hurried, a little more wary?

On another endless hour. They didn’t stop for lunch, eating the last crumbs in Ayda’s pack as they walked. There were no berries to pick or mushrooms to find here, across the open plains.

Ayda should have loved it, and in some ways she did, glorying in the open plains and the wide sky. But always in the back of her mind lurked the sense that something sacred about the Arvanian wilds had been violated, and now the only thing to do was rush onwards and tell the Lord and Lady at Crescent Moon.

It was nearing dusk when they reached the outskirts of Moonwater — Madeline’s pace had slowed steadily over the past hour, and Ayda didn’t have the heart to urge her on. Her own wings were weary, and her bruised back ached every time she changed direction.

Almost alone of the crowd, they turned left at the crossroads instead of streaming over the bridge and into the brightly lit city, turned and began climbing the hill to Crescent Moon. An oasis of trees in the middle of the grasslands, it like Moonwater was walled and gated.

As they got closer, Ayda squinted, trying in the failing light to make out the gates and the guards that stood in front of them. She blinked in surprise, then rubbed her eyes. The light had to be playing tricks on her. Her sense of scale was completely wrong — the tree trunks seemed to spiral high above the wall, but this was no fairy city. Trees just didn’t grow to be that size. She had seen dryad-worked trees, but this…

They glowed in the evening light, a hundred little lights shining through the leaves. Did people live up there?

“Are those real?” Madeline whispered to her, craning her neck to stare at the trees.

Ayda nodded. “I’d known there were dryad-grown trees here, but I never knew they could grow this large.”

“State your name and your business here,” a rough voice interrupted them. Ayda tore herself away from the splendor. The voice belonged to one of the centaur guards. His face was shaven, but his arms were muscular and he held a long spear.

“I am Ayda Mossfrost, of Nikka,” Ayda said. “And this is Madeline.”

Madeline pulled her hood back, shaking out her shoulder-length hair. “I’m a human,” she told the guard. “And we’re here to see if there is a way for me to get home.”

His eyes widened as he took in Madeline. She unclasped the cloak at his request and let it fall to the ground so he could see her more clearly. For long moments, he stared at her as if trying to see into her soul. Ayda hovered, impatient.

Finally, he nodded. “Your magic makes it clear — you are no dryad, nor any species of the Three Kingdoms. We have been expecting you. Please, a moment.”

He turned aside and gestured wildly with his hands as if he was writing something — Ayda thought he was working magic, but she couldn’t be sure. An inky jet shot out and flew straight as an arrow into the heart of Crescent Moon.

“I have sent the Lord and Lady a message,” he explained. “Please, put on your cloak again and come with me. You, too,” he said to Ayda.

Relief swept through Ayda. One obstacle out of the way. Though what did he mean by ‘we’ve been expecting you?’

But then Ayda flew over the threshold of Crescent Moon and forgot her worries.

The path that led down the center of Crescent Moon was lined with saplings coated in moonmoss, rarer and more difficult to grow than firemoss. Its soft blue hue cast a otherworldly light across the lane. Ayda felt as if she was stepping into a fourth Kingdom, more strange and magical than any she had seen before. The magic here electrified the air — Ayda could feel it tingling through her body, like a fizzy drink she had once bought in Neleluna.

She counted at least six enormous trees, towering over the others. They were set further back from the main road, with their own network of paths lacing around them. Each stretched up into the heavens, so tall that mist obscured the lowest branches, but from the glimpses Ayda caught through the smaller trees, the trunks of the great trees were buildings. Dryad-sized, not fairy-sized.

Beside her, she knew Madeline was just as awed. All around them were people of every kind, Big and Little. Old centaurs clopped softly along the dirt paths with a distant expression on their face, while young foals chased dryad children around the trees. A group of leprechauns and gnomes spoke softly to each other underneath a hickory tree, and high up in the branches Ayda was sure she saw a few fairies flitting around, their wings reflecting the firemoss lanterns that lit the other paths.

But at a soft call from Madeline, Ayda turned and realized she was lagging behind. She hurried to catch up, but almost stopped dead in the air when she saw what they were approaching.

It must have been the center tree, the main Hall, the heart of Crescent Moon and all scholarship in Arvania. The trunk itself was wide enough to house a large room, but in addition — it was as if the whole tree had been carved by a expert sculptor; it was as if the roots and low branches had grown and twisted themselves in just the right way to form walls and windows and door frames that surrounded the massive trunk so that two sprawling wings branched off from the main tree. Windows dotted the trunk as high up as Ayda could see. Both moonmoss and firemoss shone through, the blue and the orange casting beautiful shadows over the leaves.

The main entry, twice as tall as Madeline, was still dwarfed by the roots of this vast tree. Inside, a spiral staircase ran up the trunk and half a dozen doors were set along the sides, but their guide took Ayda and Madeline directly across the hall, to the largest pair of dark oak doors.

A dryad aide stood by the doors. “They’re ready for you,” she said.

Ayda flew a little closer to Madeline. “Let’s do this,” she whispered.

Madeline nodded and pushed open the heavy doors.


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16 Reviews


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Wed Aug 23, 2017 12:16 pm
ChocoDanish wrote a review...



would love to see the parents in your story more. also I understand about the size gap now since ayda always travel she must have interact with big folk and learn about the size gap. why is crescent moon so famous? aren't there any other famous guilds? what if crescent moon is actually bad? sorry for the last part it just a thought. Again about the security, since there are attacks from shades shouldn't there be mention of higher security or something. what about the contest?




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:05 pm
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deleted221222 wrote a review...



Awake now to begin reviewing the rest of your novel.

The over explanations that were present in your first chapter seems to be having a relapse here. Not really a problem, but it does get repetitive.

I'm really starting to see Madie as the little guy in a big world trope. It's not necessarily a bad thing though since it's mostly used in video games and not in novels. And like I said before, her chemistry with Ayda is great. The dryad that sold them the cloak is a bit like Ayda from before, where he doesn't seem to be that interested in a species that pretty much died out.

At least they reached Crescent Moon. It'd be nice to see more of the journey, but hey, you're not writing a multi-novel epic like I am, so it's understandable. The fact that the guards were expecting Madie intrigued me, so I can't wait to see what happens next.

Finally seeing Crescent Moon is also pretty nice. I liked how you described the city so vividly, how Ayda was so surprised that everything was dryad sized, and how there were many different species around. I just have to wonder though, you said that Crescent Moon was connected to the other realms, and Ayda has gone to other realms, so why aren't there any creatures from said other realms. Just a thought.

Overall, it's another contestant for your most average chapter. While things don't really get done, it's getting somewhere at least. Insert a Mixing Magic reoccurring gag, and this review is done.




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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:03 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hello again ~

The new moon give the darkness needed to see them well.

Huh?

On another endless hour. They didn’t stop for lunch, eating the last crumbs in Ayda’s pack as they walked.

I'm not sure what the first sentence means.

Almost alone of the crowd, they turned left at the crossroads instead of streaming over the bridge and into the brightly lit city, turned and began climbing the hill to Crescent Moon. An oasis of trees in the middle of the grasslands, it like Moonwater was walled and gated.

I agree with Dragon below me that this paragraph doesn't make a lot of sense. For one, I was under the impression that they were totally alone on the plains, but all of a sudden crowds and a bridge and a city are mentioned.

His face was shaven, but his arms were muscular and he held a long spear.

Why the "but?" xD

I see that most reviewers are critiquing your descriptions, so let's talk about that! Paragraphs of descriptions look daunting to the reader, so making them as concise as possible is preferable. But I personally love descriptions, and I love writing them and having fun describing scenes! Look for ways to use more colorful similes and clever metaphors and make these paragraphs of descriptions actually beautiful to read. Since in this chapter we're dealing with mostly descriptions of nature or at least of things outside, employ nature-related diction.

Let's look at these two sentences:
She counted at least six enormous trees, towering over the others. They were set further back from the main road, with their own network of paths lacing around them.

In red are words that struck me as not fitting in with this natural diction. "Towering" I assume is a verb that comes from the height of a tower, which is man-made. "Network" makes me think of the internet or a complicated business. I also chose "set further back" just because it's wordy and could use a better and simpler verb, something like "sprouted."

I love the stargazing scene. Ayda and Madeline's relationship is so sweet! I'm looking forward to seeing what the Lord and Lady know already about Madeline!




Mea says...


Ooh, your suggestions for descriptions are great. :D



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Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:59 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi Mea! Stopping for a review on this one (I know I've been mostly reading).

Yay, they've arrived at Crescent Moon! It's different from what I was imagining but now that they're here it feels perfect and that it fits in wonderfully. I love the very magic feel-y descriptions (like fairies wings reflecting firemoss lanterns - that just is beautiful and makes it feel surreal).

One problem I have, though, is the amount of description - it feels like it's almost /too/ much. It could be just me, but I lose interest pretty quickly when there are lots of descriptions. And they're important because the set the scene, but for me, too much makes me read in that glazed over way (where you're reading something but not actually comprehending anything). Maybe some questions running through Ayda's mind can help break the lots of description - or even more dialogue.

When Ayda sees the heart of Crescent Moon, kind of like a sculptor, there's not really a particular action that shows awe or surprise or something like that from Ayda. Since she loves sculpting so much it would make sense for her to be amazed about that (a bit of a small thing, though).

I'm really enjoying this. Also wondering, along with Ayda, what they meant by "we've been expecting you". A bit ominous, a bit cool. Gotta find out!

~EternalRain




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Thu Jul 13, 2017 2:54 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



So they have finally. Finally. Reached Crescent Moon.

The exchange between them--under the sky--was so friendly and peaceful and sweet. It's one of those quiet moments between characters. It's when they're so scared but they manage to find peace that instant <3. I'd say that's one of the moments that will stick with those characters for a looong time.

So Crescent Moon is beautiful. I'm assuming Ayda has NEVER ever visited Crescent Moon. I know that showing its beauty is paramount to setting the scene, but I'm not too fond of the chunks(and I'm tempted to put descriptions for EVERY single place my characters go to xD). Because of the chunks of the description, I suggest for Ayda to interact more with the setting, such as 'running her hands across the trunk of the dryad-sized trees'. I really like the fact that you engaged three senses in your description--see, hear, feel--but perhaps it would be nice if you included smells, maybe. But then there's a danger of dropping into every-single-detail descriptions, so...

Perhaps I'd like to see more of what makes Crescent Moon that makes it starkly stand out (I do see it, but I'm rather picky). I've seen dryad-sized trees, moonmoss, but then I would like to feel the atmosphere. I know the magic. But perhaps being a little more selective and concise about the details--to pick the ones that really enhance the atmosphere--would be nice, perhaps.

I'm very curious as to why the centaur was expecting them. I'm also thinking that perhaps the peace in Crescent Moon could be a contrast to whatever is going on. I'm trying to guess why, and I've come to the guess that the Lord and Lady may be asking, "How can somebody even enter the Three Kingdoms?" And perhaps that woman who managed to find a way in is causing them to worry!

One thing I noticed was that Ayda wasn't thinking about the sculpture contest in Crescent Moon :P. Maybe she wouldn't think about it when they were inside, but there's no doubt that it might cross her mind the closer she approaches to the city. Because that is The reason (other than Madeline) she wants to go?

Quite all-over-the-place but I hope this helped! Ask if you have any questions :)




Mea says...


Concise descriptions are not my strong point, so I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks as always. <3



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Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:56 am
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DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



You said to tear this to pieces, I'll try to do my best XD

So, the first thing that I wanted to mention was that I agree, the interaction between Ayda and Madeline is very sweet ^.^ . It's well done and the fear feels real. You get a good sense that despite how calmly Madeline has been accepting stuff and handling things, she still is very much a child. The details of the stars was a nice touch and I liked the idea of a star that people swore oaths by. The first part of the passage was in general pretty strong.

In the end part, once they reach Crescent Moon, things became a little less clear. I think a little more imagery could be added to help capture the beauty of Crescent Moon and I have a few questions. I'm curious suddenly about how the governing of this world works. Crescent Moon, which is very close to the capital, has it's own Lord and Lady. I'm sure this will be explained further, and I vaguely remember suddenly feeling like I've asked this before. If this is the case, sorry about that. Anyway, yeah, that's just something that I'm wondering about now. The centaur bringing up Madeline's magic also made me curious about how the magic can be sensed and seen by them. I believe you described it in the previous draft, but I don't think there's been a description in this one yet.

Besides that, grammar and sentence structure gets a bit weird in parts, it's a minor issue and nothing a quick read through can't fix. This paragraph in particular confused me:

Almost alone of the crowd, they turned left at the crossroads instead of streaming over the bridge and into the brightly lit city, turned and began climbing the hill to Crescent Moon. An oasis of trees in the middle of the grasslands, it like Moonwater was walled and gated.


The part where Ayda suddenly gets a bit of an existential crisis about the stars being hers, and where her home is has a lot of potential, but felt a bit rushed and sudden the way you wrote it here. I feel like it could be written in a way that could be felt deeper and have Ayda have a little bit more deliberation than a single paragraph gives her.

So, this review has been a bit disjointed, but here are some of my last, random thoughts: I'm now wondering what significance the dryad seeing Madeline will have, since that suddenly seems really important. I'm also curious about what effect Nova seeing Ayda leaving is going to have later on. Since they didn't run into them on the journey there, I feel like it will be important later. Details like that don't just pop up for no reason.

Keep up the amazing writing!




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Thu Jul 13, 2017 3:47 am
GinaERufo wrote a review...



Hello :) I only read the first part of this, and this one, but even though I don't know what happens in between, I though I would review this one since I figured you were still online and I wanted to get it in before I went to sleep.

I didn't see many grammatical errors or anything, so my review is going to be pretty positive :). So, I found your characters very likeable, and the ending was a good cliff hanger, and I look forward to reading the continuation of your story. Good job!




Mea says...


Thank you for the review!



GinaERufo says...


of course! :)




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