I woke this morning,
feeling so bold;
Unaware of new knowledge,
at only two days old;
This morning
differed from yesterday!
Through all of my worry,
came a challenge this day!
I fell asleep a lowly maggot!
Awoke a humble fly;
The sky is the limit,
or at least I can try!
From eire to ere
and a blink of the eye;
I grow older now
as one week races by,
There is the maker!
He comes for me,
though I do not know why!?
With a fell swoop,
and a crack of his swatter;
I'm left nothing more,
But as grimy window spatter.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, darling, here as requested! I'd like to formally apologise for this taking me so long; life got in the way, and then Review Day was closing in, haha.
First of all, I really, really love the enthusiasm in the majority of this piece. It feels so... well, it just plain feels good. It makes me feel like I'm bouncing in my seat, ready to do anything (then there's the end, but we'll get to that). I enjoy that you wrote this from an alternative perspective, and even for more of a carefree poem, it feels quite light, airy, and... fly-esque? (Moscesque?)
Your rhyme really doesn't feel forced at all, which I think is one reason why this poem works. You didn't write the poem around the rhyme or shove the rhyme into the poem; it just feels like it happened naturally, even though I know that it rarely, rarely ever happens like that.
I think that if I did have one nitpick, it would be on your artistic use of semicolons. For me, they make the piece look heavy and somewhat sluggish, which definitely doesn't mesh with the idea of being a fly, but in any case.
The three-line stanza definitely pulls the reader out of this fly-imagery-based utopia, of freedom and being able to do whatever they want, and drags them into the darker side of being a bug, which is, of course, being victimized by flyswatters and their ilk. I like that you use something of the shock factor of what might have been a foregone conclusion, and you end with something darker than how you began. The hopeful optimism has turned to death and decay, and I think it definitely works.
You called me in to tear these works apart, but I can only seem to praise them, haha. Keep writing!
Hey, HT here to review.
I loved your ending, just a beginning FYI. And yay! An author who rhymes. (To those of you who don't, I love you to. I just really, really, really, love it when poetry has a rhyming pattern.)
No grammar mistakes (If I hadn't said this before I like you) no spelling mistakes (seriously, awesome man!)
Just two, well kind of three, things that I would like to point out. Typical rules of thumb in any type of poetry, 1) the first letter in every line is capitalized, regardless of whether or not there was a period in the previous line, 2) every time there is a punctuation mark, the line ends, and 3) every line ends in a punctuation mark.
Now, these rules of thumb do not work for every author, but they are something that I always look for when I am reviewing and something that I always mention.
Anywho, hope this helps in some way. If it doesn't, I may have to contact my therapist.
Happy Writing!
HT
Everything in my review is based on my personal opinion and therefore if you do not wish to take it into account, then that is your prerogative and not mine.
Hey there, Los! Scarli's here to review your poetry! XD
Now. Los, what is this? It's an interesting choice of, well, topic. XD Flies. Who would've thought, eh? Anyways, I like it, though I do have a few minor issues, which I shall point out in a minute. For the moment, despite those issues I mentioned, the flow is pretty good. I like your word usage, too. Overall, this just seems like a bit of fun.
As for those issues, first off. I had a bit of a problem here;
I feel the 'some' isn't necessary here. It makes this line awkward and ruins the flow. You see what mean? Try reading it out loud. If it sounds awkward or wrong, or you find it weird to say, then change it and fiddle until it sounds good out loud. ^^ Always a good idea, reading your poem out loud if you think it might not sound good.
Also, here;
I don't think you need the comma here, as this is a complete sentence and the line break gives you the pause, regardless. And the word 'differed' doesn't need a capital D, either. It's one sentence still, just spread across two lines. You understand?
I do love that last stanza. It's amusing in a bit of a not-so-mature way. You've got to love the fly's enthusiasm for the maker and his squishing. XD And now, I don't think I have anything more to say. It's good and with a few little fiddles, it'll be better, but I like it so far, and that's a good thing. Sooo, that's it now. This is an amusing poem. Thanks for such a wonderful and amusing poem! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. <3
P.S. I agree with Sassykat's first, second and third impressions. XD
First impression:
Oh dear gosh.
Second impression:
LOL
Third impression:
WHAT KIND OF CREATIVE MIND....
I admire this. I really do. It's wonderfully witty and fantastically fresh. I got on this site today for the first time in like a year and I can honestly say this was the last thing I expected. Way to go!
Review time!
The first thing I noticed that bugged me was this random little two-line stanza towards the bottom. I kind of thought that maybe it was a typo, that you'd accidentally left half a stanza out, then I thought it could be for emphasis. Either way, I think it doesn't quite fit. I would say either come up with another two lines (but don't force anything, this is the turning point, the climax of the poem) or build on the 'fly' theme (I personally just don't think flies believe in God) and skip it. There's also the fact that it leads to some inconsistencies.
To be more specific and nit-picky:
"I woke this morning,
with feeling so bold; (not quite right... "with feeling's'" or just "feeling")
Unaware of some knowledge,
I'm only two days old; (unaware that you're two days old, or just ignorant in general? i'm confused.)
This morning,
Differed from yesterday! (You seem unable to decide whether you are in present or past tense. Consistency please?)
Through all of my worry,
came a challenge this day!
I fell asleep a lowly maggot! (switch the punctuation of this line and the next.)
Awoke a humble fly;
The sky is the limit,
or so I was told;
Eire to ere
for feelings so bold;
One week races by,
now I grow old. (You've already used this word in an earlier rhyme. Not necessarily bad, I know I've done it before, I'm just pointing it out as a possibility for different wording.)
There is the maker!
He comes for me!.
With a fell swoop,
and a crack of his swatter;
I'm left nothing more,
But as grimy window spatter. (The 'as' is really quite unnecessary. Also, the rhyme is forced.)"
Really, really well done! Im looking forward to seeing more of your work!