Ultima Sta Solis

Hello, Kazeybear! It's review day, so I've come to review your poem.

What follows is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I like what you chose to write about. Nature always holds inspiration for those who look.

I don't particularly think that your execution brought anything new to the table about the setting sun. Looking at another website of poetry yields dozens of poems about the sunset. Google "setting sun poetry" and you'll get a ton.

Every subject under the sun (haha) has been written about many times. It's the poet's job to show this in a new light. The moon conquering the sun is nothing new-- and your execution falls flat because it's focused not on showing what happened, but telling.

When you say "Its dying breath is handsome," (you use the wrong "its" here, by the way) you're telling the reader how to feel about the image of the sun rather than allowing us to see. Something I learned recently is that a poem's power resides in its choice of nouns and verbs. If we were to take out things that told the reader how to feel, we would have "Its dying breath is a lilac glow." This is more pleasing anyway-- you don't tell the reader how to feel, and you give them an image to hold onto. To make it even better, change the verb to something stronger. "its dying breath glows lilac." Same meaning, stronger and more direct. Do this with your whole poem to make it more cohesive.

I don't think that you need to have the latin or whatever it is actually in the poem. You could really just end it with the lilac dying breath. Again, it tells, and doesn't show.

Altogether, I think you can salvage this if you go through and rewrite it with stronger nouns and verbs. If you have questions about this review, feel free to ask me. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing, and happy review day!

I remember you when I did a review just yesterday and someone liked it. There are some things I would like to say and that is that you are a ver good writer and when I read our poems it's like you take me to another world with peace, and to me that deserves to be recognized with you. Also one of the things is that you are very good on how you word your sentences and that is very hard for me to do.

Now to your poem I really think that everyone in the whole YWS deserves to read and under stand what you poems do to people, and I am saying that in a nice way. Also you need to make a name for yourself with your poems because they are that good.

Another thing is that when you sayed Sol is vanquished that just mad me go crazy because I loved that line an then right after that you sayed for now........ I was going crazy when I heared that last part it was like a little cliff hanger, and in a good poem or story you need to have a cliff hanger some where.

There is one more thing I would like to say before I go and that is that you need to keep writing your poems because they are very good and you my good friend are a very good person just by reading your poems. One last thing if you ever decide to write another please please let me know and I will read it and write another long review for it. Thanks again for letting me read it and good by for now.

From your humble servant,
PushernTheCat

This was very pretty. You did a great job of capturing a sunset. Unless there's a form that I don't see, I would recommend looking at replacing "one" in the second stanza last line. For such a picturesque poem, it is a little vague and brusque. You could try an uphill march or something similar, that way as a reader I know exactly what you are indicating. I love the irony in using "uphill," it made me giggle, and was just the right touch.

Just great imagery!