They traveled northwest, away from Nikka. Nobody spoke; Tel’s hooves clopped along behind and the wagon creaked, but the forest itself was eerily silent and Ayda sensed a disquiet from the trees.
The sun had sunk beneath the treetops when the wagon stopped alongside a gully. A wide, flat outcropping hung over it. Ayda dipped into her magical vision and recognized it as a ley point. So Nadra’s base wasn’t in Arvania — it had to be Neleluna. She supposed that made sense, since that was the Shades’ kingdom.
The sleek-furred leader created the portal, and the wagon trundled through. Sound stopped, nothingness enclosed them, and then they were through. Ayda flew to the top of her cage, craning to see ahead of them. She gasped.
A castle loomed, tall and foreboding, made of a polished stone that seemed to suck light in. It was a single tower with a circular wall around it, jutting up from the forest like an arrow sticking out of a wound.
And Ayda had never heard of it. Something like this… it had to be famous. She knew they were close to a small city, and she knew that city had had nothing like this nearby when she’d passed through it with her parents last. Had Nadra built it in these few short weeks?
She swallowed. They were headed directly towards the entrance, where the portcullis was already raised. Welcoming them.
Madeline was helped out of the wagon and Tel was untethered. His head hung low and his sides were lathered with sweat after trotting behind the wagon, hobbled, for so long.
One of the Shades used his tail to take Ayda’s cage by the handle at the top and lift it. It swayed sickeningly. She jiggled the lock, something she hadn’t dared do in the wagon but it held firm. What would happen if they didn’t let her out? The knife in her boot pressed into her ankle. Could she use it to pick the lock?
They climbed stone steps, crossed a courtyard, and reached huge wooden doors, which two more Shades slowly pushed open.
The stone room was large, and intricate carvings adorned the equidistant pillars that supported the high ceiling. A grand wooden staircase curved along the wall to reach the next floor. In the center of the room was a wide, circular table. At that table were two chairs, and in one sat a woman.
The woman in the chariot back in Crescent Moon. Nadra. Here, in her own domain, she was dressed immaculately, wearing a red dress that was cut low in the front and a necklace with a strange charm shaped like a well. The Well? Her black hair was done up in a neat bun. A thin sword hung at her side.
She was poring over what looked like a series of maps and notes, strewn across the marble table. She hardly glanced up as they came in.
“Ah, good, you’re here,” Nadra said, distracted. Then she paused and shook her head, looking up at the prisoners and their guards as if just remembering who they were. “It is you. I’ve found you. At last.” A weight seemed to lift from her shoulders.
“What are you going to do with me?” Madeline was trembling.
Nadra blinked. “Do with you? Why, child, I don’t want to do anything with you. I need your help, and I owe you an explanation.” She stood up. “Cya!”
The commanding Shade snapped to attention.
“Loose them. Let the fairy out too.”
Ayda’s hand went to her bracelet. The Shade swung her cage forward, and a second later Ayda was free. She darted out before Nadra could change her mind, flying high near the ceiling. She only relaxed when she could see the whole room laid out before her. Below her, Madeline and Tel’s bonds were severed with a few flicks of a Shade’s claws.
She could dive down, get Madeline to activate the talisman, and seize the element of surprise. But some instinct held her back. Not yet.
Tel stretched his wings and Ayda heard him hiss in pain. The ropes had left welts that cut deep into his wings and legs.
Nadra looked at him, and something flickered in her eyes. “What are your names?”
“Madeline.”
Ayda flew down so she was only a few feet above Madeline. “Ayda. He’s Tel. And why do you care?”
Nadra didn’t answer. “Cya, have someone take our guest Tel to the accommodations and tend to his injuries. Ayda, go with him. I would speak to Madeline alone.”
“No,” Ayda said. “I want to hear your ‘explanation.’ And don’t pretend we’re guests.” She eased backwards and whispered to Tel. “It’s okay, you can go. If this works, we’ll come get you in a few minutes.”
Tel flicked his ears in acceptance.
Nadra sighed. “Very well. I’ve brought you here forcibly. For an essential purpose, and I shall do my best to be courteous, but I suppose asking the same of you would be too much.” She nodded to Cya, and Tel was led away.
Ayda balled her hands into fists. The nerve Nadra had, after what she’d done. Her fury was tempered by sympathy for Tel. The poor pegasus looked miserable. Hopefully he would actually get some care.
“Have a seat,” Nadra said brusquely, sweeping the maps off the table. Madeline glanced at Ayda, then sat down. Ayda landed next to her. At any moment, she could touch her wrist to Madeline’s. Madeline would activate the talisman, Ayda would shoot forward, and it would all be over.
But Nadra seemed to want to talk. And despite the revulsion Ayda felt every time she looked at the woman, she was curious. What possible reason could this woman have to justify herself? If they waited longer, maybe Nadra’s guard would be let down. She had already dismissed the other Shades.
“If I may ask, what on earth were you doing in Northern Arvania?” Nadra sat poised in that chair like it was a throne. “My sources tell me you were under guard in Vjorin.”
“I was trying to get home,” Madeline said, voice choked. Was she acting? “We hoped that trying it from the ley point I came through would give me a stronger connection.”
Nadra tsked. “Wouldn’t have mattered. There’s no magic there to anchor the portal anyway. Surely you realized that was the problem?”
Madeline said nothing.
The realization dawned on the stately woman. “Oh, but there is magic there. My magic. What I left when I teleported here from Earth. Clever, very clever, but there are better ways of making anchoring a portal easier.”
She waved a hand. “What am I saying? None of that matters. What matters now is why you’re here.” She laced her fingers together and leaned forward. “What do you both of you know about magic? Have they taught you much, Madeline?”
“Some,” Madeline hedged.
“Plenty,” Ayda said. “We can both see magic, and we know you’ve been stealing it. What is it you want, Madeline’s magic?”
Nadra’s eyes flashed. “Don’t get ahead of me. Do you understand why there is no magic on Earth?”
“Something went wrong,” Madeline said. “We were cut off from the Well. They say you did it, but… but why?”
“It was an accident.” Nadra closed her eyes as if in pain, but anger gathered on her face. “I was — I am — a scientist. My experiments were revolutionary. I was changing the world, and far more than any bureaucrat could. But the unicorns — and others, all small-minded and set in their ways — feared me. I had to isolate myself, create servants to protect me.”
Those would be the Shades. The people she was now making commit atrocities.
“It ended at the Well,” Nadra continued. “I was conducting an experiment and had insufficient protection. The unicorns broke through my defenses. We fought, but a spell I cast reacted with the experiment unexpectedly. Earth’s link broke. It was chaos, and in the confusion they cast a spell that sealed me into an inter-dimensional prison.”
Madeline shook her head. “How did you get out? And how are you still alive? It’s been thousands of years.”
Nadra barked a short laugh. “Time is different in pocket dimensions. It’s been twenty years for me.”
“So what?” Ayda folded her arms. “You escaped and now you’re continuing, business as normal. This is business as normal?”
“No,” Nadra snapped. “I am setting right what went wrong. Fixing what I broke.”
“You’re trying to connect Earth to the Well again.” Madeline’s head shot up and she sat back at the realization. “That’s why you need so much magic.”
“Yes,” Nadra said softly. “And I will need your magic — the only other human magic currently in existence — as a guide for the spell. In five days, we will travel to the Well together and put things right.” Was that a tear in her eye? She had to be lying. There was no way she could actually do something like that.
“You’re insane,” Madeline whispered.
Nadra shot to her feet, slapping the table with a crack that echoed through the room. “Think about it, Madeline. I know my Shades took a talisman bag from you. I know you’ve been using the powers you’ve been denied your whole life. You’ll lose them when you go home. Your magic will fade until it is gone, dispersed, and you are empty, just how every other human in existence is living right now. Except for you and me. Can you really deny them the right to their magic?”
She started pacing. “But it’s more than that. You’ve advanced so far — your technology will take me a lifetime of study to understand — and it’s still not enough. I’ve seen your poverty. Your hatred, your wars.”
“And you think magic can stop those?” Ayda was incredulous.
Nadra shot her a glance, as if just remembering she was in the room. “Applied carefully? Yes. Magic and technology together are the heart of progress, of innovation.”
“Carefully?” Madeline shook her head. “Every human being on the planet suddenly discovers they have magic and can teleport to other worlds? It would cause chaos.”
“I will guide you through it.”
Ayda gave a wild laugh. “Like you ‘guided’ us by taking over two of the three Kingdoms? You just want power.”
Nadra met Ayda’s eyes. “I need the magic to fuel the spell I will use.”
“And so you used innocent Shades to take it.”
“Yes. How else could I get enough? I didn’t know my servants would continue on after I was gone. Finding that I could still use them was a stroke of luck.”
“Those are people you’re controlling. You’re getting them killed!”
“Casualties of war,” Nadra snapped. “I’ve gone to every length to minimize casualties. Do you have any idea the logistical problems involved in keeping the entire populations of dozens of cities and towns under guard? I couldn’t have them talking. I could have killed them. But I didn’t. Those who died died because your governments told them to fight back instead of surrendering.”
“What did you think they were going to do when you invaded their homes?” Ayda was shouting now. She seized Madeline’s arm and slid to her magical vision, but the girl didn’t activate the talisman.
Come on! She shot a pleading glance at Madeline. Madeline looked at her, hesitation in her eyes. Shadows, was she actually considering Nadra’s plan?
Then her eyes hardened. Power surged through the girl, and the talisman blazed to life.
Ayda shot forward. Nadra stumbled back, eyes widening, but Ayda was already too close, stretching out to touch Nadra, to grab her arm and hang on —
A curved wall blossomed before her, translucent and purple-tinged but still all too solid. She slammed into it and fell, dazed, to the bottom of the sphere that enclosed her.
I — I failed. She pushed herself up, gasping for breath. I didn’t even touch her, and it’s over.
Nadra stood right in front of her sphere with a raised eyebrow, brushing back a single lock of hair. Behind Ayda, Madeline was encased in a similar sphere.
“Clever,” Nadra approved, looking at Madeline. “Smart of you to hide it on the fairy. Clumsily executed — do you really think I would had the guards leave if I wasn’t confidant I could defend myself? — but clever in concept. Except…” she studied Ayda’s wrist for a moment, analyzing the magic in the talisman, “it would never have worked anyway.”
With a wave of the hand, she dismissed the sphere around Madeline. The girl righted her chair and sat back down, blushing. “What do you mean?”
She should sound more terrified, an irrational part of Ayda thought. We’ve failed…
Without warning, Nadra dismissed the sphere around Ayda. Ayda fell, but Nadra snatched her out of the air, pinning her arms to her sides.
Every muscle in Ayda’s body stiffened, and she started hyperventilating. Nadra’s long fingers held her firmly, crumpling her wings and constricting her chest. A primal terror began to take over, and her vision clouded. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, she could snap me like a twig —
“Oh, calm down, I’m not going to hurt you,” Nadra sighed. Slowly, Ayda forced herself to breathe normally, though she hated just how helpless she was. You never grabbed a fairy, never.
“But you see?” Nadra pulled Ayda’s arm out and eased the talisman off of it. Nothing happened. The talisman was certainly working — Ayda could see it. And Nadra was touching it But it wasn’t affecting Nadra’s magic.
That was the final blow. Everything had gone wrong. How had Ayda been so confident?
“So you do know the natural way to mix magic,” Nadra approved, examining the talisman more closely. “I’m guessing you tried this one one of my Shades? One I sent after you at Crescent Moon?”
Their lack of response seemed to be answer enough for her. “I had to override their magic when I took control, of course. Make them more like my servants of old. But this — ” she gestured to herself and the kaleidoscope of magic within — “this isn’t unnatural. Magic was meant to be mixed. It’s all the same source, after all. One Well, one power.”
“Yes,” Madeline said. “But you’re stealing it.”
“I hate you,” Ayda whispered.
“I’m sorry?” Nadra said.
“I hate you to the stars and back.” Ayda struggled in Nadra’s grip. “First you took my family. Burned my home, and all before I even knew I cared. And then you came for Crescent Moon. Stopped Madeline from going home. Made Cinder kill. Have you seen the refugees? Thousands of people, all driven out like me. Children sleeping alone in some stars-forgotten cave because you took their families and and forced them to flee. What could possibly justify that?”
For a moment, something like remorse flickered in Nadra’s eyes. Then a shutter slammed down and they grew cold. “The salvation of a world. And I tire of you. This matter is between me and Madeline alone. Guards!”
Two Shades entered.
“Put the fairy with the pegasus,” she ordered. “But first…”
Ayda looked up at her, frozen, eyes watering from the brilliance of her magic.
“I’m sorry. But I truly need every drop of magic I can get.” A ghostly tendril shot out of Nadra’s chest and sank into Ayda. Nadra threw back her head and sucked in a sharp breath.
Ayda screamed as her magic drained out of her, screamed until she faded into unconsciousness.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey, Mea! Lupa here for a RevMo review!
Let's get right into it.
1)
Right, so Ayda gasps when she sees Nadra's castle. It's dark, foreboding, everything a villain's castle should be. But when you left the description at the arrow simile, it felt kind of empty to me. I felt like there wasn't enough description to satisfy me. How tall is the wall around the castle? Are there Shade guards standing around it? Anything else sinister about its surroundings? I want to know more about the setting.
2)
Some grammatical errors--nothing huge. There needs to be a "have" between "would" and "had," and "confidant" should be "confident."
3) Although Madeline and Ayda are drifting apart, I'm still not sure why the ending was so cold between them. Like, Ayda is getting her magic taken from her, and Madeline is just watching? I know Nadra is super powerful and all that, but Ayda tried to help Madeline when she got trapped in this magic world, and now Madeline's just letting Nadra take her. I'm kind of shocked by the whole thing. Maybe have Madeline try to help Ayda, but Nadra encase her in that bubble of light thing she did earlier?
Welp, that's all I have for you today! I do enjoy reading this chapters, so you better churn them out, Mea.
Anyway...
I hope my review helped! Keep writing and have a good day/night!
XOX,
Lupa22
Hello again!
)
How could I have read it and forgotten to review?? I saw it sitting in the back of the Green Room. Anyways, on with this review for such an *intense* chapter segment. Including failures and Nadra...and the worst thing in the end.
I think you did a good job with Nadra. She doesn't seem to be the type of villains who commit evil "just because". She does have a purpose, to connect the worlds together (and I wonder if her intention to take over the four worlds...if it is, I hope there is a good reason or it will sound like the villains I often see). It makes sense for her to lose her temper when Ayda starts yelling at her. And I also think she's incredibly selfish and ambitious because she's ruining a lot of people's lives without caring too much. Her story sounds pretty convincing, but Ayda remains very stubborn. I suspect that's a reason Nadra threw her out, so that she could talk to Madeline without getting interrupted often.
I think there isn't any much talking-heads syndrome, but I've noticed that while Nadra gets quite a bit of action beats, I thought that you could add a *little* more for Madeline and Ayda. For example, I would suggest adding an action beat when Madeline tells Nadra that she's stealing magic to achieve her ends. Like leaning forward and putting her elbows on the table. And maybe some description could be wove inside.
I wonder if Tel would have put up more of a resistance when Ayda said he could leave, that Nadra could talk to just Madeline and Ayda. Maybe all the welts he got might have worn him out? I thought it felt odd that he'd leave Madeline and Ayda alone with Nadra--would he try to stick around and hear what she has to say? Or he's too tuckered out to even resist? Or maybe it's out of character for him to resist? But from what I've seen, I imagine he is bold (even joining in this mission is considered bold, isn't it?
/ramble
Anyway, hope this helped and let me know if you have something to say~
-Ink
Hm, maybe I was a bit too quick in getting rid of Tel. I wanted to focus on Madeline and Ayda, but the scene might be more interesting with him in it.
Hi! So apparently I need to write one more review and by happy coincidence you appear to have another chapter in the Green Room!
This paragraph is clunky because the sentences are all short and choppy. That works when you're going for a jarring effect but this seems out of place in general description. If you have a look, the sentences are 14, 7, 13, 11 and 11 words long. I'd say one of the earlier sentences is the best to rework.Specifics
1.
2. I think 'she gasped' could be more interesting. It doesn't really tell us enough about her emotional state - it suggests shock but not horror/ despair. People can gasp in both positive and negative situations so it's maybe not setting the right tone here. Perhaps something like 'Her throat tightened' or 'A shiver ran up her spine'. So I'm throwing the cliches in at the moment but maybe fairies have a different reaction to horror. Maybe her wings could feel cold or something?
3.
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Overall
Exciting! The best kind of bad guys are the ones truly convinced that they are doing a good thing so this is a really strong confrontation and it makes Nadra seem very human. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to dislike her or not but her justification doesn't make up for her actions so I think not. Doing something wrong and then doing more bad things to try and right the original mistake is never a good idea!
It feels like there are a lot of unanswered questions here though - why would the magic have never worked and why is Nadra so determined that the humans need to have magic back? If it's really so important, is she angry that the other races didn't try to fix it? I'd have thought that's a good in-road for her with Madeline - to point out that 20 years have passed and nobody has tried/ been able to put the magic back so she had to do it herself.
I feel a little bad for Ayda but I'm also interested to see how this gets resolved!
All thebest,
~Heather