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Young Writers Society



Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 9.1

by Mea


Ayda only slept a few hours.

When she woke on the morning Madeline was to leave Arvania, she knew dawn could only be a faint glow in the east. But there was far too much light streaming through the window. Could the bonfires still be burning?

Then the gong rang again, low and deep, thrumming through the tree, and Ayda knew that was what had woken her.

That gong meant evacuation.

Ayda shot to the window. At first she only saw misty shadows and a horrible flickering light that cast spiked shadows across her floor.

Fire? It had to be. But the gong sounded again, and Ayda shuddered. That gong didn’t mean just fire. It meant war.

The mists cleared, and Ayda’s heart froze. An army of Shades, possessed, with rabid eyes and snarling jaws, swarmed through Crescent Moon. Some flew, with jet-black feathery wings, but most marched. They seeped through the trees like black magic, and their paws sounded a faint death chant, growing louder by the moment. Flashes of magic sparked where the army advanced. A few dozen defenders were falling steadily back.

No, no, not here, not now.

Madeline, Ayda thought, spinning around. There was no time, but she had to find her. They had to get out of here.

She made for the door, but her eyes fell on her tools, lined up neatly on the desk. I can’t leave them here. She snatched them up and stuffed them into her carving pouch, which she hung around her neck.

That done, Ayda wrenched open the door and dashed down the tree branch, dodging other sleepy occupants. “Get out, we’re being attacked!” she cried over her shoulder, rapping on doors as she went. Soon she had to struggle through a crowd as panicked Little Folk thronged the upper hallways.

She finally made it to down the Big Folk quarters at the trunk, racing down the hall to Madeline’s room. Noises came from inside. Madeline must have been woken too. Ayda heaved open the door and flew in.

Madeline cowered against the far wall, still wearing her nightdress, clutching her talisman bag. “I don’t want to hurt you!” she cried.

Ayda looked down and saw a Shade with fiery red eyes. It was Cinder, taken at last. “Don’t let him corner you!”

Madeline looked up, gratitude flashing across her face only to be replaced by determination. “Go get help! There’s nothing you can do.”

“I’m not leaving you alone with him,” Ayda insisted.

Cinder leapt at Madeline. Her shriek mingled with Ayda’s scream.

But he only shouldered into Madeline, knocking her over and keeping her down with a massive paw. “Special orders,” he growled. “She needs you brought to her, alive.” His voice was rough and deeper than normal.

Madeline scrabbled at the floor with her hand, trying to reach the pouch that had fallen just out of reach.

“None of that.” Cinder stamped on her arm with his paw, and Madeline’s face went white with pain.

Ayda darted to the window, trying to twist the sunbeams to focus into Cinder’s eye.

“What are you trying to do, set me on fire?” Cinder said, amused.

It wasn’t working. The sun wasn’t up yet, and she couldn’t twist firelight. Ayda let the few beams she had gathered slide through her fingers in despair.

“Ayda, I told you, go. Get help.I’ll be okay.”

She couldn’t do that. Everyone who could fight was at the front lines, and who knew where Cinder could have dragged Madeline off to by then? Ayda’s hand went the pouch around her neck, drawing out her large carving knife. She could aim for his eye. Just swoop down and stab, blinding her friend and mentor.

“Don’t try it,” Cinder warned, shifting his weight so he could swipe her out of the air.

Madeline seized the moment, heaving upward and throwing Cinder off balance. Ayda dove, and her aim was true. But she couldn’t do it. At the last second, she deflected the knife so it scored a long gash along his muzzle.

Cinder was roaring in pain, and Ayda was flying upward, but Madeline was still pinned and what was that noise in the hallway —

Xaniphe thundered through the door, a thousand pounds of muscle and anger. Cinder sprang away to avoid his hooves and circled to face Xaniphe, snarling. Madeline seized her talisman bag and scrambled towards the door, then paused in the doorway, glancing back. Ayda was frozen, watching the her mentors circle each other.

“The secret door, Madeline! Run for it! You have to get out of Arvania as fast as you can.” Xaniphe fired a burst of magic at Cinder, but it washed over the Shade harmlessly.

“Did you really think she wouldn’t make her pets resistant?” Cinder sneered.

He lunged. Xaniphe reared onto his hind legs and delivered a well-placed kick. Cinder yelped, crashing to the floor.

Ayda!” Madeline’s voice finally startled Ayda out of her stupor. She flew to the door, and Madeline fled down the hall. Ayda followed her, but she glanced back. What she saw would haunt her dreams.

Cinder, rising from where he had fallen. Leaping at Xaniphe again, only this time sailing past the centaur’s hooves and straight to his neck.

Ayda tore herself away then, flying faster then she ever had before. But it didn’t stop her from hearing Xaniphe crash to the floor with an awful, final thud.

Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, you have to get away.

She caught up with Madeline, who was skidding down a staircase to the ground floor. The upper levels were nearly deserted now, but down below the crowd was thick around the doors. “Cinder’s coming.”

“Xaniphe?”

Ayda just shook her head. Madeline took a sharp breath but paused for only a moment. “I know what he wants me to do. There’s a hidden door in the wall down between the Oak and the Hickory. There’s a ley point there, in the shadow of a hill. That’s where I practiced yesterday.”

“You’re going to make a portal to Earth now?

“No, I can’t without the right boosters. He wants me to make a portal to Erinore.”

She slid to a halt at the bottom of the staircase, but the doors were still packed. Ayda glanced up. Above them, a shadow had slipped out of the hallway and was already descending the first flight of stairs. “We can’t wait. He’s right behind us — we’ll go out through the gardens.”

“No — I can’t get over the hedges. We’ll have to blend into the crowd. Land on my shoulder,” Madeline insisted.

Knots twisting in her stomach, Ayda clung to Madeline’s nightdress, keeping her head down as the crowd jostled them. Some were crying, some were shouting, and when the screaming began Ayda knew Cinder must have made it down the stairs. The crowd surged forward as one, sweeping Ayda and Madeline out of the oak and into a battleground.

It was chaos. The line of Shades was only a few hundred feet away, and behind them, Crescent Moon was burning. The fire raged through the small trees and licked up the sides of a great tree in the distance, casting a ghastly light over the army. A tear rolled down Ayda’s cheek.

There were barely a handful of people left fighting. Lord and Lady Elerian fought furiously side-by-side, holding the line back almost single-handedly, but they were forced to take one step back, then another. Transfixed by the terrible sight, Ayda forgot about Cinder and switched to her magical vision.

The Shades’ magic was twisted horribly, congealing inside of them instead of curling like mist. Each had a trail of shadowy purple wrapped around their necks like so many leashes. They converged on an object that was just coming into view between the trees.

It was a chariot, gold and white, hovering twenty feet above the ground and pulled by four winged Shades. The shadowy trails led directly to a woman inside the chariot, converging on her heart. Nadra. It had to be. Ayda looked upon the woman who destroyed her home.

The expression of utter calm Nadra wore, as if this were all an amusing play, chilled Ayda to the bone. Almost more disturbing was Nadra’s magic — it was a kaleidoscope of colors, brown and white and blue and green and pink, all mixed together enough that Ayda couldn’t even tell which was her base color. How?

A fiery lance of magic shot from Nadra’s outstretched hand and hit Lady Elerian directly in the heart. It struck her like lightning, her silhouette — head snapped back, arms spread — outlined nightmarishly. She hung there, and in a split second her deep brown magic was sucked up and into Evota, joining the whirling mass.

The magical scalpel released Lady Elerian. She crumpled to the ground and did not move.

Lord Elerian turned and ran. Nadra repeated the process again and again, draining the magic from all the fighters Ayda could see. Another dryad fell, then a centaur. Then a child, separated from his mother and caught in Nadra’s path.

“Ayda!” Madeline had fought her way to the edge of the crowd. “We have to go!”

They had only seconds before Cinder forced his way outside, and they needed to get out of sight before then. Ayda followed Madeline as the girl stumbled across the courtyard, but when she glanced down, she saw a trail of inky purple leading from her friend’s ankle back to the tree.

“Madeline, wait! Your ankle!”

Madeline looked down, confused.

“Magical vision,” Ayda urged. “It’s the same thing he did to me when I snuck out.”

She glanced back and saw a dark shape prowl out of the tree. “He’s out. We have to get it off.”

“I can’t touch his magic,” Madeline said, frantic. She made a grab for the tether, but her hands passed right through it.

Ayda squinted. The light was dim, but this tether looked different from the one Cinder had put on Ayda. It looked… corrupt, much like the other Shades’ magic.

Madeline had seen the same thing. “Can’t you purify it?”

“It’s not plant magic!”

“Make the pattern and give me your knife.”

“What? No!”

“It’s the only way to get it off — ”

A growl came from behind and both human and fairy spun. Cinder was loping towards them.

“No time!” Ayda said, tugging on Madeline’s sleeve. Madeline ran into the trees and Ayda flew, dodging bushes, making the dash for the wall.

When she glanced over her shoulder, Cinder had fallen behind ten yards. Then twenty. Shades were faster than humans, but he was favoring his right leg. That’s the second time Xaniphe saved us tonight.

With the magical tether, their only chance was to get through the portal before Cinder caught up.

Madeline skidded to a stop beside the wall and Ayda flew up and over it. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw a dozen Shades breaking off to follow them. She couldn’t see what Madeline was doing, but there was a flash of magic and part of the wall vanished, only to reform when Madeline was through.

“It won’t hold them long,” Madeline gasped.

Ayda followed Madeline blindly, down the hill and out into the open plains surrounding the city, the hair on her neck prickling. They were so exposed.

Then Madeline skidded to a stop beside a large rock rock formation that made up one half of the hill. They ley point — they had made it. Madeline wove her magic quickly and efficiently. But it was still slow. Ayda glanced over her shoulder. Cinder didn’t seem to have made through the door yet, but a flying Shade was winging its way towards them.

A small gasp came from Madeline, and Ayda looked back. The portal had formed. It was like there was a tear in the fabric of the universe, a black oval that no light could penetrate. Madeline plunged through and vanished.

Ayda only paused for a moment, looking back at her second home. Crescent Moon was burning. The flames had reached the crowns of the great trees now. She had no doubt that over the hill and across the river, Moonwater was burning too.

Arvania had fallen.

Ayda flew through the portal to Erinore, tears streaking down her cheeks.


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Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:54 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello :(

So these events are terrible. Crescent Moon has fallen, Cinder has become one of Nadra's Shades, the Lady is killed.

One little thing I noticed is that everything happened so quickly--just like BAM, Crescent Moon has fallen. I was kind of expecting them to be able to hold off a little longer. This is so fast I kind of imagined Crescent Moon to be taken as quickly as Nikka. Or maybe this is to show the extent of Nadra's powers. Still, it is Crescent Moon, so I thought that putting up a valiant fight but still being destroyed could both show Crescent Moon's strength yet also show that Nadra is nearly invincible, at least in these areas. Especially since I imagine they've been on the alert especially when Nadra is advancing with her army of "corrupted" Shades.

Another thing was that when Ayda realized what had happened to Cinder, I wish I could have seen her reaction. Some time ago, Xaniphe was saying how much Cinder was fond of Ayda, and now that he's...consumed must be really shocking and saddening for Ayda, though I imagine that she might have been expecting it. I think the part that Ayda couldn't just hurt him was done well, but I would have liked to see the despair she probably is feeling.

The last lines were emotionally strong. It's like Ayda looking back and seeing Crescent Moon, now her home, up in flames. I think it's in the scene afterward that Ayda and Madeline will have to regroup their determination and everything. It's called a sequel, I believe. And now people are dead and everything.

And also, I'm so curious as to why Nadra wants Madeline. Is it because of her ability to meld magic together or something like that? I do want to know when the next installment will come out and I hope hope hope that Cinder will eventually be himself again <3




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Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:07 am
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DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



:'(

Hello again. This part didn't effect me quite as much as last time since I knew it was coming, but I can tell the edits have made a beautiful difference and mostly in what came before it.

The connection to Crescent Moon is so much stronger this time. It's Ayda's second home now and so much has happened there. It's sad to see it being destroyed and attacked. Xaniphe's death is also much sadder this time around because his relationship with Ayda and Madeline was more fleshed out in this draft. A lot of emotional depth has been added to your story and it's paying off in scenes like this. Seeing Cinder out of his own control is emotionally tugging as well. And when Ayda couldn't bring herself to hurt him! <3

That’s the second time Xaniphe saved us tonight.


Way to tug at my heart strings so soon after they've been broken. -_-

I was glad to see the tether magic show up again. I hadn't expected to see it at all after the first time it was introduced so that was a nice surprise. It's great to see that magic introduced earlier on has a purpose later in the story as well. I'm interested to see how they get it off. Including the information earlier about how portals worked is also good for this moment as well since we know why another portal can't instantly be made to follow them.

This is a problem I'm trying to work with in my own story, but the speed at which Crescent Moon is taken surprises me a bit. The evacuation warning seems to come pretty late in the attack. Crescent Moon is already losing when it comes. I feel like they'd be able to get the warning out earlier than that since they knew that towns were being attacked and would be expecting something to happen.

One thing I noticed in the previous draft opposed to this one is that the attack on Crescent Moon was more surprising. Besides the fact that I knew what was coming, the fact that they planned to send Madeline home the next day sort of tells the reader that something terrible is about to happen to keep her from leaving. It's too early in the story for Madeline to disappear. The reader wouldn't know what was going to happen, so this may just add to the apprehension they feel as they read, but I just thought I should mention this. When I read the previous draft, I told you that I felt a terrible fear as I was reading the festival scene since it felt like everything was going too well. I felt like something terrible was just around the corner. I wish I knew how the current information would have effected that feeling I had. Would it have made the fear more intense or would it have cut a bit of the suspense? Who knows. You'll probably need the feedback of someone who's reading this for the first time for that.

This is a really intense and emotionally packed part. It's almost difficult to comprehend since so many awful things are happening at once. Great job and I look forward to reading more! (XD "So many awful things happening at once" and "great job" are not things I ever thought I'd say together)




Mea says...


Yeah, Lightsong pointed out that this taking of Crescent Moon almost feels too easy, considering all the powerful magic people that are here, so maybe I should make it take longer. The thing is, I need Ayda to actually see Nadra so she can find out about the taking magic thing, which wouldn't happen unless the invasion has swept through most of Crescent Moon already.

My rationale for this right now is that this was right after a festival (in the first draft there was a day in between) and so they're disorganized and unready, but I'm not sure how believable that excuse is and I realize I haven't actually mentioned it in the text.





Yeah, it's a difficult situation. Trials of a Dragon Knight has a similar problem where I need the entire kingdom to fall pretty without much warning and the attack needs to be really sudden, but realistically I don't know how to make that happen.



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Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:39 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Ooh, done! I have finished reading this chapter.

And... there is not much to say about it. o: The action scenes are executed well, the transition between each one of them is smooth. And it's not just about actions either, there are dramas woven into it with Xaniphe and Cinder and also about the Lady and Lord. I think you put it enough amount of despair in this and it's realistic because each war must have casualties, and some casualties would be felt stronger than others, and you just did that.

I also like how Ayda and Madeline struggle to escape from the chaos, and it's a good way to develop their character in the sense that we are shown how they handle themselves when the situation is dire. Madeline seems a bit more collected with how the situation about Xaniphe doesn't sway her from focusing what's important, and this is shown more when she's able to do something to hinder the Shades like what she's done to the wall, and also, making the portal in the middle of chaos must've required tremendous focus.

Ayda is more affected by it and it's understandable to see how she's more caught up with what's happening. I feel like the war would change her character as it's her source of sadness right now.

My only suggestion is to make the war a bit more difficult. Nadra's winning it like it's no big deal, diminishing the reputation of Crescent Moon. I thought with how it's the city of knowledge, they would be prepared in some ways and perhaps they stand a chance at the beginning before being beaten. The death of Lady Elerian, while tragic, brings into question why must the rulers participate in the war when they are the most important people to protect. I suggest the Lord and Lady to escape instead of engaged in a fight, because their survival would mean Crescent still has the chance of being ruled by its people later (I'm not sure what species is the Lord and Lady). It just seems like the more reasonable way in my opinion. Maybe I have it wrong. xD

Anyway, this is a solid chapter overall. It shows how strong Nadra is and brings in question how Ayda and Madeline would survive in Erinore and how they're going to fight back. Keep up the good job! :D





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