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Blink and It's Gone

by Kazeybear


All I want is to last the year.

Purify the ground; I was never here.

I stare at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.

~

Oh my dear, won't you just let go?

Cut the ropes and let my thick blood flow.

Do you tie me to this place? I can't know.

~

My love, I will be with you tomorrow.

I'll commit the deed; it's quite a show.

Can you live without my love, or are you hollow?

~

My child, why do you turn to drink?

I never knew I could push you to the brink.

Bang. Bang. Shot dead. A life gone in a blink.


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13 Reviews


Points: 216
Reviews: 13

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Mon Aug 01, 2016 2:55 am
ChloeJoelle wrote a review...



This poem is very beautiful. It's harsh, but so meaningful and well written. The style is very cool too. It is so interesting, because I feel like the short length of the poem symbolizes the short life, somehow. Thanks for sharing, Kazeybear! I look forward to reading some of your other work--you are a very talented writer.

-ChloeJoelle




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44 Reviews


Points: 51
Reviews: 44

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Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:56 pm
ofmonstersandmen1234 wrote a review...



This is a woebegone poem and takes something very somber and puts in the light. The power of suicide is devastating and you make sure that everyone who reads this knows that the wake of a person's suicide is very painful. That is good that you did this. But it is also confusing. I like that you did put us in different situations and try to make us understand that this is something serious right off the bat. I do love the rhyming, it adds some colour to this dark melancholy poem. This is something that I think that a lot of writers tend to stay away from because they're afraid of the impact that it could have for the readers especially if they are not very old. Overall It was an amazing poem and I won't forget what it made me feel. Keep up the great work. I hope that I was helpful to you in any way and, thanks for the great read.




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22 Reviews


Points: 35
Reviews: 22

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Sat Jul 30, 2016 8:10 pm
pastelqueen says...



Hi!

This is a very interesting poem that seems to go through multiple different situations people can be in that shorten or end their life all together. That is a very dark subject but I do enjoy reading things that are a bit darker because they allow you to think. I did feel a bit of a pang in my heart when reading these different and extremely sad situations and that is mighty impressive. To cause an emotion such as sadness and empathy in only a short amount of lines is very difficult to do, but your word choice makes it very easy to empathize. I especially like the line "All I want is to last the year" because I often feel that when I get into some sad times, especially at school. Also having that as your first line is a very good idea because it is a very gripping line that will catch the attention of any reader and capture their attention for the rest of the poem. I also like the rhyme scheme you use because it is very soft sounds matched with harsh words. You can also create a very easy rhythm the way the stanzas are set up and the length that they are. Also adding in punctuation was a good idea because it helps the reader set a pace with the commas and periods you use marking where to take pauses and breaths.

I would like to say that where you do a good job describing these despairing situation, your moral is rather vague. The last line seems to be what is to be conveying the moral you wanted to get across of how precious life is. while being vague can definitely add to a piece it can also make it confusing for the reader and kind of bring them out of the story. I believe that maybe if you added another stanza or two you could have a complete moral. This could simply just be read as a sad poem with really no point to it other than to be sad, but I don't think you were going for that at all. Maybe just something at the end to connect all the earlier stanzas together with them or the moral that you wanted to get across. Then there is always the possibility that I am completely missing the moral or the theme and it wad mentioned in the poem. This is always probably because I am not the author, you are.

This was a very good poem that has a very good moral, it just needs to be conveyed a bit better. I'm very glad that you posted here and I can't wait to read more of your work. Thanks for publishing and don't hesitate to post here again!




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22 Reviews


Points: 35
Reviews: 22

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Sat Jul 30, 2016 8:09 pm
pastelqueen wrote a review...



Hi!

This is a very interesting poem that seems to go through multiple different situations people can be in that shorten or end their life all together. That is a very dark subject but I do enjoy reading things that are a bit darker because they allow you to think. I did feel a bit of a pang in my heart when reading these different and extremely sad situations and that is mighty impressive. To cause an emotion such as sadness and empathy in only a short amount of lines is very difficult to do, but your word choice makes it very easy to empathize. I especially like the line "All I want is to last the year" because I often feel that when I get into some sad times, especially at school. Also having that as your first line is a very good idea because it is a very gripping line that will catch the attention of any reader and capture their attention for the rest of the poem. I also like the rhyme scheme you use because it is very soft sounds matched with harsh words. You can also create a very easy rhythm the way the stanzas are set up and the length that they are. Also adding in punctuation was a good idea because it helps the reader set a pace with the commas and periods you use marking where to take pauses and breaths.

I would like to say that where you do a good job describing these despairing situation, your moral is rather vague. The last line seems to be what is to be conveying the moral you wanted to get across of how precious life is. while being vague can definitely add to a piece it can also make it confusing for the reader and kind of bring them out of the story. I believe that maybe if you added another stanza or two you could have a complete moral. This could simply just be read as a sad poem with really no point to it other than to be sad, but I don't think you were going for that at all. Maybe just something at the end to connect all the earlier stanzas together with them or the moral that you wanted to get across. Then there is always the possibility that I am completely missing the moral or the theme and it wad mentioned in the poem. This is always probably because I am not the author, you are.

This was a very good poem that has a very good moral, it just needs to be conveyed a bit better. I'm very glad that you posted here and I can't wait to read more of your work. Thanks for publishing and don't hesitate to post here again!




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95 Reviews


Points: 4906
Reviews: 95

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Sat Jul 30, 2016 7:33 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi Kazeybear! Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Valor!

Well, I would like to applaud you on your poem. I feel like you make it rhym very well and you also express this person's feelings. However, I also seem that your word choice could be better.
'All I wasn't is to last the year.'
So I read this and I had to re-read this sentence a few times because I wasn't quite sure what you where going at. Now it makes scence to me (this person wants to live the year without dying) but I feel like this is a sort of odd scentence as I've never read a scentence like it that my memory can recall. I think you could leave it or change it.

'Purify the ground; I was never here.'
Umm, okay. I am a little lost here because your first scentence explains that this person wants to live the year but now I'm not quite sure what you are going at. Like...at all. However, I enjoy the rhyming effect you have.

Otherwise I think this poem is coming along fine! I love how you where so clever as to tie the ending in with your title. That is fabulous. And again, also love the rhyming but that is just a personal favorite.
Keep on writing and have a wonderful review day!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Valor.




Kazeybear says...


In ancient times, when a city was destroyed they purified the ground. She feels like she's being destroyed, but she wants to be pure when she's gone.



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59 Reviews


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Reviews: 59

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Sat Jul 30, 2016 6:59 pm
PusheenTheCat wrote a review...



Well then my friend I was not going I inspect that at all but I have I give it to you it was a very good poem and I me it had alot of meaning that I you miss out on one little thing in life you may never have the chance to see that person or thing ever again. I am still in shock when I first read this I knew it was going to be a good poem and I don't do or say this a lot but I have done a lot of reviews for you in the past few days and see that you made it to the top 5 for the most points if the week an I am very happy for you because you deserve to have that chance because not only are you a good writer you are a very goo person and good reviewer and friend.

But since I read your poem I thought it was time that you make more because I want to read more of what you write because you put me in the problem you also put me in that place when you write. Also I like when you have very good descriptions of what is going on in the poem and that is what I like about you. Another thing that I would like to tell you is that when you said I was never here I share the sink of blood an to me I really didn't get that part until the very end of the poem which is great.

There are a few things that I would like to say before I go and that is you need to keep on writing because you are very good with your words and with your description of the story which really pulled me in to read more. Also if you are thinking on writing a new story please let me know because I love your poems an your story's. There is one last thing I have to say to you before I go and that is I love the way you write and I want to keep on reading what you have to bring to the table. If you do write another poem or story I will be more than happy to write you a very long but good review.

Your humble servant,
PusheenTheCat





I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor