Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Looking to the stars,
I begin to cry;
My only question
"Why didn't I die?"
Life is a hinderance,
a true hell on earth;
Did my mother know this
on the day of my birth?
A sick joke it can be,
soldiering and striving;
Singing and pretending
"I like being alive!"
I see the reaper,
creeping ever closer;
In the form of a pistol,
drawn from of its holster.
Hate to say it
I'm too weak to try;
It would be easier
to lay down and die.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,658 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
This is terribly beautiful. I almost cried because I can totally relate to these feelings. I love everything about it. I am totally grateful that you would write something like this. It is fantastic. Marrvelous work! Really.
i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.
Hey little author here,
Well this is a nasty poem. I thought it was beautiful and just plain horrible at same time. Seeing that you have enough people pointing out your mistakes, I'll point out the good things. This poem was very powerful and it was very pretty. It just showed how fake some people are on the outside when they are dying on the inside, and they do that its what on the insides that count. I have been in a stump at the moment and this has sort of inspired me. I reaallly hope that you put out more BEAUTIFUL poems like this one.
Keep writing
Thank you =3
Los! Oooh, such a pretty poem! Lemme give you a chopped-up review for this little beauty!
I think it's too dry. The beginning of every poem needs to have something explosive. Something interesting, right? So why not describe the stars, or even replace 'stars' with the blanket of shimmering powders or something. Try to make an impact.
It should be hindrance, without an extra e. Also, this line is kinda cut short. Hindrance to what? Hindrances are something that impedes something else, and that something is left out from the poem. Add another line maybe?
'True' is a bit weak for the strong word 'hell'. How about blazing, cruel or something that can make readers feel that you are IN hell, not in something peaceful and true. Also, ahev you thought of using 'inferno' instead of 'hell'?
I love these lines. They're so cute
I love the last two lines, but the 'powered on' thing, isn't that good. Not only that line is dry, but it's also kinda imageless. We aim images in poetry, we SHOW, not tell. So something that readers can imagine will work much better.
This is like one of the most beautiful, metaphorical endings in a poem I've ever read. The reaper, the gun, the rhyme in the last part. I LOVE IT! The sense and twist of it all at least. It's really a good ending, and it does justify the sense that this is a poem, not some words that go over the same thing again and again. The only problem is how you execute it. It seems to dry. How about some adjectives here and there, and some more figurative language? It will powder it up for publishing, I'm sure!
Well, that's the only stuff I can review for now! Thanks for the good read!
nice review thanks =3
Hello there just a little thing this review is for review day so hope you don't mined if I make this a short review.
Hopes it helps.
OK one thing about this here is that you don't capitalize the letter after a coma and another thing of that sort you are supposed to capitalize the letter after a period.
Good work although this is kind of a nasty poem.
But your spelling was great at least I think so.
Until later "good bye and good luck."
Keep writing and good work also good luck.
~Jon~
Hopes it helped.
Forgive me if I rambled I do that a lot.
"that i powered on and strived"...now thats my OMG part. Loved it.
what a brilliant poem! i know how you feel.