This has been batted around inside my head for weeks and I thought as a start it might be a good or bad thing.
Goodbye Blue Yonder.
Goodbye blue yonder,
To my end I shall wander
I'll miss you sweetly
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye blue yonder
To my end I shall wander
you can't come with me
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye blue yonder,
to the end I shall wander,
Please don't cry,
as I wave my last goodbye.
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139,661 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hey there once again LosPresidentes, The Silent Bagpipe here to review some more of your work. Naturally, I picked this one because it sounded like a cowboy poem =P In a certain sense I was right xD
First off let me start with what my thought was once again, and go from there - The first thing that came to mind when I read this poem was that it was quite short. It seemed like the beginning to a larger poem. Lots of the time people make really long poems to try and explain everything they want to say. From my experience, the most effective poetry is short ones with a STRONG message sent to the reader. I suggest (and note that it is just a suggestion), that you either make this poem a little longer, giving more detail ect. Or you keep the length but try and make it stronger. Do you get what I mean?
To me reading it, the poem didn't seem like it was finished but it was :S That is just my personal opinion though, so if you like it the way it is then keep it that way =)
My favorite part of the poem was -
"Goodbye blue yonder,
To my end I shall wander
I'll miss you sweetly
Goodbye blue sky"
That part really struck home to me, considering that I am born and raised in the prairie and the sky is the one thing I miss more than ever when I am travelling. The sky just makes you feel free, doesn't it?
When I was reading this part my mind immediately saw a cowboy on a horse, up against the sky <3
Love this poem, keep writing! You are quite talented =)
~Selina
P. S. - I hope this review wasn't too harsh. Your poem was really good, and I didn't mean to me mean =)
LosCadaver,
^_^ The revision is a lot better. Your intent is definitely clear and well executed. I don't know much about cowboy poetry, but there's definitely this sort of western feel to the voice. Probably due to the repetitions and the use of yonder; also love the imagery of this big, blue open sky.
I don't have much nitpicks for this except to watch and rethink your commas ^_^;
Also
You say "my" end throughout the poem and at this point you switch to "the" end. Was this intentional?
This is definitely my favorite of the ones I've seen. Keep up the good work.
~ as always, Audy
Goodbye blue yonder,
To my end I shall wander,
I'll miss you so sweetly
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye blue yonder
to my end I shall wander,
You cannot come with me;
Please don't you cry
Goodbye blue yonder,
To the end I shall wander,
So please lord
Don't let me die
Goodbye blue yonder
Into the sunset I saunter
Up to your castle,
into the sky I ride.
Yes I agree, it is definitely a cowboy poem.
As for all the other parts
Honestly the depth of this poem is him dying.
The only thing he could depend on was the blue sky...
The crying refers to rain, because he wants to leave the world,
On a 'perfect' day,
As for a revision I am already currently working on an expansion of the song, this is just what I have so far.
So thank you kindly sir ^^
Well hello now, I'll be I haven't seen a cowboy poem in the longest time. Did you know the largest conference and tournament for poetry in the entire world takes place, if I remember right, in Nevada? All dedicated to cowboys. But it gets better, you see, all throughout North America Cowboy Festivals are held and poetry amongst other art is always a staple of these events. From Canada, the US, Mexico, and down to Argentina and a few other parts of South America, you find this curious critter roaming about; people really love the romance of the gaucho.
Do you agree with what I say about this being a cowboy poem? You may not, but I'm your reviewer and I'll tell you why in my review right here, right now.
So, syllabic control, parallel structure, inner rhyme and off rhyme, meter even, etc, etc. Staples of "traditional poetry", but done in this voice of the melancholic cowboy. It reminds me of the famous Anglo-Saxon poem, "The Wanderer".
Again, the repeated structure. So, as a tiny little phrase you have for whatever purpose, it does that, and I commend you.
But that's it honestly. There's no depth I can dig out of this piece, no real image past some blue sky, no real drama I feel affronted/confronted/compelled to think/feel/reflect upon. Your voice wants to say something, wants to get at something, but it's struggling mightily because of the rigid, rigid confines of the structure you establish for us to live within; perfect technique does not meaning to a poem make.
It's really times like these that I'm reminded as to why Robert Frost got anywhere and is respected. He obeyed many "traditionalism's" while silently, carefully breaking them to his own voice, and, perhaps more importantly Frost excelled in writing on a human level.
So what's behind the mask of this goodbye? What is the blue yonder? What is the tragedy? The basis is here for revision and expansion, it's just up to you if want to break the mold you've placed for this poem. Good luck.
Kinda reminds me of a western movie. and thanks
I really liked this poem! It is very emotional and touching. It sort of reminds me of the poems I write. I hope you keep on writing, and I look forward to reading more of your amazing work!