A/N: For those who may be new, Ayda is a fairy and humans haven't been seen in her world for centuries. Except, Ayda has just found one in a forest while out gathering herbs.
At least, Ayda thought it was a human girl. It definitely wasn’t any species she had ever seen before. The only one that came close was a dryad. She was the right size and shape, but this girl had no patterns of leaves on her skin and carried no characteristics that would suggest her tree type.
A human. But humans weren’t supposed to exist anymore.
She could have been an elf, another race that had long since passed into history, but elves were supposed to be tall, golden-haired, and fair, with pointed ears. This girl’s ears were round, her hair was jet-black and fell just past her shoulders, and her skin was only a few shades lighter then Ayda’s creamy brown. She was no older than Ayda - she could tell that much.
And she was crying. Ayda approached her timidly, not sure what to expect. A few paces away, she cleared her throat and spoke. “Are… are you okay?”
The girl’s sat up, looking around wildly for the source of the voice. When her gaze settled on Ayda, her mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ of shock. “Are you a fairy?” she asked.
“Um, yeah,” Ayda said. “How have you never seen a fairy before?”
She shook her head. “You’re not supposed to be real.”
“Well, are you a human?” Ayda asked.
“Of course!” she said.
“Well you’re not supposed to be real either, so that makes two of us.” There was only one way this girl could be here, but it was impossible. Nobody had been able to break into the humans’ world for centuries; there were only three Kingdoms now. She couldn’t have come from there.
They looked at each other for a long moment. Ayda could see the wariness in the girl’s eyes, but the questions finally won out.
“What’s your name?” the girl said finally.
“Ayda. Why were you crying?”
She bit her lip. “I’m Madeline. And I don’t know where I am. I’ve been lost since yesterday evening.”
“Well,” said Ayda, “you’re in Arvania, a few hours flight north of Nikka, the fairy city where I live.”
“I’ve never heard of any of those places.” Madeline said.
“Okay. How did you get here?” Ayda asked.
She seemed to take a moment to decide how much to tell Ayda. Finally, she spoke. “I was walking through the woods behind our house after dinner. I was by the stream, and a lady was there. Definitely human. Tall, with long black hair. She asked me where this rock formation nearby was. I told her, but then I was curious about who she was. I’d never seen her before.”
“So you followed her,” Ayda said. Her mind was racing ahead of Madeline’s story, but although she thought she knew what happened next, she had no idea who this woman could be.
Madeline nodded. “I followed her all the way to the rock formation. I hid behind a tree. I couldn’t really see what she was doing, but suddenly this - gash - just appeared in the air. The woman stepped through, and she vanished! I waited for a minute, then went to get a closer look. I must have touched it accidentally, because the next thing I knew, I was standing among a bunch of stone ruins. When I turned around, the gash closed behind me. That was last night.”
That sounded like a temporary portal, all right. Which were perfectly possible, if uncommon, but not to or from the human world, not anymore. “Where is this woman?”
“I don’t know,” Madeline said. “I didn’t see her when I went through. I started walking south and haven’t seen her since.”
Okay. Ayda had found a human girl from the human world, who’d come through an impossible portal made by a mysterious woman. Ayda would have thought the girl was lying, but she was undeniably human. Any explanation for her being here would be implausible.
“I just want to go home,” Madeline said quietly, clutching at something around her neck. “Please, can you just tell me how to get back to America?”
Ayda guessed ‘America’ was a place in the humans’ world. “I don’t know that there’s a way,” she said honestly.
Madeline looked up, and the fierceness in her voice surprised Ayda. “You’re lying,” she accused. “I got here somehow, so there has to be a way back. I don’t care where here is, I can’t stay here forever.”
“I’m not lying,” Ayda insisted, darting forward and looking the girl straight in the eye. “Like I said, humans have been gone for centuries. Your world used to be linked to this world — and the other two Kingdoms — but you’re not anymore. I don’t know why. Most people think you’re myths, just the same as elves.”
Madeline drew her legs up to her chest. She was shaking slightly and drew in ragged breaths. Ayda flew closer and hesitantly laid a hand on her shoulder. Madeline flinched, but didn’t shake her off.
“Come with me,” Ayda said recklessly. “Back to my city, where I can get you some food, and we’ll figure out how to help you.” She knew she didn’t have time for this. She had a carving to finish by tomorrow and she was already going to get back long after sundown at this rate. She had no idea what kind of circus would be caused if people found out about Madeline, but it would probably delay their departure even longer. But she couldn’t leave Madeline here, alone and starving.
And, truth be told, her curiosity was already simmering. Who had the woman been? Would Madeline be able to get back? And if so, could she take Ayda with her? A whole new world to explore — the thought thrilled her.
Madeline glanced over her shoulder, back towards the ruins. “I’ll come,” she said at last.
“You’ll have to sleep outside the wall,” Ayda warned. “Nikka is a fairy city. We don’t have any buildings for Big Folk. And I don’t want you swarmed by gawkers. But I can bring you food, and the woods around here are very safe.”
“That’s okay.”
The journey took longer than Ayda wanted. Madeline clearly had not had anything to eat or drink since she had arrived in Arvania, nor any proper sleep, and so her pace was slow. Ayda fluttered above her impatiently. What it must be like to not have wings! she thought as she watched Madeline stumble through the undergrowth. Most of the journey was spent in silence, as Ayda concentrated on finding their way in the gathering dark and Madeline concentrated on following.
Night had long since fallen when Ayda saw the lights of the city through the bushes. “Come on, we’re almost there,” she said encouragingly. “I want you to see the city, but you have to stay in the shadows so people don’t see you.”
Madeline stopped a few feet away from the wall, skulking behind a bush. She peered over the wall and gasped. “There’s so many fairies!” she said. “It’s beautiful. Do you really live in the trees?”
Ayda nodded. It was a good view of the city, that she had to admit. Stretching nearly fifty feet across, the warm glow of the firemoss lights bathed the city, spreading from the river, up the trees where the pulley systems were, and into the canopy. And above the buildings, flocks of fairies flew in all directions, each a flicker of movement among the gathering shadows. Nothing spectacular, but perhaps wondrous to someone who had never seen fairies before.
“Let’s go around this way,” Ayda eventually said. “You’ll be comfortable by the river.”
Soon Madeline was settled in a sheltered, mossy overhang, the river a gentle roar just through the trees. Ayda had found a few berries for her and promised to bring more food as soon as she could sneak out tonight. It was well past sunset now, but the only thing Ayda could do about that was fly home as fast as she could with her herbs.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, Mea! Storm here for another review, so let's get straight into it!
How do they speak the same language? I don't know if you address this later, but if you don't, I really think you ought to.
I particularly want to address the conversation between Ayda and Madeline. There's a bit of obligatory shock, but other than that, there's nothing. I think I would be a bit more shaken if I found a portal to a different world and then happened upon a tiny flying girl. If not scared, then definitely curious, but Madeline seems perfectly accepting of her situation, and she doesn't ask many questions.
On Ayda's side, you'd also think that she'd be a bit more shaken. Maybe not as much as Madeline, but still a bit frantic. I really think there just should have been more questions and stumbling dialogue.
I also didn't really understand Ayda's thought process on how to deal with Madeline. At first, she seemed kind of dismissive, but then she was more excited about an adventure.
As I mentioned before, you need to be a lot more descriptive in your writing. Madeline says it's beautiful, but the audience doesn't really see what she sees because the description is a bit underwhelming for that reaction from her.
~Storm
I was wondering when someone was going to ask this. Magic. That's really my only answer. I spend a lot of time trying to think of a better way, but really it's just something that has to be handwaved, or else we wouldn't have a story. (I've also been wondering when someone would ask about why only 1000 years have passed in Ayda's world but obviously it's been a lot longer in our world since it would have to be before recorded history. I do have an answer for that one, but it never makes it into the text because none of the characters know about it.) Thanks for the review!
I think you should put something like that in there then, just so you have an answer for it right in the text.
Here I come to catch up! I know you said recently that we don't have to review every chapter, but I'm not about to skip out on anything :p And as I go I may not actually review every segment and instead do a review for both segments at the end of a chapter, we'll see. But prepare for notifications
I like some of the subtle changes you've made to this chapter with Ayda thinking more about whether she should get involved with this (she doesn't have time, she's already late) but also not wanting to squash her curiosity (why is this girl here, how did she get here, maybe there's a new world to explore). Are there any feelings of worry or danger or is she mostly curious? Humans haven't been seen in any recent memory. Could there be something sinister at work here? Could humans be dangerous? If she's too young and naive to think this way, that's fine (I'm an old mistrustful fart :p) I'm also glad she thinks a little bit about what the others in her community will think
Madeline's attitude still perplexes me a little bit. She's been through a really (what I would assume) scary experience. She saw a creepy old lady and went through a tear in the universe and ended up in a world where she has no idea where she is or how to get home. NOPE. (this is why I'm not a gryffindor :p) She comes off as very confident and calm and determined to find a way home. Maybe she's way braver than I am or good at hiding her true feelings, but I would expect someone in this situation to be scared out of their minds or at least way more confused. Maybe she's still shocked and she can only focus on doing what she needs to do to get out of here. She's so quick to listen to and trust Ayda.
You could slow down their first encounter a little bit and show more of Ayda's thoughts/feelings. You have thoughts and feelings in there, but you know me. I live for inner monologue and thoughts and feelings :p
That's all for now though! Let me know if you have any questions/things I didn't mention that you'd like feedback about! (I also said thoughts/feelings there and I managed to catch myself.... :p)
I was thinking that part of the reason Madeline is quick to trust Ayda is because she is a fairy, and even though fairies aren't supposed to be real, they're so culturally coded "good" by us that she's more trusting than she otherwise would be. Like, "are all the stories real?" is something that's probably running through her head in this chapter. I don't know if that's enough of a reason, though. xD
No that makes sense. I would probably trust a fairy if I saw one, assuming it looked friendly enough which I feel like Ayda does
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
I like the beginning and since I'm reading this straight after the first chapter, this beginning makes perfect sense to me, but I can see how this would be confusing if I read this tomorrow. Maybe mold the start of the chapter a bit to make it easier for someone who's coming back after a longish period of time.Nit-picks
This whole first part of the dialogue between the two feels a bit unnatural. Madeline should be really frightened, but I can't hear it in her voice here. It improves later on, but right now it kinda sounds like there's not much emotion at all. Avda is better, but I'd think she'd be more weary of the human since she is larger than Avda. Wouldn't Avda be wondering if the human is hostile or something along those lines? I just this this scene needs a little more work.
Overall thoughts
Chapter plot: Compared to the last chapter this one wasn't as exciting, but that's to be expected and it's not even the whole chapter as you wanted it as it's listed as chapter 2.1, so I'm going to assume this wouldn't have been the whole chapter if you were to turn this into a published book. Overall I liked it. It was a bit more down the earth and relaxed than the last chapter. I think you could have made it a bit more exiting with Avda meeting Madeline, but that's my only complaint.
Characters: Cool so you've introduced another character to the story; Madeline. I hope to get to know her well in the coming chapters. If I'm correct she's 14 years old right? That will create a cool dynamic between her and Ayda. I feel that you could have given her a bit more character in this part of the chapter though as she feels a little bland at the moment.
However you did develop Ayda's character quite a bit by having her care enough about Madeline to risk getting in trouble or worse for her. That's going to be interesting to watch as it plays out.
Description: You did a better job of describing the forest in this chapter.
Overall this was a great chapter and I'll be onto the next one as soon as I can. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks for the reviews! They are much appreciated, but if you want, feel completely free to skip reviewing a lot of these beginning chapters and just read them, as I have more reviews on these and a better idea of what I need to change. At this point, I'd prefer to hear people's thoughts on later chapters.
Sure.
What chapter would you like me to start reviewing on?
Hm, probably chapter 7 or 8. But if you're burning to leave a comment at any point, feel free, even if it's not a full-fledged review. Thanks again! <3
A joke to start things off, as promised in the last review.
-"My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, 'Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'"-
If you don't laugh, I'll be disappointed because I masterfully stole this off BuzzFeed.
The bridge into this chapter sounds rather humorous, something that I admire in stories because it brings us back to the balance of things. The bit of plotline introduced in the previous part, seemed light with a shadow. Like the whole humans and elves supposed to be gone but gen the main heroine finds one in the woods. Oooh. Mystery. That sounds sarcastic but it really wasn't meant to be, it's just how I'm used to writing things out.
The dialogue is also rather funny, like one of those scenes out of a movie where two people meet, and they just scream louder and louder out of fear and surprise. It certainly must be a surprise when two different races, each of whom thinks the other is not real/dead, meet each other in such settings. It sounds kind of like a mixture between mystery, fantasy, horror and comedy so far, but that's just one way of looking at it.
And the character interactions that come through to me, are rather cheesy. The novel base itself has these cliche strips where I really want to turn away, but there's something I can't narrow down. In some respects, I like that your book has that air making it irresistible. But the stumbles through other parts make me groan, the bit making it seem more like a romance novel action/adventure. I'm guessing that I just have to wait until farther down the road to draw more of an opinion. As for now, I'll rate is as okay: 3 out of 5 stars.
The ending once again hangs to lead the person into the next chapter part but I think I like this one more than the previous one. Whereas in the first chapter there was just the discovery of the next big character to be introduced (pun fully intended), this is the bit where your MC (I'm assuming), makes the split path decision. It goes over rather calmly though I feel like further into the novel, Ayda is going to go into regret mode, just based on the character so far.
So that was just some thoughts and things, which is mostly what my reviews are. You've got me hooked and I think I'll make it back for the next chapter.
Have a nice day.
~Liz
I can definitely see what you mean by the cliche/cheesy strips. For some reason I seem unable to not write cliche/cheesy stuff in beginning chapters, but I'm pretty sure it levels off soon. (I'm awful at beginnings.
) Thanks for the review!
is Madeline a little girl? their expressions are contradictory. its like they are curious but not curious? Also need more characteristics about Ayda and fairy folk. what era exactly Madeline is from? doesn't Madeline shouting alert the other fairies? why is their no security for the fairy village?. I understand its peaceful but how can they be so lax with security? also how does the social system work in the fairy village? is their a mayor or chief or king or queen?
Pick a random town in the United States. Does it have a secure border? No - you can just walk/drive in. It's the same way in Ayda's town. There's a police force, but it doesn't keep people out, it patrols the inside of the city. And Madeline's staying out of sight, so they don't know about her.
The social system in this particular village doesn't wind up being important, so I wound up cutting it (it was in the last draft). If you're curious, they have an elected council of four members, one of each of the different elemental fairies, and they act like joint mayors.
will there be more description of Ayda in the further chapters. Thx it helps. Really wanna what those fairies look like cause there is lots of fairies stories like Strange Magic or Tinker Bell series.
Second review of the day.
The starting of the chapter is a bit iffy. When you write a chapter, it's better to split the writing more. If someone had read chapter 1 yesterday and chapter 2.1 today, then they'd be a bit confused.
While there were fewer characters, there's more to talk about. Ayda doesn't seem as surprised that Madie dropped into fairyland as Madie is. She isn't even interested in Madie in general. It's a bit weird, cause you do explain how Ayda is very much interested in Madie's world, but not in Madie, who came from that world. Madie herself is also a bit confusing. I haven't been able to properly gauge how old Madie really is. You've said that she was not older than Ayda, but her tendencies switch between a child and a teen. While there are child-like characters, it's really just the lack of a proper age that bugs me.
The plot seems to be advancing a bit. I am curious about the mysterious woman and how she went between Earthrealm and Fairyrealm. I don't know how Madie is going to be involved, but I can't wait.
I won't talk about world building or anything since your comments answer all my questions with "It'll happen eventually."
Overall this section is a bit weaker than the first half of chapter 1. Ayda's development is starting to become a bit jumbled, but the foreshadowing and plot details are still enticing me.
...So I'm here for the next bit!
The descriptions are well done here, especially the night view of Nikka. It must be really beautiful to see it. Even though the passage says that it isn't "spectacular", I imagine it must be lovely. So I'm really enjoying the worldbuilding here. The scenery is just so pretty! Madeline should enjoy these sights before she goes home :p
One thing that confused me was about what was the Three Kingdoms. Were they three different worlds or kingdoms? Maybe explaining it will lead to awkward exposition-filled narrative and dialogue but it's just a "reader reaction" you might want to keep in mind. Perhaps it's just me and doesn't affect others, though.
I agree with DragonWriter22 that Madeline's shock of dropping into an entirely new realm is established well BUT Ayda doesn't seem to be so surprised. I know that it must be more of a shock to find yourself in a new kingdom then to find something you've never seen before. Still, it would be nice to see some element of surprise from Ayda.
I'm wondering if Ayda ever considered what she was going to tell her parents about this (or explain why she came back pretty late). Right now what's more important is getting Madeline to a safe, sheltered place to stay for the night but I wonder if "How can I tell everybody there's a human girl outside the walls?" ever crossed her mind. Because unless they actually see such a girl, they probably won't believe it. I did see that she realized what "a circus" would happen. And yeah, there'd be a lot of shock and excitement running round.
(Just made me think that if Ayda told the adults there, they might ask, "Is it really true?" while a better question can be "How could that woman make a portal and who is that woman?")
I'm been enjoying this a lot and I'm looking forward for the next chapter! Feel free to ask if you have any questions
Yeah, the Kingdoms will be explained pretty soon - I thought including it here would just slow it down.
This is indeed an excellent question.
Again it's fascinating to see how a passage can grow and change. I can see glimmers of the old passage ("her mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ of shock"), but then there's also a lot that's different. It's just a lot of fun to read and notice.
Descriptions in general are done really well in this passage. I especially liked the way you added the magical creature descriptions. Ayda is trying to identify what Madeline is, and slipping in the descriptions of elves and dryads was nicely done. It's believable since that's what one might do when they're identifying a species, but then it also gives world building details to the reader.
One thing that confused me a bit was what is believed about humans. Ayda says that some people think that they're a myth, but then other parts of your writing suggested that people knew they existed, just that they were completely cut off. I guess the only real confusion is to what Ayda believed herself. There can be differences of opinions about humans for different people, but Ayda both recalls that humans are cut off, and says "you're not supposed to be real..." to Ayda, so I'm not sure which she thinks (well, thought, since it's obvious that they're real now that she'd met Ayda).
Besides that the passage is pretty solid. Emotions could be felt a tad bit stronger. Madeline's surprise at seeing a fairy was well done, but I felt less surprise from Ayda. Then, just a quick clarification, did you mean ruckus or something along those lines instead of circus in this part?
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this and further rediscovering your world. Nikka sounds incredibly beautiful at night.
Ah, I figure that Ayda wasn't really sure what to think before. She'd heard conflicting rumors, that they were all a myth, and that the world was cut off. But the "world cut off" thing could just be part of a legend instead of being history, so she's generally leaned towards them being myths but didn't know for sure.
Okay, that makes sense.
Hey this is Spartan 118 here for a quick review.
So I'm gonna blunt and say this is kinda boring and has no plot what so ever from the beginning of this part. Besides what I just said you need to work on the opener my suggestion is combine parts and make them one part it will help the flow and not start out so dull. So now to the actual review I have seen no errors what so ever and am fine with that. You have potential to make this story into something great.
Well I ain't gonna really say much cause I may have put too much thought into this review and just want to say do your best and keep up the good work.
I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. Are you suggesting that I should combine this part with the next part or with the previous part? And in what way would that make it less dull? I can certainly try to trim this section down - I think it probably needs that anyway. And by 'work on the opener' do you mean work on the opening to this part or on the opening to the novel in general?
Anyway, thanks for the feedback.
What i mean is you should have combined with the previous part and if you weren't going to at least take out where she saw the child and put it in with the first line of the first part cause they are part of the same paragraph not two different ones. And by work on the opener the first paragraph to this part is off like the second paragraph would have been somewhat ok but definitely a needs work like leave on cliff hangers each part to entice the reader.
Ah, that makes sense, thank you. Posting a novel on here is always tricky because quite frankly, works over 2000 words are rarely read and reviewed thoroughly, so you sometimes have to split them up in non-ideal ways. In general, posting a work in parts that is meant to be read as a whole is tricky. Having a cliffhanger end every part would make the story stilted and feel cheap, but I will definitely try to make sure I end my parts at more dramatic moments. Thanks again!