Day after day,
Year after year
I spend all my time,
Sitting right here.
Waiting for the moment,
That it all goes away
I never knew one could feel this way.
Time is the essence
Of the clock on the wall,
It brings all to an end
No matter how tall.
So if you feel hopeless
And that you don't matter at all,
Take a leap, up and over the wall.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
LosCadaver,
You've received some wonderful reviews. I'm looking at the revised version here. I've read some of your poetry, but have yet to do a proper review so here I am. As it stands now, it's a pretty cute, general poem with an uplifting message. I mean, sure I like it. Several here like it. That's about it. It's not very memorable, doesn't really stick to mind.
With what you write next, try to experiment with line - poems don't have to rhyme. Rhyming limits you in so many ways. I am not saying to scrap rhyme, but ask yourself why you're rhyming. Because you like the way it sounds? Can you write poetry that sounds nice and doesn't rhyme?
Or experiment with rhyme! It doesn't have to be an end-rhyme. You can do internal rhymes. Or even slant-rhymes. But always experiment. Always try new things.
Experiment with similes, metaphors, alliteration. Expand your horizons a bit. This would do well with some poetic devices & sensory language ^^ Put your readers into your poems.
I am not saying this is bad, just that it can always be improved.
Some nitpicks:
Okay, I'm going to try to explain these commas, because I realize they're tricky. Especially in poetry when grammar is a little more lax. See, if you were writing prose, then it would go like so: "Day after day, year after year, I spend all my time sitting right here."
But since this is poetry, you have the option of writing it like so:
"Day after day
year after year
I spend all my time
sitting right here."
But since you did put that comma after "year" then that means you're acknowledging standard grammar/punctuation like you would punctuate prose (and this is actually the preferred method). So you need to add that comma after that first line as well.
Grammar here is correct! But what are your sentiments here? What goes away? What does the speaker not know? What does the speaker feel? It is unclear. Poetry is all about precision. You have a limited amount of words to say so much and so many people end up too focused on the lyrics and not enough on the meaning. If we did that, well then what would the point be?
The first line two lines are an obvious statement. The next two are weak. No matter how tall? Really? :/
This might help you.
I've been hard on you, but you show a lot of promise. I've seen how you've been writing a lot of poetry lately and I admire your energy and conviction ^^ Keep writing, because believe it or not - whether you see it or not - you are improving!
If you have any questions, or anything else you want me to look at, feel free to pm me.
~ As always Audy
Day after day
Year after year,
I spend all my time
Sitting right here.
Waiting for the moment
When it all goes away,
I never knew one could feel this way.
Time is the essence
Of the clock on the wall;
It brings all to an end
No matter how tall.
So if you feel hopeless
That you don't matter at all,
Take a leap, up and over the wall.
With some suggestions.
Hi! I hope you're enjoying the site so far.
Sorry it took me so long to review this. *feels lame*
For such a short poem, you conveyed a complete, uplifting message. *applauds* I love the meaning and the simplicity in the writing. There was something about it that really connected the language to what you were trying to say.
Nitpicks:
These two lines stuck out for me for some reason. I had trouble connecting the meaning of the clock. It was almost as if you needed a rhyme for "tall." I wanted to explore time more or something. I can't really put my finger on it.
Just a personal preference.
Grammar:
Some poets choose not to use punctuation at all, but if you do, you must use it correctly. Grammar is in green. Explanations/comments are in raspberry.
Rhyming:
Your rhyming scheme was a little inconsistent. I see it as follows:
2 rhymes with 4
6 and 7
9 and 11
13 and 14
While you do have a pattern, it's sort of erratic. But generally, I'm not drawn to rhymes. I think you limit yourself by feeling like you have to rhyme. If it does rhyme, it should read very naturally, and the reader almost shouldn't realize that it's rhyming. You have to use words because they fit the poem, not the rhyming scheme.
Overall:
I did honestly enjoy it. We read so much dark, depressed poetry nowadays, it was really nice to read something uplifting. Thank you for sharing this.
Well, I hope I helped.
-Sea-
Hiii
I was reading your poem -obviously haha- and I like it is was sort of its own little gem.. the last few lines are what got me.. very cute. However I think adding or taking out some words would help with the flow. So my suggestions are:
Okay. These lines ^ are something I liked, but I feel they could be a little something more, I think working with the rhythm and flow would help that.
I like the thought of this line, however, I had to read that line several times to finally understand what was being said.. So some rewording might come in handy there.
Same with: These two lines I had to read over several times.. the 'of' is a little off putting, I don't think it really goes with the flow and rhythm of things.
The 'and' in the can be taken out, it interrupts your rhythm.
Finally,
Gahh these last rhyme schemes are getting to me. It's just you were doing so well with the rhyming and then you change up your form and rhyme with this Wall,tall, all, and wall although it flows well, it just gives the feel of an amatuer poem.. However this may just be me..and my pesky little details.. I'm not saying it doesn't work it's just something I would think about with your next poem.. keep your form throughout.
I also don't really like when you rhyme with the same word twice.. unless it's like a double meaning or something.. but again.. probably just me.
I do like this poem. It was so sweet and something anyone could remember or use on a bad day, so keep it up! I'd love to see more!
-Keep writing!
Wow! you rhymed!! I love it! I haven't seen any poems rhyme on here lately.
I really like this last line.So I've never met you before so Hola! I really enjoyed your poem!
~mari
Hello there, LosCadaver. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem today.
First and only thing I have to say is Punctuation. It's a little off putting seeing only commas and no fulls stop until the end. The poem isn't one long sentence, is it? With the commas, it feels rushed. I had to go through and reread it carefully, mentally altering the commas for full stops and the like. A good example of the comma issue, is the third line. A full stop would have been fine. I think you can see where that's going. I'm not going to point out all the places where you could have used a full stop instead of a comma. Seems picky, I know. But writing is about the little details, even poetry (and yes, punctuation, too).
Overall, I think this is a wonderful little poem. It's nice and sweet, and energetic. Brilliant. I like it, a lot. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderfully energetic and beautiful poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
^^ glad I could be part of your feel good
Oh, this is really good and I can compare it perfectly to my day. I'll definitely remember this the next time I feel down~<3 :D I feel happy after reading this, so, thank you for posting!