My breath comes in ragged rasps,
as my limbs move in perfect harmony.
Gravity does not affect me-
My chains have been temporarily lifted.
~
There is no place I'd rather be
than right here, right now, in this very moment.
I am thirty-six lengths in,
With a multitude more to come.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
I like this! I like how it is simple, and yet you have kept it in a way that allows the reader to be "free" in imagining the picture this poem brings. To me, it sounds as if this poem is about swimming (correct me if I am wrong!), and because of that, I would suggest maybe adding a little more imagery regarding water, or breath, or other sounds and motions that deal with swimming. You might also want to add something that expresses the tone of "being free," at least a little more than you have, since it is the very title of the poem.
I do also like the ending line, "With a multitude more to come." I think it goes along with the short sweetness of the poem, and makes it seem like this poem is a train of thought that is running through a swimmer's mind. Almost as if this swimmer is telling themselves to keep on going, with a determination to push on; with confidence.
I don't know if you are a swimmer, but I am not. All the same, I think you have captured the essence of what it might be like to be in a swimming competition. I would just say maybe you could add a little more - something that really speaks to the amount of adrenaline going on here.
Great writing - keep it up!!
This is about swimming right? Like, it seems really obvious but since it's not outright said I'm a little worried that I could be totally wrong in which case my review will be really sad for you to read...
Anyway, I would love to see more water!! Assuming this is about swimming, adding a stanza about the water would really help solidify that and make it more clear. Something about the way the water feels, or the smell (since if it's a pool then there's a very distinct smell which could be a lot of fun to play with.) But I definitely think it would help with the content and also really help the poem in general.
I love what you do with the lines about gravity and the chains, since it really does a great job of capturing that feeling of freedom. That being said, because the theme of being free is so clear in the poem, I think you could do WAY more with the title. Use it to provide more context, or to pull out an image from the poem, like the limbs in harmony or the ragged rasps (great by the way. I am a huge fan of alliteration in poems.)
Anyway, hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments or anything.
This is great! I really like flow and structure of this