z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

It's Because of You

by MapleWay


It’s because of you,

I can throw a ball to extreme heights,

It’s because of you,

I can climb trees that graze the sky like leaves graze the air,

It’s because of you,

I can ride a bike with my hands flying free,

It’s because of you,

I’m who I am today.

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218 Reviews

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Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:37 pm
creaturefeature wrote a review...



'Ello!

I think it's really nice you've written a poem for your dad! That's always a great thing to see because you can both write poetry and do something special for a family member, which are some of my favorite things.

I agree with the other reviewer; maybe some emotion can help. Now it just feels flat and I could give this to anyone, and it would work for them. What are some special things you've done with your dad? You can add those in.

It’s because of you


I like a bit of repetitive lines, but if you want to add some more creativity into it by making the last one worded differently, I'd vote do it. An example would be "It's all because of you" because that "all" changes it up some.

My example is really bad, so please consider not using it.

That's it! I hope your dad likes it!

lum




MapleWay says...


Thanks for taking the time to leave a review!



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Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:32 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO HELLO! <3 I saw this cute little poem in the green room, and so I decided to leave a review for you! ^_^

I think that this is such a sweet tribute to your father (and happy birthday to him!!!) You showed how much he's affected and shaped you through simple things, like being able to ride your bike. And then you tied all of these little things into the main idea that it's because of him, you are the person you are today; all of these little things built you up and accumulated into something big. I think that is SUPER sweet! ^_^ I love the simplicity of this, as it makes it cuter and more personal.

Since this is a birthday present, I think this is super cute and perfect the way it is! I know your father is going to love it <3 So I'm not going to offer any critiques to change your birthday present. However, I'll try to leave you some suggestions that you can consider in future drafts of this poem or just other poems in general! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, feel free to ignore them! They are just here for you in case you find them useful ^_^

One thought I had while reading is that you could perhaps dramatize this or make it more "colourful" and incorporate some imagery. I'll give you an example of how you could do this with one of your lines! c:

I can climb a tree,


You could spice this line by saying something like, "I can scale trees with branches that graze the cerulean sky" (I just made this off the top of my head, so feel free to take it however you want to xD). By adding this action, there are obviously no trees that are so tall as to reach the end of whatever the sky is xD but by saying that, it's like, "wow that's a super high height, and I was able to reach such heights all because of you." -> so it makes smaller achievement seem graeter, in a way! Also, it's always lovely to weave some imagery in poetry to make it more tangible, vivid, and colourful :D

Another thought I had while reading is to include some abstract things that you can do. Like instead of physical things, you could add some lines that express greater ideas! I'll try to give you some examples c:

Perhaps some abstract things could be related to how your personality was shaped by your father, like It's because of you / I know how to stand strong like an unwavering tree" or something about how you can stand up for yourself, and you know how to get back up when you fall. That's just a random thought that popped into my head cx

Or you could say something like, "It's because of you / I know the dark is even more beautiful than the light" or something about life lessons in general! OR you could go more abstract, and say something like "it's because of you / I can name every single star/constellation" These are just random ideas and lines that occurred to me suddenly; feel free to manipulate them however you want! :P

And that's all I have for you! I hope these suggestions prove useful to you :) Overall, I really enjoyed the sweetness and simplicity of this poem. Poems are always such beautiful and person gifts, and I think you captured how much your father has shaped you into the person you are today. Also, this is random, but I love your choice to end the poem with a period -> it gives the poem a sense of power, firm stance, and completion.

I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! <3




MapleWay says...


Thanks! I've already given him his gift but I liked your idea of giving the lines more imagery! I will definitely take these suggestions!



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Sat Mar 06, 2021 8:00 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello. I am here to give you a review.

It was a very good one. Can you really do all of these? Actually, I can't do any of the above things. Whatever, I am sure your father will be amazed if you really gift it to him. Umm... You can add a few emotions in it and make it longer. I don't know whether you didn't do it intentionally or something like that.
I genuinely liked the last two lines. I won't suggest changes because it's totally upto you what to write and what not to in this types of poems.

Thanks for sharing!

Bye!!! Keep writing!!!




MapleWay says...


Thanks for the review!




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