Night

Hi Los!

I'm always a fan of people popping out some poetry but I have some questions here. what's with those ellipsis? They're really not necessary at all. when you write poetry, you use line breaks to create pauses at each line, so there's no need to lead a pause with punctuation unless you're using a comma or full stop, which connote a particular kind of pause. So i suppose i find it a bit odd that you're using them here.

I also suspect a little bit that this isn't a serious poem. Not because of the content, but more the fact that you've spelt Spring wrong, and not broken that line properly. So I assume someone conned you into posting this just before the review day! Nothing wrong with that, because I love seeing a bit of poetry around. I think that you're heavy on the adjectives here, we have too much description to actually support what's going on - this might be because of those ellipses to be fair. I think that your final line loses the rhythm that your poem has otherwise and that works against what you're trying to do. Consider making this a longer poem and playing with some imagery.

That said it's a nice little poem and I don't think it does anything bad, it's cute. Nice work.

- Penguin.

Let's take this line by line, shall we?
"Night, Bright starry night, full of amazement and delight..."
The rhyme here seems rather unoriginal, Edgar Allan Poe used a lot of these same words in "The Bells." which had me thinking about that poem and how awesome and rhythmic it is in comparison with this poem, while still very descriptive and sweet, It isn't as amazing as Poe's. I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't had the same rhymes. Otherwise, this was a great line, and I doubt anyone else will have noticed.

"Stars, shine down on me, fill my heart with a lonely wonder..."
I really liked this line, although I'm wondering what you're doing with all these ellipses. I kind of wish that instead of the commas separating the two different parts of the line, that you had just gone to a new line, but That's nit-picky and doesn't affect the poem that much.

"Up above, dotting the skies, evanescent sparks bring joy and sunder...pring, has finally come, to fend off the hounds of winter."
Again, I wish you had just made a new line, and gotten rid of the ellipses. The wording reminds my of "The Bells" again, like "evanescent" even though I think Poe used "effervescent" I don't really remember, but they are similar words. I bet you meant to say "spring" when you said "pring."
I really liked the way you described the stars as being sparks that bring joy" although to me, the word "sunder" sounds forced, like you were just trying to rhyme. I feel like you don't even really need a rhyme there, but you could always use something more common, such as "under" or... that's the only one I can think of.
I also really like the part "to fend off the hounds of winter." because Now I can recognize the attitude of hope for better times ahead. It was really descriptive and used imagery well. Great work!
I really liked this poem overall, and I wish it was longer, although short poems are nice too. Great job, just really great job.
~Fortis

Hey LosCadaver!

I think you could find a better word in place of 'amazement', in my opinion it is too similar to delight for it to add much to that first line. 'Sunder' is a verb that means to tear apart, or a noun that means a part of something. To me, it doesn't fit in that last line. And you forgot the 's' in spring. I love your use of evanescent! It's such a great sounding word, and it's meaning is just awesome. Great job, Los! Keep writing!

Hey there!

Well I love the concept- yay night! Now, this should be longer. So much longer, I feel, for lyrics. I also feel like I've seen/read this before? On to specifics!

Your first line is quite typical, I feel, it's not telling me anything different, it's mostly things I've heard or seen or read, and it just didn't resonate. "Stars, shine down on me, fill my heart with a lonely wonder..." Hm. I don't quite understand why you would want something lonely to fill your heart? I think you can elaborate on the meaning, give a sense of purpose to the reader.
"Up above, dotting the skies, evanescent sparks bring joy and sunder...pring, has finally come, to fend " This seems like you tried a bit hard. You had to fill it, but couldn't find the words, so you chose a "big" word to make it seem more...eloquent, so to speak? Now, "brings joy and sunder" doesn't seem to mesh with "lonely wonder", as I don't see the correlation between being lonely and happy, for lonely has a negative connotation. As I previously said, I think you should elaborate! Make us feel these emotions with you, carry us on the journey of experiencing a beautiful night. Also, a slight mistake, I believe you meant *spring.

" has finally come, to fend off the hounds of winter." This, again, is typical. Spring is used in things to "ward off winter" or "signal winter's end" quite a bit. I also think there is a bit of disconnect between the night and spring....what about this night and the stars make you think of spring?

It seems like I've just been harsh...but I like this a lot, thus why I want it elaborated!

Overall, nicely done, keep it up!

~Epic

Good job on the detail you put in the scenery.