Am I invisible, my dear?
Can you still see me through your tears?
Can you sense me? Am I heard,
even when your speech is slurred?
~
Am I forgotten, my darling?
Am I lovely, my dear starling?
You turn to me, in a drunken haze.
Your drinking will shorten your days.
~
"You're ugly," he says, his eyes dull.
"You're fat," he whispers, caressing my skull.
Angry, upset. What is this life?
Should I turn once more, to the gleam of the knife?
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
The first one was more intense in a straight forward sense, but this one...wow... it's got a beauty to it. A depressing beauty, but a darling and perfect beauty nonetheless. Your words flow, there's nothing out of place. it's just like they flow from you and they fall into place. I commend you for your talent. Thank you for sharing this. <3
This is really deep and i really like it. I have a lot of poems that are kind of like this one but i think that this surpasses any that ive done
Well, thank you.
~Kazey
And welcome to YWS!
Wow... I'm in a deep state of shock right now. I'm fourteen, and writes poems every now and then, but if I am to compare yours to mine, I would be totally embarassed.
That was a great poem; one of the best I've ever read.
Well, thank you very much!
~Kazey
Extremely intense .... I think I felt pretty different after reading your poem . Kind of transported me into the shoes of the lady who has been portrayed here .... Your lines are perfect .... Your title is good .... but a poem like this deserves a better title ... Keep up the good work !! And keep posting !!
Thanks, and welcome to YWS!
~Kazey
Hey there. I'm back!
I have to say: this is amazing. And I hate to play favorites, but I really think it's even better than part one. Your work here is exactly what I was looking for in the last one. Everything I mentioned, you improved on. Your rhymes don't just push the poem forward, they make it beautiful and create a very specific, very masterful tone. One of my favorite lines is when you break out of your pattern of punctuating the end of each line and say "Am I heard, / even when your speech is slurred?" It's a beautiful idea that's not only worded perfectly, but that creates a strong and consistent rhythm. Bravo!
Anyway. Onto a few things that I think you could improve on. Customary disclaimer: all of this is up to you! I'm no expert, just a writing nerd sharing his opinion. So let's get onto it!
I'll start with what I mentioned in my last review. I'd love love love to see more imagery here. I know you have it in you, and I think you could do great things with description. I've only seen glimpses of your wonderful writer brain when it comes to setting up a clear and significant picture for your audience. I'm excited to see what you come up with!
In addition, I really think these adjectives could use a tiny bit of magic fairy power sprinkled over them. I read through your whole poem, impressed with the rhythm and rhyme and message, but "Angry, upset" really threw me off. They're too weak in comparison to the rest of this stunning work.
This follows along the lines of my real biggest idea for you. I really want you to stretch yourself. What I see here is so amazing, but I also feel how tentative you are to really go for it. Just know that I-- and the rest of the reviewers here-- are 100% behind you and willing to read anything you write! Don't be afraid to push yourself. We're here for you, and we know how awesome you are. Keep writing
Jonathan
Thanks Jonathan. I know what you mean about the adjectives. I was trying to convey the idea though that there was so much raw emotion running through her body that she couldn't find the words to express it. And yeah, I do need to work on imagery more...
Thanks!
~Kazey
I would recommend reading Part I first. Also, I will format when I'm on my desktop.