z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 13.2

by Mea


Ayda blinked. She was finished. The key lay before her, rough and uneven, but the important part — the end that fit into the lock — was precisely shaped. It was about as tall as her waist, but the wood was light and not too difficult to carry. Would it work?

What time was it? The sky outside was dark, but she couldn’t see the moon to estimate the time of night. Behind her, Tel’s flank rose and fell as he slept. It was late, very late, but Ayda couldn’t sleep now. If the key worked, this would be the perfect time to escape.

She heaved the key up and slid it into the keyhole. It went all the way in, but when she tried to turn it wood clicked against iron — it wouldn’t turn.

Blast. Something needed to be filed down. She jiggled the key, trying to peer in alongside it, but it was so dark. She closed her eyes and tried to feel how the key vibrated as it tried to turn. Was it at the very end? She pulled the key out and, balancing it awkwardly on her knee, ran her hand along the edge. Then she stuck her other hand into the keyhole, feeling the design. Yes, definitely shorter.

Ayda landed, picked up her knife, and went back to work.

Three tries later, the key clicked in the lock. Ayda’s heart leapt. She threw her shoulder against the flared end, and it turned. The bolt drew back. They were free.

Ayda immediately locked the door again, her heart thumping. She peered out through the mesh window. A Shade lay just down the hallway, guarding them, but he was curled up, asleep. They would have to be very, very quiet.

She flew over to Tel and prodded him just behind his ears. “Shhh,” she breathed as he shot awake. “It’s time. We’re free.”

Tel looked from her to the skeleton key still in the lock, then back. “Nice going,” he mouthed.

“We have to sneak past the guard.”

“I can step lightly!” he whispered.

With every click of hooves on the floor, Ayda was sure the guard would wake up. But he didn’t stir as Tel pushed open the door, or as Ayda took the key from the lock and tied it to her back using a strand of Tel’s mane. She didn’t want Nadra to figure out how they had gotten free. Even when Tel gingerly stepped right over him and through the doorway into fresh air, the guard hardly twitched.

They slipped around the side of the building, between it and the outer wall. Ayda’s heart raced as she tried to count the sentries by the pools of light from the lanterns they carried.

“Wait here,” she ordered Tel. “You should be fine — I don’t think the sentries come this way. I’m going to find Madeline.”

“Are you implying I’m not good at sneaking around?” Tel huffed.

Ayda glared at him. What on earth was she supposed to say to that?

Tel grinned at the look on her face. “No, you’re right. You’re less conspicuous. Just hurry up so I don’t fall asleep again.”

Ayda rolled her eyes and flew away, keeping to the shadows, trying to guess where Madeline was being kept. She held her knife lightly, keeping it ready. The moon was full tonight, which was not going to help.

She ignored the question of what to do if she couldn’t get Madeline out. Hopefully the skeleton key would work again. Without Madeline, there would be no escape. Ayda didn’t think Tel knew how to make a portal.

As she rounded the tower, she saw two windows glowing softly with the light of firemoss. One of them could be Madeline. The other was probably Nadra. Did she dare?

This side of the tower was in shadow. She could dare.

As soon as the patrol passed out of sight, Ayda launched herself upwards, flying until she was level with the top window, really just an opening in the stone. She flattened herself against the wall, then poked her head around the rim and looked inside.

Nadra. Her chambers were richly furnished, with a firemoss chandelier that reigned over the magnificent four-poster bed, solid ebony dresser, and long mirror. Nadra herself was pouring over a old, thick book in a chair facing largely away from the window. Her hair was tousled and she wore a dressing gown.

Ayda’s fingers clenched around her knife. She was right there, only open air between them. And Nadra’s guard was down. She thought she was safe here, in her fortress surrounded by her slaves. That could change in a moment; Ayda could dart in and thrust the knife through her neck and watch her life drain away.

She almost did it. Almost. She lifted the knife and grasped the edge of the window.

But something churned inside of her, repulsing her.

Ayda lowered the knife. She couldn’t do it. Did that make her a coward?

Shaken, she flew down to the second window and peered in. This room was much more sparsely furnished, with really just a bed —

A bed that had Madeline in it.

Ayda darted inside, landing on the bedpost. Madeline was awake — she pushed herself up with a start.“Ayda?

Ayda spoke quickly. “Tel and I escaped. He’s waiting outside. We have to get you away from here so Nadra can’t do whatever it is she’s planning.”

She flew over to the door. It would be locked, but she tried it anyway before she had to untie the key.

It wasn’t locked. The handle turned easily and the door inched open to reveal a landing on a staircase leading both up and down. There wasn’t even a guard.

Something was very wrong here. Ayda turned back to Madeline, only to see that the girl hadn’t moved. She was clutching her blankets to her chest. Scared? No.

“It’s open. Let’s go.” Ayda motioned to the door.

“I’m not coming.” Madeline sounded almost surprised to hear herself say it, but something shut behind her eyes and she let the blankets drop. “I’m staying here.”

“But — Nadra — ”

“Yeah. She’ll use my magic to connect Earth to the Well again.”

“And you believe her? And you’re okay with that? You said she was crazy!” A trickle of dread ran down Ayda’s spine. What had Nadra promised Madeline?

“I hadn’t given her a chance then.” Madeline looked away from Ayda.

“And what about everything else she’s done? What about what we fought for? How, how can you just abandon that?” This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be real.

“Because I’m tired!” Madeline said. It was the first time Ayda had heard her raise her voice like that. Her voice broke. “I want to go home. And I want my dad to be okay.”

“You think she’ll heal your dad?”

“In return for my magic? She promised.”

“You’ll be magicless. Even if she’s not lying, even if the spell works, you won’t have magic ever again.”

“So?” Madeline swallowed, turning back to Ayda. “I went all my life without magic. Ayda, these are my choices: Either I come now, with you, and make it home in time to watch my dad die, or I help Nadra and she heals my dad. I’m magicless either way, in the long run. Say it was your mother dying. What would you do?”

I would save her, Ayda thought immediately, and that knowledge disturbed her so much she hurriedly shoved it aside. “It doesn’t matter. Nadra’s lying to you.”

“She can heal him,” Madeline insisted. “I’ve seen her unicorn magic.”

Stolen magic. “You’re just a stepping stone on her road to power. She won’t keep her promise. She’s using you.”

“And you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” Madeline whispered. “At least Nadra is honest about only needing me for my magic.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ayda’s heart pounded and her breathing was loud in her ears. What had happened to her friend?

“I’m talking about this!” Madeline gestured wildly. “You talked me into your half-baked plan, talked me into making a talisman for you. And then you claimed it, and all I was was bait and a fancy on switch! Face it, the only reason you needed me was because of my magic.”

Madeline was crying now, saying each word as if it were a knife, one that she had been longing to throw but that still hurt to deal. “I trusted you. I trusted you and I trusted Cinder to be right about the magic. I put off going home for you. And you were wrong.”

“We told you it was only theoretical!”

“Really? Because you sounded pretty damn sure of yourself,” Madeline said. “I’ve figured it out now — that’s why you were so certain, that’s why you insisted on taking the talisman to deliver yourself. It was always about revenge. At least Cinder was honest enough to realize that he should stay behind. At least he didn’t have to deliver the blow personally. Or break a promise to do it.”

A night under the stars. Fear fading as she lay in peace beside a new friend, watching the heavens turn. A fervent, whispered promise. I swear to you, no matter what it takes, I’ll see you make it home.

Ayda had broken that promise. The moment it was inconvenient, she had cast it aside like an old cloak. Maybe not by its exact words, but certainly by its spirit. She hadn’t cared. From the moment she had made her plan, the only thing that had mattered was persuading Madeline to come. She would have done anything. She had done everything.

And she staggered under the weight of it, wings faltering before she caught herself. “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” She meant it, meant it with everything she had.

“Thank you.” Madeline’s voice was quiet and tears still trickled down her face. Her hand went to a rope that hung beside her bed.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry too. But I can’t let you escape and tell them what she’s going to do.”

The rope would alert the guards, maybe even Nadra herself. “But Madeline, you can’t let her win. You can’t!”

“Yes, I can. She can make it work! Everyone with magic, her helping the world to adapt. It’ll be the Four Kingdoms again, in harmony. Don’t you want that?”

Ayda shook her head. “She’s done too much. Her actions… she’s a tyrant, Madeline.”

“She does what she has to do.” Not meeting Ayda’s eyes, Madeline pulled the rope. Somewhere, a bell clanged.

Ayda flew backwards in shock. Her hands went to her waist, where she untied the key and let it fall to the floor, hands moving automatically. She’d need to fly fast, without it weighing her down. She took one last look at Madeline, who sat there in the bed, tear tracks staining her face and hand clenched around the rope.

Ayda’s own tears would come. For now, every part of her was focused on getting out. She flew out and down, heading for Tel. They would run to the woods — and then what? Ayda didn’t know.

Another bell clanged, longer and louder than the last. Torches and firemoss lamps began to spill out of doors and barracks, everyone on the hunt for the fairy and the pegasus that knew Nadra’s secrets.

Ayda was hyperventilating now. Ahead, Tel flew above the wall, his coat reflecting the moonlight. She rushed to join him.

“Madeline?” he asked.

Ayda shook her head. “She won’t come. She… she pulled the alarm.”

Tel whinnied, long and low. “Stay close to me.”

It was already too late. Nadra herself was striding across the lawn, glowering at them. Shades swarmed across the ground and a legion of fliers made straight for them.

“Come on!” Tel neighed shrilly, and the explosion of sound startled Ayda out of her shock. Tel tried to cross the wall, Ayda close behind, but a horde of Shades swooped in front, blocking their path and forcing them down, just like before. Except this time, they weren’t trying to get captured.

Ayda seized Tel’s mane and held on as he dived, kicking at the Shades that closed in. Below them, the ground grew nearer and nearer, until they hovered right over the wall. We’re not going to make it.

Even as she thought it, one of Nadra spheres appeared around them. Tel thrashed a hoof at it in rage, but the light didn’t bend.

Nadra pulled them steadily towards her. A mixture of rage and triumph adorned her face. It was over. Ayda stared into the woman’s eyes and knew Nadra wasn’t going to bother with locking them up this time. She closed her eyes and waited. At least it would be over.

The trees behind Ayda exploded with light. Ayda spun. Her heart leapt.

A dozen unicorns were galloping towards the castle, Lady Emerilla at their head.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Thu Sep 07, 2017 12:05 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



Me again!

This was another strong chapter. I love the twist of the knife when Madeline says she won't come with them, and why, and won't even let them escape quietly. You're doing a great job with your character arc - Ayda has clearly taken from a relationship where she promised to give, Madeline has betrayed them but it's because of Ayda focusing too much, in the end, on what she can get out of a relationship. It's always so much more heartbreaking when someone betrays the main character but it's really the main character's own fault. Oh, man. Like I haven't even read the entire story, but just the bits I've read are enough that this was really emotional.

That said, I think once again that the most important part of the chapter - Ayda's attempted rescue and Madeline's betrayal - sort of got rushed over. I don't think it needs to be extended with more dialogue or anything; I think it just needs to be slowed down, perhaps with more description of the room/the night/the moonlight in the room to ratchet up the tension of that moment and really set the mood, or else with more description of Ayda's feelings. I mean, she's just lost her magic, she pushes through the despair to escape and rescue her friend, she successfully carves a key to get them out of prison (btdubs how big is this lock that she can stick her whole hand in it???)...but then her friend betrays her, and it's her own fault. Does she feel sick to her stomach? Is her heart hammering? Is she more upset by the betrayal or the knowledge its her fault? Plus I imagine she's still a bit scared of being recaptured, even if Madeline agrees to go with them.

So I think I'd want to see more of that to slow that particular scene down a bit and amp up the suspense and the tension before we dive into the "she pulled the bell and now we're probably going to get captured again" part.

Image




Mea says...


Thanks for another review! Ayda's about a foot tall, and the lock is pretty big (think old-fashioned skeletal locks) so really she can stick most of her arm in there.



BluesClues says...


Okay, so Ayda is just a lot closer to "tiny fairy size" than I've been picturing.



User avatar
373 Reviews


Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate
Tue Sep 05, 2017 1:04 am
View Likes
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Finally here! :D

This is another *intense* chapter, with a betrayal. I already had a bad feeling about this when I read your description of the chapter: that "friendship crumbles". The events here are so terrible for Ayda (not about your writing skills OBVIOUSLY :p) but then I can't exactly blame Madeline for everything.

So the room was dark? I thought it was, because Ayda couldn't see how the key fit but had to hear and feel. Then I wonder how she could be whittled the key: A) she is very skilled at carving and probably can whittle just be feeling, or B) this is a touch unrealistic. I think A is probable, but B seems to be likely as well.

It's good that Ayda's conscience struck her before she could go in and murder Nadra, because even if this villain goes down, it is still...very horrible for Ayda to do. If she did that, she'd be lowering herself to the level of "bad" people. A suggestion I might make is to have her think about the magic that was taken from her when she sees Nadra and makes the hate boil up more and more. And Nadra taking away her loved ones as well. Or perhaps that would mess up the pacing to no good.

(A quick note I have for the previous chapter is that perhaps they might dwell a bit on their failures--the emptiness of the lack of magic is there, but not how disastrous their plan was after all. Ayda might be feeling that disappointment of after reaching a "high" of eagerness because this MUST succeed, or the "Oh. I expected it" kind of disappointment after some doubts)

It wasn’t locked. The handle turned easily and the door inched open to reveal a landing on a staircase leading both up and down. There wasn’t even a guard.

Something was very wrong here.


Definitely! I can imagine Ayda's stomach clenching itself and Ayda nearly thinking, "Perhaps--but no, it shouldn't be so."

I wonder if this is only me (and possibly because I don't sit and read Mixing Magic quickly) but I'm curious as to how did Madeline come up with the idea of Ayda's revenge. Was it Nadra talking about needing her magic that might have come up with her conclusion that Ayda needed her magic just for the revenge? Did she already have such an inkling before? I remember you were dropping clues that she was pretty reluctant to go with the plan because of her sick father and I think the foreshadowing was done well--but I'm not sure about the revenge? Maybe Madeline might have been drawing her own conclusions, but I'm certain that one reason for Ayda's efforts were because of revenge. It just felt sudden to me and it could be because Ayda didn't have a reaction to the revenge. Maybe it was really true?

So, yes, now Ayda's self-centered-ness (the fact that she doesn't exactly consider about others as long as it suits herself) has come back to her. Now she's lost an ally, who, more importantly is a good friend.Maybe the fact that she realized that she's wrong, that what she does can't be reversed, at least for now is going to affect her character arc a lot. I've seen bits and pieces of a bit of "me, myself" nature in her--like running off without considering her family and now this. I think it's perfectly normal for her to do so but I hope she can improve.

And now things are picking up if the unicorns are here!! :D Maybe they have a chance of survival :D :D

Hope this helped, and read this with a grain of salt~

-Ink




Mea says...


I will definitely tweak the things you mentioned. And I'm really glad Ayda's character arc is working for you! :D




Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain