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Young Writers Society



Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 10.2

by Mea


The attack came just as the canyon was opening into the valley. A pegasus, flying high overhead, saw them, and he wheeled around and flew behind a hill.

“They’ve seen us,” Cinder said. “Be ready.”

“For what?” Madeline asked.

A shadow fell across Ayda, and the downdraft of a pair of massive wings almost knocked her out of the air. Two ice dragons were swooping down on them, flashing silver in the sun. The pegasus followed behind.

“Look out!” Ayda dove to the side. Frost spewed out of the dragons’ mouths, a wave of super-concentrated cold aimed directly at her friends. Madeline and Cinder leapt away. Spikes of ice crystalized where the dragon’s breath hit.

“We come in peace!” Madeline screamed desperately. “He’s not evil!” But the dragons were too high up to hear her.

I have to stop them! Ayda shot upwards, panting heavily. The dragons were circling around for another attack. “We’re friends!” she shouted. “We seek refuge!”

She flew too close and was blasted backwards by their wings. The world spun around her, ground becoming sky and vice versa. She managed to right herself, fuming. What could she do? To the dragons, she was little more than an irksome fly.

Madeline had her hands up and Cinder had sank onto his belly, clear signs of surrender, but the dragons were swooping down again. Ayda dodged between them and pulled up in front of the pegasus, who was hanging back to watch the fight. “Listen to me! Call off your friends!”

He noticed Ayda for the first time, recoiling in surprise.

“We just want to talk.”

He eyed her, then gave a long, shrill neigh. The dragons pulled up immediately.

“Lady, what are you doing with that?” he said, nodding to Cinder. “And who’s the funny-looking dryad?”

Ayda felt her ears go hot. “His name is Cinder. We broke the spell over him. He’s perfectly safe. And the girl is Madeline, the only human in all the Three Kingdoms. We barely escaped alive from Crescent Moon, and now we come to tell your leaders what we know. Unless you don’t want us, that is.”

The two dragons flew up to Ayda and the pegasus. “What was that about?” one of them complained. “You don’t have the authority to call off attacks. They’ve got a Shade with them!”

The pegasus puffed his chest out. “This young lady here says they’re from Crescent Moon. And that the Shade’s in control of himself. They want to help.”

“What help could we gain from you? Even if you are who you say you are,” said the other dragon. She looked Ayda up and down, unimpressed, and her lips curled back into a sneer.

“Sylvia’s right,” the other dragon said. “The finest military minds in the Three Kingdoms are leading the assault. What could you add?”

Ayda wanted to curl her hands into fists and punch the two derisive dragons right in the nose, but she knew she needed to win them over, and fast. “We got out of Crescent Moon alive. Cinder was being controlled by her. We know how she’s getting her power, we know her plans, and we know how to stop her. Madeline — the girl — is human. So is Nadra. Her magic is the key we need to defeat that piece of root-rot.”

This seemed to convince the pegasus. He looked at the other guards. “I could fly them to the city,” he offered. “One scout short won’t make much difference.”

“I’d like to give them a good sniffing first,” said Sylvia. “She’s fine — “ she motioned to Ayda — “but I want to make sure the other two are what she says they are.” Dragons were notoriously good at reading people’s magic.

They flew down to join Madeline and Cinder, the dragons shaking the ground with their landing. Madeline stared at them with a mixture of terror and wonder, and when Sylvia sniffed her, she yelped.

“It’s all right,” said Ayda, laughing a little inside. “They’re going to take us to King Avantor.”

“Are they fine?” asked the pegasus impatiently.

“I suppose so,” said Sylvia reluctantly. “The Shade’s magic is clear. What’s the charm for?”

Cinder’s ears twitched. “It shields me from Her.”

“Climb on,” said the pegasus, kneeling down so Madeline and Cinder could mount. Ayda settled on Madeline’s shoulder. The pegasus rose to his feet gracefully and took off with a sweep of his powerful wings. Madeline seized his mane.

“You’re perfectly safe,” the pegasus called back to them. “We never let riders fall.”

“What’s your name?” Ayda shouted over the roar of the wind.

“Tel. I didn’t catch yours.”

“I’m Ayda.”

“Nice to meet you all. How did you escape Crescent Moon?”

“Ran. Madeline made a portal here,” said Ayda.

“One of the lucky ones.” Tel shook his head. “Well, you have my condolences.”

Ayda forced herself not to be irritated at him. “Were there many survivors?”

“More than in the smaller towns. The fighters gave everyone time to evacuate.”

Ayda swallowed. At the cost of their lives.

They rounded a hill and Vjorin was revealed. It sparkled in the rising sun, light glinting off a hundred thousand facets. Ayda had never seen the city from the air — she had always come through the portal in the center. The sight took her breath away just like the first time.

Vjorin was a city made of jewels. Buildings made of emeralds, rubies, and other precious stones spiked high into the sky, isolated by roads paved with black opals. Built into cliff was a palace of pure diamond, too bright to look at.

“How is that even possible?” Madeline breathed.

“Dwarves can change rocks into into gems.” Ayda was still awestruck. “They’re not exactly the same as truestones, though.”

“They’re still beautiful.”

“The diamond palace is truestone,” Tel shouted back to them. “The number one wonder of the Three Kingdoms, right here in Erinore.”

Legend said that when Erinore first opened official relations with Arvania, the dwarves gave every diamond they had to their most powerful jewelers, who built a stunning palace around the portal to celebrate the formation of a bond harder than any material in either Kingdom.

Moments later, Tel crested the top of the cliff, and the palace sprawled out beneath them, a series of open-air terraces, with beautifully carved marble floors and tall pillars that served as the only separation between rooms. Dozens of dragons, both fire and ice, crouched below. The sheer scale stopped Ayda in her tracks.

“Now if you ask me,” Tel said, and though Ayda couldn’t see his face, she could imagine his proud, cocky grin, “this here qualifies as a wonder all by itself. I’d give you guys a tour, but I can’t stay long. I’ll just take you to the petitioners’ rooms and see if I can get you in quick.”

They swooped over a large, flat patch of ground on the edge of a terrace. Tel flew lower and lower, skimming the ground until he had slowed enough to put his hooves down and come skidding to a halt.

Cinder sprang off, every hair on his body bristling. He muttered something about hating flying. Ayda resisted the urge to laugh. Flying was more natural than breathing.

Tel explained the situation to two of the largest dragons Ayda had ever seen, one Fire, one Ice. They had a good look at Madeline and were forced to agree she wasn’t a dryad. But instead of letting them in to see the king, they sent Tel to the petitioners and told Ayda and the others to wait there.

When Tel came back, his tail was swishing in annoyance. “Sorry guys,” he said. “Best I could get you is tomorrow afternoon. But trust me, that’s priority. You might’ve been waiting three weeks or more.

“Anyway, I did get you some rooms down in Vjorin. You’re honored guests, since Nadra wants Madeline for some reason. I’m to fly you down there now.”

Cinder grumbled about it, but he did climb on. The flight back was uneventful, save for a few dives for Madeline’s amusement.

“I’ll fly you back up tomorrow,” Tel offered as they landed on the roof of the inn and dismounted. The manager stood across the roof, waiting for them. “I have to be there anyway, since I was the one who brought you in. It’ll save you a trip up the lifts. Those couldn’t be slower if they designed them to be.”

“I’ll take my chances,” Cinder growled.

Tel looked at Madeline.

“I’d love to fly again.” She smiled.

“It’s a plan, then,” Tel said, spreading his wings for takeoff.

“Wait!” Ayda flew up to Tel. “If we’re free until tomorrow, then do you… do you know where I can find the refugees?”

“Looking for someone?” Tel said, sympathetic. “The ones from Crescent Moon and Moonwater are still scattered. It’ll be a few days before we can bring them in.”

“No.” Ayda shook her head. “From an earlier attack.”

“They’re being housed in the cave system,” Tel said. “Head to the base of the cliffs, by the lifts. You’ll find an accounting house. Ask there — they’ve indexed most of them by now. Good luck, kid.” He whickered softly.

“Thank you,” Ayda whispered, and with a rain of pounding hooves and a whoosh of air he was gone.


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1220 Reviews


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Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:45 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello hello, and Happy Review Day! On behalf of the Knights of the Green Room, and as a representative of the Will Review for Food forum, I am here to rescue your work from the back of the Green Room with a (hopefully healthy) dose of #TNT .

With that said, I think it worth noting that I haven't read the previous parts, so if I bring up something that was already addressed in those, feel free to disregard me. ;P

Also, let me know what you think of my introductory spiel. Your feedback will be used to improve upon the delivery and incorporate any other review-centric programs and areas of the site I missed plugging. :3

Now onto the review.

Legend said that when Erinore first opened official relations with Arvania, the dwarves gave every diamond they had to their most powerful jewelers, who built a stunning palace around the portal to celebrate the formation of a bond harder than any material in either Kingdom.

This paragraph here stuck out like a sore thumb because who is saying this? Is it supposed to be part of the dialogue? The narration? If the latter, it really doesn't fit because to this point, the narration seemed to closely follow Ayda's point of view, and she doesn't strike me as the type to suddenly spout "legend says X" as part of her regular though process.

This paragraph here seems to exist solely for the benefit of the worldbuilding, when it could be doing so much more, like informing Madeline as well, since she presumably would be unfamiliar with the legend.

I think the simplest fix for this would be to incorporate it into the dialogue, and then it could be use to inform the readers and Madeline as well as perhaps characterize Tel a bit more.

Other than that, this chapter read pretty smoothly, which made the jarring nature of the above stick out even more. So I'd definitely recommend looking into tweaking that paragraph.




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:36 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo! So I've not read earlier sections and if I say something you think you've already covered, feel free to ignore me!

Specifics

1.

The attack came just as the canyon was opening into the valley. A pegasus, flying high overhead, saw them, and he wheeled around and flew behind a hill.
This is an attack! There are a lot of commas slowing down that second sentence and not really preparing us for an action scene. I'd suggest making it a bit more urgent, maybe:

The attack came just as the canyon was opening into the valley. A pegasus scouting high overhead saw them and turned sharply around, falling back behind a hill.

2.
She flew too close and was blasted backwards by their wings. The world spun around her, ground becoming sky and vice versa.
I think rather than using vice versa here, it would be prettier to have 'ground becoming sky and sky becoming ground'.

3.
And the girl is Madeline, the only human in all the Three Kingdoms. We barely escaped alive from Crescent Moon, and now we've come to tell your leaders what we know. Unless you don’t want us, that is.”


4.
Ayda had never seen the city from the air — she had always come through the portal in the center. The sight took her breath away just like the first time.
This is a little awkwardly phrase. I presume by first time you mean the first time she saw the city in general, rather than the air, but on first reading it seems to contradict itself since you've just told us this is the first time she's seeing the city by air. And then you tell us it takes her breath away, just like the first time.

5.
Built into the cliff was a palace of pure diamond, too bright to look at.


6.
“Dwarves can change rocks into into gems.” Ayda was still awestruck. “They’re not exactly the same as truestones, though.”


Overall

This is a smooth chapter! There were a few slightly jarring parts, like I think the fight at the start is resolved a bit too quickly or at least the details are brushed over rather fast and then there's a section in the middle when you're explaining gems made by changing rocks and it seems to be the palace they're talking about but then Tel says the palace is made of truestones and Ayda seems to already know that from the background her thoughts provide as to how all the diamonds were brought here. So I wonder if the suggestion was that the rest of the city is rocks turned to gems? Maybe I missed something there...

But other than that, the characters were fairly easy to distinguish, I liked Cinder's general mistrust of flying and the contrast of that to Madeline's awe at the beautiful city. I think the pacing could be slowed a little to have just a tiny bit more dialogue or to give more of the characters a chance to chip in to some conversations as it feels like just Tel and Ayda speaking for most of the chapter.

Feel free to ask questions if there's anything specific you'd like an opinion on and best of luck with this!

~Heather




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Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:29 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Ooh, this will be my second review for the day! :D

“Nice to meet you all. How did you escape Crescent Moon?”

“Ran. Madeline made a portal here,” said Ayda.

“One of the lucky ones.” Tel shook his head. “Well, you have my condolences.”

Ayda forced herself not to be irritated at him. “Were there many survivors?”


I don't understand this part. Has Tel said anything wrong to her? Maybe I'm an ESL and that's why I missed something. O.o

Ayda forced herself not to be irritated at him. “Were there many survivors?”

“More than in the smaller towns. The fighters gave everyone time to evacuate.”

Ayda swallowed. At the cost of their lives.


I think the first dialogue is meant to be spoken by Tel, so maybe you'd want to give it a separate line. Since The last paragraph is an extension to Ayda's dialogue, I think you can combine it to the dialogue. This paragraph break issue also happens in the previous chapter when Ayda pauses and says something, which we can't be sure is her saying it because the pause is given a new paragraph, separating it from Ayda's earlier dialogue.

There's nothing much I can say here. I like the scene with the dragons and how they do not form a good impressions on me. I also like Tel and I think he's one of the characters that can be your BFF. I hope he plays an important role later on because he's a nice addition to the cast with his easygoing, cocky personality. Cinder's perversion over flying is a nice character trait of him too. The description of Erinore is also splendid; it's easy to imagine it being built with jewels that it makes me want to see it for real. The realism element which is that not all jewels are truestones is a nice touch of world-building.

Since they don't see the king immediately, I expect to see some exploration in the country as well as the new characters (Tel in particular, of course) but also we must know what's happened to Ayda's parents (I suspect the place where they lived is the first to get attacked?). I think it's more than possible they're still alive, though it's okay to add some meaningful deaths and let Nova be the only family who survives the attack. That would lead to some character development for both the siblings over the misfortunes they face. Yeah, I'm a bit emotionless. xD I'm not attached to the parents.

All in all, this is a solid chapter. Can't wait to read more of it. Keep up the good job! :D




Mea says...


Thanks as always for the review! The paragraph spacing for that bit of dialogue was correct - Ayda's the one asking how many survivors there are, which Tel knows because he was part of the rescue party.




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