Ayda spun in the Arvanian air, taking a deep breath and enjoying the familiar scents and the humid breeze. Behind her, Tel stepped into existence and the portal snapped closed behind him.
“Tel — “ Ayda started, but the pegasus swished his tail irritably and shook his head for silence. He sniffed the air, ears pricking and swiveling every direction. After a minute of curious silence, he opened his eyes.
“We’re where we planned — twenty miles away from what was Nikka,” he said. “I think they’re using the cities as prison camps. They’re heavily surrounded and guarded by Shades. Nearby is mostly clear.”
Madeline stared at him. “How do you know all that.”
“The wind,” he huffed.
Ayda shot a glance at Madeline that she hoped told her to drop it. Pegasi didn’t discuss their magic. “Good. “We’ll stay low and head east, making for ley point you came through.”
Tel nodded approvel. “Are we ready to fly?”
“We shouldn’t fly,” Madeline protested. “That’ll seem too obvious.”
“But wouldn’t it be better to make her underestimate us?” Tel said. “If she thinks we’re stupid enough to fly across hostile territory, that’s got to be a bonus.” They both looked at Ayda.
“If we fly, we’ll get captured faster. And the sooner we get in front of her, the better.
“Fine,” said Madeline, mounting Tel. Ayda landed on her shoulder again. “Let’s go.”
They took flight, breaking through the lush trees to skim over the treetops. It was forest as far as the eye see, with a hint of mountains to the north and the river curving far to the south. Ayda swallowed. Was that clearing along the river Nikka? The forest seemed thin around it.
Tel flew onwards, wings beating steadily in rhythm with his breath. No one spoke.
Within ten minutes, several dark shapes rose in the distance, specks that grew larger each minute. Winged Shades. Ayda clutched Madeline’s tunic tightly. This was it.
“Hang on,” Tel snorted. “We won’t go down without a fight.”
Madeline seized Tel’s mane. Ayda seized Madeline’s shirt. As Shades drew close, Tel dived. Wind whistled in her ears. She glanced back as he pulled up. They were gaining.
Within seconds, they had the group surrounded in a storm of grey and black wings. They so much bigger than Cinder. Fiery eyes burned wherever Ayda looked, swooping down from above to force them to the ground.
Faster, faster, she thought wildly, forgetting their plan, forgetting everything. Those eyes … they were the eyes of a predator, a pack of wolves closing in and she was the prey.
Tel darted to the side, shooting around the line of Shades and angling, climbing higher with mighty strokes of his wings. Ayda clung on for dear life, knuckles white. Keep calm, keep your head.
The Shades were on them again in an instant, and more loomed ahead. Tel skidded to a halt in midair and went to turn around, but winged Shades were closing in on all sides. He lashed out, hitting one of them in the leg with a sharp crack. The Shade spat at him, fell back, and was replaced with two more.
Tel spun again and neighed, a wild, panicked whinny. He’s not acting, Ayda thought, fighting the urge to fly between the Shades and hide among the trees.
But there was nowhere to run. The sphere of Shades closed in around them, forcing them forward and down, making for a clearing Ayda could only just glimpse. Madeline was clutching her necklace, lifting it quickly over her head and stuffing it somewhere. Down her shirt? Ayda reflexively checked her wrist — yes, the bracelet was still there. They were among the trees now.
Tel landed on the forest floor with a heavy thump echoed by a dozen Shades. The crowd parted, and one Shade came forward. She was slim and sleek, with dappled fur and leathery wings. “Do you surrender?” she hissed.
“We surrender.” Madeline clenched Tel’s mane and her voice trembled.
“Good. Dismount the pegasus.”
Madeline obeyed. Ayda left her shoulder to hover in midair beside Tel.
A blur caught the corner of her eye an instant before something rough and heavy smashed into her, knocking the breath out of her and dragging her to the ground. She struggled in vain to fly, but this wasn’t just a net — it wrapped around her too neatly, end tassels tangling together until it was impossible for her to break free.
She knew with a jolt what it was. It was a flyernet, used by police in Nikka to catch troublemakers.
She was yanked back towards the Shade that had thrown the net. He held the cord between his teeth, and Ayda dangled there like prey.
Head spinning, she watched as Madeline’s hands were bound behind her back and her legs shackled. Tel’s wings were tied and he was hobbled, with short chains connecting each leg. Only then did the crowd disperse, revealing several wooden buildings that looked temporary. A scouting outpost? A few feet away, a wagon pulled to a stop.
The Shade tossed her into a tiny cage, with a wooden floor and metal mesh. The door slammed closed and locked. Ayda rattled it, trying to quell a building panic. But there was nothing she could do except watch.
Her cage was set in the wagon. Their saddlebags were emptied. Madeline was searched, talisman bag taken along with anything else that could be used as a magical weapon. They didn’t find the necklace, thank the stars. Ayda’s own bracelet still sat safely around her wrist. She had been right — they wouldn’t bother searching a fairy.
“She didn’t even bring a weapon?” The commanding Shade shook her head at Madeline’s naiveté.
Madeline was pushed into the wagon beside Ayda’s cage. She looked at Ayda, eyes wide with fear. Ayda had no reassurance to offer. How could she get to Nadra if she was trapped in a cage?
Half a dozen other Shades climbed aboard, their guards for the trip. Tel had been tethered behind the wagon.
“Are we dropping the fairy and the pegasus off at Nikka?” one of them asked.
“No,” said the commander. “Nadra wants to see all of them, personally”
At least that part of the plan had worked. The wagon creaked into motion. As the clearing faded away, Ayda couldn’t help but wonder if they had just made a huge mistake.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
Oh my god, this piece has a review already. I need to snatch it from the Green Room before anyone else does.
Sentence-level Suggestions
These have nothing to do with the story, so I'll put a spoiler to it if you want to skip them over.
Spoiler
'approval'.
Not sure what you mean by this.
'They were'.
Flyernet sounds too tech-y for me, but giving a space between (flyer net) can easily fix that, I think.
I think we have a missed opportunity here. Sure, they wouldn't search her, but make it seem as if they might, serving suspense to the reader. As of now, it seems like the searching passes too smoothly.
Content-level Comment
Hmm, so I like the struggle Tel puts on, because not only it shows they're hiding their intention to surrender, it's also done without him acting. The fact that running is what his instinct tells him to do is realistic - just like Ayda's feeling of how she wants to escape. It shows us that when faces with danger, your emotions are stronger than your thoughts.
I do think the scene of them escaping can be stretched a bit longer - I feel like it can serve as source of suspense for them. You show them they're escaping, yes, but it doesn't seem like the one you made with your all, you know? Maybe it doesn't have to be like that because they're supposed to surrender, at the end, but there's no harming in serving readers with suspense-induced actions.
There's nothing much to say except your narrative progresses in a satisfying pace. I like how Ayda's doubting themselves at the end, and I would like to emphasize on that. When they are being brought to Nadra, does she have horrible thoughts of what they're going to face? I would like to see more fear from her and the group - not much, just a little bit more. They've planned to be captured, but they won't be prepared with the sensations that come with being captured.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
Hello for Review Day! Just leaving a note here
So, wow, this scene was INTENSE!
At least they kind of succeeded in what they were planning to do: get captured. And then touch Nadra with that talisman. I liked the last lines because they highlighted Ayda's possible fear--that this wouldn't work--something would go awfully awry--they wouldn't succeed at all. The next part is the important part, about whether they'll succeed or not and I think I might read it as soon as I can because I imagine they'll be meeting Nadra.
Maybe one thing you could tweak a bit is to weave in the atmosphere of the forest into the battle scene, so that it feels more like they're fighting in a *live* forest rather than just a forest. Minor things like Tel just crashing onto the ground, leaves crackling underfoot. That sort of thing. Just minor setting tweaks that might help Ayda feel as if *this is no longer the place I know so well*--(I remember that Nikka was her home?)
Certainly, the fighting shouldn't last too long, but I think that adding a few phrases to it might help instill the setting. I'm no expert in fight scenes, so I'm not sure though.
But I think you developed the fear from the three of them very well. Especially with Ayda sensing that everybody had basically abandoned their act to purposefully get themselves captured--to me THAT made that big difference in the scene. And the line "How could she get to Nadra" was a nice way to water the seeds of doubt already planted in everybody's mind.
Hope this ramble helped, and let me know if you have anything to say!~
-Ink