The Beauty of Lies - Part II

Hi Kazey! I just wanted to stop by and leave some comments on your piece, it'll be a little scattered because that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

My first thought was that you did a really decent job with the rhyme scheme in this piece - it doesn't seem forced and gives the poem an almost elegant and ordered tone.

As far as punctuation and capitalization I also don't really have any complaints. If it was me, I might put commas rather than periods in the 2nd and 3rd lines of the 1st and last stanza - but it's really a stylistic choice and I do appreciate the consistency you used.

I have to admit that the very first scene in the first stanza was a little off-putting to start out with. Rather than drawing in my attention, I almost clicked to a different piece just because it's so gruesome to think of blood coming out of eyes. I'm not sure what you're going for with that, but it might be worth re-working a little. What exactly do the bloody eyes symbolize or add to the rest of the poem - they clearly convey pain, but how do the eyes relate to lying and love?

I really love the lines "you are the moon and the stars to me" and the "you mean the sea and sand to me" - really lovely imagery and meaning here. I've actually used a similar line in a poem - but I think that modern poetry doesn't use enough nature imagery - it's becoming almost too cultured if that makes sense (like it's too engrossed in pop-culture, objects, etc). So I really enjoyed you middle two stanzas. They really contrast oddly with the first and last ones though, in a way that I think may be intentional. The first and last stanzas are really dramatic, bordering on possessive; and the middle two are just super mushy without being cliche.

My only other suggestion would be in a poem that is somewhat short - I'd be careful with diversifying your word choice - for instance you use the word "protect" twice. Also for me it isn't quite clear what the narrative is here; I almost want the poem to be more specific so I can connect to the speaker more.

I think the best part of this poem might be its use of creative topic/theme. A lot of "romantic" or "love" poetry is a bit too mushy and sweet - people want to read about something more real. And you address some of life's real conflicts - honesty versus dishonesty and how this can affect relationships and love juxtaposed to really beautiful nature imagery.

Overall, it's an enjoyable read and is written well in my opinion.

Good luck in future writing.

Best,
alliyah

This is gorgeous. Lord have mercy, it's so well worded. It's got truth because in some relationships, lies do protect the other person. I felt some sort of beautiful terror in the words that scared me and yet soothed me at the same exact time. I praise you and I love your talent. Please keep showing us the art that you can create with words. Ugh. Omg the feels. Bravo, BRAVO!

Wow, that is some good expression.
Personally I like the way you used less words, but still be able to convey the emotion.

{cons} there's no punctuation, and it's a bit uneven in sentence length.

I feel that the way there are less words toward the end may also signify the end . That's how I felt anyway. Please continue to make poems such as this, I think they are very enjoyable

Sid

Wow, that is some good expression.
Personally I like the way you used less words, but still be able to convey the emotion.

{cons} there's no punctuation, and it's a bit uneven in sentence length.

I feel that the way there are less words toward the end may also signify the end . That's how I felt anyway. Please continue to make poems such as this, I think they are very enjoyable

Sid